Dicks, Pickles and Road Kill

I could be making ye all a video to say the Happy New Year thing but I not be very good at that. So first of all did ye have a good xmas?

Mines Mr Husband bought me a dick thingy for christmas for me to talk to at night. If I wakes up in the night I can talk to it. I can tell it to remind me to get pickle or a toilet brush or whatever. Then its supposed to talk back to me. And type on my computer. I haven't figured that out yet. Also when he is at work and I am lonely I can do it too.

I was going to get Mines Mr Husband a present from the side of the road on the way to me sisters. They have better deaded things out there. He didn't want them. Then we managed to kill one ourselves. Well not strictly true- the man in front did but it attached itself to my pea because it wanted to come home with us. Sadly when we got home there was only a feather left. I told Mines Mr Husband to get it whilst it was still fresh. But oh no not him. Fussy arse. And it has broken my pea underneath all for nothing. Still got him a nice left training shoe and a pink cardigan. (It will wash).

I could let facebook sort out the past year highlights but last year it picked up the highlight of my year was wearing me knickers inside out and back to front.  I got in that pickle cos I don't wear them often to be honest.

I like to think about what I learned. I am not too old to learn. I learned if ye are patient ye can photograph the woodpecker and the kingfisher. But not together. Why not? I hear ye ask- because they are in different places I tell ye.

I learned that the lochness monster DOES exist- I seen the ripples in the loch where he had just come to see me. I learned that Dolphins, Cows with fringes, Eagles and Dolphins and Otters are a myth in Scotland and that Scotsmen are coy about letting you look up their skirts. I also learned it its raining in Scotland and Yorkshire ye see feck all! I also learned that their water falls are right slippery. I learned that the hard way.

I learned it is not just Tesco who chuck you out for doing the naked wrecking ball routine. All supermarkets seem to have this ridiculous policy. I also learned all the police stations in the area of pictures of me naked. Perverts.

I learned if ye finds a bag of doughnuts under a bush they are probably still good to eat and saves ye a fortune.

I learned some people will always be fucknuggets and others cockmuppets. Some will always be misery arses and some will always be control freaks. They take offence at the slightest thing, they make things up in their heads and tell others you are hurting them when you haven't even said anything. But that's ok- they still got things to learn. I just hope they do it somewhere else next year.

Best of all I learned the Angels, when pestered enough, make things happens for you and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had to turn the fecker on meself mind you and then the angels did the rest. All will be ok. Do you hear me? ALL will be ok. Unless the end of the world comes again tonight. Then we are all fecked.

Next year I hope to go to Japan- tis quiet and clean and neighbours respect each other. Sounds good to me. Alas Mr Husband will not be able to come there- he likes to fart in public and they don't be liking that in Japan.

So Happy New Year to ye all. And don't forget to get me new book!!!!

Steak and Blow Job Please

Are ye all wondering what I been up to this week. Week and a half I tell ye. This is what t'was like in our little corner of the world.:

 MONDAY I sent mines Mr Husband to the garden on a mission to find something nice for tea. He came back with two fuchsias and a dahlia bulb. 'No, go back and find something edible'. We do grow a bit of our own now. Well tomatoes and potatoes. Not that we have any tomatoes yet. The next thing I hear is him shouting- 'I have a big one, I have a big one'. Well ye can't be wasting opportunities at our times in life so I stripped off there and then and ran into the garden. I thought 'I bet he be stroking me clematis again'. When I got there he was holding up a potato. 'See, I got a big one' he repeated. 'Why are ye naked fruitcake?'. Some days the emotional mix of excitement and disappointment can be too much in this yer house I tells ye.

TUESDAY: Oh yay- excited much more than having triplets. Mines Mr Husband is letting me take my new doofer Hoover on holiday so I can glide from hotel to hotel. This is going to be a fandabdoozy holiday.

WEDNESDAY AM -Bedtime was a waste of time. I watched the sun go down. I watched it get back up. I was out at 5am (I know- too feckin early), in me nothings (well I had me orgasm socks on). I was out there in me garden boiling slugs. Cos that's how I roll. Now I want to go to sleep but I can't because we are taking the Jag to the Jag hospital for a new ouse and new hose. It has a temperature and a runny nose. Tis very poorly. Me, Elvis and the Pea have to follow Mr Husband to Taunton. He will be driving at 67mph and I will want to do slightly more (I won't say how much more in case the policemans are listening). But no fear I shall stay behind Mr Husband or I will get lost. I don't like following him. I tells him 'I am a leader me ol 'cocker, a leader not a follower. I likes to do me own thing I do'. I don't mind getting a bit lost cos that be when ye discover exciting things and places. True. But then I can't be getting lost when I supposed to following Mines Mr Husband or the poor divil will have to walk thousands of miles back home. And he got wonky feet already.  So I will follow him to the garage. Good girl that I be. Then I am going to me muvvers and favvers to cut their hair. Wish them luck- cos it be well known I ain't no hairdresser.

WEDNESDAY PM was an exceptionally long day given I never had any sleep the last night.  We took the car to the Jag hospital and paid a HUGE bill for it to be made better. Then they gived us a list as long as yer arm with things gone to pot and needs doing and another massive quote that is going to cost more than the car is worth. Heartbroken we are. I drived my little pea - well ye can't expect Mr Husband to walk for miles and miles. I am kind like that- I gived him a lift. On the way home I puts me toe down (Elvis told me to) and got in the outside lane. Tis true I drives a bit sharper than Mr Husband but I have always been nifty with an accelerator. I always wear a bra when driving so me nipples don't become jammed under the pedals. (Plus Mines Mr Husband worries than van drivers will be gawping down me blouse at me rather ample bosom if I don't wrap them up. I keeps all me bits wrapped up I do when I am driving.  'Go faster Way O' Down' Elvis cried. So I did. The faster I drived the louder Elvis singed.  Mr Husband said 'I was doing 190 to keep up with ye -ye was going to fast'. I said 'What ye on about - my thingy clock said 65 and ye shouldn't be doing such speeds- tis against the law' - he thinks I am telling porkies. Then Elvis suggested we look for a pokerman- something about in a viva in  Las Vegatables. Makes ye drive a bit erratic so it does. A couple of times we had to take short cuts. Not good on the motorway but alleviates the boredom. Me and Elvis was singing so loud and having such a good time we didn't hear any sirens or see any carnage. Or any pokermans. I had a good time anyways. Also mines muvver and favver are sporting new hair doos.

THURDSAY Mr Husband said 'Pumpkin'- (he calls me that as a term of endearment- not because I am pumpkin shaped- well that's what he says), 'Pumpkin' he says- 'do ye know what day tis?'. I thought 'eh up- a trick question'. He knows full well I get confussed over days sometimes. But not as often as mines little sister- she is always day confussed. I had a quick glance at the calendar. 'Mmm tis Thursday I think'- I says. 'NO' he says 'think harder'. I looked at the calendar again. Tis hard to work out when Elvis is staring seductively at ye. 'Friday' I says a bit more confidently.

Again he said no. In the end, by the time I got to Thursday again  I says 'Oh for feck sake, seems like some days must be missing off this calendar. Elvis still winking at me, making me think naughty thoughts. Tis true I was getting distracted at this point. Then suddenly he says (mines Mr Husband not Elvis) 'Tis steak and BJ day'. Well I be buggered. I thought we had already had that day twice this year. 'Well' I said 'Bis had that me ol' cocker we have no steak'. Then would you Adam and Eve it- He produced two lamb steaks- that to be honest passed for beef when they was on the plate. And usually Steak and BJ day we only have a bit o' sausage. We don't push the boat out. Anyways I let him cook it. I was too tired. Spent all day running naked through a field of daisies yesterday. Well that's by the by. Then after the steak I went upstairs to find him lying naked on MY bed. MY bed. He said 'ye knows what I wants now pumpkin- I wants me Blow Job'. I said 'fair enough'. Anyways I had the hair dryer too high a setting and now he is suffering with burns. Some really nice people here at the hospital. He won't ask for that again in a hurry I don't expect.

FRIDAY- we had the agent come to do her inspection. She walked in with a camera and informed us she would be taking pictures to prove she had been here. 'Do ye want us naked?' I asked her- immediately stripping. She seemed very worried especially when mines Mr Husband asked if she wanted a selfie with him and did she want one in every room. I asked her if she still wanted us naked. She said she didn't need to stay long at all and didn't even need to go upstairs. (Good job-thats where I grows me drugs and keeps all the illegal immigrants). She wanted out quick yesterday. Good job I had rope and gaffer tape to hand me thinks.

After wards, staying with the camera theme Mines Mr Husband took me in Currys- (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame) to buy a mop. But he treated me to a new camera for me holiday for me birfday. Tis true tis not until September but I am impatient. Also I wanted birfday cake but I have to wait for that - so he says. Still new camera is brilliant. I shall do him steak for tea more often. Also I shall give him a good blow job with the hair dryer again I shall.

Also I said to him, 'they have Turkey in the Co-op'. He said 'no my little pumpkin- they have the co-op in Turkey'. Different thing all together. Well who knew?

The things going on in the world is a bit shite at the moment me ol' babbers so keep smiling and keep loving each other. Don't be bickering over stupid things. As mines Mr Husband says 'Don't sweat the petty stuff and never pet the sweaty stuff'. He be a wise ol' git.

Muff Buff, Piles and Moles

Uh oh. Big Pearl hears about Dirtie Gerties singed Minge. She was disgusted. Anyways she says to me 'since the muff buff I discovered I have a mole down there'- she whispered this bit. Oooo-er missus. She wanted me to have a look!! I am not a mole expert. Anyways I had a quick look- not that I intent to make a habit of it ye understand looking at muffs moles. Turns out it weren't a mole at all. Was a Hamster! Think she sat on it again! #awkward.

On the plus side today I am taking the risk of losing my parking space and taking the pea for a run to spend times with mines little sister- (the one with the issues and the day confusion, accidental blue hair and the constipation and part time camel toe - by her own admission- I won't mention her piles cos she is sensitive about it).

Lost, Oddballs and Crablegs

I bet ye all wondering 'where is Bulldog clip Beth' (as seen on national tv) ? Well I will tell ye. I got a little green car now called 'The Pea' . I had a little trip out in the pea. I call it the pea cos when it be parked over road between the 4year old white van man and the 5year old white van man (he must be older cos he got a bigger van) my little car looks like a little pea in a sandwich. Anyways I went to seaside in Pea. I was worried in case I couldn't find my way home again. Mines Mr Husband said 'just ask someone pickle for directions home'. So I had a nice day walking along the beachy thingy and chatting to seagulls and oddballs. Collected a few shells, a pebble or two and a crabs leg. Then it was time to come home. I looked around the car park for someone to ask directions. I found an old person and his wife. I thought 'I bet he been about a bit, round the block a few times, so I will ask him'. So I went up to him and asked three times no less cos as it turned out his hearing aid was turned off 'do ye know the way home??' He said he did. So I said 'I will follow you then'. He nodded. So that it is what I did. I didn't think mines Mr Husbands suggestion would work but here I be. I followed the old person home. I must say tis good of them to make me a cucumber sandwich and a cuppa tea. And if you ask me there decor needs a bit of titivating- its a bit old peopleish. And if I am completely honest smells a bit of wee. They need ones of thems apricot and champagne flavour candles. But mines Mr Husband wouldn't let me buy one because he says it left my lips with a waxy feel.  Anyways I have no feckin idea how to get to mines skinny bitch house from here- I hope mines Mr Husband has managed to find something for his tea!!