May Poles, Nudity and Goolies

May Day for dancing round Maypoles naked. Don't have one, so going to hang stuff on the whirlygig thingamajig in the garden and dance naked round that instead.

'After we have danced round the maypole - erm washing line whirlygig thingmajig, naked what shall we do on this cold, wet, windy day my little fruit cake?' mines Mr Husband said. I was just excited at the word cake. So I bought one. 'Lets run naked along the sea wall in Exmuff' I said- he knows I loves to do this. 'Erm- lets not' he said. 'It be far too chilly for that- tis a bit nipply noodles out and it be blowing a goolie or two'. Anyways I persuaded him to take me up the Muff just the same and up the Oracle. He has no shame - he will take me anywhere that man. I ran naked along the cliff tops sending all kinds of peoples and pets into frenzies and one or two got black eyes. Tis very busy up there on a Bank Holiday. Couple of cows looked a bit surprised as well. Anyways I had a roll round in the grass to get some perfect cliff top pictures and now I have grass stains in places I can't be showing me mother. Mines Mr Husband went dressed for hiking up a snowy mountain in the arctic. He was still shivering. It be because he very old and I forgot to take his tarten blankie. Poor Soul. I had to bring him home and thaw him out. He be having a nice warm on the sofa with a cup of something to warm his cockles. I be fine I be. I do like to feel the wind racing through me hair. Me own fault I forgot to shave. Try to remember next time.

Lots of Pussies and winking at me tits

Well T'was a busy weekend this weekend preparing for our first proper visitor to the new house, mines step son. I was very busy I tell ye- so busy going round this house cleaning up I left smoke trails off me slippers. Then Finally when I went to bed I was able to relax and treat the new neighbours to a touch of one of me 'sing along with Beth and Elvis at Bedtime' nights. Also found this useful to work me arthritic hips out to. Early this morning I looked out yonder bedroom window to see many pussies gathered in the street out under our yonder window. Mines Mr Husband thinks this is due to the 'sing along with Beth and Elvis at Bedtime' night. The Neighbours didn't seem to keen on the idea- not the sing along it seems but the nude dancing. I argued with ye fella from three streets away- 'I am not nude- I have me bed socks and me solo beats on'. That be the only items needed for these 'sing along with Beth and Elvis at Bedtime' Nights. And don't ye know that music therapy is good for dementia sufferers- and I said to mines Mr Husband 'I will sing to ye- it be good therapy for ye dementia'. He denies he suffers with ye old dementia but he keeps saying 'we must go doctors about the dementia'. Well it ain't for me....'oooooh look a shiny thingy'.

Also this week mines Mr Husband has banned me from going to the chippy on me new exercise bike ever since I was fined for speeding. Also I am not allowed to jog because it is high impact and that is bad for arthritis in the hips and spine. The exception is being chased by the rapist or if the chippy is about to shut. Legit reasons.

Mines Mr Husbands son arrived duly and smells quite nice. I have notice young mans do smell nice quite often. I like the smell of young mans so much I am considering trading in mines Mr Husband for a nice smelling young mans.

We had a nice afternoon last week in the bush and I showed mines Mr Husband mine boobies. He said something about getting bare. At once I was stripped. He said 'What the feck are ye doing?' I was confused. 'Ye said to get naked' I told him. Apparently he didn't- or so he says. He reckons he said ' And don't be starting on about looking for ye bear down here in ye old bush today'. I was sure he said 'get bare and show me ye old boobies and bush'.

The pussy of her next door has been sprawled out all over my lawn this afternoon winking at mines tits and mines Mr Husband. I shall be keeping a close watch on that pussy I shall.

It be wet and windy round here today but I shall blame the liquorice and the peas.

Well I be off for a jog now again. Well a gentle stroll around ye old garden to the garage to sort the tumbled washing out.

Fireman, Knickers and Naked Cycling.............

Excelling myself today. Did me exercises and then went for a jog (well a gentle stroll around the estate). I see the skinny bitches out jogging. I growled at them. I shall be fair glad when they put that chip shop in at top of road. I shall be able to get me fish n' chips whilst out on me jog. Also I been Clearing dressing room through and mines Mr Husbands bedroom for our first visitor next week (the postman and the handyman don't count because they didn't stop long enough to sleep). He said 'mines son is coming to visit next week'. Be jeepers I thought. Where will he sleep? 'Where will he sleep?' I asked Mines Mr Husband. He looked thoughtfully whilst I added 'He can't be sleeping with me, he shall have to be sleeping with thee'. Mines Mr Husband very practically said 'Well he can sleep in my room- I shall just have to sleep in your bed with you my little fruitcake'. Hmmm- this didn't take much thinking bout. I told him 'Well if that be me choice he better sleep in with me after all'. Not much feckin choices offered now we have a smaller house. Also this week Mines Mr Husband has ordered me an exercise bike so I can practice for these naked cycle rides. That has arrived today- just after I been for me jog an all (well gentle stroll round the block)-but after reading about Sir David Frosts son dropping dead at the tender age of 31 whilst jogging I have decided to knock that exercise lark on the head. I know I am only 21 and a bit but even so- don't want to put meself in danger unnecessarily. Also the fireman put a bag through my door asking for me old knickers. What are knickers I ask them and what ye be wanting with mine? Dodgy if ye ask me. I pointed them in the direction of Ebay. Ye can get old drawers on there if ye perverted enuf. Invited them to do a demonstration with thee old hose but they declined saying they had hot stuff to attend to. I told 'em, 'I be hot stuff ye know and me old man be out'. Off like a shot they was. Still I tried!

I am still here! Wet Knickers, Bubble wrap and Tape

The little girl in the white cotton frock has survived another night and another day to tell another tale. It's not easy being her. Tonight though she is someone else. Someone a bit brighter. So this is what the last few days adventures have been:

Saturday Night -

7.15 pm -The excitement when a car stops in the lay by and you think you got visitors. Then they go to pull off. I am getting really good now at stopping cars from pulling away. So Yay- I have visitors. When I remove the tape from their mouths I will ask them their names.

7.30pm -As luck would have it a break down truck pulled up in lay by too. He didn't know all the uses for a tow rope. They all seem to be having fun trying to get free and I am showing them baby pics of the kids. Such fun. Keep bail money on stand by. Last time it didn't end so well.

10pm (at the police station) -Oh so it's called kidnap is it. Well there you go. That's put the mockers on that then. Didn't like them anyway. Needs bail money.

Sunday morning at 3am: (back home) The tv remote control has spiralled out of control. Had to pull the plug out of the TV. What I say is thank feck for Solo beats and Elvis Presley. Make the most of loud singing before we move to the new house. It won't be as soundproof as this one. Singing won't be the only thing we will have to be quiet with either. Mines mister will have to fart bit quieter an all.

Sunday morning at 4am: I don't know what the man from down the road wanted. Something about making a noise. I told him straight - it's 4 in the morning- haven't you got better things to do than pester women who trying to sing along to Elvis. You oughta be sleeping not banging on my door making a noise. Fair to say he went off with a flea in his ear.

Tuesday Morning:

When you are poorly sometimes you have to stay in bed. You wear your pyjamas or nothing at all if this is your preference. When you are poorly sometimes you have to go to the doctors. I do not see what is wrong with wearing your pyjamas or nothing at all if that is your preference. I just can't see what the fuss was about. I had me socks on I did.

Tuesday Evening:

Its all excitement here. 1000mm of bubble wrap arrived. Poor delivery man thought I was a loony. Mines Mr Husband has locked the front door- he has gone to work. This has a two fold purpose - keeps me from escaping (it is ok mines friends- I have chocolate) and stops me from kidnapping people to talk to. However, it buggers up deliveries muchly. But then Yodel do say they will deliver after seven but I have never know them to before- or in the day even! I called through the letter box for him to leave it on the doorstep. He wouldn't. Then I ran though the house and out in the garden and waved to his mate from the gate. Then I ran back in the house and back to the front to wave to the man at the door. Then I ran up the stairs and along the landing to the bedroom to search for a door key. Back down the stairs and through the living room to the front door. I opened the door and told him I was sooo sorry, waved to his mate in the van and then thought ooooh the man that was delivering the bubble wrap was enough to bring the wet knicker brigade out in full force. So as I grabbed the luscious bubble wrap and I grabbed the delivery man and waved his friend off. The delivery man is now parcel taped to the chair behind the bubble wrap whilst I get me breath back and take some pain killers - then we are going to have some fun with the bubble wrap. I Have locked the door and hidden the key. It is going to be a fun night.x

Yay Cake, Nudity and Jam

Sooo Excited my little facebook friends. MMH has suggested I join the WI in the village to keep me outta trouble. Cheeky feckin eejit I said. Join the Whimple Idiots yourself. He laughed. 'Noo My little pickled pumpkin- I mean the Women's Institute. It would give you something to do and keep ya outta trouble'. I thought about it for a couple of seconds- because that's how I roll. Very thoughtful person I am- never let it be said that I don't do thinking. I have been known to do this for as much as five seco- ooh look a shiny doodah. Where was I? Oh Yes. 'Are ye saying I should be institutionalised?' (phew that was hard to spell-TF for spell checker). 'Of course not- Its a little group of likeminded women who gather a couple of times a week or a month or whatever'. I thought again for a few seconds. 'Well, what do they have in common exactly?' I asked. This time he had to think- not an easy task for one who usually has all the answers. 'Well' he said - 'they have cake and jam'. Cake and Jam. Cake and Jam? Could I be hearing this correctly?? Cake and Jam? I have to say it was beginning to sound like my kind of group. 'Google it my little fruit'. So I did. Without hesitation. I found a picture about them. Naked woman with big buns and cherries. That was all I needed. Cakes, Buns, Jam and Naked. I have signed up and I am joining. First time mines Mr Husband has had a good idea in ages. I wonder if they are ready for me!