Tombstoning, Knickers and Sandy Cracks

You all be thinking Beth be quiet. I have been tis true. Got 'shit' I have to sort. Important Owl shit and stuff. But I can tell ye this much, whilst I am sorting the important Owl Shit I overheard mines Mr Husband on the phone to the Dr telling him he needs help getting off the crack. I was shocked. Me heart near enough stopped and corns started throbbing. So ye are all now. I was in a panic. I ran round in little circles. Mines Mr Husband is asking for help to get off the crack. I didn't know he was on Crack. Although sometimes tis true it looks like his eyes are going in different directions. And other days they looks likes lollipops on sticks. Like nipples on a cold day. Anyways after much a wailing and shouting, turns out he was just trying to find out if they could help get him outta his chair since I put that gorilla glue in his crack when he was asleep face down. He gets stuck fast on seats now. Phew. I can highly recommend gorilla glue for sticking stuff, especially butt cheeks together. Tis expensive but worth it.

Also this week me EMU cream has finally arrived so now I can put cream on me Emu. To be truthful it does have black pepper in it so I am not sure how me Emu will fair with a smattering of black pepper- but I am all for a bit of experimenting. Also been busy back and forth for days to the only place left on the planet with any panadol night time. Getting meself a fair ol stock now. That miserable ol' bint at chemist is getting a bit suspicious now. Mines Mr Husband has told me to use a disguise. So tomorrow I am wearing me sun hat and me swimming goggles and the next day I will add me snorkel. The following day I shall wear the same but leave me knickers at home. She will not know tis I.

 On Thursday mines Mr Husband took me up the land of Broadchurch (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame!) As soon as we arrived mines Mr Husband saw the face painting again. I didn't want all that tantrumming shite again so I let him be a zebra. Just for the day mind you. I not be wanting a feckin zebra hanging round me all the time. People will be thinking tis mightily odd when I go into Tesco with a Zebra in tow. Then he spotted the henna tattoos and wanted his hair braiding. I said 'noooo- you don't have any fecking hair. You be as bald as a coot'. In the end I let him have a henna tattoo of a rabbit on his bald bits cos from the distance it looks like hairs. Then he had a paddy for a bubblegum and fish and chip flavoured ice cream with curry sauce. Good job they are obliging in the ices parlour. Still he managed to get that all over his fizzhog and down his best shirt. He had to take it off. I said 'Well pink and blue check didn't go so well with the zebra look anyways'. Then soon as his shirt was off the old lady with the walking stick started rubbing her hands all over his hairy chest. 'Ooooo hairy chest- I love hairy chest' she said. Oh- hang on- that was me -yes that was my hairy chest. Then he decided he wanted to go tomb stoning. Well he didn't actually decide- I was trying to persuade him. But he was having none of it. He said Zebra's didn't tombstone- he said that as 'leapt' of the cliff edge. To be fair he did need a helping hand. Just a tiny one. Then he got chased by a lion. I said 'Told ye it was a mistake to be a feckin Zebra- not only can ye not go tomb stoning ye are prey for the lions'. Then he said he wanted a ride on the choo choo train up and down the seafront. We looked for one but alas they didn't have one. I told him they wouldn't be letting zebras on a choo choo train anyways in case they doos big doo doos. Then he started to cry and his stripes started to run. His face was such a grey mess tinged with blue from the bubblegum icecream. He looked then like an elephant with a cold trunk. 'Pull yer trousies up man' I said. Then a woman, who oughta know better started calling him elephant man. I thought he was going to cry again. I thought I better not call him that again. I thought it better if we come home. On the way back to the car he started to fart. I am sure it was the bubblegum icecream. The third time he did it I said (in my sternest dinner lady voice)  'STOP THAT'- and he said 'I would but I don't know which direction it went in'. I tell ye, I am going to think twice about going out again for the day with him...............Gone are the days when yer went to the seaside and yer just got sand in yer crack.

Menopause, Mugwump and Gorilla Glue

A week with news of a shortage of hummus and wonky asparagus. What the feck is this world coming to!

Since I applied Gorilla Glue to Mines Mr Husbands crack I haven't heard as much as a squeak from him- until now that is. 'Face down, naked, on the bed'- I ordered. He didn't need telling twice thinking he was going to get a nice massage. 'Think of nice things like sandy beaches (cos pebbles beaches are pointless to be feckin honest), calm blue waters, lapping waves, lesbians covered in chocolate'- I tells him. He starts fidgeting. 'Ok- forget the chocolate' I says. Within a couple of minutes new Gorilla Applied. 'That it?' he asks- 'a tickle of me bum?'. 'I have fitted a new silencer to yer backend'. I tells him. Was he grateful. Was he feck. No pleasing that man.

The menopause is getting the better of me. Today alone ; I have been in raptures over a leaflet from the council outlining our new recycling regime. Muchly excited at that I can tell ye ; cried at the Jeremy Kyle show and I was only switching it over (to be fair I did the same yesterday-just after I snapped me hair brush in half- and she was a lovely woman- even had teeth); told the boy in the post office I was not paying £3.70 to send a small package first class and ordered him to get the packet through his little doofer measurer especially when I could see he wasn't trying. He wanted to cry I could tell. I bet he will go home and have a break down- he was on the verge; became very assertive and told the man up the garage to pull his finger out and get me new car sorted. I am thinking I will have to go and sit on his head until he complies. (Could be his lucky day depending on whether or not its my naked day or not) ; also laughed out loud til I peed me pants at Boris calling manky wanky Corbyn a Mutton headed Mugwump; and confused the Amazon delivery man so much that when he asked what number I was I asked him why he needed to know how old I was. I'm on a roll today.

ME AND THE AMAZON MAN

Waited in all day for the Amazon Logistics Man to deliver me new Vera DVD. When the door bell finally went I was half asleep. He held the biggest parcel and asked me if I could take it in for her two doors down.

Me: Ok.

Him: Thanks- I will put a card through to tell her. What's your first name?

Me: Lucas

Him: Lucas? Is that your first name?

Me: No-

Him: You said it was

Me: I know. I don't know why I said that. Its Elizabeth

Him; Oh- Well I will just call you Liz

Me: Oh- well call me what you like it- see if I care

Him: Laughing out loud ' Call you what you like- ok'.

Me: Look, you disturbed me and I was half asleep and I was expecting my parcel. Where is my parcel? Its only a small one.

Him;' Ok, I will look for it in a minute. What number are you?'

Me: '53- Why do you need my age?'

Him: 'No- your house number'

Me: 'Oh- erm I don't know'- turning round looking for the number on the door.

Him; Oh 21.

Me: Yeah- that sounds right. Have you got my parcel. You should have a little one for me.

Him: I will go and look for it and I may be back.

Me: You better mate- I am not here just to take in everybody else's parcels you know.

Two minutes later, I kid ye not- he moves the van a couple of yards to park outside my house!!! Finally gets my parcel and I shouts out 'see I told you you had a little one for me'.

He went off laughing. Now he thinks I am mad I am sure and I am just menopausal.

Orgasm socks, Big knickers and Hats

ANOTHER WEEK IN THE CRAZY WORLD OF BETH

TUESDAY: As me holiday draws ever near I am thinking I still don't have any new knickers to accompany on me trip. Mines Mr Husband, still looking tent size knickers. I bulk at such garments. He reminds me tis very nippy up there on that there Bens Nevis. 'Tis ok', I tells him, that means it will be windy in the valley and the exposed bushes shall take a good blow through'.  He says he don't like the idea of exposed bushes at all and now he is looking at harvest festival knickers (ye know the sort- all is safely gathered in- goggy catchers me granny called them) for me. I am sure tis a lie that knickers are worn regularly north of the border. I am going to be checking under all the kilts when I get there! I we will looking for old bag and pipes and unkempt bushes.

WEDNESDAY : Mines Mr Husband and I (note the regal undertones here) watched the programme about mediation last night. Unable to believe how pathetic some people are when it comes to agreeing over the divorce thing. We said that if we ever divorced then we wouldn't be so childish. I said 'I tell ye what ye have custody of your kids and I will have custody of mine'. He thought this was a super idea. Then I said 'And we will sell this house and have 50/50 each' He thought that was an even better idea. Then he said 'The only thing I be wondering- which one of us shall tell the Landlord?'.....................mmmm tricky- trust him to find a snag.

FRIDAY : Because we have something visits our garden in the night and re-arranges the egg shell on me border I got Mines Mr Husband to rig up the CCTV so it's filming me garden. I am having a lovely day today watching the bath mats and me britches flapping about on the garden line! That's my day sorted!

SATURDAY ;I was thinking about packing my bikinis for my holiday in Scotland. I do have some now. Well I have the bottoms. Mines little sister (not the one with the issues, the day confusion, the accidental blue hair, the part time camel toe (by her own admission) and tinny titsus in her ears) - no the other one with the big boobies, well she gave me some bikinis. Well she gave me the bottoms because she don't wear them. She kept the tops because she said we could look like twins in them. Also I think it is one of thems nice gestures like the sisters necklace- you know you have half each. But we skint bitches so we have done it with bikinis. Anyways I asked mines Mr Husband 'Do thems wear bikinis in Scotland'- of course they do he said. I jumped straight up to pack mine- then he added 'when they go to the swimming pool or on holiday to Spain and sometimes on the one hot day of the year they have- they have had already had it this year my ickle pickcle'. So no bikini for Scotland. Tis settled- I shall have to go naked!

MONDAY: There I am limping round B&Q  waiting for the things we are looking for to jump out at me to save me little legs. You know the kinda things. Velcro fastening for Mines Mr Husbands crack (in case the gorilla glue wears off on holiday), u shaped nail things (for same thing) and the odd plant that will look nice in me garden- it will look nice among all the other odd plants, when Mines Mr Husband says 'are ye in pain my little luvver?' I says to him ' Of course I am - I not be limping to try to get me shopping half the price ye know- I am in pain 24/7 ye knows'. He said 'ye don't very often say it do ye? I am yours Mr Husband, ye can tell me anything ye knows. Anything ye wants. I don't mind if ye grumbles about the pain'. What a lovely ol feller he is. 'Aw that be nice I said- can I tell ye absolutely anythin?'.  'Yes- ye can tell me anything at all' he said. 'Well I said 'I got wedgie and an itchy bum I think I got a splinter in it. Will ye take a quick look?'. That was before the man up the ladder fell off.  Not allowed in there either anymore!

SUNDAY: - I said to mines Mr Husband 'Oooer tis hot in yer in it don't ye thinks? Dos thee think its hot in yer?' He said 'Yeah but yer probably hotter than I cos ye are a woman of a certain age. Ye are menopausal aren't ye'. I had to agree with him- sweat running down from me four heads it was. Then he said 'Why don't ye takes yer hat and yer scarf  and yer gloves off me ol' babbers- ye won't sweat so much and ye will feel the benefits- tis height of summer ye knows'. I tell ye he is always pissing on me chips. I was trying 'em on to see if they still fits for me trip up Ben Nevis. Ye needs to be warm up there so ye doos. I be worried if I takes 'em off I will have growed out of 'em before I gets there and then I will be up there and puts them on in the first time since June and then they won't fits. He don't appreciate the planning that goes into a holiday that man!

THURSDAY: I made a video about the Orgasm Socks- ye can view it yer if ye needs to know about them or if ye got ten minutes to spare. Don't watch it if ye are prone to blushing or swooning. I don't want any of ye coming over all necessary on my blog. I don't want any of ye coming all over my necessary blog either!! Copy and paste one or both of the following links- but not a the same time................

https://youtu.be/bhY1Y5dYnY4
OR here  https://www.facebook.com/the.sex.kitten1

Cockchafers, Cockahoops and Cock Muppets

This Week at the Crazy House:

Excited muchly as this week was our Spring holiday. Mr Husband has taken me here, there and everywhere. He will take me feckin anywhere. He has no shame that man. We went to Brixham in the pea- only one day. I think mines Mr Husband couldn't stand the Beth and Elvis sing-a-long all the week. I did notice on the sticky thing on the steering wheel, you know the one that tells people if we are going left or right, or if we are going to clean the windows etc, mines Mr Husband has found it turns Elvis down. He so didn't account for me to continue Beth and Elvis sing-a-long without Elvis. The rest of the week we went out in his Jag. Mines Mr Husbands Jag- not Elvis's. Elvis wouldn't let us. So this was the week:

Saturday: Mines Mr Husband was sleeping face down when I went in this morning to make sure he hadn't died in his sleep or anything. I noticed his bum had a crack in it. All mended now with gorilla glue.

Well Mr Husband has found out about Gorilla Glue Gate- He has read my facebook status. Not happy. 'Stop playing with ye bum ye dirty fecker', I said. 'Go wash ye hands'. Now he is going a funny purple colour. I hope he don't explode. I have cleaned up this morning!

Having a Beth and Elvis Sunday Special Sing-a-long. Ye probably think I am obsessed with Elvis. Yesterday I did Beth and Ronan Keating Sing-a-long, and sometimes I do Roy Orbison or Robbie Williams. Mines Mr Husband is going to know Elvis songs inside out be the time we get to top of Scotland and back in a few weeks time. He, (MMH- not Elvis) is sat on sofa as we speak with a face like a constipated prune and very much the same colour as well, wriggling from side to side, huffing and puffing trying to dislodge the Gorilla Glue. He is googling 'how to remove gorilla glue from cracks' and other such stuff. He will be lucky- I used the whole tube!

Monday: Day one of our Spring Holiday Well Beth, Elvis and the pea took to the road for a singalong to Steve and his ear drums. He drived us. He took me to Brixham to Bury a Head but I didn't see him Bury a Head but we did go up a cliff. Tis Ok- I didn't climb it up the side or anything. Although I didn't see him with me all the time, so who knows. He bit sulky today- he walking a tad funny- re; the gorilla glue in the crack. Anyways Some tit told me there was dolphins in the Brixham harbour so we dashed down there. Not a feckin sausage! Anyways did get pictures of a seal having lunch. T'was a fine display. Tomorrow we are going on a nature trail. Mines Mr Husband is looking out for a cockchafer. We have one at home I am sure somewhere but no- he wants to find one on the nature trail. Him and his nature trails.

Tuesday  - morning ; Today guys Mines Mr Husband wants to take me on a nature trail (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame I tell ye). Do ye know why he wants to take me on a nature trail? To look for a cockchafer nonetheless. Well I am expecting it to be in the bush somewhere. I thought mines little sister said she had one of these in her bedroom - but I suspect she bought hers from Anne Summers. Anyways If I find one I will send you photographs.
P.S. I think Mines Mr Husband may be planning on us going in the jag- it doesn't have a five cd thingy to listen to Elvis- however I have a plan and some solo beats!!!

Tuesday- Evening: Ye are all wondering how the search went for the cockchafer I bet. Well I tell ye- Mines Mr Husband wanted to take me on a nature trail but I wanted to go and see the dolphins. So back to Brixham we went. Not a feckin Dolphin in site. Even the seal told us to feck off – he did his party trick yesterday. Then we went up to Torquay. I saw a family size gateaux from Iceland shaped person sat on three seats. I said 'lets talk about your cake intake me dear'. That's when the fight broke out. Mines Mr Husband said that it was clearly my fault for taking the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped persons cake out of her hand. I was only trying to help her. Ye gods ye gets no fanks for nuffin these days. We sat next to an old man who, when he got up, farted so loud and so triumphantly that he killed three seagulls on the seawall outright and a poor old dear on a mobility scooter keeled over. 'Tis the Germans', she shouted, 'tis chemical warfare', she cried. I picked her back and told her 'tis alright me ol' babbers- T'was just an ill wind from that ol' gits arse'. Also got involved in a drive by shooting. I shot the entertainment at a local pub because he sounded like he was having his pubic hairs on his nether regions plucked one by one. Anyways Mines Mr Husband says drive by shootings don't count with a water pistol and a banana. I wanted to go to the ByGones museum but we was already GoneBy it when I noticed it. And ye are all waiting to know if we found the Cockchafer. We did. Well I see It. Sat outside the same pub we had our dinner- there for everyone to see, wearing the teeniest tiniest shorts ever and legs a kimbo- proudly presented to all and sundry. I am glad Mines Mr Husband had his back to it. I never told him I could see it. I am his wife and I have to protect his heart and his blood pressure. Anyway T'was not a pretty site and I nearly choked on me chips. I tried to take a picture of it for ye all cos I promised. But we got frowed out and they called me a pervert. We having a quiet day tomorrow- Mr Husband got sunburnt on his face and on his bald patch and now he looks like a giant tomato. He needs to sit in the fridge now.

Wednesday: Today was shopping day- or as I call it- Naked Tesco Twerking day. Spent all day yesterday looking for the cockchafer. Spent all day today avoiding cock muppets. Now mines Mr Husband wants sex in a lay-by at teatime. He said he wants cockavan for tea. I presume he will be happy with sex in the jag cos we don't have a van.
Thursday: Staying with the cock theme today. I am cock-a-hoop. Seems like Johnny Depp is back on the market. Yay- I am in with a chance again! Must surely be my turn be now. Also today- Mines Mr Husband has been eager for me to try my mobility scooter out- so this was what we did tonight. I didn't want to make a showy display- I wanted to be inconspicuous- so I went naked. Nobody noticed. However I was worried about me nipples catching in the wheels. At first I was afraid, I was petrified! But T'was OK. I had hubby by my side. Once I got the hang of it he was running to keep up with me. I think I may do this everyday now- he will be slim and fit in no time!! A Beth Top Tit for all mobility scooter users: Stay off the paths and the roads- you can have sooooo much more fun off road and through the parks. Gave a few dog walkers a run for thems money tonight so I did!!! Got a get Mines Mr Husband Stiff now. Stiff drink that it is. One rooiboos tea coming up!!

Friday: Boiling water poured on Gorilla Glue don't shift it- so it seems!! I can thoroughly recommend Gorilla Glue. Be warned if used to mend cracks can turn ye husband blue!