Sex In Tents, Tight Holes and Alternative Facts.

Tis been another busy week at Beths- a bit of this and a bit of that. Something to take ye mind off the turmoils of the world.


MONDAY: I missed sex intents last week but according to my stars I am getting a second chance at sex intents this week and their is a square in your anus and also I am going to invest with someone in a financial thing and I am going to get engaged and he will find joy in my happy place. I knew it- I feckin knew- Johnny Depp is on the way...........

TUESDAY: If ye don't farts ye internally combusts. So go on- ye knows he wants to- Let It Go.....even if ye are on the tube or on a bus or in a queue. Brought to you by Beths top tits and alternative facts!

WEDNESDAY: I was off out this morning me ol babbers. I had a bit of a doodah with a knob last night and it came right off in me hand. I can't understand it- I am usually very good with knobs. Still at least it wasn't the landlords this time. I pulled that off when I moved in and that was when we had to buy gorilla glue- and ye all know what I am like with gorilla glue. This knob can't have gorilla glue though so off we go to Argos. And if I am extra lucky Dunelm cos we will be very close.

THURSDAY:  I went going to see Dr Angry Hard Jones this morning. I told ye I got dressed in the dark and ended up with half me naughty Santa outfit on. Well bugger me if when I got to the surgery the receptionist wasn't dressed like a feckin xmas tree. I chatted to her for twenty minutes about me Elf - everything from Piles to Corns and told her me most intimate stuff- Ye knows stuff ye can tell ye mother. Then the Dr called me and asked why I had a half a naughty Santa costume on. I said 'that's rich coming from someone who has a receptionist dressed as a Christmas tree'. She says they don't have a receptionist today- that is the Christmas tree- the caretaker has got round to taking it down yet. I tells her 'I wondered why she didn't kick off when Mines Mr Husband squeezed two of her baubles'. (Also the woman in the post office asked I had left the reindeer outside. What's all that about!!)

Anyways the good news is that Dr Angry Hard Jones says that tis ok for me to get naked in Tesco and Sainsbury's but probably not Waitrose. It seems having the menopause is a legit reason to strip off. Well she didn't use them exact words- she said something about less clothes. Same thing.

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband has been on the first aid doodah thingy at work. Tis a requirement. He has told me what they learned what to do with burns and cuts and fits and what not. He tried to test my extensive knowledge:

Him: What do you if someone has a burn
Me: Put it under water (drowning not really acceptable- depends on who)
Him: What you do if someone is cut thems self?
Me; Put it underwater (see above re: drowning)
Him: What you do if someone is having a fit
Me: Put them underwater (same drowning rules apply)
Him: You can't say put everything in water.
Me: Sounds acceptable to me.
Him: What if someone is having a panic attack?
Me; Find carrier bag and put over head (theirs) then slap them hard
Him: What if someone is choking?
Me: Throw water at them and distract them
Him: I don't suppose you know what to do with anyone having a heart attack then?
Me: Bring towels and water?
Him: That’s when someone is giving birth
Me: How would you know- they are both painful in equal measure
Then I said to him 'Worries me in case you had a heart attack at work and no-one was there at night and you was alone. You could die'
He said 'I could do that alone in that back bedroom on my own'
Me: You are still not sleeping in my room
Him: How would you know if I was having a heart attack
Me: I would find out sooner or later like when I didn't get me cuppa tea the next morning.
Him: What would you do if you found me having a heart attack?
Me: Tell you to cough (I read it on interwebs- alternative fact!)
Him: I don't think that’s legit first aid. What else would you do?
Me: Ring 111 to see what they think
Him: No 999.
Me: Ok. If you think it is serious enough. Then I will put kettle on and make tea and look for insurance policy.
Him: Is that it? Make tea?
Me: Yes and have cake- no point in panicking- we didn't win two world wars by panicking. Anyway I watch 999 what’s your emergency and you are not supposed to do anything to anyone having a heart attack.
Him: Unless their heart has stopped. And then what will you do? Supposing my heart has stopped?
Me: Well not a lot I can do in that case is there. Make a cup of tea, and look for the insurance policy. And cake.
Him: What about 999 and CPR?
Me: What about tea and cake?
Him: No
Me: Water on it? Towels?
He went to bed shaking his head and rolling his eyes. I thought he was having a fit so I slapped him and threw a bottle of water at him. Now he has a lump on his head.

SATURDAY: We had a new sideboard. I watched from a distance. Mines Mr Husband doesn't, on account of being a man (he is I checked- well I sneaked a peak when he was in the shower), doesn't usually do instructions. I was, to be honest, expecting to end up with a sideboard, a coffee table and a flat cap. I mean a cat flap. After much huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning and a flurry of words like 'this hole is too small and this thing is too stiff' and even a 'go away and mind your own business' (to me!! HOW RUDE)- we have a sideboard and coaster. I was a bit disappointed we didn't get a coffee table and if we had of had a cat he would be sorely disappointed we didn't get a cat flap. If any of the neighbours were listening I do hope they realise that a new sideboard was being constructed - I don't want them thinking Christian Grey had come to visit.

And sadly still no sex intents. Maybe next week if the mood hasn't passed.

Twerking Vicars, Elfs on Shelfs and Intense Sexual Encounters

Ye probably all been wondering why I haven't done me blogs. I have not forgotten ye. I have been having a few rough rides with me elf. Tis largely cos he can't see over the steering wheel. Should have left him on the shelf. Talking of Elf's they have some going cheap in Dunelm. I am going to buy one each for everyone's birthday this year. Sorted! Who wouldn't want an elf for their birthday?

Anyways here is the blog of two weeks.

SUNDAY BEFORE: I am not one to moan on blogs about being poorly- none of ye come to me page to here mines moans. Mines Mr Husband says he likes to hear mines moans but that's a different thing all together. Anyways I am having a few rough days- I couldn't tell ye what tis wrong with me but me temperature is up and down more often than a whores drawers on a Wednesday in the Odeon. Mines legs are as foggy as me head and won't hold me up. Mines blood pressure keeps dropping so far down I can't reach it. Mines Mr Husband keeps coming into the bedroom to give a poke. When I say he keeps coming to give me a poke- I mean with a cattle prod to ensure I am still alive. When I say a cattle prod tis the cane outta me tomato plants. Dunelm keeping ringing to see if I need anything cos I haven't been in for a couple of days. Don't ye all be thinking I am not caring about ye all, because I am. Anyways today Mines Mr Husband is at work and I am left alone. If I had the energy I would run with scissors. Instead, it will be me, bed and Elvis. If ye haves read my book please head across to Amazon and leave me a little review. Preferably a nice one. Push me up the rankings and give me some encouragement to write the follow up- when me blood pressure is better of course.

MONDAY BEFORE: I am feeling sorry for the people who was in thems houses in Turbanmaninstan when the airplane landed on them. And the people in the airplane too. Thems planes comes over the house here because we live on the precisepiss of the airport. I know all the colours of the pilots eyes. Bloodshot red. (Tis the booze and the long hours). They comes so low over here and I says to Mines Mr Husband 'I wish thems feckers wouldn't fly so low- it turns my blood to lamp oil'- and he says 'They have to fly this low so they can take off and land- what else do ye suggest? That they just drop from 30000ft straight on to the runway?'. I says 'yes- anything is better that flying past my bedroom window and winking at me with bloodshot eyes'. Think I will write to the airport and suggest it.

TUESDAY BEFORE: I have blue hands. Tis called Cyanosis. Cyan for blue- osis because they needed to put something on the end to identify you from printer ink. Mines Mr Husband says it is pronounced SIN-OSIS. Thats because he is a know-all. Sin also is what describes me. Perfect. However, the down side to look like a feckin smurf, and whilst it matches me cardigan, is that it means I have a problem with circulation. Mines Mr Husband wants me to see the Dr (easier said than done but we can try). Every night he takes my blood pressure. Mines Mr Husband not the Dr. (We have already established its hard to see him.)This is why I have none left- every night he takes it. 'Bring it feckin back' I say. Last night he says 'your blood pressure should not be 86/63- I am worried.' 'Ah, don't ye be worried' I said, 'We all gotta die of someat- and when I do ye needs to read the book to know what I wants'. He said 'well I am worried but I have to be up early in the morning so I am going to retire to my room'. He goes all posh sometimes. Then he says 'Don't die whilst I am gone'. I tells him 'Well I will try not to but if I dies in me sleeps I won't know will I?'- And then he genuinely says this 'For Fecks sake woman- stop complicating the issue'. So I stayed awake most of the night. I may go back to bed when I have had a cuppa tea.

Make him read book if I dies Please.

WEDNESDAY BEFORE: Well they have a new a slimming world doodah round here at the wotsit centre. 'Why don't ye go along?' says mines Mr Husband. 'Will get ye out the house and ye might make a few friends'. I thought 'well, I could- he be right'. So I been this morning. I gave it a lot of thought. I went in Co-op first whilst I was finkng about it. Then I stood outside the wotsit centre and looked inside in. There they all was. All the cake shaped persons on the estate. Sat there. Looking miserable as sin. So I stood there looking at them. Feeling sorry for them. Then I got a mars bar out and ate it-right there in front of them. Then I had another. I was there waving me mars bar about. And then I waved me muffin at them. They all started waving back and smiling.Eventually the woman person who was in charged drawed the feckin curtains. Bitch. Anyways I went back to co-op and bought a couple of dozen cup cakes. I waited til all these cake shaped persons comes out and gives them a couple cup cakes each. Mines Mr Husband was right. I have made some new friends. I think I will do this slimming world thingy every week from now on. That was fun!!

FRIDAY BEFORE:  I wished a very Happy Birthday to my gorgeous 56 year old husband. See how I sneaked in that 56 there. He was 56 that day and he doesn't look a day older. I took him to Brixham yesterday - I too will take him anywhere on his birthday cos I have no shame and today if he is really lucky I will take him in mines muvvers. I didn't manage to find him any deaded animals- only one last week and he made me put it back because it was only a half a one and we didn't know what it was. We thought we would end up putting it in the wrong drawer in the freezer. Yesterday I said to him 'would ye like venison for ye tea?'- He said yes, he is a partial to venison. Then it turns out it was harder to find than I thought. But as luck would have it I spotted three venison creatures at the side of the road. 'STOP'- I shouted at the top of telegraph hill (Hill- not pole- I am not that fit)- 'Road kill ahead'. He said 'where'- I said there- three venison's'. Then he pissed on me chips and he said 'they are still alive- they are grazing'. I told him we should hang around for a bit because they would surely be road kill sooner or later or he could have let me take the wheel. But no- sailing past we went! So burger and chips and without the burger for him.

SUNDAY: Well according my stars this week I am going to feel like reaching out and touching people. I say tis the other way about if this mornings naked trip to tesco was anything to go by. 'Ooooh nipples' thems policemans was saying when I poked thems eyes out.

MONDAY: Am I the only woman in the world to have her chopping boards placed in rotation order by her husband so they all get equal use (despite two of them being 7 years old at least)? #itsmykitchen.

Also I did give Mines Mr Husband specific instructions on cooking the dinner. 1 teaspoon of all spice. He thought I said old spice and now you can only guess what dinner today tastes like. However it smells delicious. So he has something going in his flavour.

TUESDAY : Well having established some rules in the kitchen with Mines Mr Husband- re; chopping board rotation #itsmykitchen- I told him 'Rotate thee socks and knickers if ye likes- but leave my kitchen out of it'- I decided to do some booby jiggling around Crankbrook. Sadly 'twas too foggy for anyone to see so 'twas very ineffective and pointless. Well not quite pointless if ye gets my drift- 'twas a bit nipply out there. Mines Mr Husband has promised to take me in Halfords tomorrow (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame!) and I am having some halogen fog lamps fitted!

If there is one thing I have learned today it's not to twerk naked at the vicar. She hates it!

WEDNESDAY: I love these beautiful frosty sunny Tuesday mornings. Shame I woke with a squidgy head and the whole world was covered in little orange dots. WTF is all that about?
Today I am starting a month of bone broths in an attempt to heal myself and hopefully rid myself of this crappy illness. Getting the bones could be a challenge - ideally they have to be from anti-biotic free bodies. Mines Mr Husband says 'where ye gonna find them then mines little lunatic?'- Well I said 'You have never had any anti-biotics have you?' ('Tis true he hasn't and apart from his gammy knee and his high blood pressure he is a healthy dude!). Anyways he has now gone into hiding. Please check ye sheds and if ye finds a naked shaking Mr Husband please reason with him and bring him back to me! I have broth to make.

FRIDAY:Today I went to Exmuff. I went into the butchers and asked him for a bone. He said he didn't have one - I lifted my top and jiggled mines boobies. And wouldn't ya just know it - he did have a bone for me after all. Lamb nonetheless. Thats me bone broth for next week sorted.

Then I went into the charity shop and asked the man in there if he had a Woody. He said no. I lifted me jumper and jiggled mines boobies. Still he had no Woody. Some men are harder than others - to get to co-operate that is. Then I asked him if he had a potato head and he burst into tears. I am not allowed back in there. Still searching for Woody for my little nephew. And I thought Toy story was popular.

Then outside Holland and Barratt they had people asking you to donate organs. I am not sure why they picked a health shop. Anyways I have donated all MMr Husbands organs. (I am quite attached to mine!)

Then I bought a nice pot for me sister. She didn't have one to piss in but now she has.

A partially successful day all round.

SATURDAY: Well today I am a bit disappointed. My stars said I was going to have an 'in tents sexual encounter' with a passionate man. I was looking forward to this. I have wandered around all of the local camp sites looking for a tent with Johnny Depp in or Robbie Williams (I see on instagram he was on holiday) but no one is even got a tent out there in this weather. I think that forecast was wrong. To be fair Mines Mr Husband say one day 'Wow, You are one hot babe'. I said 'I know, tis feckin menopause' (Or it could be an infection!). Then I realised he was looking at the computer and in video conference with Beyonce.

Also Amazon are going to start delivering parcels by drone. I think this is because they are on to me Re: tied up parcel men under the stairs. Also I am not keen on standing in the garden in the cold naked (what other way is there to receive a delivery than naked?) craning my neck waiting for a drone. I have Octopus New Roger don't they know and it feckin hurts looking up.

Anyways today is Sing along with Beth and Elvis Naked Dancing day. Fat Slimy Git who steals other peoples promotions is playing silly shits with Mines Mr Husbands shifts and so today I am left to my own devices. I will not be running with scissors. I did that last week. Now hers across the road got a fringe that matches mine. Only hers is lower down. Much lower down. That's what happens when a short arse (me) runs with scissors in the street. If ye wonders why I keep running down the street naked blame the hot flushes.

Off to put mines Elvis on and take mines clothes off.

Revolutions, Polished Knobs and Karchared Cracks

Glad to say Christmas is behind us now- only another 51 weeks until the next one- unless we end up nuked by then by the loonies who now in charge of the world. So what ye be up to Beth I hear I ask. Well this is it- hang on to yer hats and get yerself a coffee- or a Baileys if ye haves any left:

SUNDAY: First I done me new years Revolutions:

Find New Supermarkets to try the Naked Wrecking Ball Routine. Practice twerking and whipping Nae Nae.

Find Shops with managers who are more tolerant to the above.

Keep up the Sing along with Beth and Elvis. Throw in a bit of 
Robbie for good measure. Get more Elvis and Robbie CDS. Lawfully.

Get new nail scissors to do fringe.

Practice fringe cutting more so it don't look like the toddler next door has been let loose with the hedge trimmer on it. 
Practice on passers by if necessary.

Write more books.

Find fresher dead animals for Mr Husband (stop him whinging so much)

Buy more orgasm socks- have more orgasms (but not in Tesco as don't want to be arrested)

Get in shape. Cake shape is good. Keep scales hidden- they are dangerous to your mental health and they tell lies.

Go to the gym more often- watch the hunks working out. 
Remember to take money for chocolate.

This year don't get into trouble for being in relationships with hunky men. Well, I mean, don't get caught stalking.

Try harder not to fart when the osteopath bends ye in half. Clench them buttocks Beth.

Be nicer to the neighbours, except the skinny bitch next door. It is perfectly acceptable to ram her front door sideways up her rectum if she continues to slam it. No law against it.

Remember a daily glass of Baileys is good for you. Packed with calcium and calcium is good for your bones.

Trim bush more regularly. No good having bush envy all the year when you see the neighbours have perfectly neatly trimmed bushes if ye don't make an effort with ye own.

Buy new over shoulder bolster holders to stop nipples sparking on pavement.
END OF REVOLUTIONS.

MONDAY:Tis nice to see so many people starting the year positive. I am no exception. First positive thing to put in me positive jar- I survived another apocalypse. Yay- go me!!

Today, with it being the first day of a new year and all such stuff, I am going to polish up all me knobs. One likes to start the new year with newly polished, shiny knobs. Yen I am going to suss out this living in Japan business- well I am off to get some seaweed. Same thing.

Note to self: Don't get the instructions 'Wrap your tinsel round me baubles mixed up with wrap your tonsils round me ball balls.'

TUESDAY: Feeling Amused and Pleased: I am simply in love with my new Karcher washer. It gets mould out of cracks and crusty bits off knobs. I waited until Mines Mr Husband was bent over and on went the Karcher.................... One clean- if a little surprised husband. All clean and ready for new application of Gorilla Glue. When he gets back from the hospital. Apparently you aren't supposed to do colonic irrigation at home. Well who knew?
Mmmm What to Karcher today?

WEDNESDAY: Steam cleaned in between Mines Mr Husbands toes with the Karcher yesterday. He said he doesn't know what to do with himself. He is so Karchered he can't sit down and he can't stand up. Currently crawling round on his knees. Shame really cos I was just about to do his belly button with it.

 THURSDAY: When I visit mines Muvver and Mines Favver tis very difficult to get a signal on my mobile doodah. Tis true signal is crap out in the sticks in thems house. Tis a well known fact. Well tis mostly well known to them. Finally after many years I have cracked it. I stand naked and on me head in the far corner with one leg out the window and t'other up the chimney and wiggle all me all toes. 'Do ye get a better signal then Beth I hear ye ask?'  Well to be honest with ye no it don't. But I can't send texts or make phone calls when I upside down and freezing me arse off.

FRIDAY: I like GP's behind closed doors. Although I think ours is more interesting. Well when I go it is. I gee them along and have a sing song. Last night though, whilst toasting with a glass of Bailey's to the young man who got dry from alcohol and turned his life around and I had tears in my eyes for the old dear who was told she could not have a slice of cake a day. No one needs to be told to cut the cake out or even cut the cake! No one needs this kind of negativity. Also Mines Mr Husband has hidden the Karcher after I steamed cleaned his bald patch. Don't know what I will do today. I just bought four new nozzles for it.

SATURDAY: Well, yesterday afternoon, I was just sitting there minding me own business- like you do and Mines Mr Husband suggested that I get one of my five a day. I said I was sure I didn't know what he was on about. He said 'they begin with ''F''  so they do'. Well that didn't take me long to work out- I was up over the stairs and stripped off naked and on the bed before you could say 'Jumping Jack Sprat'. 'I will be waiting up here for one of my five' I shouted. To be honest I thought five fecks a day were a bit ambitious at our times of life. A few minutes later I hear him coming up over the stairs,  and fully clothed too- and then he left a bowl of fruit salad by the bed for me and went back to his computer. What's all that about then??

AND FINALLY.......BETHS FIRST TOP TIT OF THE NEW YEAR- Don't put up Christmas trees and trimmings- then ye don't have the hard work of takings them down again. You're welcome.

Dicks, Pickles and Road Kill

I could be making ye all a video to say the Happy New Year thing but I not be very good at that. So first of all did ye have a good xmas?

Mines Mr Husband bought me a dick thingy for christmas for me to talk to at night. If I wakes up in the night I can talk to it. I can tell it to remind me to get pickle or a toilet brush or whatever. Then its supposed to talk back to me. And type on my computer. I haven't figured that out yet. Also when he is at work and I am lonely I can do it too.

I was going to get Mines Mr Husband a present from the side of the road on the way to me sisters. They have better deaded things out there. He didn't want them. Then we managed to kill one ourselves. Well not strictly true- the man in front did but it attached itself to my pea because it wanted to come home with us. Sadly when we got home there was only a feather left. I told Mines Mr Husband to get it whilst it was still fresh. But oh no not him. Fussy arse. And it has broken my pea underneath all for nothing. Still got him a nice left training shoe and a pink cardigan. (It will wash).

I could let facebook sort out the past year highlights but last year it picked up the highlight of my year was wearing me knickers inside out and back to front.  I got in that pickle cos I don't wear them often to be honest.

I like to think about what I learned. I am not too old to learn. I learned if ye are patient ye can photograph the woodpecker and the kingfisher. But not together. Why not? I hear ye ask- because they are in different places I tell ye.

I learned that the lochness monster DOES exist- I seen the ripples in the loch where he had just come to see me. I learned that Dolphins, Cows with fringes, Eagles and Dolphins and Otters are a myth in Scotland and that Scotsmen are coy about letting you look up their skirts. I also learned it its raining in Scotland and Yorkshire ye see feck all! I also learned that their water falls are right slippery. I learned that the hard way.

I learned it is not just Tesco who chuck you out for doing the naked wrecking ball routine. All supermarkets seem to have this ridiculous policy. I also learned all the police stations in the area of pictures of me naked. Perverts.

I learned if ye finds a bag of doughnuts under a bush they are probably still good to eat and saves ye a fortune.

I learned some people will always be fucknuggets and others cockmuppets. Some will always be misery arses and some will always be control freaks. They take offence at the slightest thing, they make things up in their heads and tell others you are hurting them when you haven't even said anything. But that's ok- they still got things to learn. I just hope they do it somewhere else next year.

Best of all I learned the Angels, when pestered enough, make things happens for you and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had to turn the fecker on meself mind you and then the angels did the rest. All will be ok. Do you hear me? ALL will be ok. Unless the end of the world comes again tonight. Then we are all fecked.

Next year I hope to go to Japan- tis quiet and clean and neighbours respect each other. Sounds good to me. Alas Mr Husband will not be able to come there- he likes to fart in public and they don't be liking that in Japan.

So Happy New Year to ye all. And don't forget to get me new book!!!!

Chest and Nuts Roasting By an Open Fire...........

You all be thinking I been quiet. Well not quite. I had been busy pushing my new book- SO IS THIS HEAVEN? Me, Elvis and Facebook. What ye means ye didn't know. Quick- get yerself to Amazon before January 5th and get yerself a copy half the price it will be in January. Free delivery if ye spends ten squids.  Ye won't be disappointed I tells ye.

Well we had a reasonable Christmas- although t'was true we had to travel yer, ther, and everywher.  At home 'twas just me and he. Roasting chest and nuts be an open fire. Singed bits all round. On the plus side Mines Mr Husband bought me a dick thing that I can talk into. This will come in handy when I am left alone when he goes to work.

Well according to my stars I was to have a frisky Christmas and a wonderful night with a lover. I thought Johnny Depp is coming round. Still waiting. Also I must say since I have had me lug holes cleared out I can hear so much better. I can hear her three doors down eating her Mr Husbands nuts now.

I waited for a parcel to be delivered Friday. Well three.. Yodel  brought one of them. They text me to say that they would be delivered before 9pm. Also there were 65 to be delivered before mine. I know I am no Carol Vorderman but I did some calculations and worked out that mine would be 66th. They have to deliver a parcel every three minutes according to mines Muvver. And she knows this stuff. She watches a lot of telly. I did some more calculations and this means mine would be delivered sometime later precisely. Yay- I had time to go to the loo without worrying that that will be the precise time he would knock the door. I do like a poop in peace. I also worked out that there should have been three delivery men. However, there were only two. So there is a space under me stairs still going begging..............

They got a Christmas tree by the shops here in Crankbrook. I did see it I did when I when I went to the Co-op. It has lots of presents round the bottom. Well I mean it HAD lots of presents round the bottom of it. On a different note I am happy. I got lots of presents for Christmas this year for myself.

I wonder why they never had any decorations on that tree. I bet some fecker stole them.

I seen all my lovely children. Mines Girl bought us something to share. A necklace and ear rings set. Mines Mr Husband is having the ear rings. I am going to pierce is nipples when he is asleep. If ye wonders what else happens to his nipples when he is asleep ye needs to buy my book so ye do.

Also her over the road trimmed up her bush with fairy lights. 'Twas all twinkly all over the festive period. And her down by muvvers she went and done her bush up to look like a xmas pudding. 'Tis true- me muvver took a picture of it. I do hope she don't going pouring brandy on it and setting it alight. 'Tis not good to have a burning bush. I had that once. The Doctor had to give me some cream for it.

I am going to do something nice with my bush next year.

Anyways me ol' cockers hopes ye all haves a nice 2017 and I can bring me little adventures to you all the time. Ye will all like that.

SO IS THIS HEAVEN?

HERE IT IS GUYS

You can buy the new Kindle edition of my new book SO IS THIS HEAVEN at an Amazon near you.

You can read it on any device, phone, tablet or pc if you download the FREE kindle app from Google Play Store.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/SO-THIS-HEAVEN-Elvis-Facebook-ebook/dp/B01N2SHA9M/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1481488908&sr=8-2&keywords=elisabeth+lucas


Don't forget to leave reviews and tell all your friends.



Much love to you all 

Mad Beth

YAY- GO ME!!!!

New Books, Elvis and Fetishes.

Ye all be wondering what been happening here I bet. I am wondering how that woman on the Ikea advert copes with a kid with a lamp fetish. No wonder she gotta work all hours- I bet her lamp and electric bill is massive.

Also I been very busy with my new book, SO IS THIS HEAVEN? Me, Elvis and Facebook. Up and down on Kindle faster than a whore's drawers or a brides nightie.

So we are here just waiting now for the edited Kindle version to go live and the paperbook to be reviewed.

As soon as we have news that it is ready for buying I will tell ye.

This is the synopsis:

Clementine, an avid Elvis fan is celebrating her 50th birthday. She has balloons, she has trifle, she has chocolate cake. And Party Poppers.

She is also at home. Alone.

Then tragedy strikes. Singing at the top of her voice she chokes on a party popper. She could never distinguish between sucking and blowing so Hector her husband always said. Now she is dead. Hector comes home to find her lying on the kitchen floor- naked and covered in chocolate and very dead.  

Her death raises so many questions.

·     Will she ever get to Heaven?

·     Will she meet Elvis for a sing a long?

·     Will she ever get a harp?

·     Will she ever find the cloud with the Philadelphia Cheese and Crackers?

Follow Clementine on her hilarious spirit adventures as she struggles with leaving her husband Hector on earth with her Elvis CDs and her Marmite.

It can only lead to one thing...... Side splitting Laughs and Ghostly Goings On.....................

 So if you want to go on this adventure with Clementine make a note to watch out for it on an Amazon near you. You will be able to buy it for a special price between now and New Year when the price will be much more. And please, please leave me a review if you do. 

Cake, Pet Mats and Orgasm Socks

Just before we was going to bed last night mines Mr Husband asked me 'Could ye eat a nice pole?'- I said  'I don't know any poles'. He said 'no- I didn't be saying that- ye aren't listening are ye?- I said could ye eat an ice pole- the frozen sort'. I said to him  'Oh no, you haven't been running round the garden again with no trousers on have ye cos t'will be more like a frozen pea than an ice pole'. He called me rude and went to bed. I don't know where he gets his ideas from. Me - rude!!

I have just been taken in Dunelm by Mines Mr Husband- he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame!! We saw a tin that said CAKE- I lifted the top. Liars- no cake at all. Very disappointed. Then in the next Mines Mr Husband 'Look mines little fruitcake..............' I said  'Don't ye mention cake where I am at the moment. I am still reeling from the disappointment of the last aisle'. So he said 'Look Mines little Pumpkin - A Furry Pet Rug- do ye wants one?' I said 'No- cos ye will only argue with me over who will take it for walks'. Also just above it was Pet Bowls. I would rather have a nice little dog if I am to have a pet. They got nice things in Dunelm but I didn't see it all. Mines Mr Husband said that he was in a bad mood today- so I didn't want to push me luck or he might piss on me chips. Also the pea behaved reasonably well........ perhaps it loves me after all.

Well that's one thrilled and traumatised delivery man this morning- he gets me naked (apart from me orgasm socks) leaning out the window telling him I am coming- and I turn around to see Mr Husband halfway down the stairs to open the door- also naked (minus the orgasm socks because he doesn't have them- orgasm socks that is) and shouting I'm coming and the pet bed, complete with pet bed noises, running along the hall to join in! That'll teach ye delivery man for waking us up at an ungodly hour. I mean who the feck is up at 8.30 on a Monday morning.!

I haven't given ye a Beths top tit for ages. Ye might find this useful this week with this weather. If ye decides to bury any bodies under ye patios make sure they nice and deep down and the slabs are well in place. This rain just washes them back up otherwise. I may know this from experience and I may not. Also you may need an umbrella this week.

Naked, Beards, and Crayons

Ramblings from Beths Corner of the world this week.

 I was doubled up in excruciating pain for four hours. I rang Mines Mr Husband 'Come home quick and take me to the hospital' I cried. 'What is the matter mines Little Pumpkin' he says- 'I'm in Labour, the baby is coming now' I tells him. He drops everything and rushes home. He gets halfway home and calls me 'Hang on' he says-  I tells him 'I am feckin hanging on- I am hanging from the curtain pole here waiting for ye to get your feckin arse back here'. He says 'We aren't having a baby- you don't even have a womb'. I said, 'Oh ah, that is true'. He says 'if you are still in pain I suggest you have a really good fart'. I did. I went round the house like a feckin balloon and that my friends is why I am telling you this from behind the TV.

 When I married my first husband over 33 years ago we had a gift of a set of steak knives from my cousin Jayne. When we split up he awarded me three of them- he is kind like that. However I have decided to buy us (me and my new hubby) a nice new set. I am browsing Amazon and am amazed to find they are multi task and are called Steak and Pizza Knives. Then I find a set called Brazilian Steak Knives. Now I am questioning what exactly are steak knives used for these days and what's wrong with wax? Or even just a razor?

Mines Mr Husband still has his business trip looming and in bed last night still he is asking me to go. Apparently he doesn't want to take a secretary. Strange man he is. I says to him- 'I don't wanna go cos I won't have the car and you will have to drop me off in Farnborough and I will have to mill around a cold shopping centre all day - and I can't do that with me dodgy hips'. (Aside from the fact I have to sleep in a very posh hotel with him snoring'). He looked forlorn. I says 'the only other option is that I come to work with you and torment everyone at FS'- then it came to me 'Yes' I says 'I know I could hob knob with the big knobs- I have a few things they would be interested to hear about the big fat slimy git- I could cause ructions'. He looked horrified. So do you know what he says? No? I will tell ye. He says 'I would rather you didn't cos it's not very career enhancing my little pumpkin'. I says to him 'That doesn't matter at all cos I don't have a career'. He says 'I am going to get in my own bed now'.

I have been to the Doctors yesterday. I made the appointment ages ago in case I was poorly. Ye haves to these days. We went to the snobby surgery in the village today. It doesn't have fish. Or a receptionist. Just magazines about Horses and Dogs. Horse and Hound Dog. They was playing classical music. I said to an old woman next to me 'I don't go much on that music- its a racket'- she said 'nor me, it's a bit heavy'. I said 'I think we should have an Elvis singalong'. She agreed. We was just deciding which Elvis song we should sing (I opted for Hound Dog in keeping with the magazine rack) and then an old man said 'The classical music was just his kinda of thing and he would appreciate it if we didn't spoil it'. That was when the fight broke out and the Dr came and took me away. I was just getting into that. She is always pissing on my cake her.

I told the Doctor I had earache and she said 'Have you been shoving Crayons in your ears again Elisabeth?'. (I haven't- just hair grips cos I thought the man at the chemist said they was ear grips'). Anyways despite assuring her I didn't put crayons in me ear holes she still said they was filled with wax and now I have to go and have them cleaned out. Yay- I Won't be deaf no more. I will be able to hear Elvis better. Whoohoo. Also she said 'Stop using volterol. Tis what is making your tummy painful. She is giving me Piri Piri rub instead and told me to just rub it on me Piri Piri with utmost care. She said that she is proud of me giving up cups of tea. I have told her about the cake addiction yet. She is always pissing on my cake her.

Also this week we have had the local newsletter. Well the Vicar wrote a nice little article about her new pink and purple hair do with a nice little mention of the hairdresser involved. I am not sure if it was a warning about her or not but I for one will certainly avoid her if that's what happens to yer hair. I guess the vicar will be writing a lot of these things until someone decides to build her a church.

Also it had a nice little article on the boy racers that dog the estate. No mention of an old woman in a little pea having a sing a long with Elvis. Still I be sure to outrun them policemans since I been watching lots of Interceptor programmes. I be getting lots of tips off them I do. Also they complained about the boy racers at the airport. Thats thems pilots is that. But to be fair they are allowed to race up and down the runway. They call it taking off and landing.

The town council are going to uncover the estates history. That shouldn't take too long - only three year old. T'was just a few farmers fields before then.

Also the town council are making some improvements. They have mended all the street lamps. And removed the dog litter bins. To be fair dogs don't have a lot of litter. So they didn't need them anyway.

 Finally they also showed all the pictures of the Pumpkin Party. I of course didn't get my picture in there. I wasn't invited because of my tendency to naked wrecking ball routines with me pumpkins and other peoples pumpkins as well. Next year I will wear a beard. They won't know its me then. I will get my picture of me in that magazine on me pumpkin by hook or by crook.

Tis rahter  is annoying when one of the main characters in your new, nearly finished book says 'Excuse me but could I have a different name please- I don't like the name Ernie'. I do like to please so I ended up going through names with him, Harold, Bertram, Dick, Hubert (nothing wrong with Hubert!), Arthur, George, Frederick, Albert, Abraham, Wally or - Colin. He said if that was the choice he would plump for Colin- as long as it was Colin Firth. For heavens sake- that would be sacrilege to cast him as Colin Firth. I can't have my fantasy ruined. So I told him ' Now look yer If you keep complaining about MY BOOK- I will kill you off. I am the Awfur remember'. Coming soon- BETHS NEW BOOK!! (We have decided on Mike-well I have)

  The last thing that happened this week :Mine's Mr Husband said he was popping upstairs to see a man about a dog. I heard him go in the bathroom. A few seconds later I heard a blood curdling scream. I didn't interfere. Well you don't do you when they have gone to see a man about a dog? A few seconds later I got a text from him. It read 'Pen is stuck'. So I text back 'Well use a pencil'. Mr Husband hasn't been down stairs for three hours now. Must be sharpening his pencil I guess. Or writing his memoirs. Think I will keep out of the way untill he emerges. Tis always the best course of action I think in these circumstances don't you.