Morning of Day 1: Whoohoo- today's the day we start our
adventures in Scotsman's land. Sooo excited. Mines Mr Husband is sleeping off
his nightshift then we begin. Think I am driving us to Stoke on Trent. I expect he won't
want that though. He will say he is fine to drive even if he ain't. Finished me
packing. Just waiting for Mines Mr Husband to wake up again now. Waiting. And
waiting. Whoohoo we are going to see the monster. Talking of monsters I must
look up a Scotsman's kilt and get a picture for my rude mate Kim. I promised.
Afternoon of Day 1 :Arrived at first destination in Stoke on
Trent. Mines Mr
Husband drove. He said he would be alright to drive. Told thee. Nice little room at the inn. Already picked a
nice hedge for mine's Mr Husband to sleep under if he starts his snoring (which
he will). I have already complained at reception. I wanted a room with a sea
view. He said 'this is Stoke on Trent
madam'. I don't know what that has to do with the price of cheese I am sure.
Sat on the bed eating jammy Dodgers, drinking a nice cuppa Yorkshire.
They don't do Yorkshire here. Tis Stoke on Trent. They have posh
tea. Good journey here apart from the sheep incident at the services. But all
good now, I can't abear to see 300 Shaun the sheeps in a lorry. Nearly kebabs
for dinner there was. I flashed me boobies at the lorry driver farmer man, Mr
Husband let the sheeps free. Good deed for the day. Not so according to the
farmer and the policemans that came out. But they accepted I was just in high
spirits on me holidays. No bail money require- this time.
Evening of Day 1: Tis ok guys. I found a bible in this room.
I think they put it there for me to hit mines Mr Husband with when he starts
snoring. And he will. And I will hit him with it.
Morning of Day 2 : Highlight so far of holiday is that Stoke
on Trent has
brilliant tesco but mines Mr husband wont let me stay there. Off to see the
windymare now. Always pissin on my chips that man.
Evening of Day 2: We
went to Windymare. I was puzzled. I thought we had magically appeared in China. Millions
of Chinese people. Funny experience. I only met one English man and he was very
rude and very arrogant. So I stood on his toes and pulled the hair in his nose.
Mines Mr Husband said 'Will ye please behave or I shall take ye home'. Damn
cheek. Not my fault if a man is rude to me.
Then we went to Coniston. We had jammy Dodgers and tea in
the services. Mine's Mr Husband wouldn't let me out the car to cheer up a bus
load of pensioners going on holidays. I only wanted to do a Beth and Elvis
Singalong and a tad boobie flashing. I thought it would be a nice gesture. He
said it could cause heart attacks and strokes and such like things. I don't
mind being stroked anyways. Always pissing on my cornflakes that man. Then we
found a lake. He installed me by the lake. He will install me anywhere that
man. He has no shame. 'Stay there while I get the cameras' he instructed. Don't
upset the artist. He was painting away happy. When
mine's Mr Husband came back the artist was just coming out of the water. I
don't now why mines Mr Husband always jumps to conclusions and assumes that it
is my fault. Mine's Mr Husband is insisting I apologize for flashing mine's
wares at him and unnerving him. Sorry mate. And sorry about your canvas. And
your easel. And your paint (but to be fair they are called water colours for a
reason and you are supposed to add water). I am sure it will dry out. I only
thought it brighten up your picture. We went to windymare as well but way to
peopley for my liking. Also found Ruskin's grave today. I probably always
wondered where it was but I must have forgotten that I wondered. That's me all
over- Wondering stuff and then forgetting. Going to the Isle of Mull tomorrow.
Look out Mull. I always wondered what it would
be like on the Mull ever since the song. Ye
know the one. Mull of Kintyre.
Morning of Day 3: I am not one to complain but
these beds are like slabs of reinforced concrete. Don't they know I am like the
princess from princess and the pea! Bet Lenny Henry don't have this trouble.
Evening of Day 3 :Arrived on Mull-eventually. Someone (not
me) miscalculated our timing from Carlisle to
Oban but all is good. Bit knackered but the air is good. Wasn't even sick on
the ferry- good girl me. Although I did take me kwells. Also I Did take me clothes off and run up and down
the deck cheering people up. Not allowed on that ferry on the way back. They
feckin misery arses up here in the highlands. I am sure I seen the monster. I
also saw a pod of Dolphins. Pointed them out to mines Mr Husband. He said 'no
pumpkin- that be a pod of rocks- tis not the same'. Still I know what I saw.
Me new knickers are nice. Good fit and comfortable. Glad I
brought them now.
Morning of Day 4: Twin beds here but Mines Mr Husband still
snoring his head off- too tired to notice - much. Must be the air or the peat
water or something. Ye spends all ye lives training yer Mr Husband not to pee
in wardrobes and what happens when ye gets on holiday? Yer en-suite turns out
to be a wardrobe in disguise. Mines poor Mr Husband had to slope backwards at
45 degree angle to pee. Not a good look for him. Hilarious for me. He wouldn't
let me take a picture for thee. Misery ass. Always pissing on my chips and
sometimes in the wardrobe. Shall have to break him of this habit before we get
home!! Nice view of the landladies tits outta this window. The landlord has
hung his nuts just in front of the bedroom window.
There is a Scotsman yer who wears a kilt. He won't let me
look up his kilt. Miserable sod. I have hatched a plan though. I will lay under
his van and wait until he climbs up into his seat and then I will take a selfie
with him-from up under of course.
Off to explore the Mull.
With knickers on.
Evening of Day 4: Isle of Mull
tis a nice place. They be a bit careless with thems sheeps. They roam all over
the road. Nearly had kebabs again. Tis very narrow roads and lots of old ladies
driving camper vans? Weird or what. Perhaps they belong to an old ladies camper
van club or something. I tell ye what they very over confident thems old ladies-
they just drives at thee. Takes thee right off the road if thee ain't careful.
Usually mines Mr Husband swears at such motorists. But he minds his P's and Q's
with old ladies. (Good news for me in me advancing years).We did see some
lovely Highland coos as well. I said to mine
Mr Husband 'I thought the coos up here had fringes- I haven't seen any- tis
bullshit'. He said 'no, I think ye will find tis hair'. Then we did see some,
as if by magic. Like Mr Ben. They appeared. We seen lots of water and lots of
trees and a bit more of the same besides. We seen a half a hot dog van- and
that was closed. Too be fair she was off at the abattoir getting her burgers
for the day. (I got inside information on that!) Oh and a heron. I seen a
heron.
I held a tiny tit in my hand tonight. That was a beautiful
experience. Now I know how men feel. Mines Mr Husband holding a tiny blue tit
in thee hand is not the same.
Note to self: Scottish waterfalls are damn slippery. Ye
could do yeself a mischief if ye slipped on ye arse. Pity ye didn't know this
before yer arse found out the hard way!!
Morning of Day 5: Not a good night what with all mines
bruises and such like stuff. Well I had breakfast with the Scotsman in a kilt.
I thought the best way to get this photograph is to be up front! Ended up with
a tyre track across me nose yesterday laying under his van. No consideration
for photographers some people! Anyways I just asked outright if I could see if
anything was worn under the kilt. He said it was all in working order. I asked
if I could take a photo for my kinky friend Kim. He said 'Och aye. I will you
show mine if you show me yours'. Seemed like a fair
swap. Then mine's Mr Husband intervened and stopped me. Always pissing on my
porridge that man and he knows I prefer cream. I hatched another plan. I
thought drop something on the floor, get under the table to pick it up, Jocks
your uncle and Fanny's your aunt. I dropped a sausage. The dog was quick as
lightening and got it before it hit the floor. I looked at the Scotsman and
said 'let that be a lesson to ye, don't let anything dangle where that dog is'.
I could see it made his eyes water as T'was. The Scotsman jumped up and grabbed
a hold of his sporran and said 'Och, I'm
off to toss me caber'. And with that he was gone. Off to Ben
Nevis today so may see another. Too much pain and too much
bruising from yesterday to climb but there is cake at the top so I will crawl
on me hands and knees. The things ye do for cake.
Evening of Day 5: Long journey
today - went on two ferries. Mines Mr Husband made me stay in the car this time
so I didn't cause troubles he said. Cheek. Saw some grand sights. Sadly Ben Nevis was hidden under a cloud so we only seen the
cloud. Fort William doesn't have a Fort. I doubt it
even got a William. Disappointing. Tis a scam to get ye there. A myth. We went
to Loch Ness. I seen the monster under the water. He only allows certain people
with special qualities to see him. Tis true. So whilst I was lucky to see him,
well mines Mr Husband wasn't quite sooo lucky. I hope I get to see him again.
He is 100% real.
Morning of Day 6: Today is my
birthday. I be 21 and a bit. Mines Mr Husband says he bought me a card. But he
lost it. Insert sad face here. Glad I brought the only one I had from my bestie
Kim. Better make an effort then to find a Scotsman willing to let me look up
his kilt and take a selfie. Or help me selfie. Whichever he prefers.
Evening of Day 6: Saw two bits
of Dolphins. Least that's what we was told they was as they went past in the
waters of Shaggering Point. Nice dinners in Scotland. You don't even have to
have Haggis if you don't want it. I don't.
Morning of Day 7: Spent the
night in damp room. Mines Mr Husband chose to snore ALL night. I thought I was
sleeping with the monster. Well it sounded much like one. Had to listen to
Elvis all night. Well first I listened to some soothing rian forest stuff and
went off to sleep. Then I was waken suddenly with a bit of Jailhouse Rock. I
had Elvis rocking and rolling- interspersed with sounds of the forests and
waterfalls. Not such a good idea to mix the music up on this little music
gadgety thing I bought. I would organise it if only I knew how!
Evening of Day 7: Went to
Dunrobbin castle. Nope they haven't it seems. Name very misleading. What with
what they charge for a cuppa coffee and the gift shop prices. Not even touched
on what it costs to get it in. Upstairs there was a girl playing a harp.
Bleeding racket. I asked her if she knew any Elvis. She said she didn't even
know who Elvis was. I told her to shut that feckin noise up then. 'Tis me
birfday weekend', I told her- I don't wanna listen to that noise on me birfday-
I want Elvis. To be fair the fight didn't break out until I jammed her head in
the strings. She shouldn't have wound me up! I am like a coiled spring on me
birfday weekend. Waiting to go off any minute.
Evening of Day 8: Quite a bit of
touring today. Still no Dolphins. Not any deer or Stags or otters. Or Eagles.
All the wildlife up here is a myth. Apart from the monster. He is the only real
thing ye will find. All I have see today is a few sea birds and a seals head.
And to be fair I can see that at home. Well not at home in the house. Mines Mr
Husband won't entertain such creatures in the house. Neither will the Landlord.
We are not even allowed a gold fish. Although tis true I do have two bits of
battered cos in the freezer- but that be our secret.
Morning of Day 9: Week
one is already behind us. Feckin knackered we are. Today we go to caronshorns
and Dunfermline and finish up at Edinburgh.
Seems there are no Dundee cakes anywhere and a
shortage of short bread, Scotsman in skirts, and wildlife. Tis all a myth.
However the monster is deffo real. Tis wet and warm today and that's how tis
going to stay by looks of it. Here us goes agin
Evening of Day 9: Been to
Caronshorns. They have's it on spring watch so they do. I only seen it at 70
mph. Thats cos there is nowhere to stop. Mines Mr Husband also argued T'was too
foggy to see it anyway so there be no point in stopping. Disappointed ain't the
word I tell ye. I looked forward to this bit the mostest. Gutted. I was hoping
to see a bearded tit. No beards. No tits.
On the plus side I was wrong -
there be Whisky shops everywhere. The most interesting bit is that they have
Shortbread shops everywhere. And they sell Dundee
cake. Not on the beach though. I could get used to living close to one of
these. Still the weather can be most inclement up here so they have to have
something to cheer thems souls up. Nothing finer than a bit of shortbread and
some whisky. And cake.
Morning of Day 10: I been
awake all night wondering how many deaths occur in the night. Well I read most
people die in bed. But I was wondering how many of thems is husbands murdered
for snoring. Mine's Mr Husband said 'all ye haves to do is gently tilt mines
head forward'. I did this. This is why I am off to Whitby on me own. Also this is why is head is
trapped in the window at premiere inn.
Evening of Day 10: All day on the road, feckin knackered. I
only seen two interesting places I wanted to stop. Dunelm, well two if thems-
so strickly speaking that's three places. Mine's Mr Husband wouldn't let me.
Also I wanted to go to some pleasure gardens I seen. 'Ooer Mr Husband, we could
go there for some pleasure'. He said 'No, no pleasure for you today you little
poisoned Pandora'. Mmmm, seems someone still has the hump because I gently
tilted his head forward and jammed it in the window. Always pissing on my
pleasure seeking that man. We are now in York.
Bye bye Shortbread shop land.
Morning of Day 11: Our room is on the ground floor this
time. Mines Mr Husband is still pissing on my pleasure. He stopped me, no less
than ten times, flashing and jiggling mines boobies at peoples in the car park.
To be fair it looks more like a scrap yard this morning. Not my circus, not
mines monkeys. Nowt to do with me. He is still like a bear with a sore head. All
since this gently tilting his head forward and jamming it under the window
thing. Boy can he hold a grudge. Worked though. He never made a sound last
night. Today we explore Yorkshire. Tis very
foggy so I don't know how much we will see. Seen feck all yesterday. Day wasted
was that.
Evening of Day 11: I am told Yorkshire
is a beautiful place. It has very friendly people and real tea. Proper Yorkshire tea. Never seen any scenery. Could barely see
me hand in front me face all day. We went to Whitby
though and seen Robins
Hood Bay.
No Dolphins though. Saw a sign for Conundrum but we was allowed in. Bit of a
whatsit thing that.
Morning of Day 12: Still not seen much of Yorkshire.
Going to see Last of the Summer Wine Country today.
Evening of Day 12: Melting in Holmfirth. Heat makes Mr
Husband grumpy. I tried cheering him up by flashing mine boobies in the centre
of town. All he said was 'now apologise to all the drivers in that pile up and
promise not to do it again'. I apologized but I don't make promises I can't
keep. Retired to hotel for nice Bath
and a cool down. Also I been up Norah Battys place and Sids Cafe. Got ice cream
on me nipples. Note to self - wear top when eating ice cream in Yorkshire on hot days.
Morning of Day 13: This hotels room is level with the
motorway. It's not my fault if its too hot to wear clothes and passing
motorists are looking in. They shud keep thems eyes on the road. Quite a queue
out here. Sorry, I mean pile up. That's what I mean.
Happiness comes from within- that's why it feels good to
fart!
Morning of Day 14: Last day of tour today- guessing much of
it will be spent at trying to see nice stuff at 70mph. Well 68- mines Mr
Husband likes to play it safe. And I guess there will be a fair bit of bad
language. I expect mines Mr Husband may swear once or twice too at passing
motorists. Unless they are old ladies. He has manners ye know. He has done all
the driving. He says he is 'more than happy to'- whatever that means.
Evening of Day 14: Here in Kings Lynn. Sat here with a big chocolate birfday
cake, courtesy of mines little sister- the one with the issues and the
confusion and the constipation and the accidental blue hair. It serves 14
people. Well that's what it says on the box. I don't think so. That means
sharing. And I don't like the idea of sharing chocolate cake. I had to carry it
all the way here on my lap- apparently there is no room left anywhere in the
car for anything else. That is because mines Mr Husband didn't let me pack it
up. I have long since been known as champion of 100 things in a thruppence
matchbox. I have applied this to all aspects of my life ever since becoming
champion. Ask anybody. Tomorrow we are on the final leg of our journey- a
caravan in Suffolk.
Evening of Day 15. I knew we were in Great Yarmouth the
moment we had to stop at the lights to let a pirate cross the road. Tis how
they roll in this part of the world. Got ice cream on me nipples again! Forgot
the golden rule of keeping them covered when eating ice cream.
Caravan is nice. Sitting on the edge of a building site. Not
soooo nice. It runs down hill. The caravan not the building site. Going to make
feel bad is that. I wasn't happy in the
first place as we brought everything from the car as I see mines Mr Husband has
unpacked before we left. I cannot find me Hoover
doofer thingy, or me halogen oven. Or me ornaments. Can't even find me bush
trimmer. On the plus side I do have a nice bit of fencing that he can erect
around me caravan and a nice plant. Also still have me party hat and a balloon.
Not forgetting me chocolate cake. Party in my bedroom tonight.
Morning of Day 16: Had some sleep on a child's single bed.
Woke up with my nose stuck to the side of the caravan. The inside - not the
outside. The inside of the caravan that is- not the inside of my nose. Do keep
up. Well it may not have been very comfortable but at least it was quiet. And
it didn't slope downhill like the double bed that mines Mr Husband occupied. He
don't care if he sleeps up side down he don't. Tis all the same to him when he
be snoring- he can't hear which direction up or down he is sleeping. Plus he
was a bat in a former life. I am far more normal.
We are just going to chillass today. Whatever that is. I
have seen other people say that. I thought 'sounds good to me'. Then mines Mr Husband pointed out we have sit
in the freezer and I can't be doing with a cold bum- no siree. Or cold feets. I
hates colds feets. Thats why I brought loads and loads of orgasm socks. So we
are not going to do anything much today. We tooooo tired.
Morning of Day 17: Another raggedy night on the childs bed.
Was slightly better in that I actually found some bedding for it last night.
Much more comfy and warm. Still woke up with me nose stuck to the side of the
caravan. My nose shall be flat as a pancake by end of this week!
Evening of Day 17: It has been bob a job week here this
week. I thought bit off considering tis me holidays. Also after the fiasco at
the Scout Jumble where I bought them all for 10p each and then found out when I
got home that I shouldn't have bought them at all I wasn't sure it was a good
idea. I don't have a good record with the scouts. Still I managed to procure
two little scouts to clean the caravan. These places are never cleaned to my
high standards. As usual I ended up with the one with a snotty nose and a crusty
toggle. I sent him back and asked for another. They sent one with bladder
issues and a penchant for my Scottish cookies. I tackled the scout master
directly in the end. He didn't seem to understand what I was saying. I think he
was French. Mines Mr Husband says, 'He isn't the scout master- he is the chef
from the restaurant over the road'. I don't give a feck who is- he can have his
piddly scout back. They all looked a bit put out but I shall do my own cleaning
and save money into the bargain.
Morning of Day 18 : Monday: Whoohoo- I love Mondays. Nookie
day for us. Used to be Tuesdays. Mines Mr Husband moved the day to confuse me.
Takes me ages to get into Nookie mindset. Now he has moved the feckin day. He
promised me sex everyday of me holidays in a different hotel- alas I didn't
find any hunks I fancied. Apart from the little man in the restaurant in Scotland
who told me his wee legs had been going like the clappers and was aching. I
offered to rub them down for him in my room. I even offered to give him a bath
and I even offered to share some of my Epsom salts. He went off to order me
dinner and I never seen him again. Then in another restaurant when I was
scouting for hunks an old man was giving me the glad eye in that my eye was
glad when he toddled off with another woman. That was mines Mr Husband settled
for the night. So best get some more relaxing in today- tonight could be
exhausting!
Morning of Day 18: Getting used to sleeping in the child's
bed now. Woke up with me nose pressed against the side of the caravan again
(still inside) and one of my arms in the overnight bag and my leg under the
suitcase. Still mines Mr Husband was sleeping and snoring quite happily upside
down in the big bed and that's all that matters to me. Thats cos I am a good
and considerate wife.
Evening of Day 18: -
Been to Algebra. Was very bracing. Got naked to encourage people to get naked
and go for swim. Not me of course- do ye thinks I am a nut job. I wasn't
getting in that cold sea. No siree. I was just trying to encourage some of the
others. But they all seemed to be giving me a wide berth. Mines Mr Husband said
'why did ye say to that woman in the shelter "clench your cheeks and move
your fat arse up a seat or three" ?'. I said 'cos she was taking up too
many seats with her cheeks spread out all over thems, and I bet she had no
knickers on'. He looked me straight in the eye and said 'How rude'. 'Well
precisely what I thought of her', I replied.
He said 'not her- you! I haven't been so embarrassed since - well since
yesterday when you tapped that lady on the shoulder and told her she was the
reason that some women should be stopped at the checkout from buying leggings'.
'That, my good man', I said 'was no lady- not with an arse like that- looks
like she had smuggled two toddlers in her drawers'. Mines Mr Husband said he
was considering divorcing me! Hmmm- now what?
Morning of Day 19: Getting used to this position in this
little child's bed now. I didn't even want to get up this morning. Soooo tired.
But a days adventures awaits. We are off to look at graves. You may say 'she
has totally lost the plot'. But nope I haven't. I know where they all are. I
checked with the doofer place before we left home.
Evening of Day 19: Had a really lovely day. The best yet. Ipswich has the most amazing Sainsbury's. I could easily
live here.
Morning of Day 20: Heading for home. Too much holiday and
too much adventuring. I think mines Mr Husband is worried we may have to spend
the day in Sainsbury's again.
Evening of Day 20: It has been the longest day ever. In all
of history. I swear. 7 hours of journey. Mines Mr Husband only let me out the
car to pee. I wasn't allowed to interact with anyone. Or strip off. Or cheer people
up. Our first stop- Sainsburys in Ipswich- I
insisted for a pee- I did disobey him. I interacted with a woman in the loos. I
said to her, through the cubicle door , 'Wow Mrs- that's some pee you are
having. Sounds like a waterfall- didn't ye go before ye left home?'. She was
going when I got in there and still going when I left. I said to her 'For
goodness sake Mrs- stop will ye- we shall be flooded out and me feckin arm
bands are at the bottom of the packing in the car'. She didn't answer. I
noticed in the car park she came back to her car and she had a little shitsoo.
Glad she never had that in there when I was in there! No place for little dogs.
Next Day back at home I reminisce: I did helped mines Mr
Husband with the driving on the holiday. Well, when I say helped. He didn't let
me have a go with the steering wheel or the pedals or the joy stick or anything
like that. Its not as if I even drive on the path all of the time. Anyways he appointed
me chief meerkat. Like when the chief meerkat stands on top of the hill to look
out of for predators. Well I did that. I had to look out for errant motorists
and pedestrians. Although he said he was pleased to give me this post I get the
feeling sometimes he didn't really want me to do it. Once or twice I shouted to
mind the sheeps in the fields and such like cows. He said they didn't pose a
problem but they did on the Isle of Mull- they wandered willy nilly I remember.
Once I shouted to make him stop for half a dead squirrel in the road. I said
'let me stop to get he for yer anniversary on Saturday'. He said he didn't want
half a dead squirrel. I even offered to help look for the other half. I said
'look, he died grinning- he got a massive smile on his face'. He said 'He didn't
die grinning- he looks like he died saying "eeeek- I am going to get run
over". I prefer to think he died happy with his hands on his nuts. Alas
his hands were in the air and I fear mines Mr Husband is right for once. Just
once mind you. It appears the squirrels nuts were missing. It is our
anniversary tomorrow- and I still haven't found him a present!
Just found out tomorrow is our seventh anniversary. Well I
already knew it was seventh. But I found out Tis our wool and copper
anniversary. Phew- that's has solved that problem of a present. I have three
baskets of wool and he can choose a ball from that. He can have whichever one
he wants. I am nice like that. Also may have a few coppers in me purse. Might
let him have a couple of them.
OUR ANNIVERSARY : Mines Mr Husband has declined the gift of
wool. He is such a misery guts at times. He even complained that I gave him a
blank card. 'Tis blank for ye own message'- I tells him. 'Ye can write what ye
likes in that'. He just looked at me blank as his card. Then he said 'Or I can
give it ye back and ye can give it me again next year- this way ye can save
some money' (he be a right tight arse when he is of the mind) and then he says 'or
ye can save for ye next husband'. Well there is no answer to that on ye
anniversary is there?
