Diary of
another week at Beths.
Tuesday : Mine's
Mr Husband and I opened Frank and had a discussion. He thinks it would be
helpful if I had a little job to keep him in the manner to which he has become
accustomed, mine's Mr Husband not Frank. Who the feck is Frank anyway? Tomorrow
I am off to building site at end of road to offer my services. Also I can work
for them as an odd carrier. I can carry bricks on me mobility walker as long as
they don't want me to walk the plank it will be ok.
Monday: Well
ye all knows I be having trouble with me lump. I been to the Masochist- technical
term Neck lump Doctor come radiowhatsit doctor. I stripped off soon as I got in
the waiting room. There was poorly peoples laying in the corridors (on beds- we
not that bad here yet!). I gave them all a little poke as I walked by. Lots of
moans, squeals and a couple screams. The peoples on the beds did too. The old
man in the wheelchair- never moved a muscle. Think he was dead. Edna in the
wheelchair who has just had her 196th birthday didn't move much too. 'How do ye
know Edna just had her 196th birthday?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. She had
a party popper still in her mouth and was blowing on it. I took it out. I was
fearful of her disturbing the sick. Anyways according to the doctor, and they
usually know these things, t'was not a party popper. T'was her oxygen. After
that I didn't hear make a sound but then she didn't have her hearing aids in
either so I wouldn't have. Anyways the doctor
(the radiothingymajig doctor) asked me why I was stripped off. I said
'feel my lumps'. He said put your clothes on. He was a miserable fecker. Even
jiggling the boobies didn't make him smile. Although he has agreed with me and
mines husband and mines dentist and mines doctor tis a lump. Tis just a
nymphnode he thinks. I put mines clothes back on when I came outside- t'was
very nipply noodles out there.
Also on Wednesday
I realised Ben Fogle- likes to spend time with people in far away hidden
places. 'He can come and live with me in my far away hidden place anytime' I
says to Mines Mr Husband. He said 'We don't live in a far away hidden place'.
Like I tells him- 'then I will find somewhere, somewhere hot where Ben has to
keep stripping- and whats all this 'WE' Mines Mr Husband? you not invited'. He
gone to his shed now. Sad really cos he don't have a shed!
Thursday :
Well ye all knows I get quite excited on National Sausage day (and I do like a
good quality sausage!) but today is National Packed Lunch Day- (basically same
as National Sausage Day in my book). So I am off out to assess Packed Lunches
in and around Devon. I may have the urge to
handle one or two so I could end up needing bail money- (aw come on guys- I
haven't asked ye for any for ages because I have been kinda of quite well
behaved). Roll on National Orgasm Day- it came too early for me to take part
last year!
Well go
me! I don't do driving much these days but if mines little sister (the one with
the issues and the day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part
time camel toe - by her own admission) can, then I can do it too. Mines
wonderful father bought me a little pea green car to get out and about. I loves
it cos it got a tray under the seat to hide cake and scooby snacks. I be well
made up. So I had a little trip to Ottery (mainly cos I knows me way back from
there with a good degree of certaintity). I wanted the other traffic to be
aware of me so I drove down the middle of the road. Few cars are ditched but
hey ho- such is life. Mine is ok. I walked proudly round Ottery telling
everyone 'I drove yer by meself- no help or nuffin'. I got three smiley good
girl badges and a tube of smarties. I checked packed lunches (see early status-
oh do keep up!!). I forget it was pension day and all they have are cocktail
sausages (like the one mines other sister cooks) and shrivelled grapes. Then I
spotted two work men. I thought brilliant- they always have good lunchboxes.
They thought I wanted to get past. I said 'no, just checking your lunchboxes'.
They seemed ok with it. Then I said I needed to have a closer inspection. You
would think they understood all about close inspections. It threw them. So
would like to apologise to the one that fell in the wheelie bin and the one the
fell off the curb. Hope you feel better soon- and by the way- I should sue that
driver of that white van- he oughta be more careful and look where hims going.
I also
been a walk to the post box. All this exercise is bad for me I be sure of it.
Well blow me I have witnessed extreme bush trimming in action. All the tits are
in disarray! On the plus side I got chance to check out some more lunch boxes.
Nasty cut that bush trimming man ended up with- he should be more in control of
his equipment is all I can say. Think I need a lie down now.
Sunday: Don't
know what the matter is with mines Mr Husband. We had a lovely trip out to Dorset to see mines sister the other day. I seen lots of
things I could get him for fathers day. I found not one, not two but three dead
badgers. A dead fox. A dead pheasant. A dead rabbit and a dead sandbag! Did he
want them? No he feckin too fussy by half. I told him he ungrateful. Its the
thought that counts..
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