Treats, Quality Sausage and Whipping my Nae Nae.

Mines Mr Husband took me up the muff for a treat. We had a quality sausage up the café. You know how I feel about quality sausage. Never have anything less. Also tis a nice Café. Posh. The first thing you see is when you open the door is the best cake on the planet. Well the best cake up the muff. Mines Mr Husband made me sit right up the back of the café so I wouldn’t drool over the cake. He told me I had to eat all my sausage before I could have cake. I sat there still looking at all the peoples all down the café (tis a long café). I was worried they would eat all the cake before I had finished partaking of my quality sausage. So when Mines Mr Husband left me unattended for a minute or two I stripped off, climbed on the table, grabbed the nearest light fitting and swang through the café singing wrecking ball. The café cleared in seconds apart from the old geezer in the corner. He tried to have a stroke. I was just getting round to whipping me nae nae and who should appear to piss on me beans but Mr Husband himself. He was cross and said I couldn’t have cake if I didn’t come down. In the end we struck a deal- I would only come down if I got cake. He had to relent and  I had a cake that had icing and inch thick and I am still on the ceiling. I am typing this with my nose.

Strokes, Massage and Patriotic Pussy

SUNDAY: I had to call the nice policemans today to complain about he at number 29 sunbathing naked. The policemans said 'I can't see anything'. I tells him 'No, ye can't from yer ye dozy bugger- ye gotta climb on top of wardrobe to see him properly'.  He said he wouldn't be climbing on top of my wardrobe so he couldn't do anything about my complaint. Guess I shall just have to put up with it.

MONDAY: I have been to the osteopaff. He says I got a nice body. I told him,' you may as well put thems candles out'.  He says 'they are for ambience'. I tells him 'When you lift my legs above my head mate I will be providing ambience I can tell ye- and the last osteopaff I seen - well I blowed his candles out- and not from the top end'. Then he stuck akipumbter needles in me. Mines Mr Husband he gave me a bottle of water on the way home. I leaked liked a feckin colander. So that was a waste of time. Anyways he has promised me he will have me upright and walking in three weeks. So me climb of Everest is booked and I will stick a flag in it when I get there to let ye all know the osteopaff worked!

I am a bit achy. Mines Mr Husband suggest I have a nice relax in the bath. I am only in there ten minutes and he comes in and says 'Why don't you put some water in there pickle? And take your clothes off as well?' - 'Why don't you mind your own feckin business?' I says to him. He is gone to sulk in his shed. We still don't have a shed. Tis very worrying when he goes out to sulk in it.

TUESDAY: I been up to see the Dr again. She said she thinks I have had a mini stroke. Well that be a bugger. I said 'well that was good t'was only little then and I am ok'. She said 'Well no, because a mini stroke is often a warning that something else could happen'. Well cheer a gal up why don't you. Then she said 'I will need to keep a close eye on you'.  I tells well 'I will just pop home and get me suitcase packed'. She asked what for? I don't understand that woman sometimes. 'Cos I am coming home with you ain't I so you can keep a close eye on me'. Anyways she says 'You won't be needing to go home and get clothes'. Oooo-er, I think she is a bit kinky just between me you and the gatepost. Then she says 'You won't need to come home with me- we can keep an eye on you by you coming in to be checked regularly' I am currently camping naked in the waiting room. Tis not very quiet in yer I must say. And I do get some very funny looks when I pokes me head out of me tent first thing...............but better be safe than sorry.

WEDNESDAY: Sometimes I am lonely. I told mines Mr Husband this. He just carried on playing his scrabble. On his own. I know, I know.......... So I told him I want a dog. A little red, white and blue dog'. He said 'why red, white and blue?'. I said 'because then I won't be lonely'. He said 'But why Red, White and Blue? What difference does the colour make?' I said 'because people will stop and talk to me- he will be a centrepiece my Red, White and Blue dog and I shall call him "pussy" and then I shall say to passers by "would you like to stroke my dog" ' . Too be honest I don't even care if I just have a Blue dog- that would be different enough for me. Mines Mr Husband says that we probably won't get a blue dog very easily. He always pisses on my chips that man! Always gives up at the first hurdle. Not me, I am no quitter- that's why I don't stop eating chocolate.

THURSDAY: I have had three lots of bumph this week from Sun Life. They must have heard about me stoke.  I am so glad I don't live next door to that nosy feckin June who also collects your post and then brings it right into your house and waits for you to open it or else I may have even more bumph.

Also we been up the Muff again to get me chocolate shampoo, Mines Mr Husband takes care of it for me to stop me drinking me it should I be lured by the smell of chocolate in the dark of the night. He says he don't be wanting me farting chocolate bubbles all day......like last time. In the shop where I buys it there was a nice lady who greeted me. She said 'I am Mary- I do Massage'. 'Congratulations'- I says. Then she says 'I am offering a mini massage out the back- would you like one?' I says 'For fecks sake missus I only comes in for me chocolate shampoo'. She says 'Well the mini massage is free'. I tells her 'I am not sure I am wanting me mini massaged at this precise time- I only comes in for shampoo like I tells ye before'. Then she says 'I don't charge'. I says 'Do you want me naked or do ye just want me to show yer me mini?' Anyways whilst she was deciding I was undressed and stood in the middle of the buckwheat and quinoa awaiting further instruction- singing Wrecking Ball and whipping me nae nae. Then she said she couldn't fit me in- she remembered she had to be somewhere else. Waste of everyone's feckin time. However I did get chance to show me stripping and naked dancing skills to a whole new lot of people. Win Win.

FRIDAY MORNING: Well we shall have snow for sure. Mr Husband has declared he needs to go to the dentist. The last time he went there Queen Victoria was on the throne, Bruce Forsyth was just beginning his career in showbiz, London burned because some asshole baker left the bread in too long and the pied piper was piping. Dear God if you are listening please send us a few thousand pound cos this is gonna be an expensive do. Its like the dark hole of calcutta in that there mouth I tell ye.

FRIDAY: I have been good. Salad for tea. It being Friday we normally have Krispies. Not rice Krispies you feckin eejits. No Krispies fish and chips- the best in the UK- supposedly. But you know two weeks ago I had a mini stroke so tonight my head was saying salad. My heart was saying Krispies. Mines Mr Husband says 'your heart should be saying salad- it needs salad'. So salad it was. But now I am thinking- well I am going die sooner or later (I know- don't be sad- you are too!!) and I am now thinking- I wish I had had Krispies. Who wants to feckin die eating salad anyway? Guess what I am having for tea tomorrow not. (There won't be a lettuce leaf in sight!!) I am going to go out of this world with a glass of Baileys in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other. I will go out sideways ,naked. No need for clothes.

SATURDAY : The Dr tells me I have a slow metabolism caused by a knackered thyroid which means I can't lose the cake shape easy. Protein however speeds metabolism up. Bear with me- you are getting a feckin free science lesson here. I could eat more eggs, tuna, or chicken. Or lesgummys or such stuff.  But I mentioned to Mines Mr Husband I am sure in Tesco they have bottled protein- I sawed it with my very own eyes. He said 'well, that's for fitness freaks my little peach'. I said 'Yay- I am a fitness freak so I can have some'. Then he said 'No- you freak out when you hear the word fitness- tis not the same'. So eggs it is then. I shall pop them in a cake- win win.

Final thought for the week: I am not sure if Mr Juicy playing 'If you go down in the woods today' is appropriately themed or named for an ice cream man in today's culture!

May Poles, Nudity and Goolies

May Day for dancing round Maypoles naked. Don't have one, so going to hang stuff on the whirlygig thingamajig in the garden and dance naked round that instead.

'After we have danced round the maypole - erm washing line whirlygig thingmajig, naked what shall we do on this cold, wet, windy day my little fruit cake?' mines Mr Husband said. I was just excited at the word cake. So I bought one. 'Lets run naked along the sea wall in Exmuff' I said- he knows I loves to do this. 'Erm- lets not' he said. 'It be far too chilly for that- tis a bit nipply noodles out and it be blowing a goolie or two'. Anyways I persuaded him to take me up the Muff just the same and up the Oracle. He has no shame - he will take me anywhere that man. I ran naked along the cliff tops sending all kinds of peoples and pets into frenzies and one or two got black eyes. Tis very busy up there on a Bank Holiday. Couple of cows looked a bit surprised as well. Anyways I had a roll round in the grass to get some perfect cliff top pictures and now I have grass stains in places I can't be showing me mother. Mines Mr Husband went dressed for hiking up a snowy mountain in the arctic. He was still shivering. It be because he very old and I forgot to take his tarten blankie. Poor Soul. I had to bring him home and thaw him out. He be having a nice warm on the sofa with a cup of something to warm his cockles. I be fine I be. I do like to feel the wind racing through me hair. Me own fault I forgot to shave. Try to remember next time.

Muff Buff, Piles and Moles

Uh oh. Big Pearl hears about Dirtie Gerties singed Minge. She was disgusted. Anyways she says to me 'since the muff buff I discovered I have a mole down there'- she whispered this bit. Oooo-er missus. She wanted me to have a look!! I am not a mole expert. Anyways I had a quick look- not that I intent to make a habit of it ye understand looking at muffs moles. Turns out it weren't a mole at all. Was a Hamster! Think she sat on it again! #awkward.

On the plus side today I am taking the risk of losing my parking space and taking the pea for a run to spend times with mines little sister- (the one with the issues and the day confusion, accidental blue hair and the constipation and part time camel toe - by her own admission- I won't mention her piles cos she is sensitive about it).

Vajazzle, Singed Minge and Soap

Mines Mr Husband was upstairs at the window. No don't get all excited. He wasn't cleaning or flashing. He don't do cleaning windows if he can help it. Its against his religion. He don't go much in for flashing either. Anyways he was stood there and he shouts down 'Oh gawd, here comes thunder thighs, walking like she has lost her hoss'. 'Who you talking about?' I said. 'Dirtie Gertie, yer mate with the vajazzle'.  Remember I told you we went to the nail bar and she had a vajazzle done? Well turns out she got an infection. I had to take her back to the nail bar. I said 'we will get a taxi cos I don't be wanting you sitting in my car with an infection like that with no knickers on and I bet you ain't had a shower in a fortnight- ye be a dirty fecker'. She don't like water. Or soap. I kid ye not they had not seen an infection like it. I told her 'ye should have just had the muff buffed mate'. She can't walk at all now. They had to take the blow torch to it and now Dirtie Gertie got a singed minge. Won't be just her face she won't be able to show in there again I tell ye!