Dirty Gertie, Slack Alice and the Bee Hive

Well me mate Theresa was calling by yesterday to go shoe shopping. Only she changed her mind at the last minute. Something about an election or something. I was at a loose end when Dirty Gertie called. Do ye remember me mate Dirty Gertie? Yeah that's the one. The one with the Vajazzle. Yes- the one who had the infection. Dirty minger hers is. Well she called me yesterday. She wanted me to go to the beauty salon place. I said 'they ain't feckin miracle workers ye knows'. Anyways she said she was going for that new treatment I was talking about. You know- the wasp nest up the nunny. Apparently her fancy man Trevor wanted her to go. Yep thats right hers got a fancy man. Met him up 'Grab a Granny' night up the bingo. He got funny eyes- they always be looking both ways for Wednesday. He also got a limp. An old war wound he says. He wasn't even born in the war. He just a lazy shite. He and Dirty Gertie been rowing cos she wants him to have his tattoos on his knuckles removed. 'I love me mam' it says. But he said he wouldn't be unfaithful to his mam for no woman so instead he painted I love Gertie on his Robin Reliant. He got I LOV down one side and E G on the front and R A T down the other side and two big X X on the back.  He dyslexic as well. Then on the bonnet he tried to paint a union Jack to show his loyalty to the King and Crown, (thats the pub- not the Royal Family) but he smudged it and then he tried to wipe it off with spit. He be a dirty fecker. Then he wiped it with his sleeve. Tis a right ol mess now- and the bonnet. Plus he only had blue paint. No red and no white. Still Gertie loves him. He sits on her balcony (up the tower block up town where she lives) swigging cider and vapourizing (all the rage now) singing along with the spice girls. I can't even repeat what he said he wouldn't like to do that Posh Spice on Friday night and a Saturday morning. 'Pure Heaven' is how Gertie gushes over him. Anyways she came round yesterday and she says that Trev wants her to go and have her Slack Alice tightened and she also heard about this Wasp nest up the slack Alice and wanted me to take her up the beauty salon. So I am a good friend so I did.

She was only in there a few minutes when she let out an almighty scream. She come out- she could hardly walk. I said 'ooooo, did it sting a bit'. She said 'no- they said they didn't have a wasp nest big enough'. Oooo-er. Dirty Gertie. Slack Alice or What!! Anyways she said 'I had to have an alternative'. Yep- tis true- I could see the legs of the beehive sticking out the legs of her drawers. Good job Winnie the Pooh lives so far away is what I say. Had to put her upside in the car to get her home. Good job I got a topless car is what she say!! She say- Trevor hasn't been home all night. He has an allergy to bees apparently. Guess that's another romance over before it Bee Gun.

Vajazzle, Singed Minge and Soap

Mines Mr Husband was upstairs at the window. No don't get all excited. He wasn't cleaning or flashing. He don't do cleaning windows if he can help it. Its against his religion. He don't go much in for flashing either. Anyways he was stood there and he shouts down 'Oh gawd, here comes thunder thighs, walking like she has lost her hoss'. 'Who you talking about?' I said. 'Dirtie Gertie, yer mate with the vajazzle'.  Remember I told you we went to the nail bar and she had a vajazzle done? Well turns out she got an infection. I had to take her back to the nail bar. I said 'we will get a taxi cos I don't be wanting you sitting in my car with an infection like that with no knickers on and I bet you ain't had a shower in a fortnight- ye be a dirty fecker'. She don't like water. Or soap. I kid ye not they had not seen an infection like it. I told her 'ye should have just had the muff buffed mate'. She can't walk at all now. They had to take the blow torch to it and now Dirtie Gertie got a singed minge. Won't be just her face she won't be able to show in there again I tell ye!