Matching Balls and Naked Snowboarding

'Twas lovely of mines osteopaff to put mines intereverterbrates back in in mines back but I sure is bruised. It feckin hurts. So mines Mr Husband said to sit with the frozen peas again. That guys is why I am writing this from the second drawer down (or up if ye are laying down) in the freezer.

 Saturdays: We been watching the Olympics. Me favourite is the going on the slide on a red tea tray. And the snowboards. Tis my opinion the Olympics would be better if they all did it naked. I said to mines Mr Husband 'we could do that Snowboarding. We could do it naked. We could go up the Co-op, have a drop of Jack Daniels (for courage) and then you could slap some butter (or margarine cos its cheaper) on the handrails down the steps and we could practice. I have it all planned out and then next time the Olympics is on we could apply'. Then he said 'Ye can't do that with yer arfritic hips me little fruitcake and don't be forgetting that I got dodgy knees. We have to find something gentler at our time in life' . I knew that fecker would piss on me chips. I am going to suggest the knobbly skiing later cos he likes that. If he still refuses I am deffo putting our names down for the naked cruising of the coast of  Devon later this year. Deffo!

 Thursday: Don't do today what you can tomorrow. Don't put it off or whatever. You could be dead. Or someone else could be. Thats a hot top tit. Also talking of hot tits if you see someone with their head on fire- take no chances they are having a stroke and the advice is to either move away or call 999. I told mines Mr Husband if he sees me with head on fire he can let me die. Don't go mithering the ambulance people. They are busy and for real emergencies. He said 'I wouldn't let you die cos I love you'. I said 'well I will let you die'. He said that that was fair enough if that case then. I already had a mini stroke and he didn't see if me head was on fire or not. He wasn't yer was he. But I did say to him to check first- it might not be me having a stroke- no it might be cos I have had me hat too tight and me head just got too warm.

 Wednesday:  From me fan mail: 'Dear Aunty Beth- How do you keep looking so young?' Love Doris. Bet thats her over back yer with the cotton candy striped sheets from way back when. (I seed them on her line the other week having their yearly wash). Anyways  Good Question Doris. I will tell ye- cream. Plenty of creaming of the face I tell ye. Ye haves to have a lot of cakes- with cream in middle and on top - takes a lot of cake cream to stay looking so young! Simples. Or ye can buy it in a jar but tisn't so much fun. Have a nice day Doris. (P.S- I sees you picking yer nose every morning- don't forget to wave to me when you gets to the bridge!)

 Monday : I have watched a thingymajig about the best wellies to wear. The best hot top tit they had was that Kids wellies should be worn for short periods of time only. I think this is great advice because I really struggle to get kids wellies on! Murder to walk in! Also probably when I find Mines Mr Husband wellies at the road side I should try to find two the same size because he really moans about how uncomfortable they are and tis important wellies are comfortable! He will be well chuffed at me if I make a greater effort for him I am sure.

I also keeps seeing on the telly that if you got three matching balls ye are likely to get a prize. Also, not mentioned, lots of notoriety because ye should have only two balls! Please, if ye haves three matching balls ring me first.

And finally mines bestie has asked when I am going to write a new book- all I can say guys- is watch this space but meanwhile you can still get mines other two on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/SO-THIS-HEAVEN-Elvis-Facebook-ebook/dp/B01N2SHA9M/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1518345117&sr=8-2&keywords=elisabeth+lucas

Swinging Nuts, Orange Socks and Party Poppers

It all happens down by yer so it does!

WEDNESDAY:I bet ye all wondering how the electric man got on ain't ye? He was late for starters. When he comed I was impatient. I opened the door and said 'Eelectric man?'- he had EON on his shirt. He said 'No'. I said 'Have ye brought cake and cookies like it says on me door?'- I pointed the notice out cos these peoples aren't always observant. He said 'No- I come to mend the boiler'. I told him if he hadn't brought cake or cookies I didn't know to let him in or not. He said 'look missus I am a supervisor'. I thought 'ooo-er a supervisor' so I grabbed him by the time and dragged him up me hole'. Then he ran back saying he had to lock the van. He came back willingly. Then he was only yer an hour- he has all his equipment out all over me floor and then he said he had to go cos one of his nuts was sheared off. I don't know if he will come back and finish the job. I bet he will send someone else. The same one never comes twice here. Curious indeedy.

SATURDAY: Hers across the road, the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one with the integrated bike rack, well let me tell yous she is having a baby shower today. I think it means either she is having a baby: or she is having a shower of babies: or he is hosing her down in the yard- but to tell ye the truth these houses are only for skinny bitches and the showers nion impossible to get into without taking the doors off so he often hoses her down in the yard. To be fair she hoses him down as well.  Sometimes they takes them clothes off. Anyways I am put out they didn't consult me about this baby business. I don't want no more screamy brats in this street- no siree. And ye knows what happens when thems womens haves babies- they lets thems bushes go to wrack and ruin. T'wil be a sight for sore eyes outside this winder. And I guess this means all sorts of carrys on been going on in that house of late. I noticed they been going to bed early. I notice stuff like that.  There are lots of cars in the street today and lots of unknown peoples. I have made a few friends. I told them all I have new knickers. Mines Mr Husband said 'ye din't need to tell everybody'- but I am so pleased with me purchase I want to shout it from the roof top! If any of ye wants to see me knickers I can post a picture!!

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband came in and said 'I have caught a bug'. Caught a bug! 'Oh, ye dirty fecker I hope ye let it go again- or did ye put it in a jar?- Ye should let the bugs fly free don't ye know?'. He looked at me like I didn't know what he was saying. 'No, I caught a bug' he said again- 'I caught a stomach bug'. Well I tell ye I moved away sharpish. 'For feck's sake man- ye can keep that- and don't get near me with that fecker'. He looked a bit sad but I didn't care ' I have to work' he said. 'what can ye give me for the bug- can ye give me anything for me bug?' he asked. I said 'I can indeedy - I can give thee a cork'. So I did (with instructions accordingly). Well, T'was a party popper. I thought it would be much more fun. I don't think he noticed. Not yet anyways!

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband was in a rebellious mood last night. He went to work wearing nothing but his orange socks with the smiley face on. It caused quite a stir I can tell thee. Uproar. 'What's wrong with that?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. He ain't supposed to wear orange socks to work! Also the smiley face is a definite no no-(the Big Fat Git who steals peoples promotions from under thems noses says so!). Feckin misery arses if you ask me!

WEDNESDAY PM:

Whenever I walk into the Dr's it's always the same. Take a seat Mrs Lucas- not next to the fish tank; and not in the children's play area; and don't sit at a table and order an all day breakfast. 'I won't' I said - 'that feckin menu is shite- last time I was in all you had on it was nicotine patches, flu injections and bereavement counselling'. 'Please Mrs Lucas, just take a seat'. Sounded a bit tetchy if ye ask me. I did like I was told and took a seat. I took it and sat in the corridor outside Dr Angry Jones room. She has a welsh name. She speaks English. The reception woman said 'you can sit here in the waiting room next to Mr Worth'. I said 'No fanks- he smells of rich tea biscuits and wee'. Anyways Dr Jones said my bloods weren't too good and now I have to see the rumour whatsit thingy doctor up the RDE place. I am not sure about that place. They carried out the wrong procedure on the wrong person the other day. It could be dangerous to go there it could!!

MONDAY: I just read that half of all women in the workplace are sexually harrassed. Jeez I must get me a job!

TUESDAY: One of those 'oh no not again' moments when you look out the window and see one of your mister husbands fat balls swinging all alone and then along comes two fat birds who start fighting over it! Then you have to go out and shoo them off. This is what my life is like somedays! Fat balls and fat birds and sheared off nuts- not to mention twisted drawers!

Bum Feeling, Piri Piri Rubbing and Small Balls

Are ye all ready for a week at Beth's again?? Brace yourself Sheila as they say in outback.

Sunday : Mines Mr Husband took me in the Co-op- t'was an experience for me I tell ye and a new experience for them. Then he took me in the Country Park at bottom of our road. 'Ye don't have to lower ye voice and go down on all fours when we are in the county park just to photograph a plastic bag' said Mines Mr husband. 'It can hear or see ye and it won't run away'. (Well how does he know what I am down on all fours for??) Anyways like I says to him- 'If I don't do that and get the feckin photograph how the feck do I know its a plastic bag??' Duh. Anyways this plastic bag is quite nice- it even got eyes and a beak.

Monday: Mine's Mr Husband was bemoaning the fact it's steak and BJ day and he has had neither. 'Feckin stop yer moaning' I tells him. 'Ye had beef Bolognese for ye tea and if ye want the other I have left hair dryer plugged in on your side of the bed'. He gone to his own room whining now. Told him not to put hair dryer on hottest setting. Numpty.

Tuesday :'Get ready to go to the hospital please pumpkin' asked Mines Mr Husband today. 'I am ready' I told him. He said 'No, get dressed- I told ye before Dr wants to look at ye lump in yer neck'. I still protested. 'Tis nipply noodles out there, get dressed', he said all masterfully. Well how could I not resist. Tis true I need to keep mines extremities warm because I have thyroid thingy. So I am ready to go- I have four items of clothing - Slippers, Mittens, Nipple tassles and me bobble hat. Mines Mr Husband is sighing and tutting. But I won't be swayed- tis what I am wearing today!

When we done the hospital thing and after the nipple twirling and boobie jiggling the Dr decided it was just a naughty nymph node playing up we went to Dawlish to take photos of the baby cygnets. Mines Mr Husband took 300 and I only managed to get a few because I was hampered by a weird woman who wanted to give me her life story- from the school she attended first and then second to how she end up with Dippy Duncan and a sick parrot. Then without warning she thrust her backside sideways at me to tell me how hot her bum was. Well that was awkward! I didn't really know what the socially acceptable thing with other woman's bums being thrust in your face was. Did she want me to feel how hot it was?? What?? I don't know. What are you supposed to do? Feel it? Just Rub it. I didn't know. So I slapped it and sent her on her way. She had already noted that Mines Mr Husband would probably have a good stack of photos. I said 'so the feck would I if I weren't been feckin pestered by a arse thrusting weirdo'.

Wednesday : Mines Mr Husband gave me a sachet of Piri Piri Rub. 'What this for?' I ask. 'Tis to rub on yer Piri Piri' he said. 'Mmm, Don't like the sound of that' I says, 'sounds foreign to me- ye best rub it on ye own Piri Piri'. He spent all evening in the bathroom with a bag of frozen blackberries on his Piri Piri.

Friday: I bet ye was all thinking 'Mad Beth with the grip like a bulldog clip (as seen on national TV) be quiet'. Well mines Mr Husband is on nights so I have to be quiet or else I shall waken him. Anyways he be awake now. I been out in kitchen making truffles. Was going ok until I got to the bit that says 'Roll mixture into small balls'. I had to look around for some small balls- luckily mines Mr Husband was just passing the kitchen, although I had to feckin chase him all over the feckin house. He havin a bath now and is a huffin and a puffin and furthermore, not only but also, we have no truffles!

And before ye say -'ye missed out Thursday', I did. Ye can't expect me to have fun everyday!!!

Knickers with Lace, Fat Balls and Tits, and Bull shit

ALL IN A WEEK AT OURS

Mines Mr Husband said that sometimes he comes out of work and he thinks 'I can't wait to get home and get mines wife's knickers off'. I said 'well don't be such an eejit- wear thee own knickers to work-you will get chafing from the lace from mine'. Ye Gods can a gal not have anything to herself..?

In the woods we found some bear shit and mines Mr Husband argued that it was Pony Shit. I don't know how the feck he knows. He can't even identify between foxes and badgers shit on the drive. I told him the way to tell is to taste it. Tis true I have seen this on a nature programme with Lee Evans. Mouse shit it was called I think. You taste it and then somehow you know if it is badgers shit or hedgehogs shit. I think the same happens with all the other kinds of shit too. I bent down anyways to have a sniff. 'It feckin stinks' I told him. 'It feckin stinks bad' I said taking another big sniff. Mines Granny said 'Take big sniffs it will be gone all the sooner'. Although that is usually cow shit. 'A husband who cares about his wife will taste this' I said 'in order to identify which kind of shit it is'. I took another sniff. 'It does stink really, really bad' I said, 'But not as bad as all the bullshit I been smelling this week'. Thus I concluded that I will rather sniff bear shit or pony shit than bull shit. But I have ousted the source of that now and all is good in the Lucas household now.

A BBC headline today is asking me if I would tell Apple if I have had sex- be jeepers what next? Tis only the business of the plums is what I say. De apples can mind their own feckin business.

I had a visit to see the new dentist. Money making racket if ye ask me. She said 'you grind your teeth a lot don't you? Why do you do that?'. Apparently because 'I like it' and 'what are ye a feckin therapist now', is not the right answer. She tried to sell me a thingy to go between my teeth to bite on to 'save them'. It is about 70 squids. I said 'I ain't feckin made of  money Mrs- I might be an awfur but I got to sell a heck of lot of three little pigs to make 70squid'. Instead I settled on buying cake to keep betwixt mines teef at nights to stop the grinding. Mine teef grinding that is not mines hips grinding. A gal needs a good twerk sometimes. Then, to stop me sucking she tried to sell me a new toof to go in the gap where the other dentist took one out two years ago. I like sucking I told her. I will stick a toffee in that gap and that should stop the sucking that displeases you and the kind of sucking I like can stay. I don't want one of thems false teeth. Mines Little Sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) has one of these and it be nuffin but trouble. She even has to carry superglue in her handbag in case it breaks. The toof not the handbag. Although it did come in handy when her shoe broke and we was having a seaside day. I only had a ball of string. And ye all knows ye can't mend teef wiv string.

Mines Mr Husband has been getting the gardening done for me. He is currently have trouble with a whole herd of starlings attacking his fat balls. Tis very disconcerting for the tits it is. Mines Mr Husband do not display fat balls to attract starlings- only the tits. To be fair I do have a nice pair of tits who are eyeing up the little box I have put on the fence for them. I think we have a sale there guys.

Porky and Mess (the party size gateaux shaped people across the road- you remember them? Yes you do- I told you- she has an integrated bike rack-) they went to a party last week. I know. I seen thems loading up the car with cakes. And he had a clean shirt on. I followed them- well the cake called me- 'follow us, follow us'. So I did. They went to a party. I wasn't allowed in. Apparently they told the policemans I was stalking them. I said 'not strictly true your honour- I was stalking the cake- i have developed a dependency since hitting the menopause'. Talking of strictly I must remember to watch the results tonight. I felt sorry for poor old Tess Daley. She can only afford a dress with one sleeve. All that money the BBC takes in licence fees as well. I think I might drop a line to the secretary general or whatever he is.

Thats yer lot for this week folks. Its time for some Elvis whilst I lay on the floor waving me legs about and thrusting me pelvic floor muscles. Gotta keep thems hips moving.

Giving a Blow Job the right way....................

Another funny week

Tuesday - I can't believe what a misery arse mines Mr Husband is. Would you believe that now, not only I am not allowed to take my ironing board and exercise bike on holiday- he has actually made me unpack the ornaments and three pictures I had packed. He says we are going for a week and not feckin moving in. I know that ye eejit husband. I always think ye needs to make yeself feel at home on holiday. He said 'as it is ye have only booked us in three miles down the road, we can pop back if ye needs to see ye feckin ornaments'. Don't know why I bother sometimes!

Thursday - Oh my- you should see the tiny bit of clothes Mines Mr Husband has packed for holidays- whoopee- leaves room for ornaments!! Also he has packed swimming trunks- I have asked him 'what ye packs they for to go on holiday?' He said he might go swimming. 'Well', I said to him 'Ye haven't in 12 years, so I don't see it happening now'. So I took the swimming trunks and replaced with an ornament. Taking up feckin valuable ornament space with feckin trunks. What next? I asked if it was ok to take books. He said yes- I thought he would. He likes books. 'Good' I said 'how many boxes of books can I take?'. He looked at me (somewhat despairingly I thought) and said ' One. One book. Not one box'. Feckin cheers Mines Mr Husband- we only have the cookery books unpacked so far. I am opting for the 'greedy girls cookbook'. I am not letting him share mine. He might want to start experimenting in the kitchen and that always leads to heartburn.

Wednesday: So Far mines Mr husband has unpacked : The hand held cleaner; the bath mats; shower curtain; spare shower head; ornaments and three pictures; picture hanging set; hammer; set of saucepans (they always of have old knackered ones on holiday that your food sticks to); frying pan (ditto); set of basins; electric whisks; electric heater (WTF? it will be sure to be cold- and I know it is central heated but it might not be on!) However he has let me keep packed matches; pens; torch; and a ball of string.

Friday -

Well that was one of those nights that you wish you hadn't bothered to go to bed! Two hours sleep. Awake for five hours and one hour nap! And to top it all MMH was sat on the edge of his bed last night in his nuddy pants after his bath (cos that's how we bath in this house - call us old fashioned) I was just out of the shower also in my nuddy pants (cos that is also how we shower in this house) down on mines knees getting the hair dryer out (unbeknown to MMH) when he unwittingly asks for a blow job. I don't think he will be so quick to ask in future! He will at least check l am not holding my super duper hairdryer in my hand. I don't know whether it was the extra hot setting that did for him or the diffuser attachment. Either way it will be sometime before he can walk straight again!!

We did engage in some pillow talk last night (after the hairdryer incident) where it transpired that Mines Mr Husband lives with me and exercises great patience and tolerance. I asked why? Why the feck? He didn't seem to need much time to think about this. Apparently I have a lot of quacks and fur balls. One of them he suggests is that I am very clean but not very tidy. I pointed out that he is very tidy but not very clean- and I know which I would rather be! Cleanliness is next to Godliness me ol' granny used to say. She also used to say put clean knickers on when ye goes out in case ye gets hit by bus. I guess ye don't want all the passengers on the bus saying 'did ye see the state of her drawers?'. Anyways, not only but also, mines Mr Husband, now living dangerously continues that I lack 'logic'. What the feck??? 'I am,' I tell him, 'the most logical person I know of '. He says 'well ye don't now many peoples do ye?'. I have to remind him I am big in Alaska. Then he tells me I am beautiful (altogether now - AWW) then, get this, he claims that he is the one with the brains. 'Yes,' I says 'they are in your little furry balls' (which incidentally now dangle from his ears). I am not the one who went on a national game show with a head full of useless knowledge that didn't win us any money because I was sidetracked by a damsel in distress and therefore I forgot to use my brains. Now he is going to write me a list of all my quacks and fur balls. There could be another divorce statistic looming me thinks! He wants to be grateful we don't have enough feckin paper in this house for me to write a list of his!!

AND REMEMBER this guys - Happiness comes from within- that is why it is good to fart.

Balls, Boobies and Free Chocolate

So it seems the apology issued yesterday was not quite enough to appease mines Mr Husband and he still says that until I can behave I cannot go again. So more apologies go to:

All the people I terrified who left the water when I stood in the sea shouting 'Shark, Shark- run for your lives' - apparently it was not the shouting that was that problem - it was mines emptying the fake blood into the sea that caused the panic- so sorry about that folks- twice (because I did it twice!but it was fun).

I have to say sorry to the sea worldy place for standing and arguing with the assistant and insisting that they change the description of the white shark to grey because strictly speaking they are grey. Apparently it is not misrepresentation because they have been officially named as white sharks. Tis a big fat lie I tell ye. They are grey. And I suppose I shouldn't have pushed ye into the tank with they buggers cos you did get a nasty ol' nip from one- ye should have just taken my complaint on board and not argued back. Could have save yeself a mass of trouble and ye wouldn't have a chunk missing from ye arse.

To ye olde organ grinder - I am sorry I ground your organ so hard- but twerking be all the rage now. Also I thought ye would like to know your little cappuccino monkey has fitted in nicely with me snow leopards and me wonkey donkeys.

I am sorry to all the shoppers in the supermarket who got arrested because I told ye the chocolate was free today. Did ye not think it was a bit strange that I be standing there with me knickers on me head giving away Dime bars?

To ye man with a funny walk- I only asked if ye sand in crack or if ye had caught any crabs because I was concerned for ye. I wasn't being nosy- honest. There was no need for that language.

To ye olde man that was singing on the promenade- I suppose I shouldn't have that microphone so far up ye arse but ye really was an insult to crooners all world over- ye more like an old croaker. I apologise to the paramedics who had to remove said microphone. Also to ye bit younger man who was singing and said he had been on the X Factor- I told ye I had been on X Factor. I was mistaken. I checked with mines Mr Husband- it was the Max Factor not the X Factor. (BTW your singing is crap which is why ye are now singing on the prom in Torquay and not the stage at the O2 arena.)

To the woman with the nuclear dress - I shouldn't have offered mines Mr Husband to help ye put ye boobies back in- but he is expert with boobies and nipples so he is! How was we supposed to know you had chosen that look especially for the beach.

And finally to ye man who owned the little shop that sold buckets and spades- I am sorry I bounced all ye balls down ye road there- and I am sorry you got hit by the bus trying to retrieve them- but t'was fun wasn't it? If ye like I could visit in ye hospital- (provided it not be in one I be banned from).