Nipples, Knobs and Jam

Well tis quite some time since I did a blog for thee all. 'Why be that Beth ?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. Tis been all go. We did have a bit of a holiday. We had the usual row over the ornaments and the bath mats and me packing them and Mines Mr Husband unpacking them. He said 'we don't have so much room this year pickle, we have only a small car'. Tis true. So I took his under crackers and socks out and made room for me bath mats. Always a way round these things ye know. 

Then we moved house. Yes, ye did hear that right. Well we didn't move the house we had to another place. We found another one. We needed a bungalow because my mobility has decreased. So I asked the universe for a bungalow- or I tells it I would settle for something bigger with a staircase that maybe the landlord would allow me to put in a nice slidy chair to go up the stairs and a slider to come down. So the universe got a tad mixed up and we got a bungalow with stairs. Yes that's right- a bungalow with stairs. So... ..basically we have a house. But the stairs are little and easy to manage. Also a very slippery kitchen floor so I can do slippy slidy with me kitchen chair. Also we have lots of neighbours- old peoples. I like old peoples generally because they don't make a noise. Well they do fart and pretend they didn't. No hang on- that's mines Mr Husband- yes that is mines Mr Husband.

It wasn't easy to move- Mines Mr Husband had to get me up and enthused. He didn't have too much trouble once he borrowed a cattle prod. It was just the two of us. I wasn't well enough really and I had several visits to the osteopath in between van loads. He helped me loads and loads. Although to be fair I was paying him loads and loads. Most of the time I ended up sat here on the sofa with a bag of frozen peas in me knickers and some bubble wrap (to pop- wonderful stress reliever).. and Mr Husband worked like a little Collie dog rounding up the sheep. He can do it with boxes. He is the box whisperer.

Mines Mr Husband has been and made a friend up the town in the music shop. He said they are having bread and jam sessions - I expect coffee will be involved. I said 'I don't care- when I have finished unpacking I will find a friend or two. I will look in the cake shop for mine. We will have cake and baileys sessions. That will be far more fun'.

B and Q was jealous when they found out I was shopping mostly in Homebase and Dunelm and sent me an email asking if they could get to know me better. So I did me naked wrecking ball routine through the store nearest to be. Got me nipples caught in the chain. Not so nice as they make out!

We are a little way a way from his work so he has a bit further to travel And still we have stuff to do at the old town yet. Me and Bob are spending a bit of time on the motorway too. Bob and Elvis says 'step on the gas Beth, step on the gas'. So we do. And we sing loudly and we get there quicker. I likes to do what I is told. Well usually only when I am naked- but also when Bob and Elvis tells me. Yesterday we did that. We had to go to the Doctors Bob and Me. The weather is colder and I noted his knob was freezing. Not the Doctors- what kinda gal you think I am? And more to the point what kind a gal do you think my Doctor is? No- I am talking about Bobs Knob. I am surprised it wasn't shrivelled up. I have seen knobs shrivel up in cold weather before. Talking of which Mr Husbands came with us too. Bob said, 'Jeez me knob is cold but the sun is out, why don't we go topless?'. I said 'cos tis not good for me nipples me ol' cocker but I will keep me hand on your knob and change gear lots and your Knob will be nice and warm'. He was content with that but he and Elvis made me go fast down the motorway again. Mines Mr Husband chose to drive back. I think we goes to fast for him, Bob, Elvis and Me.

Also on the subject of Mines Mr Husband Tesco is advertising for 'festive colleagues' for the festive period. I have bought mines Mr Husband a reindeer costume and sent him off to apply. He looked festive enough to me so fingers crossed. If that don't work I have my last years santa outfit here he can borrow. (See photo on profile- tis a very fetching outfit). I know what ye are thinking 'but your Mr Husband has a good job- he don't be needing another'. True. But I need some extra cash to spend some extra time in Dunelm. They have cake upstairs to die for don't ya know? Sod the bath mats!

Anyways not quite settled in the new place. We can't get channel 20. Tis very disappointing. I can't get last of the summer wine. Think I shall have a breakdown now! New neighbours are already traumatised because we have no nets and they are nosy. Serves them right. Also BT man was traumatised one morning because we didn't know he was coming and I was naked when he knocked at the door. Then I knew he was coming and traumatised. Note BT- advanced warning would be great in future. Ps. I can't get channel 20. Did I mention that. Mines Mr Husband said channel 20 is the drama channel- ye got facebook for that. But tinternet is sporadic. So I am going to be drama free for sometime me thinks. Also pigeons nest on our roof cos the silly ol' bugger next door feeds them.

And before ye asks yes I still don't let mines Mr Husband sleep in my bedroom. His is snoring so loud I just seen three dragons run past in fear. He sleeps t'other end of landing now and I can still hear him. He has a bed of course. And he is in a bedroom! I am not that mean. However tomorrow I may be depending on my migraine. I may move his bed to the garage. The esso one on the motorway.!

The voices have been giving me trouble. They woke me up saying 'cream eggs, cream eggs. You need cream eggs'. I know they aren't real (the voices, not the cream eggs) but they do have some good ideas. However, you can't just get up and get a cream egg in the middle of the night.  Then the next night they woke me up saying 'Why don't you google storeaway furniture?' Then the next night again they woked me saying 'Dizzy Gillespie-' WTF? Then they say 'No- Dizzy Rascal'. Me again 'WTF?' Then again 'Dance yourself Dizzy- Do you remember that?'- Me 'WTF- go back to sleep- it's 3am and I don't want to sing or dance'. Then suddenly I am awake and thinking 'Who the feck is Dizzy Gillepsie?'- Good job I got a Mr Husband with an IQ second to Einstein. Although tis true Einstein only knew the theory of a flat pack whereas Mines Mr Husband has gone a bit beyond the theory.  Pity I don't have his knack for ignoring the 3am voices that want to sing and dance when I want to sleep. To be honest I preferred the cream egg scenario. Much more my thing at 3am. Dear Voices- I know you are not real, and I also know that sometimes you have good ideas (cream eggs) but sometimes you have shit ideas at shit times -if its 3am please let me sleep!! If you don't I will start doing only what my rice krispies tell me to do and you will not be my friend anymore!

Also since we lived here I have discovered I have one earhole smaller than the other- t'was during autumn watch when they were doing a bit about squirms and I stuck me fingers in me ears and one went in further than the other. Tis funny the things ye learns on Autumn watch.

So that be it really for now- Mines Mr Husband has returned the cattle prod and all is well here. I am googling pigeon recipes.

Sockets, Pockets and Nipples

SATURDAY NIGHT:

6PM Just been to look at my happy forever bungalow- its in a forest. I am sooo in love with it. I have peed on the gate post and the doorstep to mark my territory. I told Mr husband we will start moving in tomorrow. He said we need to have the key and pay some money to an agent. See I told ya he would piss on me chips.

7PM Found my happy forever bungalow. Busy getting everything packed. Mr Husband pissing on my chips- saying things like 'we should go and look at it first. We should wait until Monday when the agent opens. We should get some money together for it'. I don't care. I am moving in Monday..................End of!

SUNDAY:Well today should be moving into my happy ever after bungalow. We went and looked at it last night. Mr Husband said  'Oooh it's alarmed'. I said 'Don't worry me ol' cocker- it will soon get used to you'. Anyways my heart and my head was saying 'get urself packed and in yer tomorrow'. Then, as predicted, Mr Husband pissed on me chips and me cornflakes and me porridge- and he knows full well I likes cream on me porridge. He said 'yer head needs to understand the costs involved and how isolated you will be there when I am at work'. He told me to sleep on it. So I did- I am stiff all over. Do you know what its like to sleep with one leg either side of the Apex clinging to a rickety chimney pot? (Not the Apex park in Highbridge- I can't get me legs that wide apart- although I know there are people out there.............). Anyways my heart is moving in and my head is staying here..............

After Dinner ;

Mr Husband to me : 'Pickle, why do you have several lumps of gravy inside your bra and peas squashed to your nipples?' Me to Mines Mr Husband : 'Scooby snacks- thats all- scooby snacks'. He be nosy bugger he be.

WEDNESDAY: We are going adventuring today. We don't know where yet- t'is going to be a surprise. It will be too for the people whoever are there when I get there.  I had the king of Migraines yesterday and Mr Husband was nursing his empty socket and empty pocket after his visit to the dentist. Tis the price you pay for avoiding a dentist for twenty years. He had to go cos his toothache was too bad. And ye knows when the chips are down- well he pisses on them. And when you got a very bad tooth- out he gotta come. So I went with him to hold his hand and drive him home. Tis no wonder he needed a lie down after. I wore my tinkly chi ball. 'If ye are nervous' I said to him 'I will jiggle my tinkly chi ball and soothe your nerves'. He said he wasn't nervous at all. I jiggled my tinkly chi ball all the same. Many times. Eventually he got really annoyed with me and nearly strangled me with it. How rude. Nerves on edge or what. Mine - not his. Then a man came outta the dentist room with a bad limp. I said to Mines Mr Husband ' I think ye should avoid going in there- he came out with a limp'. Mines Mr Husband said 'He went in with a limp'. I says to him 'You are a feckin pessimist'. When Mines Mr Husband came out he brought his bad tooth with him. I said 'Why have you brought this with you' (T'was disgusting!). He said 'Tis a gift for you pickle, I thought ye might like it'. This proves romance isn't dead and I must be one of the luckiest girls on the planet. I will get my girl Anna to make it into a necklace from it. All we need now is the hair. She is well renowned for her scalping capabilities- she makes the scalp in to drinking bowls and the hair and teeth into necklaces. Nothing goes to waste. I have to go now because there is some banging from the cupboard under the stairs- I forgot to let the Argos delivery man out I fink.

WEDNESDAY EVENING:

We been on an adventure to Brixham. I had a pasty. I have wind. Mines Mr Husband had a right ol paddy cos he wanted to have his face painted. He said he would go home and sulk in his shed. I said 'I don't care if you do- you are not walking round Brixham with me with a feckin tiger painted on your face'. Then we had icecream. Bloody hundreds and thousands played havoc with his ADHD. He was climbing the walls. The harbour walls. From the inside. I stood on his fingers when he got to the top. By accident of course. What kinda wife do you think I am? Then he stopped by a cake shaped woman at the harbour side and asked her if she got crabs on her holiday- or was it just the way her thighs rubbed together when she walked. Now he looks like a panda- no paint needed. Another woman walked by and she said 'if anyone does it to me they will get what for'- and he said 'You should be so lucky missus'. Tis true she had a face like a box of spanners. I didn't even think he could run that fast. Anyways we are home now. Bob is broken. (Insert crying here!) The boot is stuck. Tis important I get the boot open- I have a pop up pirate that was selling icecream locked in there. He was supposed to be keeping me cool with this menopause. He is knocking on the boot lid now- 'let me out'...................Mr Husband is searching the internet for help. Should have stayed home!

THURSDAY; I have the most wonderful husband. He indulges me notions of fantasy. He knows they may cost him money and mess all over the house at worst and at best more stuff in a box or two somewhere. My latest of aforesaid notion of fantasy included a demand to be taken last night in the rain and cold and wind on Budleigh Salterton (pebble) beach. He will take me anywhere. He has no feckin shame that man. I swear I only went to look for certain types of pebble. I further swear I absolutely did not know it was 'men get naked in the rain on the pebble beach night'. This I told them, as I tried to apply sun cream to the bits that may burn the most, was an added bonus for me as I had only come to get pebbles. I further swear I did not know that despite miles and miles of millions and trillions and gazillions of pebbles that beach would not have the 'right kind' of pebbles for my notion of fantasy. I may have to try again tonight!

Tis TUESDAY. I like Tuesdays. They are orange. I have already learned things this week. I learned:

There are more nipples than people in the world.

That some people won't use toilet paper in a posh loo because its ends are folded too posh to disturb.

It's illegal to vacuum on a Sunday afternoon. Well who knew??

I learned I have French Lavender, not English. I know - it was a surprise to me too. No wonder it doesn't listen when I talk to it. It doesn't understand me. So I spent all the evening talking in French to it. I said ' Je m'appelle Beth ; Quelle heure est- il? ; J'ai une règle; and Fermer tu mouth! ' It never responded at all. I then said 'Now look, if you are going to come over here, taking our Lavenders jobs the least you can do is learn the lingo'. Still ignored me. It's on sticky ground now. Well clay. My friend said ' Dry it out, put into little bags and voila! scent for your drawers'. I have followed her instructions and now I got a funny walk.

Also learned this week that the average human being farts 4 pints of gas a day. It seems mines Mr Husband is well above average!

Off on a road trip today with Elvis as my little sister likes to say. (The one who likes a drop of gravy in her wine!). She don't say the Elvis bit. I don't think she cares so much for Elvis as I. Be good, and if ye can't be good - don't get caught.

FRIDAY: Off to see me Osteopaff. He is in for a treat. I have wind. Blame the beans!

The Osteopaff said to me 'ye are just a spring chicken'. I do like him. Then he said 'Ye can live until ye are 90'. I said 'Gee thanks for the permission- but I have other plans'. Mines Mr Husband said 'What other plans?' I tells 'I am saving to go to the place with the chocolate and the snowy mountains where they give you cheerios for breakfast. I am going to have Youfunasia. It will cost me 700 squids'. Then he really pissed on me chips and he said '7000 squids- 7000'.  So I think that's 14,000 and I ain't no Carol Vorderman- I like to think of meself more of a Rachel Riley. But even I know that 7000 squids plus 7000 squids is 14000 squids. I got this figure by timsing the two sevens. Or addition for those not familiar with the times table. I cried- 'oh dear, I have so much more to save now'. He asks 'how much have ye already got then pickle?' and I tells him '99p so far'. He rooted in his pocket. He be a tight arse. He throwed me a penny and said 'Yer- now yer got yer first pound'. Thats just 13999 squids to go. I ain't no Carol Vorderman-  I like to think of meself more of a Rachel Riley. But I deducted the 1 squid from the 14000 squids to arrive at that figure. Anyways nows mines Mr Husband tells me that its only 7000 squids I have to find- or strictly speaking 6999. I wish he wouldn't confuse me- I am menopausal don't ya know? Mines Mr Husband said he don't be liking to see me sad and he said he will set up a 'go fund me' page (I think he said fund) to get me some money for the Youfunasia. See he really does love me.

SATURDAY: I have been almost cake free for many weeks now. Sadly it seems that its Mines Mr Husband who has been losing weight. Not me. I tells him 'I don't understand it- I eats like a little sparra.' He said 'Well to be fair my little gherkin ye don't. Ye eats more like a seagull- a flock thereof'. Sometimes I just don't want to share my food with him when he says stuff like this. He is soooo Rude!

MONDAY: Tis all excitement here. I am having real visitors. Not like the ones I had yesterday. That was awkward. I thought he was visiting. After much tea and chatting (mine)- he was tied to the chair and his mouth had gaffer tape on - it turns out he was only asking for directions. Tis very confusing this estate. Anyways today my real friend is coming and we are going to go to a pub for dinner and dance naked on the tables and twerk and whip our nae nae's. That's how we roll in Devon!

That is it for this week. Mines Mr Husband is asleep. He has left his old mankywankytooth under his pillow since he had it extracted trying to recoup some of the money he spent on having it out. I think the tooth fairy has a warped sense of humour cos she has thus far only left him 1 squid. Only 187 squids to go and he should be a very even Steven indeed.

I am now off to look for a parcel man to chat to.

Chest and Nuts Roasting By an Open Fire...........

You all be thinking I been quiet. Well not quite. I had been busy pushing my new book- SO IS THIS HEAVEN? Me, Elvis and Facebook. What ye means ye didn't know. Quick- get yerself to Amazon before January 5th and get yerself a copy half the price it will be in January. Free delivery if ye spends ten squids.  Ye won't be disappointed I tells ye.

Well we had a reasonable Christmas- although t'was true we had to travel yer, ther, and everywher.  At home 'twas just me and he. Roasting chest and nuts be an open fire. Singed bits all round. On the plus side Mines Mr Husband bought me a dick thing that I can talk into. This will come in handy when I am left alone when he goes to work.

Well according to my stars I was to have a frisky Christmas and a wonderful night with a lover. I thought Johnny Depp is coming round. Still waiting. Also I must say since I have had me lug holes cleared out I can hear so much better. I can hear her three doors down eating her Mr Husbands nuts now.

I waited for a parcel to be delivered Friday. Well three.. Yodel  brought one of them. They text me to say that they would be delivered before 9pm. Also there were 65 to be delivered before mine. I know I am no Carol Vorderman but I did some calculations and worked out that mine would be 66th. They have to deliver a parcel every three minutes according to mines Muvver. And she knows this stuff. She watches a lot of telly. I did some more calculations and this means mine would be delivered sometime later precisely. Yay- I had time to go to the loo without worrying that that will be the precise time he would knock the door. I do like a poop in peace. I also worked out that there should have been three delivery men. However, there were only two. So there is a space under me stairs still going begging..............

They got a Christmas tree by the shops here in Crankbrook. I did see it I did when I when I went to the Co-op. It has lots of presents round the bottom. Well I mean it HAD lots of presents round the bottom of it. On a different note I am happy. I got lots of presents for Christmas this year for myself.

I wonder why they never had any decorations on that tree. I bet some fecker stole them.

I seen all my lovely children. Mines Girl bought us something to share. A necklace and ear rings set. Mines Mr Husband is having the ear rings. I am going to pierce is nipples when he is asleep. If ye wonders what else happens to his nipples when he is asleep ye needs to buy my book so ye do.

Also her over the road trimmed up her bush with fairy lights. 'Twas all twinkly all over the festive period. And her down by muvvers she went and done her bush up to look like a xmas pudding. 'Tis true- me muvver took a picture of it. I do hope she don't going pouring brandy on it and setting it alight. 'Tis not good to have a burning bush. I had that once. The Doctor had to give me some cream for it.

I am going to do something nice with my bush next year.

Anyways me ol' cockers hopes ye all haves a nice 2017 and I can bring me little adventures to you all the time. Ye will all like that.

Naked Twerking and the Doctor

Well me ol babbers I was off to see the rumour doctor this week. Mines Mr Husband was taking me there. He will take me anywhere that man. He has no shame. He has gave me this list of instructions:

Do not strip off anywhere unless invited, and certainly not in the waiting room.

If the doctor invites you too strip there is no need to look so eager and do not say 'I will if you will- I will show you mine if you show me yours' - tis embarrassing.

Do not announce 'lets play lucky dip' and go around the waiting room asking if anyone wants to give you 50p for a look to see if you are wearing knickers or not.

Do not fiddle with anyone's walking or hearing aids.

Do not touch the fish tank and do not hand them out as prizes to people for being good in the Doctors room

Do not sit anyone's kids to muffle them.

Do not tell the receptionist to get a proper job when she refuses to replace' relaxing classic crap' as you put it with a bit of Elvis and do not sing Elvis songs and try and get the old peoples up to gyrate their hips. Especially people with broken hips and legs.

Just when I thought he had finished he added:

And if you see anyone laying in a bed or on a trolley DO NOT poke, prod or pull anything to see if they are alive!!

I thought I  am soooo going on my own to this appointment if he is going to piss on my chips!!

Just as we was walking into the Hospital Mines Mr Husband said 'Remember what I said earlier and Don't jiggle anything of yours and certainly not of anybody else's. And no twerking'. Umph!

The first thing the doctor said was 'why have you taken all your clothes off Mrs Lucas'. I said 'I thought you might want to do an internal'. He said 'No- I don't put your clothes back on please'. I said 'I wore me best matching undies so I did'. He raised one eyebrow and said 'Matching what?'- I said 'Well me knickers match me eyes and me bra matches me handbag'.

Anyways he says 'ye haves fryupmejelly'. I said 'I know- I just told ye that you deaf fecker'. He told me that mostly its psycho whatsit. And all I need is acrobatics and sleep. No more cake and no more Elvis late at night in bed. He fair upset me with that comment to be honest. I shan't go again. Even if he hasn't invited me. I still shan't go again! Waste of everybody's time. I could have stayed in bed for an hour more. Going for a jog now! (If mines Mr Husband gets me mobility walker out the car for me!)

Steak and Blow Job Please

Are ye all wondering what I been up to this week. Week and a half I tell ye. This is what t'was like in our little corner of the world.:

 MONDAY I sent mines Mr Husband to the garden on a mission to find something nice for tea. He came back with two fuchsias and a dahlia bulb. 'No, go back and find something edible'. We do grow a bit of our own now. Well tomatoes and potatoes. Not that we have any tomatoes yet. The next thing I hear is him shouting- 'I have a big one, I have a big one'. Well ye can't be wasting opportunities at our times in life so I stripped off there and then and ran into the garden. I thought 'I bet he be stroking me clematis again'. When I got there he was holding up a potato. 'See, I got a big one' he repeated. 'Why are ye naked fruitcake?'. Some days the emotional mix of excitement and disappointment can be too much in this yer house I tells ye.

TUESDAY: Oh yay- excited much more than having triplets. Mines Mr Husband is letting me take my new doofer Hoover on holiday so I can glide from hotel to hotel. This is going to be a fandabdoozy holiday.

WEDNESDAY AM -Bedtime was a waste of time. I watched the sun go down. I watched it get back up. I was out at 5am (I know- too feckin early), in me nothings (well I had me orgasm socks on). I was out there in me garden boiling slugs. Cos that's how I roll. Now I want to go to sleep but I can't because we are taking the Jag to the Jag hospital for a new ouse and new hose. It has a temperature and a runny nose. Tis very poorly. Me, Elvis and the Pea have to follow Mr Husband to Taunton. He will be driving at 67mph and I will want to do slightly more (I won't say how much more in case the policemans are listening). But no fear I shall stay behind Mr Husband or I will get lost. I don't like following him. I tells him 'I am a leader me ol 'cocker, a leader not a follower. I likes to do me own thing I do'. I don't mind getting a bit lost cos that be when ye discover exciting things and places. True. But then I can't be getting lost when I supposed to following Mines Mr Husband or the poor divil will have to walk thousands of miles back home. And he got wonky feet already.  So I will follow him to the garage. Good girl that I be. Then I am going to me muvvers and favvers to cut their hair. Wish them luck- cos it be well known I ain't no hairdresser.

WEDNESDAY PM was an exceptionally long day given I never had any sleep the last night.  We took the car to the Jag hospital and paid a HUGE bill for it to be made better. Then they gived us a list as long as yer arm with things gone to pot and needs doing and another massive quote that is going to cost more than the car is worth. Heartbroken we are. I drived my little pea - well ye can't expect Mr Husband to walk for miles and miles. I am kind like that- I gived him a lift. On the way home I puts me toe down (Elvis told me to) and got in the outside lane. Tis true I drives a bit sharper than Mr Husband but I have always been nifty with an accelerator. I always wear a bra when driving so me nipples don't become jammed under the pedals. (Plus Mines Mr Husband worries than van drivers will be gawping down me blouse at me rather ample bosom if I don't wrap them up. I keeps all me bits wrapped up I do when I am driving.  'Go faster Way O' Down' Elvis cried. So I did. The faster I drived the louder Elvis singed.  Mr Husband said 'I was doing 190 to keep up with ye -ye was going to fast'. I said 'What ye on about - my thingy clock said 65 and ye shouldn't be doing such speeds- tis against the law' - he thinks I am telling porkies. Then Elvis suggested we look for a pokerman- something about in a viva in  Las Vegatables. Makes ye drive a bit erratic so it does. A couple of times we had to take short cuts. Not good on the motorway but alleviates the boredom. Me and Elvis was singing so loud and having such a good time we didn't hear any sirens or see any carnage. Or any pokermans. I had a good time anyways. Also mines muvver and favver are sporting new hair doos.

THURDSAY Mr Husband said 'Pumpkin'- (he calls me that as a term of endearment- not because I am pumpkin shaped- well that's what he says), 'Pumpkin' he says- 'do ye know what day tis?'. I thought 'eh up- a trick question'. He knows full well I get confussed over days sometimes. But not as often as mines little sister- she is always day confussed. I had a quick glance at the calendar. 'Mmm tis Thursday I think'- I says. 'NO' he says 'think harder'. I looked at the calendar again. Tis hard to work out when Elvis is staring seductively at ye. 'Friday' I says a bit more confidently.

Again he said no. In the end, by the time I got to Thursday again  I says 'Oh for feck sake, seems like some days must be missing off this calendar. Elvis still winking at me, making me think naughty thoughts. Tis true I was getting distracted at this point. Then suddenly he says (mines Mr Husband not Elvis) 'Tis steak and BJ day'. Well I be buggered. I thought we had already had that day twice this year. 'Well' I said 'Bis had that me ol' cocker we have no steak'. Then would you Adam and Eve it- He produced two lamb steaks- that to be honest passed for beef when they was on the plate. And usually Steak and BJ day we only have a bit o' sausage. We don't push the boat out. Anyways I let him cook it. I was too tired. Spent all day running naked through a field of daisies yesterday. Well that's by the by. Then after the steak I went upstairs to find him lying naked on MY bed. MY bed. He said 'ye knows what I wants now pumpkin- I wants me Blow Job'. I said 'fair enough'. Anyways I had the hair dryer too high a setting and now he is suffering with burns. Some really nice people here at the hospital. He won't ask for that again in a hurry I don't expect.

FRIDAY- we had the agent come to do her inspection. She walked in with a camera and informed us she would be taking pictures to prove she had been here. 'Do ye want us naked?' I asked her- immediately stripping. She seemed very worried especially when mines Mr Husband asked if she wanted a selfie with him and did she want one in every room. I asked her if she still wanted us naked. She said she didn't need to stay long at all and didn't even need to go upstairs. (Good job-thats where I grows me drugs and keeps all the illegal immigrants). She wanted out quick yesterday. Good job I had rope and gaffer tape to hand me thinks.

After wards, staying with the camera theme Mines Mr Husband took me in Currys- (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame) to buy a mop. But he treated me to a new camera for me holiday for me birfday. Tis true tis not until September but I am impatient. Also I wanted birfday cake but I have to wait for that - so he says. Still new camera is brilliant. I shall do him steak for tea more often. Also I shall give him a good blow job with the hair dryer again I shall.

Also I said to him, 'they have Turkey in the Co-op'. He said 'no my little pumpkin- they have the co-op in Turkey'. Different thing all together. Well who knew?

The things going on in the world is a bit shite at the moment me ol' babbers so keep smiling and keep loving each other. Don't be bickering over stupid things. As mines Mr Husband says 'Don't sweat the petty stuff and never pet the sweaty stuff'. He be a wise ol' git.

Nipples, Sunshine and Goolies

A Week in Beth's Life................

A mixture of sunshine and showers popping up and the winds blowing a goolie or two.

 Friday - Ah had a nice shower today. Couldn't yesterday because mines Mr Husband came home from nights and sneaked in my bed and fell asleep. 'Why couldn't ye shower Beth?'  I hear ye ask. I will tell ye. Cos the shower is in the endsweethingymajig in my bedroom. I didn't want to disturb mines Mr Husband. Ye knows the saying 'let sleeping and snoring dinosaurs lay'. And he be a grumpy fecker after nights when disturbed. So in me nuddy pants with me towel in hand I went and asked the ironing board shaped person next door if I could borrow her shower. 'Feck off ye weird little naked person' she said. Personally I don't like her attitude. The family size gateaux shaped one from across the road (her with the integrated bike rack- I seen it when she bent down to tend to her tulips) she ignored me. Actually she probably couldn't see me stood behind her. The night nurse was asleep. The skinny bitch had gone jogging. So I had to come home and shower in the front garden with the hose, the fairy liquid and the loo brush. The things a gal has to do so her husband can sleep!!

Tis a good job I got a grip like a bulldog clip (as seen on National TV) because today we have to endure rain popping up. Has to hold my brolly in a very unusual place.

Tuesday: I graced the doctor with my presence yesterday. They must have prepared for my arrival. They have put in a little table and little chairs for short ass peoples. I climbed upon the big chair though because I was feeling brave. They have also removed the menus off the table- last time I was there I ordered three nicotine patches and couple of flu jabs to take out. Also they have removed the fish tank from where I usually sit. I think they done this to stop me poking the fish. The boy with the acne came in again. Well it might have been a different one. 'I see you still having a spot of trouble' I said, winking knowingly. His mother gave me a Paddington Hard Stare. Two women was yakkety yakking so much I couldn't get a word in edgeways. And I tried. (Always trying to make new friends me). So I swapped the babies over in their buggies. Somebody had a nice surprise when they got home. Yay -New Toys!! The Nurse come out and called Mrs Husband. Yep- that's right- Mrs Husband. Not mines Mr Husband. He was home in bed. But Mrs Husband (I thought surely not. That should be Mrs Wife). T'was  not mines Mr Husband, T'was nowt do with me. I think she must be in one of thems new fangled relationships. She was reading a book. I kid ye not she didn't get up and go. Just like a Husband she ignored the Nurse. The Nurse walked away. A few minutes later she returned. She called Mrs Husband again- only louder and with more authority and hint of annoyance if ye asks me. This time Mrs Husband got up and shut her book and she said 'I was just finishing my chapter'. Cheeky Mare. 'How rude -hold the rest of us why don't ye?', I said sticking me foot out in front of her so she tripped and peed her pants a little. That's also what happens to me when I trips a bit. I know, even with mines grip like a bulldog clip. Mines bladder is shot it.  Anyways I sees Dr Angry Jones. 'I am truly, truly in agony with mines back- it hurts to breathe' I tells her. 'Take painkillers' she said 'Take codeine- I can't see where the pain is'. I kid ye not I despair- I really do. I have no idea why I never thought of painkillers for pain. So I did take Codeine. Mainly because I am obedient and partly because I am in pain and now in despair. Packed with codeine  I am now like a wind tunnel. Mines Mr Husband (not to be confused with Mrs Husband- who is nothing to do with me)- came in from his night shift this morning only to be blown across the landing and is lying unconscious in his own room. I am still in pain!!

Sunday : I asked Mines Mr Husband when the internet racketeering was going to make us millionaires cos I have a few things on a shopping list that I would like- a yacht (I have already picked out the mooring up the muff), a holiday day villa, (or two), a Red Ferrari, a cake shop and some false eyelashes. You know the kinda things a girl needs. I pointed out he been doing this for mankywankydonkey years now and we still haven't gotten rich. He said he needs to attract an audience. I said 'well why didn't say ye eejit?'. Jeez- I am well good at that. I can help ye with that so I can. I tells him all ye needs to do is go up the shopping place and get naked and sing wrecking ball well whipping yer nae nae. It always attracts crowds, especially lots of people in uniforms who takes ye photograph-(I do like a uniform and a selfie). But then he said 'they are policemans- the ones in the blue uniforms and then they always arrest you and then you need bail money don't you little pickled pumpkin? And they are not selfies- they are mug shots'. So I am guessing that he won't be taking that idea up. Ye see I tries to help but he don't listen!

And one day it was National No Housework Day. Sorry Have I left it too late tell ye?  It will come round again- next year. Well I knew early that morning but I had been fantasizing about cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom for days. I don't go big on Housework- not that my house is dirty ye understand. Tis new and easy to keep clean is the skinny bitch house. Also I don't go big on conforming to National Days. Well except National Chocolate Cake Day. Or National Orgasm Day (although it has been known to come early and I have missed it cos I wasn't ready). I do observe National No Knickers day and National No bra day and National Sausage Day (as long as tis a good quality sausage). So I have been gave the skinny bitch kitchen the clean of its life. Tis been hard on me dodgy hip but hooray for me- even the toaster got cleared out of its wildlife. Spiders, woodlice and flies and such like things. Mines Mr Husband isn't happy- he likes the chewy bits. Adds texture to his toast. Well, I have to tell ye whilst I was cleaning the kitchen mines Mr Husband came over all amorous. Why? Why the Feck why? I wasn't even in the maids outfit. No- just me apron. Not like I was completely naked to the housework. If ye are wondering why do the housework naked it's so much easier  but ye must wear an apron to protect ye nipples from door catches and bleach. Last time on National No Housework day I didn't wear the apron and had to dial 999 to get me nipples freed from the toaster. Perhaps t'was just sight of me in just me apron with the jif in me hand or maybe he thought distraction would save me nipples from the toaster.  'Feck off', I says to him 'ye have all the other days and times, why today?' He looked sad and put his head down and done the puppy dog eyes thing then the cheeky fecker pinched one of me chocolate biscuits, ate it whole and went off to file his feet. Ye gods I was exhausted - I don't like this National No Housework day. They can stuff it where the sun don't shine next year.

As well as having a special tray under the seat to hide cakes and Scooby snacks my pea has a five whatsitdoodah for playing Elvis Cds. I have filled this with Elvis Cds. I find this very handy because now I can take Sing-along with Beth and Elvis on the road. On days when I think the neighbourhood needs cheering up (and days when they don't even) I am going to drive around the streets and introduce them to Sing-along with Beth and Elvis Mobile! I may even get a mention in the local paper- who knows. The Pea hosting 'Sing-along with Beth and Elvis on the go' could be coming to a street near you!!

Beth's top tip of the week :

Horseradish is good for clearing the sinus. Sat here with horseradish stuck up nose- must say it doesn't feel like its helping!

Notes to Self:

When Mr Husband appears to be having epileptic fit check to see if he just has an itch that he can't reach before dialling 999. Makes ye look silly otherwise- doesn't it???

Bum Feeling, Piri Piri Rubbing and Small Balls

Are ye all ready for a week at Beth's again?? Brace yourself Sheila as they say in outback.

Sunday : Mines Mr Husband took me in the Co-op- t'was an experience for me I tell ye and a new experience for them. Then he took me in the Country Park at bottom of our road. 'Ye don't have to lower ye voice and go down on all fours when we are in the county park just to photograph a plastic bag' said Mines Mr husband. 'It can hear or see ye and it won't run away'. (Well how does he know what I am down on all fours for??) Anyways like I says to him- 'If I don't do that and get the feckin photograph how the feck do I know its a plastic bag??' Duh. Anyways this plastic bag is quite nice- it even got eyes and a beak.

Monday: Mine's Mr Husband was bemoaning the fact it's steak and BJ day and he has had neither. 'Feckin stop yer moaning' I tells him. 'Ye had beef Bolognese for ye tea and if ye want the other I have left hair dryer plugged in on your side of the bed'. He gone to his own room whining now. Told him not to put hair dryer on hottest setting. Numpty.

Tuesday :'Get ready to go to the hospital please pumpkin' asked Mines Mr Husband today. 'I am ready' I told him. He said 'No, get dressed- I told ye before Dr wants to look at ye lump in yer neck'. I still protested. 'Tis nipply noodles out there, get dressed', he said all masterfully. Well how could I not resist. Tis true I need to keep mines extremities warm because I have thyroid thingy. So I am ready to go- I have four items of clothing - Slippers, Mittens, Nipple tassles and me bobble hat. Mines Mr Husband is sighing and tutting. But I won't be swayed- tis what I am wearing today!

When we done the hospital thing and after the nipple twirling and boobie jiggling the Dr decided it was just a naughty nymph node playing up we went to Dawlish to take photos of the baby cygnets. Mines Mr Husband took 300 and I only managed to get a few because I was hampered by a weird woman who wanted to give me her life story- from the school she attended first and then second to how she end up with Dippy Duncan and a sick parrot. Then without warning she thrust her backside sideways at me to tell me how hot her bum was. Well that was awkward! I didn't really know what the socially acceptable thing with other woman's bums being thrust in your face was. Did she want me to feel how hot it was?? What?? I don't know. What are you supposed to do? Feel it? Just Rub it. I didn't know. So I slapped it and sent her on her way. She had already noted that Mines Mr Husband would probably have a good stack of photos. I said 'so the feck would I if I weren't been feckin pestered by a arse thrusting weirdo'.

Wednesday : Mines Mr Husband gave me a sachet of Piri Piri Rub. 'What this for?' I ask. 'Tis to rub on yer Piri Piri' he said. 'Mmm, Don't like the sound of that' I says, 'sounds foreign to me- ye best rub it on ye own Piri Piri'. He spent all evening in the bathroom with a bag of frozen blackberries on his Piri Piri.

Friday: I bet ye was all thinking 'Mad Beth with the grip like a bulldog clip (as seen on national TV) be quiet'. Well mines Mr Husband is on nights so I have to be quiet or else I shall waken him. Anyways he be awake now. I been out in kitchen making truffles. Was going ok until I got to the bit that says 'Roll mixture into small balls'. I had to look around for some small balls- luckily mines Mr Husband was just passing the kitchen, although I had to feckin chase him all over the feckin house. He havin a bath now and is a huffin and a puffin and furthermore, not only but also, we have no truffles!

And before ye say -'ye missed out Thursday', I did. Ye can't expect me to have fun everyday!!!

TIts, Boob jiggling, Bushes and Lunchboxes

Diary of another week at Beths.

Tuesday : Mine's Mr Husband and I opened Frank and had a discussion. He thinks it would be helpful if I had a little job to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, mine's Mr Husband not Frank. Who the feck is Frank anyway? Tomorrow I am off to building site at end of road to offer my services. Also I can work for them as an odd carrier. I can carry bricks on me mobility walker as long as they don't want me to walk the plank it will be ok.

Monday: Well ye all knows I be having trouble with me lump. I been to the Masochist- technical term Neck lump Doctor come radiowhatsit doctor. I stripped off soon as I got in the waiting room. There was poorly peoples laying in the corridors (on beds- we not that bad here yet!). I gave them all a little poke as I walked by. Lots of moans, squeals and a couple screams. The peoples on the beds did too. The old man in the wheelchair- never moved a muscle. Think he was dead. Edna in the wheelchair who has just had her 196th birthday didn't move much too. 'How do ye know Edna just had her 196th birthday?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. She had a party popper still in her mouth and was blowing on it. I took it out. I was fearful of her disturbing the sick. Anyways according to the doctor, and they usually know these things, t'was not a party popper. T'was her oxygen. After that I didn't hear make a sound but then she didn't have her hearing aids in either so I wouldn't have. Anyways the doctor  (the radiothingymajig doctor) asked me why I was stripped off. I said 'feel my lumps'. He said put your clothes on. He was a miserable fecker. Even jiggling the boobies didn't make him smile. Although he has agreed with me and mines husband and mines dentist and mines doctor tis a lump. Tis just a nymphnode he thinks. I put mines clothes back on when I came outside- t'was very nipply noodles out there.

Also on Wednesday I realised Ben Fogle- likes to spend time with people in far away hidden places. 'He can come and live with me in my far away hidden place anytime' I says to Mines Mr Husband. He said 'We don't live in a far away hidden place'. Like I tells him- 'then I will find somewhere, somewhere hot where Ben has to keep stripping- and whats all this 'WE' Mines Mr Husband? you not invited'. He gone to his shed now. Sad really cos he don't have a shed!

Thursday : Well ye all knows I get quite excited on National Sausage day (and I do like a good quality sausage!) but today is National Packed Lunch Day- (basically same as National Sausage Day in my book). So I am off out to assess Packed Lunches in and around Devon. I may have the urge to handle one or two so I could end up needing bail money- (aw come on guys- I haven't asked ye for any for ages because I have been kinda of quite well behaved). Roll on National Orgasm Day- it came too early for me to take part last year!

Well go me! I don't do driving much these days but if mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion, constipation, accidental blue hair and part time camel toe - by her own admission) can, then I can do it too. Mines wonderful father bought me a little pea green car to get out and about. I loves it cos it got a tray under the seat to hide cake and scooby snacks. I be well made up. So I had a little trip to Ottery (mainly cos I knows me way back from there with a good degree of certaintity). I wanted the other traffic to be aware of me so I drove down the middle of the road. Few cars are ditched but hey ho- such is life. Mine is ok. I walked proudly round Ottery telling everyone 'I drove yer by meself- no help or nuffin'. I got three smiley good girl badges and a tube of smarties. I checked packed lunches (see early status- oh do keep up!!). I forget it was pension day and all they have are cocktail sausages (like the one mines other sister cooks) and shrivelled grapes. Then I spotted two work men. I thought brilliant- they always have good lunchboxes. They thought I wanted to get past. I said 'no, just checking your lunchboxes'. They seemed ok with it. Then I said I needed to have a closer inspection. You would think they understood all about close inspections. It threw them. So would like to apologise to the one that fell in the wheelie bin and the one the fell off the curb. Hope you feel better soon- and by the way- I should sue that driver of that white van- he oughta be more careful and look where hims going.

I also been a walk to the post box. All this exercise is bad for me I be sure of it. Well blow me I have witnessed extreme bush trimming in action. All the tits are in disarray! On the plus side I got chance to check out some more lunch boxes. Nasty cut that bush trimming man ended up with- he should be more in control of his equipment is all I can say. Think I need a lie down now.

Sunday: Don't know what the matter is with mines Mr Husband. We had a lovely trip out to Dorset to see mines sister the other day. I seen lots of things I could get him for fathers day. I found not one, not two but three dead badgers. A dead fox. A dead pheasant. A dead rabbit and a dead sandbag! Did he want them? No he feckin too fussy by half. I told him he ungrateful. Its the thought that counts..

Pussies and Tits are now Licked!!

A WEEK AT THE MADHOUSE

BEGINNING OF THE WEEK: Already in trouble this morning for running round the garden naked to chase that darned ginger pussy that keeps making a beeline for me tits. When Mines Mr Husband is at work he doesn't know if I am running round the garden naked or not. He said 'Don't be out there running round naked, this weather is bad for ye arferitic joints'.

Also I have been looking at the jungle line up. I don't know why they go to the all the bother of going all that way to eat testicles and grubs. They actually have cake in Australia. I know this for sure. Also I see that one half of Trinny and Susannah are going in the jungle. I don't know whether its the top half or the bottom half.

Ye know I am a great believer in not having kids if ye can't afford 'em. Good news for ye all. They got 30% of all kids at BHS this week. So ye might be able to afford one after all. Tis true, I heard on the telly.

Also I see the adverts have started for getting theeself a snow leopard or manky donkey for just £3. Tis a good idea cos they haven't put the price up. Mines Mr Husband is saying nope at the moment cos I still got three snow leopards and four wonkey donkeys from last year. Also The homeless one I bought dinner for is still here. Although he claims to be married to me- tis debatable.

Mines Mr Husband is baffled why I be sat here with a bag of frozen onion rings on me nipples. 'Mind thee own business', I told him. He insisted I tell him. 'Ok', I said 'tis cos the ibroprofen I put on thems earlier brought me face out in a rash'. He just looked at me with confusion and said 'Well if that was the case mines little pumpkin, I should have thought it would have been ye knees that comes out in a rash cos ye nipples are closer to thee knees than ye nipples'.

END OF WEEK; Well I am pleased. I seem to have this pussy versus tits problem in my garden licked with the ever so useful Mr Husband playing his part. We now have some nice willow trellis around the fence and a water pistol to dampen any would be naughty puss who thinks he can have my tits for brekkie. Mines Mr Husband thinks I will have no reason now to run around the garden in me nuddy pants but I think I may even find another reason for that..................