Orgies, Twerking and a touch of the Piftics

 WEDNESDAY: Well yesterday I was able to convince Mines Mr Husband that he would enjoy a trip to Dunelm to get Bath Mats. First he resisted saying that Fathers Day was truly long gone, as was his birthday, and also no need to buy bath mats for holiday- blah blah blah- heard all the reasons not to go. Also he had a touch of the piftics yesterday so I had to do my best kitty eyes and my best sexy, sultry pout. Eventually he agreed to take me in Dunelm (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame). Soon as I got there I spied the very inviting bed. I started stripping. 'T'is hot in yer' I complained. Do ye know what Mines Mr Husband said? No? Well I tell ye what he said. He said 'If you take one thing off we are going home'. That's what he said. Well there I am going round a boiling hot shop and not allowed to take off me hat, or gloves, or scarf or ski jacket. Like feckin boil in the bag cod I was (Without the smell I add hastily). Mines Mr Husband actually enjoyed himself when he got into- I took him in the baking dept (he a bit of bread baker so he is)- he even bought his self a new baking sheet. Anyways I occupied meself by going and looking everyone else's basket. 'Do ye really need that?' 'Will ye be hiding that from your Mr Husband when ye gets home?' 'Did ye know they are just a pound in the pound shop?' 'Did ye know that Homebase got a sell and bedding sets just a fiver?' I made some new friends by initiating these conversations. Anyways the manager wasn't none to pleased and asked me to stop. I said I was sorry 'do ye want to see me boobies?'. She said she didn't. So I made up for it by sneaking around and adding stuff to peoples basket. Dunelm made a few extra sales yesterday and all thanks to me!!

 THURSDAY: Well I have to say its been a day and three quarters of a half today. Doing our Mr Tumnus shots in the woods- we realised nude photography is a shock to some- people covering thems kids eyes and running in all directions. 'Put your clothes back on' I begged Mines Mr Husband- 'ye are causing distress'. We did get a nice photo of some little squirrels playing with them nuts and Mines Mr Husband even played hide and seek with one. He was lucky they didn't go for his nuts! I assume the cold weather had something to do with this.

We went for fish and chips. I was asked not to take chips of peoples plates in the fish shop- or fish or sausages. Not allowed back in there!

Her at number 12 got her pumpkins out on the doorstep- Mr Husband noticed first. He always notices things like that first. 'Bit premature'. I told her. She wasn't listening. I had to shout it through her letterbox.

Also we took our beloved Jag to the garage for MOT. Tomorrow we go to collect it. We shall wear black and I might, even out of respect for it, wear knickers. The horrible man told us he wouldn't even MOT it. It is too deaded to MOT. We are deeply saddened- 8 years we have loved that car like it was our own. Well it is our own. I am glad that Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment. One of us crying a flood will be enough!!!

SATUDAY; Well I can only say its been a terse and fractions week. Me recovering from the dreaded lurgy and Mines Mr Husband recovering from nights- he did have a touch of the piftics midweek. Yesterday was the saddest day for a very long time for us. When I say Mines Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment- apparently that only applies to human beings and cats (although he is quite attached to my pussy). Cars, computers and books he does do. So we are both grief stricken over the demise of our beloved Jag. He drove it back from the garage- the man had written horrid things about it on the paperwork. I followed him back in the pea. Mines Mr Husband in the Jag- not the horrid man at the garage. That would be stalking. I am not that weird- unless its Johnny Depp or Colin Firth- that's different. The Jag looked sad. Elvis was singing 'There goes my everything'. Elvis was crying. Tears streaming down his face. Then he sang 'Only the Strong Survive'. The end of era. We sat numb, silent and sad ALL DAY. I need CAKE!!! Even when her over at the corner got her puppies out Mines Mr Husband didn't cheer up. He didn't even want to stroke them. His eyes looked as sad as theirs and his ears almost as floppy. On the plus side the Jag passed its emission tests. Less so Exeter town centre which is still ablaze!
Today is national cat day- so pussies everywhere getting lots of attention. (We hope).
Crankbrook is having its Pumpkin Party and Ball- I am not allowed to go on account of the cock ups last year when I arrived naked on my mine doing my wrecking ball routine. Apparently it is a family function not a feckin orgy. I got Ogre and Orgy mixed up again! The year before that they had a toga party and I went dressed as a goat. Tis me dicksleckyswhatsit that does it to me!
Don't forget to turn ye clocks back an hour. Ye gets an extra hour in bed. I already practiced this morning. I am quite excited because this means for the first time ever the clock in the pea will be right. Now all I have to do is remember not to add an hour every time I look at it!
MONDAY: Mines Mr Husband took me in Homebase this morning- he fecking take me anywhere- he has no shame. He bought me a new doofer thingy- which I will have to show ye all when tis charged up. It has tools and everyfink. I bought him some long nose pliers to pluck them tricky hard to get little feckers that gets up his nose- hairs that is, not people. He said he was going to buy me a pair to pluck the hairs on me moustache. He always finkin of me that man. He is too sweet.

Bikinis, Boobs and Bargains

Monday was a nice day here in Sunny Devon in the South West of England- the sun was shining very brightly and still warm enough to go out without a coat. I enticed Mines Mr Husband to the outside world and we had a road trip to the beautiful Brixham where we watched Seals frolicking and the Beautiful Torquay where we watched Kestrels catching dinner. The evening we ended up on Paignton beach- we didn't wash up with the tide or anything- we droved there. We watched the sun set- not over the sea as Mines Mr Husbands promised but over yonder hills. Well he watched the sunset- I collected sea shells and tormented the waves with my 'shall I or shan't get me feet wet' method of collecting shells. Funny though, I was the only one the whole day who was in me bikini. Mines Mr Husband didn't want to wear his.

In Torquay the £1 shop had a sale. I was most thrilled. Mines Mr Husband couldn't see the point of everything being reduced to 90pence. But I said 'look 'ere mate if I buy 10 things I have saved a £1. You stick with me kid- I will show ye thrifty'. I bought two boxes of chocolate brazils and a huge box of jaffa cakes. Mines Mr Husband said 'that don't be looking very healthy shopping'. So I chucked in a dieting book. Still he grumbled. So I explained how healthy it truly was: 'Brazil Nuts are one of me five a day-healthy. Chocolate is made from Cocoa beans- a vegetable- healthy. Jaffa cakes contain Chocolate- see above; also orange jelly- Orange one of me five day- healthy; and sponge- contains eggs that are good for you and also come from chickens. This means I have practically got a roast dinner in this basket. And on top of that there is milk in chocolate and this means I am getting calcium for me bones which is important in old people- so I am willing to share my roast dinner with you'. He just sighed.

In Brixham I heard an old man say 'Come yer and let me take your top off'. I didn't need asking twice and by the time I reached him I already had me top off. Mines Mr Husband, ever vigilant grabbed hold of me and made me put it back on. 'Why you do that and jiggle your boobies to that old man?- he nearly had coroner'.  I was a bit confused if I am honest. I did think it was a bit of a racy suggestion for a place like Brixham. I thought it may have been his birthday or his last day on earth or something. I am all for helping someone have a good birthday or a last day on earth so I am. 'He asked me too', I told Mines Mr Husband. 'No he didn't' he said- 'he was talking to his wife- she couldn't get the top off her bottle of water'. Well how the feck was I supposed to know. I would like to think I brightened an old mans day.

Thems across the road have come home with thems new baby- I am still trying to get a peak. They keep her covered with a blanket. She must be well feckin ugly. I know it is a she because they told Mines Mr Husband it is called Grace. Unless they are calling boys Grace this day. 'Tell them to call her Gary' I said. 'The world is running out of Gary's' I said. He said it was up to them what they called their baby. I still think I should have been consulted. Anyways her, the mother, (the family sized gateau shape one from Iceland with the integrated bike rack that has just had the baby called Grace), has kept her bush in very good order. It is blooming and a real pleasure to see when I looks out me kitchen window. I takes me hat off to her. Some women let thems bushes go to wrack and ruin when they have a baby so they do.

Also this week- The Russians are coming.

Getting a Grip, Large Willies and Going Metric

I love my Samsung phone ye know. 'Why do ye love yer Samsung phone Beth?' I hear ye cry. Well I tell ye. It's because of the scheduling text thingymajig. Yesterday I was able to schedule a text and send it to myself to receive at 7am this morning. I won't be doing that time again- I was still asleep and fecking woke meself up!! On the plus side I wished meself a Happy Birfday. I know the brighter ones among you will be saying 'Your birfday is surely in September Beth'. Well, the official one is I know- according to mines mother (who reckons she was there when I was born) and the birf certificate I have. But I like to have two birfdays. So I am celebrating my 22 1/2 with 30 years and 2weeks experience birfday today. I am looking forward to cake. On the downside mines Mr Husband forgot it was mines other birfday and he hasn't bought me anyfink. Good job I still got some of the icing left he bought me for last years birfday!

I have been pondering what asshole put the two words 'fun and run' together. What is fun about it exactly? I didn't think the 40 mile fun run I did with mines Mr Husband (whilst he was dressed as superman) was much fun in my sleep last night- I have very feckin sore hips this morning.

Also I ask mines Mr Husband if we leave the Eurothingymagjig will we be able to go back to feets and inches? I have never been happy with the new metric doodah not since 1971 when they changed it. Mines Mr Husband pointed out that I was only 8 at the time and I should be used to it by now. Why? Why should I? A girl knows where she is with 8 inches. I argued with him (and a very valid point if ye ask me)- who ever says ' look at that 2km of willy'. He says 'nobody because that 2km is = to 3miles (I told ye ye learns someat new everyday- who knew? )and furthermore, not only but also, who would want one that big?'. I says 'my sister probably wouldn't mind giving it a bash. She is game for anything'. Anyway he says its time I got to grips with it. I tell ye I am grappling with it- he be a bit annoyed cos he wants to get dressed- I wish he would make his feckin mind up- either he wants me to get to grips with it or he don't.

Sexy and Sultry Rude Girl

A funny old week- and in this order too........

Monday - Great evening in bed with Elvis again. No wonder me feckin hips are knackered. All that gyrating. All that singing, well the neighbours called it something else but I sure as hell don't remember feckin what. Can do it all again tomorrow night. I likes to be giving them a treat of my singing. I am sure that in time they will be enjoying it more. Last week according to mines Mr husband some came to the door with requests. 'What they request?' I asks him, getting me singing voice ready for more delightful sounds.  'That you shut the feck up' he says. He lied. They loves me really.

Friday - 'Happy Birthday to a wonderful sexy woman'- mines mr Husband read the text from my phone. I thought 'uh oh- here we go'. 'Why,' he asked, 'in Gawds feckin name have you sent yourself a birthday text'. 'Well', I said , 'I thought I may not get such a fabulous text from anyone else- and to be fair I didn't'. He left the room shaking his little bald head from side to side. I don't mean its bald from side to side- its more from top to bottom really. No he was shaking his head from side to side. He was muttering about little white jackets and straps. I think that's what he wants for his birthday. See what I can do- ever obliging am I!

Tuesday - Mines Mr Husband just asked if I know how to play chest. No sooner had he got the words out then I whipped me top off and me boobies out. 'No, no-' he cried- ' I said chess- not chest- you rude girl put your clothes back on'. I pouted (I have a very sultry sexy pout apparently- although its more likely to be wind these days!) 'lets not waste a good opportunity now I have them out' I pleaded- but no- he ran into the kitchen to do the dishes. I just don't understand mines Mr Husband sometimes!! On the plus side I think from now on I know how to get him to do the dishes....

Tuesday also -Watching Kate Middletons' hair dresser on cutting your own fringe- so you not supposed to cut it off in clumps! Mmm- can't see me changing that- I gotta cut what I can feckin see mate. Get the Kate Middleton look? Yeah- lets go for it- hopefully I will get meself a nice Prince William too......

Sunday - Mines Mr Husband thinks by evading the question 'Darling, how do I put the heating on myself' I will be thwarted. You would think after twelve years he should know me better. Ah- good old you tube- tonight when he is at work that thermostat is going to move up a notch or two and in the morning when I am forced out of bed at an ungodly hour when he decidest to clamber in and snore me out I shall be nice and warm as toasty. Don't mess with the Zohan and don't mess with the Beth!!

Saturday - I said to mines Mr Husband ' Seeing as I am struggling a bit with my mobility around the house I thought it would be super nice if we got a little helping hand around the house'. He knows it makes sense and it would save him having to wash up. He raised his bushy eyebrow- (yep guys- he hasn't done anything to his- they are all his own) he never spoke, he just raised his bushy eyebrow- with that 'well go on then, lets hear this' look. So I carried on. ' A maid we should have, a live in maid- to help me with dressing and undressing, showering and bathing, cooking and cleaning etc'. He raised his other bushy eye brow (yup- he still has both)- he looked more interested. His eyes lit up. 'And, erm where would this maid sleep my little pickled pumpkin?'- he looked a tad bit too hopeful if ye should ask me. 'In with me of

course- everything should be above board', I told him. He didn't seem sure. 'It shall be a naked maid'- I said. His bushy eyebrows stayed raised and his eyes lit up more and come out on stalks. 'Naked you say?' I nodded. Now he definitely looked more interested. 'Yep, naked' I continued- 'well apart from his dickie bow and his socks of course'- and that my friends is how the fight started.

Mines Mr Husband found out that I had packed the bath mat to take on holiday, (well I told him-I had to because he had to move the suitcase) but now he says that 'it is not normal to take your bath mats on holiday'. I said to him 'Bath mats need a feckin holiday too ye knows'. He ignored me and went on about how much the apartment was costing and it should be fully equipped so I was to unpack the bathmats, all the bedding, the shower curtain and the extra shower head. Also we only have a car and we are not hiring a feckin van just to go on holiday and why can't I be normal. I said 'I don't know why ye can't be feckin normal- I really don't'. Anyhows IMHO- ye can't be too careful when ye goes on holiday behinds other people. Other peoples can be dirty feckers and I don't want to be getting veruccas. Then he asked (cos he be damn nosy) why I kept staring at number 53 across the road and tutting. 'Tis because she at number 53, Mess (t'other half of Porky), she with the integrated bike rack (I have seen it when she was bent over pruning her bush) has left her kitchen cupboard door open and has gone out. And I am wondering why a) she has left it open - it is impairing my vision of her kitchen and b) where she has gone. Nobody tells me feckin anything g round yer.' Now he is tutting.

Tuesday - I learned they have name a place Wensleydale- you know after the cheese in Wallace and Grommit. I reckon they would feel right honoured to know that.