Menopause, Mugwump and Gorilla Glue

A week with news of a shortage of hummus and wonky asparagus. What the feck is this world coming to!

Since I applied Gorilla Glue to Mines Mr Husbands crack I haven't heard as much as a squeak from him- until now that is. 'Face down, naked, on the bed'- I ordered. He didn't need telling twice thinking he was going to get a nice massage. 'Think of nice things like sandy beaches (cos pebbles beaches are pointless to be feckin honest), calm blue waters, lapping waves, lesbians covered in chocolate'- I tells him. He starts fidgeting. 'Ok- forget the chocolate' I says. Within a couple of minutes new Gorilla Applied. 'That it?' he asks- 'a tickle of me bum?'. 'I have fitted a new silencer to yer backend'. I tells him. Was he grateful. Was he feck. No pleasing that man.

The menopause is getting the better of me. Today alone ; I have been in raptures over a leaflet from the council outlining our new recycling regime. Muchly excited at that I can tell ye ; cried at the Jeremy Kyle show and I was only switching it over (to be fair I did the same yesterday-just after I snapped me hair brush in half- and she was a lovely woman- even had teeth); told the boy in the post office I was not paying £3.70 to send a small package first class and ordered him to get the packet through his little doofer measurer especially when I could see he wasn't trying. He wanted to cry I could tell. I bet he will go home and have a break down- he was on the verge; became very assertive and told the man up the garage to pull his finger out and get me new car sorted. I am thinking I will have to go and sit on his head until he complies. (Could be his lucky day depending on whether or not its my naked day or not) ; also laughed out loud til I peed me pants at Boris calling manky wanky Corbyn a Mutton headed Mugwump; and confused the Amazon delivery man so much that when he asked what number I was I asked him why he needed to know how old I was. I'm on a roll today.

ME AND THE AMAZON MAN

Waited in all day for the Amazon Logistics Man to deliver me new Vera DVD. When the door bell finally went I was half asleep. He held the biggest parcel and asked me if I could take it in for her two doors down.

Me: Ok.

Him: Thanks- I will put a card through to tell her. What's your first name?

Me: Lucas

Him: Lucas? Is that your first name?

Me: No-

Him: You said it was

Me: I know. I don't know why I said that. Its Elizabeth

Him; Oh- Well I will just call you Liz

Me: Oh- well call me what you like it- see if I care

Him: Laughing out loud ' Call you what you like- ok'.

Me: Look, you disturbed me and I was half asleep and I was expecting my parcel. Where is my parcel? Its only a small one.

Him;' Ok, I will look for it in a minute. What number are you?'

Me: '53- Why do you need my age?'

Him: 'No- your house number'

Me: 'Oh- erm I don't know'- turning round looking for the number on the door.

Him; Oh 21.

Me: Yeah- that sounds right. Have you got my parcel. You should have a little one for me.

Him: I will go and look for it and I may be back.

Me: You better mate- I am not here just to take in everybody else's parcels you know.

Two minutes later, I kid ye not- he moves the van a couple of yards to park outside my house!!! Finally gets my parcel and I shouts out 'see I told you you had a little one for me'.

He went off laughing. Now he thinks I am mad I am sure and I am just menopausal.

Sex In Tents, Tight Holes and Alternative Facts.

Tis been another busy week at Beths- a bit of this and a bit of that. Something to take ye mind off the turmoils of the world.


MONDAY: I missed sex intents last week but according to my stars I am getting a second chance at sex intents this week and their is a square in your anus and also I am going to invest with someone in a financial thing and I am going to get engaged and he will find joy in my happy place. I knew it- I feckin knew- Johnny Depp is on the way...........

TUESDAY: If ye don't farts ye internally combusts. So go on- ye knows he wants to- Let It Go.....even if ye are on the tube or on a bus or in a queue. Brought to you by Beths top tits and alternative facts!

WEDNESDAY: I was off out this morning me ol babbers. I had a bit of a doodah with a knob last night and it came right off in me hand. I can't understand it- I am usually very good with knobs. Still at least it wasn't the landlords this time. I pulled that off when I moved in and that was when we had to buy gorilla glue- and ye all know what I am like with gorilla glue. This knob can't have gorilla glue though so off we go to Argos. And if I am extra lucky Dunelm cos we will be very close.

THURSDAY:  I went going to see Dr Angry Hard Jones this morning. I told ye I got dressed in the dark and ended up with half me naughty Santa outfit on. Well bugger me if when I got to the surgery the receptionist wasn't dressed like a feckin xmas tree. I chatted to her for twenty minutes about me Elf - everything from Piles to Corns and told her me most intimate stuff- Ye knows stuff ye can tell ye mother. Then the Dr called me and asked why I had a half a naughty Santa costume on. I said 'that's rich coming from someone who has a receptionist dressed as a Christmas tree'. She says they don't have a receptionist today- that is the Christmas tree- the caretaker has got round to taking it down yet. I tells her 'I wondered why she didn't kick off when Mines Mr Husband squeezed two of her baubles'. (Also the woman in the post office asked I had left the reindeer outside. What's all that about!!)

Anyways the good news is that Dr Angry Hard Jones says that tis ok for me to get naked in Tesco and Sainsbury's but probably not Waitrose. It seems having the menopause is a legit reason to strip off. Well she didn't use them exact words- she said something about less clothes. Same thing.

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband has been on the first aid doodah thingy at work. Tis a requirement. He has told me what they learned what to do with burns and cuts and fits and what not. He tried to test my extensive knowledge:

Him: What do you if someone has a burn
Me: Put it under water (drowning not really acceptable- depends on who)
Him: What you do if someone is cut thems self?
Me; Put it underwater (see above re: drowning)
Him: What you do if someone is having a fit
Me: Put them underwater (same drowning rules apply)
Him: You can't say put everything in water.
Me: Sounds acceptable to me.
Him: What if someone is having a panic attack?
Me; Find carrier bag and put over head (theirs) then slap them hard
Him: What if someone is choking?
Me: Throw water at them and distract them
Him: I don't suppose you know what to do with anyone having a heart attack then?
Me: Bring towels and water?
Him: That’s when someone is giving birth
Me: How would you know- they are both painful in equal measure
Then I said to him 'Worries me in case you had a heart attack at work and no-one was there at night and you was alone. You could die'
He said 'I could do that alone in that back bedroom on my own'
Me: You are still not sleeping in my room
Him: How would you know if I was having a heart attack
Me: I would find out sooner or later like when I didn't get me cuppa tea the next morning.
Him: What would you do if you found me having a heart attack?
Me: Tell you to cough (I read it on interwebs- alternative fact!)
Him: I don't think that’s legit first aid. What else would you do?
Me: Ring 111 to see what they think
Him: No 999.
Me: Ok. If you think it is serious enough. Then I will put kettle on and make tea and look for insurance policy.
Him: Is that it? Make tea?
Me: Yes and have cake- no point in panicking- we didn't win two world wars by panicking. Anyway I watch 999 what’s your emergency and you are not supposed to do anything to anyone having a heart attack.
Him: Unless their heart has stopped. And then what will you do? Supposing my heart has stopped?
Me: Well not a lot I can do in that case is there. Make a cup of tea, and look for the insurance policy. And cake.
Him: What about 999 and CPR?
Me: What about tea and cake?
Him: No
Me: Water on it? Towels?
He went to bed shaking his head and rolling his eyes. I thought he was having a fit so I slapped him and threw a bottle of water at him. Now he has a lump on his head.

SATURDAY: We had a new sideboard. I watched from a distance. Mines Mr Husband doesn't, on account of being a man (he is I checked- well I sneaked a peak when he was in the shower), doesn't usually do instructions. I was, to be honest, expecting to end up with a sideboard, a coffee table and a flat cap. I mean a cat flap. After much huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning and a flurry of words like 'this hole is too small and this thing is too stiff' and even a 'go away and mind your own business' (to me!! HOW RUDE)- we have a sideboard and coaster. I was a bit disappointed we didn't get a coffee table and if we had of had a cat he would be sorely disappointed we didn't get a cat flap. If any of the neighbours were listening I do hope they realise that a new sideboard was being constructed - I don't want them thinking Christian Grey had come to visit.

And sadly still no sex intents. Maybe next week if the mood hasn't passed.

Cockchafers, Cockahoops and Cock Muppets

This Week at the Crazy House:

Excited muchly as this week was our Spring holiday. Mr Husband has taken me here, there and everywhere. He will take me feckin anywhere. He has no shame that man. We went to Brixham in the pea- only one day. I think mines Mr Husband couldn't stand the Beth and Elvis sing-a-long all the week. I did notice on the sticky thing on the steering wheel, you know the one that tells people if we are going left or right, or if we are going to clean the windows etc, mines Mr Husband has found it turns Elvis down. He so didn't account for me to continue Beth and Elvis sing-a-long without Elvis. The rest of the week we went out in his Jag. Mines Mr Husbands Jag- not Elvis's. Elvis wouldn't let us. So this was the week:

Saturday: Mines Mr Husband was sleeping face down when I went in this morning to make sure he hadn't died in his sleep or anything. I noticed his bum had a crack in it. All mended now with gorilla glue.

Well Mr Husband has found out about Gorilla Glue Gate- He has read my facebook status. Not happy. 'Stop playing with ye bum ye dirty fecker', I said. 'Go wash ye hands'. Now he is going a funny purple colour. I hope he don't explode. I have cleaned up this morning!

Having a Beth and Elvis Sunday Special Sing-a-long. Ye probably think I am obsessed with Elvis. Yesterday I did Beth and Ronan Keating Sing-a-long, and sometimes I do Roy Orbison or Robbie Williams. Mines Mr Husband is going to know Elvis songs inside out be the time we get to top of Scotland and back in a few weeks time. He, (MMH- not Elvis) is sat on sofa as we speak with a face like a constipated prune and very much the same colour as well, wriggling from side to side, huffing and puffing trying to dislodge the Gorilla Glue. He is googling 'how to remove gorilla glue from cracks' and other such stuff. He will be lucky- I used the whole tube!

Monday: Day one of our Spring Holiday Well Beth, Elvis and the pea took to the road for a singalong to Steve and his ear drums. He drived us. He took me to Brixham to Bury a Head but I didn't see him Bury a Head but we did go up a cliff. Tis Ok- I didn't climb it up the side or anything. Although I didn't see him with me all the time, so who knows. He bit sulky today- he walking a tad funny- re; the gorilla glue in the crack. Anyways Some tit told me there was dolphins in the Brixham harbour so we dashed down there. Not a feckin sausage! Anyways did get pictures of a seal having lunch. T'was a fine display. Tomorrow we are going on a nature trail. Mines Mr Husband is looking out for a cockchafer. We have one at home I am sure somewhere but no- he wants to find one on the nature trail. Him and his nature trails.

Tuesday  - morning ; Today guys Mines Mr Husband wants to take me on a nature trail (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame I tell ye). Do ye know why he wants to take me on a nature trail? To look for a cockchafer nonetheless. Well I am expecting it to be in the bush somewhere. I thought mines little sister said she had one of these in her bedroom - but I suspect she bought hers from Anne Summers. Anyways If I find one I will send you photographs.
P.S. I think Mines Mr Husband may be planning on us going in the jag- it doesn't have a five cd thingy to listen to Elvis- however I have a plan and some solo beats!!!

Tuesday- Evening: Ye are all wondering how the search went for the cockchafer I bet. Well I tell ye- Mines Mr Husband wanted to take me on a nature trail but I wanted to go and see the dolphins. So back to Brixham we went. Not a feckin Dolphin in site. Even the seal told us to feck off – he did his party trick yesterday. Then we went up to Torquay. I saw a family size gateaux from Iceland shaped person sat on three seats. I said 'lets talk about your cake intake me dear'. That's when the fight broke out. Mines Mr Husband said that it was clearly my fault for taking the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped persons cake out of her hand. I was only trying to help her. Ye gods ye gets no fanks for nuffin these days. We sat next to an old man who, when he got up, farted so loud and so triumphantly that he killed three seagulls on the seawall outright and a poor old dear on a mobility scooter keeled over. 'Tis the Germans', she shouted, 'tis chemical warfare', she cried. I picked her back and told her 'tis alright me ol' babbers- T'was just an ill wind from that ol' gits arse'. Also got involved in a drive by shooting. I shot the entertainment at a local pub because he sounded like he was having his pubic hairs on his nether regions plucked one by one. Anyways Mines Mr Husband says drive by shootings don't count with a water pistol and a banana. I wanted to go to the ByGones museum but we was already GoneBy it when I noticed it. And ye are all waiting to know if we found the Cockchafer. We did. Well I see It. Sat outside the same pub we had our dinner- there for everyone to see, wearing the teeniest tiniest shorts ever and legs a kimbo- proudly presented to all and sundry. I am glad Mines Mr Husband had his back to it. I never told him I could see it. I am his wife and I have to protect his heart and his blood pressure. Anyway T'was not a pretty site and I nearly choked on me chips. I tried to take a picture of it for ye all cos I promised. But we got frowed out and they called me a pervert. We having a quiet day tomorrow- Mr Husband got sunburnt on his face and on his bald patch and now he looks like a giant tomato. He needs to sit in the fridge now.

Wednesday: Today was shopping day- or as I call it- Naked Tesco Twerking day. Spent all day yesterday looking for the cockchafer. Spent all day today avoiding cock muppets. Now mines Mr Husband wants sex in a lay-by at teatime. He said he wants cockavan for tea. I presume he will be happy with sex in the jag cos we don't have a van.
Thursday: Staying with the cock theme today. I am cock-a-hoop. Seems like Johnny Depp is back on the market. Yay- I am in with a chance again! Must surely be my turn be now. Also today- Mines Mr Husband has been eager for me to try my mobility scooter out- so this was what we did tonight. I didn't want to make a showy display- I wanted to be inconspicuous- so I went naked. Nobody noticed. However I was worried about me nipples catching in the wheels. At first I was afraid, I was petrified! But T'was OK. I had hubby by my side. Once I got the hang of it he was running to keep up with me. I think I may do this everyday now- he will be slim and fit in no time!! A Beth Top Tit for all mobility scooter users: Stay off the paths and the roads- you can have sooooo much more fun off road and through the parks. Gave a few dog walkers a run for thems money tonight so I did!!! Got a get Mines Mr Husband Stiff now. Stiff drink that it is. One rooiboos tea coming up!!

Friday: Boiling water poured on Gorilla Glue don't shift it- so it seems!! I can thoroughly recommend Gorilla Glue. Be warned if used to mend cracks can turn ye husband blue!