MONDAY: I missed sex intents last week but according to my stars I am getting a second chance at sex intents this week and their is a square in your anus and also I am going to invest with someone in a financial thing and I am going to get engaged and he will find joy in my happy place. I knew it- I feckin knew- Johnny Depp is on the way...........
TUESDAY: If ye don't farts ye internally combusts. So go on-
ye knows he wants to- Let It Go.....even if ye are on the tube or on a bus or
in a queue. Brought to you by Beths top tits and alternative facts!
WEDNESDAY: I was off out
this morning me ol babbers. I had a bit of a doodah with a knob last night and
it came right off in me hand. I can't understand it- I am usually very good
with knobs. Still at least it wasn't the landlords this time. I pulled that off
when I moved in and that was when we had to buy gorilla glue- and ye all know
what I am like with gorilla glue. This knob can't have gorilla glue though so
off we go to Argos.
And if I am extra lucky Dunelm cos we will be very close.
THURSDAY: I went
going to see Dr Angry Hard Jones this morning. I told ye I got dressed in the
dark and ended up with half me naughty Santa outfit on. Well bugger me if when
I got to the surgery the receptionist wasn't dressed like a feckin xmas tree. I
chatted to her for twenty minutes about me Elf - everything from Piles to Corns
and told her me most intimate stuff- Ye knows stuff ye can tell ye mother. Then
the Dr called me and asked why I had a half a naughty Santa costume on. I said 'that's
rich coming from someone who has a receptionist dressed as a Christmas tree'. She
says they don't have a receptionist today- that is the Christmas tree- the
caretaker has got round to taking it down yet. I tells her 'I wondered why she
didn't kick off when Mines Mr Husband squeezed two of her baubles'. (Also the
woman in the post office asked I had left the reindeer outside. What's all that
about!!)
Anyways the good news is that Dr Angry Hard Jones says that
tis ok for me to get naked in Tesco and Sainsbury's but probably not Waitrose.
It seems having the menopause is a legit reason to strip off. Well she didn't
use them exact words- she said something about less clothes. Same thing.
FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband has been on the first aid doodah
thingy at work. Tis a requirement. He has told me what they learned what to do
with burns and cuts and fits and what not. He tried to test my extensive
knowledge:
Him: What do you if someone has a burn
Me: Put it under water (drowning not really acceptable- depends on who)
Him: What you do if someone is cut thems self?
Me; Put it underwater (see above re: drowning)
Him: What you do if someone is having a fit
Me: Put them underwater (same drowning rules apply)
Him: You can't say put everything in water.
Me: Sounds acceptable to me.
Him: What if someone is having a panic attack?
Me; Find carrier bag and put over head (theirs) then slap them hard
Him: What if someone is choking?
Me: Throw water at them and distract them
Him: I don't suppose you know what to do with anyone having a heart attack then?
Me: Bring towels and water?
Him: That’s when someone is giving birth
Me: How would you know- they are both painful in equal measure
Then I said to him 'Worries me in case you had a heart attack at work and no-one was there at night and you was alone. You could die'
He said 'I could do that alone in that back bedroom on my own'
Me: You are still not sleeping in my room
Him: How would you know if I was having a heart attack
Me: I would find out sooner or later like when I didn't get me cuppa tea the next morning.
Him: What would you do if you found me having a heart attack?
Me: Tell you to cough (I read it on interwebs- alternative fact!)
Him: I don't think that’s legit first aid. What else would you do?
Me: Ring 111 to see what they think
Him: No 999.
Me: Ok. If you think it is serious enough. Then I will put kettle on and make tea and look for insurance policy.
Him: Is that it? Make tea?
Me: Yes and have cake- no point in panicking- we didn't win two world wars by panicking. Anyway I watch 999 what’s your emergency and you are not supposed to do anything to anyone having a heart attack.
Him: Unless their heart has stopped. And then what will you do? Supposing my heart has stopped?
Me: Well not a lot I can do in that case is there. Make a cup of tea, and look for the insurance policy. And cake.
Him: What about 999 and CPR?
Me: What about tea and cake?
Him: No
Me: Water on it? Towels?
He went to bed shaking his head and rolling his eyes. I thought he was having a fit so I slapped him and threw a bottle of water at him. Now he has a lump on his head.
Me: Put it under water (drowning not really acceptable- depends on who)
Him: What you do if someone is cut thems self?
Me; Put it underwater (see above re: drowning)
Him: What you do if someone is having a fit
Me: Put them underwater (same drowning rules apply)
Him: You can't say put everything in water.
Me: Sounds acceptable to me.
Him: What if someone is having a panic attack?
Me; Find carrier bag and put over head (theirs) then slap them hard
Him: What if someone is choking?
Me: Throw water at them and distract them
Him: I don't suppose you know what to do with anyone having a heart attack then?
Me: Bring towels and water?
Him: That’s when someone is giving birth
Me: How would you know- they are both painful in equal measure
Then I said to him 'Worries me in case you had a heart attack at work and no-one was there at night and you was alone. You could die'
He said 'I could do that alone in that back bedroom on my own'
Me: You are still not sleeping in my room
Him: How would you know if I was having a heart attack
Me: I would find out sooner or later like when I didn't get me cuppa tea the next morning.
Him: What would you do if you found me having a heart attack?
Me: Tell you to cough (I read it on interwebs- alternative fact!)
Him: I don't think that’s legit first aid. What else would you do?
Me: Ring 111 to see what they think
Him: No 999.
Me: Ok. If you think it is serious enough. Then I will put kettle on and make tea and look for insurance policy.
Him: Is that it? Make tea?
Me: Yes and have cake- no point in panicking- we didn't win two world wars by panicking. Anyway I watch 999 what’s your emergency and you are not supposed to do anything to anyone having a heart attack.
Him: Unless their heart has stopped. And then what will you do? Supposing my heart has stopped?
Me: Well not a lot I can do in that case is there. Make a cup of tea, and look for the insurance policy. And cake.
Him: What about 999 and CPR?
Me: What about tea and cake?
Him: No
Me: Water on it? Towels?
He went to bed shaking his head and rolling his eyes. I thought he was having a fit so I slapped him and threw a bottle of water at him. Now he has a lump on his head.
SATURDAY: We had a new
sideboard. I watched from a distance. Mines Mr Husband doesn't, on account of
being a man (he is I checked- well I sneaked a peak when he was in the shower),
doesn't usually do instructions. I was, to be honest, expecting to end up with
a sideboard, a coffee table and a flat cap. I mean a cat flap. After much
huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning and a flurry of words like 'this
hole is too small and this thing is too stiff' and even a 'go away and mind
your own business' (to me!! HOW RUDE)- we have a sideboard and coaster. I was a
bit disappointed we didn't get a coffee table and if we had of had a cat he
would be sorely disappointed we didn't get a cat flap. If any of the neighbours
were listening I do hope they realise that a new sideboard was being
constructed - I don't want them thinking Christian Grey had come to visit.
And sadly still no sex intents. Maybe next week if the mood hasn't passed.
No comments:
Post a Comment