Bananas, Badgers and Testicles

Oh I have a real devil may care attitude today. Not only have I upset pathetic Ant Mcpartlin fans I have dared to load me own dishwasher! Obviously Mines Mr Husband has had to re-load it properly- but nevertheless I did it. I may carry on in this way- I might mix the recycling up later! Anyways you be wondering what else I been upto this week I bet. So here tis:

 Thursday :If I were to ask you who you thought I loved the most in the world today, you could be forgiven for saying it was you, or Mr Husband, or my children or my grandchildren or even my dog. My dog? WTF are you on about? You know I ain't got a dog. I got a pussy but we don't go there on cold days like today thank you. No siree. Tis none of these things that I love the most today. Anyways the person I love most in the world today is mines osteopaff. I have been in soooo much pain for two or more weeks now. No-one knew this because I just bare it. Also I get on with the pain. Although to be fair it did get too bad one day so I took two paracetomol. But mines wonderful osteopaff fitted me in with an appointment and found a bone out in mines neck and that mines pelvis had twisted . I blame jailhouse rock meself-  I was a listening to that in the week. Tis well known for sending Pelvis's into the ether is that. He laid me on that bed and he pulled, pushed and stuck things in me. Today I am floating like a piece of light fluffy bread. I can actually stand up straight and move me head from side to side. How cool is that? Mr Osteopaff I love you to the moon and back! However, today I have a pain betwixt the shoulder blades- I blame this on listening to Dolly Partons greatest tits. What with the weight of hers and mine combined.......................

 Friday: We was driving out to our muvvers and when we got close I sees two dead badgers. Whole. A pair. With eyes and everyfin. 'STOP' I shouts at Mines Mr Husband- 'tis a late birfday present for ye'. He says 'if it's someat dead, I don't want nuffin else'. I tells him its badgers. He likes badgers. 'You likes badgers' I says.  He says he likes them but he likes them living thank you very much. I says to him 'Well I can't do fecking bringing back to life miracles but I can recycle them' He said 'Look I had a nice pair of trainers for me birfday and I am happy with that'. 'I know that' I tells him- 'I thought ye would like a nice pair of slippers made with badger' I says. By then we was at me muvvers cos he wouldn't stop even when I lifted me top and flashed mines boobies. However the man coming in the opposite direction swerved and went in the hedge- silly sod. Anyways I got me mobility walker out and I went back up the road- I picked them up in me walker and brings them back. I got mines favver to put them in a carrier bag disguised as large spuds. Mines Mr Husband won't even know until he gets slippers! Also I seed me bestie Kim- I think she wants me to do her fringe.

Thursday : I said to mines Mr Husband 'I love kayaking in the bath'. He said 'You dyslexic fruit bat- yakking- it's yakking in the bath you love'. I said 'ho eayh'. Good job I got him or I could end up in a elkcip.

Monday I found out Guys you can get Botox for your Testicles. Tis called Scrotox. Don't be wasting your £'s. Just chuck an ice cube in your under crackers- that will do the same thing. I am going to try it out on Mines Mr Husband later.

Tuesday I had an electician. Well when I say had..........he came to look in me little cupboard. I must say these electrician blokes are nice are they not? Although I have to say they are not too happy when you take the cable and start tying them up to put in the cupboard under the stairs. 'Think of the kids missus' he said. I said 'I never think of my kids when I am tying up men to keep under the stairs. My kids just don't wanna know'. He said 'not your kids missus- mine- I gotta get to the childminder and pick them up- tis my turn'. I must be getting soft in me ol age cos I had to let him go. I showed him me boobies on the way out though and told him to come again- he is always wellcum here!

Final thought: I have read this week there is going to be a shortage of bananas. Well less of a shortage and more of an extinction. Thats going to play havoc with hers across the roads love life I fear. I just hope we don't have the same issue with cucumber or she is really going to be stuffed. (Or not as the case maybe.)

Revolutions, Polished Knobs and Karchared Cracks

Glad to say Christmas is behind us now- only another 51 weeks until the next one- unless we end up nuked by then by the loonies who now in charge of the world. So what ye be up to Beth I hear I ask. Well this is it- hang on to yer hats and get yerself a coffee- or a Baileys if ye haves any left:

SUNDAY: First I done me new years Revolutions:

Find New Supermarkets to try the Naked Wrecking Ball Routine. Practice twerking and whipping Nae Nae.

Find Shops with managers who are more tolerant to the above.

Keep up the Sing along with Beth and Elvis. Throw in a bit of 
Robbie for good measure. Get more Elvis and Robbie CDS. Lawfully.

Get new nail scissors to do fringe.

Practice fringe cutting more so it don't look like the toddler next door has been let loose with the hedge trimmer on it. 
Practice on passers by if necessary.

Write more books.

Find fresher dead animals for Mr Husband (stop him whinging so much)

Buy more orgasm socks- have more orgasms (but not in Tesco as don't want to be arrested)

Get in shape. Cake shape is good. Keep scales hidden- they are dangerous to your mental health and they tell lies.

Go to the gym more often- watch the hunks working out. 
Remember to take money for chocolate.

This year don't get into trouble for being in relationships with hunky men. Well, I mean, don't get caught stalking.

Try harder not to fart when the osteopath bends ye in half. Clench them buttocks Beth.

Be nicer to the neighbours, except the skinny bitch next door. It is perfectly acceptable to ram her front door sideways up her rectum if she continues to slam it. No law against it.

Remember a daily glass of Baileys is good for you. Packed with calcium and calcium is good for your bones.

Trim bush more regularly. No good having bush envy all the year when you see the neighbours have perfectly neatly trimmed bushes if ye don't make an effort with ye own.

Buy new over shoulder bolster holders to stop nipples sparking on pavement.
END OF REVOLUTIONS.

MONDAY:Tis nice to see so many people starting the year positive. I am no exception. First positive thing to put in me positive jar- I survived another apocalypse. Yay- go me!!

Today, with it being the first day of a new year and all such stuff, I am going to polish up all me knobs. One likes to start the new year with newly polished, shiny knobs. Yen I am going to suss out this living in Japan business- well I am off to get some seaweed. Same thing.

Note to self: Don't get the instructions 'Wrap your tinsel round me baubles mixed up with wrap your tonsils round me ball balls.'

TUESDAY: Feeling Amused and Pleased: I am simply in love with my new Karcher washer. It gets mould out of cracks and crusty bits off knobs. I waited until Mines Mr Husband was bent over and on went the Karcher.................... One clean- if a little surprised husband. All clean and ready for new application of Gorilla Glue. When he gets back from the hospital. Apparently you aren't supposed to do colonic irrigation at home. Well who knew?
Mmmm What to Karcher today?

WEDNESDAY: Steam cleaned in between Mines Mr Husbands toes with the Karcher yesterday. He said he doesn't know what to do with himself. He is so Karchered he can't sit down and he can't stand up. Currently crawling round on his knees. Shame really cos I was just about to do his belly button with it.

 THURSDAY: When I visit mines Muvver and Mines Favver tis very difficult to get a signal on my mobile doodah. Tis true signal is crap out in the sticks in thems house. Tis a well known fact. Well tis mostly well known to them. Finally after many years I have cracked it. I stand naked and on me head in the far corner with one leg out the window and t'other up the chimney and wiggle all me all toes. 'Do ye get a better signal then Beth I hear ye ask?'  Well to be honest with ye no it don't. But I can't send texts or make phone calls when I upside down and freezing me arse off.

FRIDAY: I like GP's behind closed doors. Although I think ours is more interesting. Well when I go it is. I gee them along and have a sing song. Last night though, whilst toasting with a glass of Bailey's to the young man who got dry from alcohol and turned his life around and I had tears in my eyes for the old dear who was told she could not have a slice of cake a day. No one needs to be told to cut the cake out or even cut the cake! No one needs this kind of negativity. Also Mines Mr Husband has hidden the Karcher after I steamed cleaned his bald patch. Don't know what I will do today. I just bought four new nozzles for it.

SATURDAY: Well, yesterday afternoon, I was just sitting there minding me own business- like you do and Mines Mr Husband suggested that I get one of my five a day. I said I was sure I didn't know what he was on about. He said 'they begin with ''F''  so they do'. Well that didn't take me long to work out- I was up over the stairs and stripped off naked and on the bed before you could say 'Jumping Jack Sprat'. 'I will be waiting up here for one of my five' I shouted. To be honest I thought five fecks a day were a bit ambitious at our times of life. A few minutes later I hear him coming up over the stairs,  and fully clothed too- and then he left a bowl of fruit salad by the bed for me and went back to his computer. What's all that about then??

AND FINALLY.......BETHS FIRST TOP TIT OF THE NEW YEAR- Don't put up Christmas trees and trimmings- then ye don't have the hard work of takings them down again. You're welcome.

Monks and Booby Jiggling

Well how's your week been- this is what mine has been doing:

SUNDAY:Mines Mr Husband took me out for the afternoon. I am not religious as ye knows. I been there, done that and had the guilt trip. The nearest I gets to religious is to say to Satan 'Get thee behind me' when I am outside the cake shop- and he usually pushes me in. Anyways mines Mr Husband takes me to the Abbey up Buckwhatsit. People go there for a religious experience. I didn't want one but its full of monks and I thought they may like a Beth experience. Mines Mr Husband had to remove his cap at the door. I asked if they would like me to remove something- please. They said not. I asked them to think again- I Was willing to remove my entire outfit. I even told them I had new knickers. The answer was still no. 'Bugger' I said- and they frowned and done the sign of the cross over me head. So I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies- it usually cheers men up. Not so Monks. I hope mines Ashley is not getting married in there because I don't think I will be allowed in again. Then Mines Mr Husband took me somewhere less controversial- the river Dart. I got me self a nice canoe. But Mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips. He said 'Fruitcake, give the man back his canoe and apologize for tipping him out'. I didn't tip him out. I lifted mines top and jiggled my boobies just as he was going past- he fell out of his own choosing. We are home now- not allowed on adventures for a while!!

MONDAY: So I see Littlewoods are selling breakfast cushions. Seems Porridge is out of fashion these days. I just don't know how I am going to get mines Mr Husband to swallow that one! Might need extra coffee.

TUESDAY: Yay, I made new friends today- although mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips- he says that tying people up and keeping them in the cupboard goes above being anti-social. I am not anti-social- quite the opposite in fact.

THURSDAY: A couple of  'not feeling it days'- but that's because mines Mr Husband is at work or asleep all this week and can't get close enough. Oh yeah, and I cut me fringe- I need to do serious top lifting and naked booby jiggling to distract peoples eyes from it. The man in Save the Bernardos shop had a panic attack when I did it. He is not used to any customers (although they did have 15 on the opening day) let alone naked booby jiggling ones .And now here I am, survived another week- but tis another week nearer to the holiday and I still have bath mats to get yet! Feeling a trip to Dunelm coming on..............

WEDNESDAY :Well her across the road, the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one with the integrated bike rack, is having a baby. An actual baby. A real one! She didn't just have a baby shower for the cake. Neither did she offer me any. However, she left the kitchen windows open so I help me self. It  looked like self service to me so I didn't ask. Anyways, her blokey, the pork pie shaped one also with integrated bike rack (I seen it when he was bent over tending to her tulips in her box), he came and told mines Mr Husband they were having a baby shower cos they were having a baby. I thought t'was just cake. Anyway I said to mines Mr Husband 'When is it going to be born?'- he said 'I don't feckin know- I didn't ask'. I told him- 'well I needs to know- I don't want to be in that day- just in case I have to get involved. I had that problem in the last house when PYT (Pretty Young Thing) next door was having hers and things got late, and difficult and all I had to hand was a bread knife. So I asked him 'Is it a boy or a girl?'- he said he didn't know- he didn't ask and why did it matter. I said 'Because her next door at 23 got a boy- I don't want another boy- it will play havoc with my OCD. I like things to be evened out'. He said 'well we get what comes and its not our business anyway'. He was quite rude to me about it. So then I asked 'how much it weighted and he said he didn't ask because they haven't had it yet. And I was to stop asking so many questions. I still think its pretty damn inconsiderate not to consult the neighbours about planning a baby when we all live so close. People these days have no consideration for others!

Cut me hair with me new doofers with the spirit level on. Someat wrong with that spirit level if ye asks me. Wouldn't stay still. Anyways my advice to anyone buying one of them doofers to cuts thems hair is take your knickers off first. I expect when Mines Mr Husband gets up and comes round from the sleep experience (yep- feckin nights again!) he will advise me go to a hairdresser to get it straightened!

PM: Well mines Mr Husband is up- he has spotted me fringe. He just sighed and said 'oh dear, oh dear- oh dear!' I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies. It has distracted him from me fringe!

FRIDAY: So the lyrics are 'wave my last goodbye' and all this time I been singing wave my ass goodbye'. Thought it was strange. Learns someat new every day you doos.

SATURDAY: Well thats mines Mr Husband Happy. I finally emptied the fairy liquid bottle. He been waiting ages for that so he can build a rocket. Sshhh don't tell him but I refilled it three times! Little divil me.