Been wondering where I been at for two weeks- being adventerous and what not as usual. Here's the latest round up for me fans. I did lose a follower in the week. Bit careless but I think it was the spy from the Russian BFG so all is good!
Friday: We are having new recycling thingy here. We will be allowed
to recycle cardboard at last. We have nice big bags issued. Its says put your
address on it- gives you a space even. Then it says wash and squash. Mines Mr
Husband says 'are you putting the address on it'. 'Too feckin right' I says. I
know what they are like round here. I will be conscientious (ooo-er looking me
using big words), and I will be washing and squashing and squashing and washing
and thems dirty fecker round yer won't be washing and squashing. Then when
thems bags are all dirty and stinky they will be swapping for mine- washed and
squashed, squashed and washed'. He thinks it won't happen but I remind him of
Wheelie Bin Gate- Our bin was stolen from under his nose! Thats why we take it turns
of a night to sit outside and guard the new bin! I don't want the same scenario
with my new conscientiously (oooo-er twice now) washed and squashed bag! No
siree!!
Sunday: I been up the Tesco today already. All the neighbours still
sleeping. 'Why, Beth, on a Saturday, on Beths naked, dancing and sing-a-long with
Elvis day are ye at Tescos?' I hear ye all ask. Well tis true I gives it a wide
berth on a Saturday. Tis usually too peoply but Mr Husband needs food for his
shift. He is actually covering this month for Fat Slimy Git who steals other
peoples promotions! He is holidaying in Africa.
I hope he gets too close to something hungry. A hippo or something. And talk
about rubbing salt and pepper and vinegar and tomato sauce into the wound!! Mr
Husband will do it though cos he does as he is told. Mostly. Anyways they don't
expect me on a Saturday up there. I am glad I went now. They was playing
'Wrecking Ball'. And you know what that means guys. It means strip off and grab
the nearest space hopper. So I did. I had soooo much fun. I got off with a
caution! Not off the space hopper- off
the public disorder fence. I caught them right off guard this time. Then, my
friend from the Toy Cupboard Kathy was operating at the checkout. She said 'I
am not your friend Kathy- stop grabbing me and kissing me- my name is Trudi'.
She pointed to her badge. To be fair it did say Trudi but that can be anybodys
badge. Namely Trudi's. I worked in
morrisons. I used to borrow Bens badge. You just gotta have a badge on. So I
think Kathy just borrowed Trudi's badge to throw me off the scent. Then she tried
to throw me off the scent by talking to me about her ironing. I thought- 'hmmm-
this don't sound like Kathy'. Then she said she hated ironing. That just
convinced me it was Kathy. She told me her husband goes to work naked. Well
what she said was he didn't wear shirts. So I think he goes naked. She also
said she need her chair higher cos she
is short ass. Then I knew for definite it was Kathy. I still hugged her before
Mr Husband dragged me out the shop. I am not allowed to go to her checkout
again. Insert sad face here.
Monday:So Gwyneth Paltrow is into putting rocks in her noo noo to
balance her chakras and help her meditate. In my book this is no no. With my bulldog
grip this means sudden release I have killed half a dozen passers-by, four cats
and a budgie. And knocked a policemans hat off. Also messes with your Ying and
Yang someat chronic.The other latest craze I hear is to insert a wasps nests
into your noo noo (although it does burn for a while apparently) to tighten it
up. Well the very thoughts of it makes me do that. Please don't try it home.
No- do it in the open air in the country side where no one can hear you
scream!!! I am no Doctor Christian but what I say is Pelvic floor exercises all
the way ladies- as per my advertisement on 'This Morning' show. SAY NO TO ROCKS
AND WASPS NESTS!!!
Saturday: Mines Mr Husband and I been discussing our wills and stuff.
We do from time to time. A little review because we are happy to talk about
death and stuff. We are also sensible. I also get anxious about being left
alone and no way of surviving. Anyways turns out he is worth more dead than
alive. Tis true. On an entirely un-related subjected how many ways are there to
dispose of a corpse?
TUESDAY: Me, Bob and Elvis been for a little adventure on our own. We
found the garden centre. I was so excited to have actually found it I nearly
drove right out again. Also nearly peed my pants with excitement. But having no
spare ones with me decided against it. However, coming home Bob got me and
Elvis lost and we went goodness knows where and to be honest I thought Bobs
driving was a bit erratic and left a bit to be desired. He even clipped the
kerb coming out of the garden centre and nearly tipped us up. Good job we
didn't go topless. He has now parked very wonky on the drive. I think thats
enough excitement for one day!! Poor old Elvis is all shook up!
Wednesday: WD40 was cheap in Tesco for a massive tin. So I said to
mines Mr Husband 'buy one, tis good fer yer nuts when they go rusty'. So he
bought one. At the checkout the good looking young man who was checkout
operating my shopping looked at it. I said 'tis good value and tis good for yer
rusty nuts'. He said he didn't have rusty nuts. I said 'Let me check'. That was
all I said - well and I did get behind the conveyer with him. And I may have
been a bit too much hands on. Anyways thats me not allowed in Tesco again!
Mines Mr Husband said to me 'Why have you got this big pack
of sausages out my little pickle'. He can be a nosy fecker. 'Cos I am doing
Cock o van for tea'. He said 'what, with sausages?'. I said 'Duh- Cock- tis the
nearest thing I can find that's similar'. Honestly no imagination when cooking
that man. (Especially since I banned Worcester Sauce- read the booky peoples).
Oh I did panick this morning when I looked in the mirror
-'OMFG'- I cried in distress- 'My face is swollen over night'. Mines Mr Husband
comes running. 'No, pickle' he said- 'You have the magnify mirror there- turn
it over'. Phew! Thank feck for that. I thought someone had pumped me up whilst
I had been asleep.
Tursday: When we was in Cornwall
mines Mr Husband said 'Look a shop just selling Ice cream. Would you like one?'
I never pass the opportunity by to have one. No not me. Or an Ice cream. He
said 'look, 31 flavours fresh from Marshfield Farm' it says. 'Which one do you
like'. Well I says 'Not, the freshly made Hay, or the Cow Pat or the Pig
Swill'. I settled for Black Cherry. Who
knew Black Cherry was a farm flavour?
We went on the Ferry when we was in Cornwall- to get from one side to other. I
said to Mines Mr Husband 'Wasn't I a good girl? I wasn't sick, or panicky and I
didn't pee me pants'- he said 'Well to be fair there wasn't time, we was only on two
minutes. It's called Roll on, Roll off'. I told him -hmmm- I have had men like
that. I didn't know it applied to ferrys as well. You lives and learns so you
do.
Time for a Beths hot top tit. If ye are menopausal (I am
don't ya know)- or a hot man even, I can highly recommend a convertible (Car
that is not man- although given the right one..............). Top off, bombing along the motorway at high speed (no
more than 70 of course- what kinda law breaker do ya think I am?) and having a
sing- along with Elvis. Can't beat it for cooling yer hot bits down!
