Nipples, Knobs and Jam

Well tis quite some time since I did a blog for thee all. 'Why be that Beth ?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. Tis been all go. We did have a bit of a holiday. We had the usual row over the ornaments and the bath mats and me packing them and Mines Mr Husband unpacking them. He said 'we don't have so much room this year pickle, we have only a small car'. Tis true. So I took his under crackers and socks out and made room for me bath mats. Always a way round these things ye know. 

Then we moved house. Yes, ye did hear that right. Well we didn't move the house we had to another place. We found another one. We needed a bungalow because my mobility has decreased. So I asked the universe for a bungalow- or I tells it I would settle for something bigger with a staircase that maybe the landlord would allow me to put in a nice slidy chair to go up the stairs and a slider to come down. So the universe got a tad mixed up and we got a bungalow with stairs. Yes that's right- a bungalow with stairs. So... ..basically we have a house. But the stairs are little and easy to manage. Also a very slippery kitchen floor so I can do slippy slidy with me kitchen chair. Also we have lots of neighbours- old peoples. I like old peoples generally because they don't make a noise. Well they do fart and pretend they didn't. No hang on- that's mines Mr Husband- yes that is mines Mr Husband.

It wasn't easy to move- Mines Mr Husband had to get me up and enthused. He didn't have too much trouble once he borrowed a cattle prod. It was just the two of us. I wasn't well enough really and I had several visits to the osteopath in between van loads. He helped me loads and loads. Although to be fair I was paying him loads and loads. Most of the time I ended up sat here on the sofa with a bag of frozen peas in me knickers and some bubble wrap (to pop- wonderful stress reliever).. and Mr Husband worked like a little Collie dog rounding up the sheep. He can do it with boxes. He is the box whisperer.

Mines Mr Husband has been and made a friend up the town in the music shop. He said they are having bread and jam sessions - I expect coffee will be involved. I said 'I don't care- when I have finished unpacking I will find a friend or two. I will look in the cake shop for mine. We will have cake and baileys sessions. That will be far more fun'.

B and Q was jealous when they found out I was shopping mostly in Homebase and Dunelm and sent me an email asking if they could get to know me better. So I did me naked wrecking ball routine through the store nearest to be. Got me nipples caught in the chain. Not so nice as they make out!

We are a little way a way from his work so he has a bit further to travel And still we have stuff to do at the old town yet. Me and Bob are spending a bit of time on the motorway too. Bob and Elvis says 'step on the gas Beth, step on the gas'. So we do. And we sing loudly and we get there quicker. I likes to do what I is told. Well usually only when I am naked- but also when Bob and Elvis tells me. Yesterday we did that. We had to go to the Doctors Bob and Me. The weather is colder and I noted his knob was freezing. Not the Doctors- what kinda gal you think I am? And more to the point what kind a gal do you think my Doctor is? No- I am talking about Bobs Knob. I am surprised it wasn't shrivelled up. I have seen knobs shrivel up in cold weather before. Talking of which Mr Husbands came with us too. Bob said, 'Jeez me knob is cold but the sun is out, why don't we go topless?'. I said 'cos tis not good for me nipples me ol' cocker but I will keep me hand on your knob and change gear lots and your Knob will be nice and warm'. He was content with that but he and Elvis made me go fast down the motorway again. Mines Mr Husband chose to drive back. I think we goes to fast for him, Bob, Elvis and Me.

Also on the subject of Mines Mr Husband Tesco is advertising for 'festive colleagues' for the festive period. I have bought mines Mr Husband a reindeer costume and sent him off to apply. He looked festive enough to me so fingers crossed. If that don't work I have my last years santa outfit here he can borrow. (See photo on profile- tis a very fetching outfit). I know what ye are thinking 'but your Mr Husband has a good job- he don't be needing another'. True. But I need some extra cash to spend some extra time in Dunelm. They have cake upstairs to die for don't ya know? Sod the bath mats!

Anyways not quite settled in the new place. We can't get channel 20. Tis very disappointing. I can't get last of the summer wine. Think I shall have a breakdown now! New neighbours are already traumatised because we have no nets and they are nosy. Serves them right. Also BT man was traumatised one morning because we didn't know he was coming and I was naked when he knocked at the door. Then I knew he was coming and traumatised. Note BT- advanced warning would be great in future. Ps. I can't get channel 20. Did I mention that. Mines Mr Husband said channel 20 is the drama channel- ye got facebook for that. But tinternet is sporadic. So I am going to be drama free for sometime me thinks. Also pigeons nest on our roof cos the silly ol' bugger next door feeds them.

And before ye asks yes I still don't let mines Mr Husband sleep in my bedroom. His is snoring so loud I just seen three dragons run past in fear. He sleeps t'other end of landing now and I can still hear him. He has a bed of course. And he is in a bedroom! I am not that mean. However tomorrow I may be depending on my migraine. I may move his bed to the garage. The esso one on the motorway.!

The voices have been giving me trouble. They woke me up saying 'cream eggs, cream eggs. You need cream eggs'. I know they aren't real (the voices, not the cream eggs) but they do have some good ideas. However, you can't just get up and get a cream egg in the middle of the night.  Then the next night they woke me up saying 'Why don't you google storeaway furniture?' Then the next night again they woked me saying 'Dizzy Gillespie-' WTF? Then they say 'No- Dizzy Rascal'. Me again 'WTF?' Then again 'Dance yourself Dizzy- Do you remember that?'- Me 'WTF- go back to sleep- it's 3am and I don't want to sing or dance'. Then suddenly I am awake and thinking 'Who the feck is Dizzy Gillepsie?'- Good job I got a Mr Husband with an IQ second to Einstein. Although tis true Einstein only knew the theory of a flat pack whereas Mines Mr Husband has gone a bit beyond the theory.  Pity I don't have his knack for ignoring the 3am voices that want to sing and dance when I want to sleep. To be honest I preferred the cream egg scenario. Much more my thing at 3am. Dear Voices- I know you are not real, and I also know that sometimes you have good ideas (cream eggs) but sometimes you have shit ideas at shit times -if its 3am please let me sleep!! If you don't I will start doing only what my rice krispies tell me to do and you will not be my friend anymore!

Also since we lived here I have discovered I have one earhole smaller than the other- t'was during autumn watch when they were doing a bit about squirms and I stuck me fingers in me ears and one went in further than the other. Tis funny the things ye learns on Autumn watch.

So that be it really for now- Mines Mr Husband has returned the cattle prod and all is well here. I am googling pigeon recipes.

Lost, Oddballs and Crablegs

I bet ye all wondering 'where is Bulldog clip Beth' (as seen on national tv) ? Well I will tell ye. I got a little green car now called 'The Pea' . I had a little trip out in the pea. I call it the pea cos when it be parked over road between the 4year old white van man and the 5year old white van man (he must be older cos he got a bigger van) my little car looks like a little pea in a sandwich. Anyways I went to seaside in Pea. I was worried in case I couldn't find my way home again. Mines Mr Husband said 'just ask someone pickle for directions home'. So I had a nice day walking along the beachy thingy and chatting to seagulls and oddballs. Collected a few shells, a pebble or two and a crabs leg. Then it was time to come home. I looked around the car park for someone to ask directions. I found an old person and his wife. I thought 'I bet he been about a bit, round the block a few times, so I will ask him'. So I went up to him and asked three times no less cos as it turned out his hearing aid was turned off 'do ye know the way home??' He said he did. So I said 'I will follow you then'. He nodded. So that it is what I did. I didn't think mines Mr Husbands suggestion would work but here I be. I followed the old person home. I must say tis good of them to make me a cucumber sandwich and a cuppa tea. And if you ask me there decor needs a bit of titivating- its a bit old peopleish. And if I am completely honest smells a bit of wee. They need ones of thems apricot and champagne flavour candles. But mines Mr Husband wouldn't let me buy one because he says it left my lips with a waxy feel.  Anyways I have no feckin idea how to get to mines skinny bitch house from here- I hope mines Mr Husband has managed to find something for his tea!!