Steak and Blow Job Please

Are ye all wondering what I been up to this week. Week and a half I tell ye. This is what t'was like in our little corner of the world.:

 MONDAY I sent mines Mr Husband to the garden on a mission to find something nice for tea. He came back with two fuchsias and a dahlia bulb. 'No, go back and find something edible'. We do grow a bit of our own now. Well tomatoes and potatoes. Not that we have any tomatoes yet. The next thing I hear is him shouting- 'I have a big one, I have a big one'. Well ye can't be wasting opportunities at our times in life so I stripped off there and then and ran into the garden. I thought 'I bet he be stroking me clematis again'. When I got there he was holding up a potato. 'See, I got a big one' he repeated. 'Why are ye naked fruitcake?'. Some days the emotional mix of excitement and disappointment can be too much in this yer house I tells ye.

TUESDAY: Oh yay- excited much more than having triplets. Mines Mr Husband is letting me take my new doofer Hoover on holiday so I can glide from hotel to hotel. This is going to be a fandabdoozy holiday.

WEDNESDAY AM -Bedtime was a waste of time. I watched the sun go down. I watched it get back up. I was out at 5am (I know- too feckin early), in me nothings (well I had me orgasm socks on). I was out there in me garden boiling slugs. Cos that's how I roll. Now I want to go to sleep but I can't because we are taking the Jag to the Jag hospital for a new ouse and new hose. It has a temperature and a runny nose. Tis very poorly. Me, Elvis and the Pea have to follow Mr Husband to Taunton. He will be driving at 67mph and I will want to do slightly more (I won't say how much more in case the policemans are listening). But no fear I shall stay behind Mr Husband or I will get lost. I don't like following him. I tells him 'I am a leader me ol 'cocker, a leader not a follower. I likes to do me own thing I do'. I don't mind getting a bit lost cos that be when ye discover exciting things and places. True. But then I can't be getting lost when I supposed to following Mines Mr Husband or the poor divil will have to walk thousands of miles back home. And he got wonky feet already.  So I will follow him to the garage. Good girl that I be. Then I am going to me muvvers and favvers to cut their hair. Wish them luck- cos it be well known I ain't no hairdresser.

WEDNESDAY PM was an exceptionally long day given I never had any sleep the last night.  We took the car to the Jag hospital and paid a HUGE bill for it to be made better. Then they gived us a list as long as yer arm with things gone to pot and needs doing and another massive quote that is going to cost more than the car is worth. Heartbroken we are. I drived my little pea - well ye can't expect Mr Husband to walk for miles and miles. I am kind like that- I gived him a lift. On the way home I puts me toe down (Elvis told me to) and got in the outside lane. Tis true I drives a bit sharper than Mr Husband but I have always been nifty with an accelerator. I always wear a bra when driving so me nipples don't become jammed under the pedals. (Plus Mines Mr Husband worries than van drivers will be gawping down me blouse at me rather ample bosom if I don't wrap them up. I keeps all me bits wrapped up I do when I am driving.  'Go faster Way O' Down' Elvis cried. So I did. The faster I drived the louder Elvis singed.  Mr Husband said 'I was doing 190 to keep up with ye -ye was going to fast'. I said 'What ye on about - my thingy clock said 65 and ye shouldn't be doing such speeds- tis against the law' - he thinks I am telling porkies. Then Elvis suggested we look for a pokerman- something about in a viva in  Las Vegatables. Makes ye drive a bit erratic so it does. A couple of times we had to take short cuts. Not good on the motorway but alleviates the boredom. Me and Elvis was singing so loud and having such a good time we didn't hear any sirens or see any carnage. Or any pokermans. I had a good time anyways. Also mines muvver and favver are sporting new hair doos.

THURDSAY Mr Husband said 'Pumpkin'- (he calls me that as a term of endearment- not because I am pumpkin shaped- well that's what he says), 'Pumpkin' he says- 'do ye know what day tis?'. I thought 'eh up- a trick question'. He knows full well I get confussed over days sometimes. But not as often as mines little sister- she is always day confussed. I had a quick glance at the calendar. 'Mmm tis Thursday I think'- I says. 'NO' he says 'think harder'. I looked at the calendar again. Tis hard to work out when Elvis is staring seductively at ye. 'Friday' I says a bit more confidently.

Again he said no. In the end, by the time I got to Thursday again  I says 'Oh for feck sake, seems like some days must be missing off this calendar. Elvis still winking at me, making me think naughty thoughts. Tis true I was getting distracted at this point. Then suddenly he says (mines Mr Husband not Elvis) 'Tis steak and BJ day'. Well I be buggered. I thought we had already had that day twice this year. 'Well' I said 'Bis had that me ol' cocker we have no steak'. Then would you Adam and Eve it- He produced two lamb steaks- that to be honest passed for beef when they was on the plate. And usually Steak and BJ day we only have a bit o' sausage. We don't push the boat out. Anyways I let him cook it. I was too tired. Spent all day running naked through a field of daisies yesterday. Well that's by the by. Then after the steak I went upstairs to find him lying naked on MY bed. MY bed. He said 'ye knows what I wants now pumpkin- I wants me Blow Job'. I said 'fair enough'. Anyways I had the hair dryer too high a setting and now he is suffering with burns. Some really nice people here at the hospital. He won't ask for that again in a hurry I don't expect.

FRIDAY- we had the agent come to do her inspection. She walked in with a camera and informed us she would be taking pictures to prove she had been here. 'Do ye want us naked?' I asked her- immediately stripping. She seemed very worried especially when mines Mr Husband asked if she wanted a selfie with him and did she want one in every room. I asked her if she still wanted us naked. She said she didn't need to stay long at all and didn't even need to go upstairs. (Good job-thats where I grows me drugs and keeps all the illegal immigrants). She wanted out quick yesterday. Good job I had rope and gaffer tape to hand me thinks.

After wards, staying with the camera theme Mines Mr Husband took me in Currys- (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame) to buy a mop. But he treated me to a new camera for me holiday for me birfday. Tis true tis not until September but I am impatient. Also I wanted birfday cake but I have to wait for that - so he says. Still new camera is brilliant. I shall do him steak for tea more often. Also I shall give him a good blow job with the hair dryer again I shall.

Also I said to him, 'they have Turkey in the Co-op'. He said 'no my little pumpkin- they have the co-op in Turkey'. Different thing all together. Well who knew?

The things going on in the world is a bit shite at the moment me ol' babbers so keep smiling and keep loving each other. Don't be bickering over stupid things. As mines Mr Husband says 'Don't sweat the petty stuff and never pet the sweaty stuff'. He be a wise ol' git.

Bum Feeling, Piri Piri Rubbing and Small Balls

Are ye all ready for a week at Beth's again?? Brace yourself Sheila as they say in outback.

Sunday : Mines Mr Husband took me in the Co-op- t'was an experience for me I tell ye and a new experience for them. Then he took me in the Country Park at bottom of our road. 'Ye don't have to lower ye voice and go down on all fours when we are in the county park just to photograph a plastic bag' said Mines Mr husband. 'It can hear or see ye and it won't run away'. (Well how does he know what I am down on all fours for??) Anyways like I says to him- 'If I don't do that and get the feckin photograph how the feck do I know its a plastic bag??' Duh. Anyways this plastic bag is quite nice- it even got eyes and a beak.

Monday: Mine's Mr Husband was bemoaning the fact it's steak and BJ day and he has had neither. 'Feckin stop yer moaning' I tells him. 'Ye had beef Bolognese for ye tea and if ye want the other I have left hair dryer plugged in on your side of the bed'. He gone to his own room whining now. Told him not to put hair dryer on hottest setting. Numpty.

Tuesday :'Get ready to go to the hospital please pumpkin' asked Mines Mr Husband today. 'I am ready' I told him. He said 'No, get dressed- I told ye before Dr wants to look at ye lump in yer neck'. I still protested. 'Tis nipply noodles out there, get dressed', he said all masterfully. Well how could I not resist. Tis true I need to keep mines extremities warm because I have thyroid thingy. So I am ready to go- I have four items of clothing - Slippers, Mittens, Nipple tassles and me bobble hat. Mines Mr Husband is sighing and tutting. But I won't be swayed- tis what I am wearing today!

When we done the hospital thing and after the nipple twirling and boobie jiggling the Dr decided it was just a naughty nymph node playing up we went to Dawlish to take photos of the baby cygnets. Mines Mr Husband took 300 and I only managed to get a few because I was hampered by a weird woman who wanted to give me her life story- from the school she attended first and then second to how she end up with Dippy Duncan and a sick parrot. Then without warning she thrust her backside sideways at me to tell me how hot her bum was. Well that was awkward! I didn't really know what the socially acceptable thing with other woman's bums being thrust in your face was. Did she want me to feel how hot it was?? What?? I don't know. What are you supposed to do? Feel it? Just Rub it. I didn't know. So I slapped it and sent her on her way. She had already noted that Mines Mr Husband would probably have a good stack of photos. I said 'so the feck would I if I weren't been feckin pestered by a arse thrusting weirdo'.

Wednesday : Mines Mr Husband gave me a sachet of Piri Piri Rub. 'What this for?' I ask. 'Tis to rub on yer Piri Piri' he said. 'Mmm, Don't like the sound of that' I says, 'sounds foreign to me- ye best rub it on ye own Piri Piri'. He spent all evening in the bathroom with a bag of frozen blackberries on his Piri Piri.

Friday: I bet ye was all thinking 'Mad Beth with the grip like a bulldog clip (as seen on national TV) be quiet'. Well mines Mr Husband is on nights so I have to be quiet or else I shall waken him. Anyways he be awake now. I been out in kitchen making truffles. Was going ok until I got to the bit that says 'Roll mixture into small balls'. I had to look around for some small balls- luckily mines Mr Husband was just passing the kitchen, although I had to feckin chase him all over the feckin house. He havin a bath now and is a huffin and a puffin and furthermore, not only but also, we have no truffles!

And before ye say -'ye missed out Thursday', I did. Ye can't expect me to have fun everyday!!!