Happy New Year, Hot Glass and Hot Top Tits 2019

 What you all been waiting for here are few Beths hot top tits for 2019.

Don’t say you hope for a better year this year- make this year better for yourself. You have to put the effort in for change- yeah- really- so get off yer arse and get about it.

 Follow your dreams- don’t follow mine- you can only but imagine what happens in mine- they are weird!

Ditch the dumb ass and the waste of space-you don’t want that hanging round yer arse like a wet nappy forever and a day.

Make your life worth living and make yourself count. I don’t mean sheep and I don’t mean get yourself an abacus or take up maths-maths is for nerds. You only need be able to count slices of cake- i.e. 1. 1 very large one.

 Do something out of the ordinary. Run naked round town or along the sea wall. Ask a complete stranger to do a willy wave at you- or better still ask for his address. Only if he is hot to trot though.

 Don’t  step on hot glass because I tried this in 2018- it’s horrible.

If you are intending to move house this year, find the one you like, mark your territory- pee on the doorstep. It works. (Tested and proven  by yours truly).

Dance in the rain, and the snow and the sun and sing loud- sing –a- long with Beth and Elvis and Bob topless  if you like. Although Bob don’t do topless in the water- his knob gets soooo cold as it is.

Don’t wait for someone to visit you- visit them. Maybe they can’t get to you very easily. Maybe they got a dodgy hip or no toes. I know someone with no toes. It’s a pobble.

Don’t be hard on someone because they are not doing what YOU expect and don’t be hard because they didn’t bring you a gift. You have no idea what other people are going through. (Could be bankruptcy- some of us will).

And remember pamper youself and take time for youself. It’s ok to be everything to everyone- but not at the cost of your health. The world is running out of straight jackets.

Remember the 2^nd of January is baby making day. Get in there my friends- unless you don’t want a baby- in this instance you have pancake day to look forward to!

Now go get sober and get theeself down to the Dunelm sale – I hear bath mats are on offer.

Sex In Tents, Tight Holes and Alternative Facts.

Tis been another busy week at Beths- a bit of this and a bit of that. Something to take ye mind off the turmoils of the world.


MONDAY: I missed sex intents last week but according to my stars I am getting a second chance at sex intents this week and their is a square in your anus and also I am going to invest with someone in a financial thing and I am going to get engaged and he will find joy in my happy place. I knew it- I feckin knew- Johnny Depp is on the way...........

TUESDAY: If ye don't farts ye internally combusts. So go on- ye knows he wants to- Let It Go.....even if ye are on the tube or on a bus or in a queue. Brought to you by Beths top tits and alternative facts!

WEDNESDAY: I was off out this morning me ol babbers. I had a bit of a doodah with a knob last night and it came right off in me hand. I can't understand it- I am usually very good with knobs. Still at least it wasn't the landlords this time. I pulled that off when I moved in and that was when we had to buy gorilla glue- and ye all know what I am like with gorilla glue. This knob can't have gorilla glue though so off we go to Argos. And if I am extra lucky Dunelm cos we will be very close.

THURSDAY:  I went going to see Dr Angry Hard Jones this morning. I told ye I got dressed in the dark and ended up with half me naughty Santa outfit on. Well bugger me if when I got to the surgery the receptionist wasn't dressed like a feckin xmas tree. I chatted to her for twenty minutes about me Elf - everything from Piles to Corns and told her me most intimate stuff- Ye knows stuff ye can tell ye mother. Then the Dr called me and asked why I had a half a naughty Santa costume on. I said 'that's rich coming from someone who has a receptionist dressed as a Christmas tree'. She says they don't have a receptionist today- that is the Christmas tree- the caretaker has got round to taking it down yet. I tells her 'I wondered why she didn't kick off when Mines Mr Husband squeezed two of her baubles'. (Also the woman in the post office asked I had left the reindeer outside. What's all that about!!)

Anyways the good news is that Dr Angry Hard Jones says that tis ok for me to get naked in Tesco and Sainsbury's but probably not Waitrose. It seems having the menopause is a legit reason to strip off. Well she didn't use them exact words- she said something about less clothes. Same thing.

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband has been on the first aid doodah thingy at work. Tis a requirement. He has told me what they learned what to do with burns and cuts and fits and what not. He tried to test my extensive knowledge:

Him: What do you if someone has a burn
Me: Put it under water (drowning not really acceptable- depends on who)
Him: What you do if someone is cut thems self?
Me; Put it underwater (see above re: drowning)
Him: What you do if someone is having a fit
Me: Put them underwater (same drowning rules apply)
Him: You can't say put everything in water.
Me: Sounds acceptable to me.
Him: What if someone is having a panic attack?
Me; Find carrier bag and put over head (theirs) then slap them hard
Him: What if someone is choking?
Me: Throw water at them and distract them
Him: I don't suppose you know what to do with anyone having a heart attack then?
Me: Bring towels and water?
Him: That’s when someone is giving birth
Me: How would you know- they are both painful in equal measure
Then I said to him 'Worries me in case you had a heart attack at work and no-one was there at night and you was alone. You could die'
He said 'I could do that alone in that back bedroom on my own'
Me: You are still not sleeping in my room
Him: How would you know if I was having a heart attack
Me: I would find out sooner or later like when I didn't get me cuppa tea the next morning.
Him: What would you do if you found me having a heart attack?
Me: Tell you to cough (I read it on interwebs- alternative fact!)
Him: I don't think that’s legit first aid. What else would you do?
Me: Ring 111 to see what they think
Him: No 999.
Me: Ok. If you think it is serious enough. Then I will put kettle on and make tea and look for insurance policy.
Him: Is that it? Make tea?
Me: Yes and have cake- no point in panicking- we didn't win two world wars by panicking. Anyway I watch 999 what’s your emergency and you are not supposed to do anything to anyone having a heart attack.
Him: Unless their heart has stopped. And then what will you do? Supposing my heart has stopped?
Me: Well not a lot I can do in that case is there. Make a cup of tea, and look for the insurance policy. And cake.
Him: What about 999 and CPR?
Me: What about tea and cake?
Him: No
Me: Water on it? Towels?
He went to bed shaking his head and rolling his eyes. I thought he was having a fit so I slapped him and threw a bottle of water at him. Now he has a lump on his head.

SATURDAY: We had a new sideboard. I watched from a distance. Mines Mr Husband doesn't, on account of being a man (he is I checked- well I sneaked a peak when he was in the shower), doesn't usually do instructions. I was, to be honest, expecting to end up with a sideboard, a coffee table and a flat cap. I mean a cat flap. After much huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning and a flurry of words like 'this hole is too small and this thing is too stiff' and even a 'go away and mind your own business' (to me!! HOW RUDE)- we have a sideboard and coaster. I was a bit disappointed we didn't get a coffee table and if we had of had a cat he would be sorely disappointed we didn't get a cat flap. If any of the neighbours were listening I do hope they realise that a new sideboard was being constructed - I don't want them thinking Christian Grey had come to visit.

And sadly still no sex intents. Maybe next week if the mood hasn't passed.

Orgies, Twerking and a touch of the Piftics

 WEDNESDAY: Well yesterday I was able to convince Mines Mr Husband that he would enjoy a trip to Dunelm to get Bath Mats. First he resisted saying that Fathers Day was truly long gone, as was his birthday, and also no need to buy bath mats for holiday- blah blah blah- heard all the reasons not to go. Also he had a touch of the piftics yesterday so I had to do my best kitty eyes and my best sexy, sultry pout. Eventually he agreed to take me in Dunelm (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame). Soon as I got there I spied the very inviting bed. I started stripping. 'T'is hot in yer' I complained. Do ye know what Mines Mr Husband said? No? Well I tell ye what he said. He said 'If you take one thing off we are going home'. That's what he said. Well there I am going round a boiling hot shop and not allowed to take off me hat, or gloves, or scarf or ski jacket. Like feckin boil in the bag cod I was (Without the smell I add hastily). Mines Mr Husband actually enjoyed himself when he got into- I took him in the baking dept (he a bit of bread baker so he is)- he even bought his self a new baking sheet. Anyways I occupied meself by going and looking everyone else's basket. 'Do ye really need that?' 'Will ye be hiding that from your Mr Husband when ye gets home?' 'Did ye know they are just a pound in the pound shop?' 'Did ye know that Homebase got a sell and bedding sets just a fiver?' I made some new friends by initiating these conversations. Anyways the manager wasn't none to pleased and asked me to stop. I said I was sorry 'do ye want to see me boobies?'. She said she didn't. So I made up for it by sneaking around and adding stuff to peoples basket. Dunelm made a few extra sales yesterday and all thanks to me!!

 THURSDAY: Well I have to say its been a day and three quarters of a half today. Doing our Mr Tumnus shots in the woods- we realised nude photography is a shock to some- people covering thems kids eyes and running in all directions. 'Put your clothes back on' I begged Mines Mr Husband- 'ye are causing distress'. We did get a nice photo of some little squirrels playing with them nuts and Mines Mr Husband even played hide and seek with one. He was lucky they didn't go for his nuts! I assume the cold weather had something to do with this.

We went for fish and chips. I was asked not to take chips of peoples plates in the fish shop- or fish or sausages. Not allowed back in there!

Her at number 12 got her pumpkins out on the doorstep- Mr Husband noticed first. He always notices things like that first. 'Bit premature'. I told her. She wasn't listening. I had to shout it through her letterbox.

Also we took our beloved Jag to the garage for MOT. Tomorrow we go to collect it. We shall wear black and I might, even out of respect for it, wear knickers. The horrible man told us he wouldn't even MOT it. It is too deaded to MOT. We are deeply saddened- 8 years we have loved that car like it was our own. Well it is our own. I am glad that Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment. One of us crying a flood will be enough!!!

SATUDAY; Well I can only say its been a terse and fractions week. Me recovering from the dreaded lurgy and Mines Mr Husband recovering from nights- he did have a touch of the piftics midweek. Yesterday was the saddest day for a very long time for us. When I say Mines Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment- apparently that only applies to human beings and cats (although he is quite attached to my pussy). Cars, computers and books he does do. So we are both grief stricken over the demise of our beloved Jag. He drove it back from the garage- the man had written horrid things about it on the paperwork. I followed him back in the pea. Mines Mr Husband in the Jag- not the horrid man at the garage. That would be stalking. I am not that weird- unless its Johnny Depp or Colin Firth- that's different. The Jag looked sad. Elvis was singing 'There goes my everything'. Elvis was crying. Tears streaming down his face. Then he sang 'Only the Strong Survive'. The end of era. We sat numb, silent and sad ALL DAY. I need CAKE!!! Even when her over at the corner got her puppies out Mines Mr Husband didn't cheer up. He didn't even want to stroke them. His eyes looked as sad as theirs and his ears almost as floppy. On the plus side the Jag passed its emission tests. Less so Exeter town centre which is still ablaze!
Today is national cat day- so pussies everywhere getting lots of attention. (We hope).
Crankbrook is having its Pumpkin Party and Ball- I am not allowed to go on account of the cock ups last year when I arrived naked on my mine doing my wrecking ball routine. Apparently it is a family function not a feckin orgy. I got Ogre and Orgy mixed up again! The year before that they had a toga party and I went dressed as a goat. Tis me dicksleckyswhatsit that does it to me!
Don't forget to turn ye clocks back an hour. Ye gets an extra hour in bed. I already practiced this morning. I am quite excited because this means for the first time ever the clock in the pea will be right. Now all I have to do is remember not to add an hour every time I look at it!
MONDAY: Mines Mr Husband took me in Homebase this morning- he fecking take me anywhere- he has no shame. He bought me a new doofer thingy- which I will have to show ye all when tis charged up. It has tools and everyfink. I bought him some long nose pliers to pluck them tricky hard to get little feckers that gets up his nose- hairs that is, not people. He said he was going to buy me a pair to pluck the hairs on me moustache. He always finkin of me that man. He is too sweet.

Camel Toes, Neon Fish and Knickers

Hows it all going me ol' babbers. I am still at it. Adventuring and writing. Getting ready for the big adventure of me life. Well that will be death probably but that be another story. I found out this week tis a lot of money to take the cable car up the Ben Nevis on our holiday. They do have cake up there at the top. But Mines Mr Husband won't want to pay all that money to go up in the cable car so he won't. So I shall crawl up on me hands and knees so I shall. I just hope they still got cake by the times I gets there.

 Tuesday: That was a successful trip taking mines Mr Husband to the Doctor. I could be a Doctor. I told him what was wrong with him and what he needed- before he went. I could do that job. Then Mines Mr Husband came home and said 'I have a list of questions now'- I told him he better make another appointment. He said 'No, not for the Doctor- for you'- I felt highly honoured he respects my doctoring skills.  'Fire away' I says. Then he asks these non essential questions:

'Why did ye give all the little neon fish from the tank to the young boy?' - Well I wasn't expecting that but I thought he be working up to the important question. 'Well', I tells him - 'T'was one for every spot on his little face'. He said 'It was acne, he is a teenager'. Tis true, but it cheered  him up. The receptionist......... less so. Then he said 'And why did ye ask that old man if he had peed his trousers and had to borrow his wifes?'. Stupid question I thought. 'Because they was pink trousers and men don't wear pink trousers as a rule'. He said 'Well it matched his shirt'. Now I am worried because Mines Mr Husband has bought a pink shirt today (to match his eyes) and I am not keen on him buying pink trousers to match! Then he said 'And why did you ask that man stood up if it was because he had piles and couldn't sit down and worst of all why did you ask that dear old lady on the crutches if she was here to see the doctor about her camel toe?'. .. 'Because' - I said 'it was yuk, yuk yukkety'.  He said I am not allowed to go to the doctors next time he goes because I can't mind me own Fuk Fuk Fukkety buisness. Umph! Always pissing on me chips that man!!

Thursday: There is some asshole on a motorbike that keeps tearing round this estate at stupid times of sleepiness for the rest of us. But I have a soft spot for him- a swamp at bottom of road- dirty disgusting place tis. In the morning I shall lie in wait for him and flash and jiggle mines boobies. That should throw him.............straight into the swamp! Never let it be said boobies are not useful.

Well after watching years and years of the Air Ram hoover doofer thing now he has invented a bush trimmer. It is very quiet and very light- apparently. Well because I have the frymejelly thingy and I get achey arms I am thinking of getting one of these because apparently it is light enough you can hold it above your head to trim your bush! I thought I may be able to do me fringe and me eyebrows at the same time! Gotta be worth a try.

 Monday: Not long til me holidays now and we are discussing what we will be doing. Mines Mr Husband has suggested we have sex in different hotels. I said 'I am up for that if you are- as long as each different hotel I have it in the whoever is a hot hunk- I don't wanna be just having it with anybody'. Apparently that's not what he meant so he off to work grousing. T'was what I thought he meant. I will be just as happy if there is only cake.x

This arferitis is playing havoc with my fingers and I can't undo lids on things anymore.  'Take me top off' I said to mines Mr Husband. He did. That is why I am naked if you are wondering. We are at the bus stop and I did want the top taking off me drink but I ain't fussy I ain't.

 Saturday: We are experimenting tonight in the bedroom. My bedroom none the less. Yep- I have a new weapon to try in the snore war- tis new ear phones to listen to me Elvis through. I have had a little experiment this morning. Yep me and Elvis and a singalong with Beth and Elvis (just to try out the new earphones ye understands). I don't know if it the neighbours could hear anything or not- they are all gone out now- curious indeedy. On the plus side I didn't hear them go. So thems headphones must work.

FRIDAY: I am toying with going to Tesco and Dunelm all by myself today- I know I have to do the M5 bit to Tesco, and its not going it is coming back- maybe I should be better off just doing co-op- Oh I don't know- I wish I didn't have to make such decisions.....................Just checking traffic- looks like I gotta to avoid London Rd in Leicester. Mmm- tricky- its not exactly on my main route- well it shouldn't be but getting back from Tesco- tis easier to go with the flow.......

FRIDAY afternoon: Well tis very exciting here. I am celebrating with lemonade and a yogurt, I have not only been to Tesco but I have managed to get home. I managed to get home!! Without even going near London Road in Leicester. On the down side, they had turned Tesco completely back to front and I couldn't find anything I wanted. I nearly had a meltdown there and then. Us peoples with Aspergers cannot cope with the supermarket being turned back to front. On the plus side I got meself one and half new boyfirends. One was as old as the hills, one foot in the grave and one on a bar of soap- but we just clicked. I helped him choose new socks for the golf club (he said price wasn't important to him- I thought -'onto a winner ye are here Beth- he be wealthy'). I wasn't sure if it was a good time to talk orgasm socks- he didn't look as if he could cope with that. Especially not in Tesco. Then I help him choose his dandruff shampoo- he wanted the one that was smooth and shiny (for the golf club)- tis true he didn't have a lot of hair but he may not just have been using it on his head. I didn't ask. Tis not my place to pry into old men's personal hygiene habits. Then he helped me choose new knickers and incontinence pads. Seems we really clicked. Then I helped him choose sun tan lotion- for when he is at the golf club. It all happens at this feckin golf club. Then he wandered off - I think he got confused. In the meantime I met another old chap who helped me look for Pizza bases in not one but two aisles but we didn't click quite as much. Looking for Pizza bases is not the same as looking for knickers and socks together. Plus I think he had a wife. That could have made things a little awkward. Then I met up with the other one again in the saucy Aisle. I am in there guys I tell ye. And he got money. And he won't be a pain in the arse cos he will be at the golf club all day. Anyways I ain't been to Dunelm yet. I can't work out how to get to it without coming home and starting again. And I gotta go Co-op for stamps yet. All go yer tis.

Too many pussies, tits and Chewbacca

Ye probably all thinks I been gone into hiding this week but I am still here.  Been watching me tits bouncing round Mines Mr Husbands fat balls all the week and trying to keep the pussies under control. I tell ye its a full time job.

Chewbacca been arrested in Ukraine for campaigning for Darth Vadar to be prime minister- then they wonders why the country is a mess. They need Darth Vadar for prime minister. Ye can't trust that Putin blokey. He puts mine teeth on edge.

I have noticed the aeroplanes here do get very low- they'd turn mines blood to lamp oil so they do. Mines Mr Husband says that we do live next door to the airport and they have to get that low to land. 'What ye want them to do? Drop from the sky onto the tarmac?'  he asked. 'Yes,' I said , 'that would be preferable'. I have written a letter to the airport suggesting this. If I don't get a response I will have to get in touch with my MP Hugo doodah spires or whatever.

Mines mother rang to tell me she had been to Dunelm for nets. She found some for 48p. T'was a bargain I pointed out- apart from how much it costs in petrol to travel a round trip of 50miles. Then she said she felt so guilty for only spending 48p that she grabbed some other things by the checkout (that she didn't either need or want) just so as Dunelm wouldn't think she was a meanie drawers. I said 'mines mother, it is ok to go in and spend a small amount. It is even ok, (apparently- according to mines Mr Husband) to go in and spend nothing- although very very difficult'. Level of difficulty suggested 11.5 out of 10, but I did it once. But only cos I was poorly.

Mid week I suggested to Mines Mr Husband that we go on our holidays again to relive the love that I had for that holiday. He said we could only go for the day. I was so excited. He made me unpack the suitcase, including the bath mats and the ornaments. He said was only going for a feckin day and we wouldn't need all that stuff this time. I still sneaked in spare knickers and trousies though- well just in case. We climbed the cliffs again and I asked him if he wanted to climb the special high one (for old times sake)- the one that makes him look like a cockle on a rock. He declined. Instead he suggested he take me down the side of the cliff. Well ye know what I am like for being taken- always open to suggestions and new ideas. So we did a daring thing and climbed down the side of one. One cliff that is, not one idea. In all the excitement mines Mr Husband went surging ahead. I only went a little way and then I chanced to look down. I frozed. That girl in frozen had nowt on me I tell ye. I couldn't move. I was like the men that the grand old Duke of York had. I was neither up nor down. And I couldn't go either up nor down. I stood rooted to the spot. There was no way to move sideways and twerking weren't an option for there weren't enough room.. I thought 'Oh ye gods if I fall down there I shall surely break me camera'. And tis a good camera is that. Eventually a kindly woman coaxed me back to the top with some chocolate cake. She also made me put mines clothes back on. Mines Mr Husband was going on down to the bottom- until it got very tricky and then asked me if I wanted to go back down to meet him and fetch the car keys- in case he didn't make it. I said 'not on yer feckin Nelly I won't. I would sooner stick pins in me eyes and walk home than come back down there. There is chocolate cake up yer'. So I left him to it. 'Ye a silly old fool', I shouted from a safe distance. I didn't think he would chase me cos to be fair I had a head start on him.  I don't think we are cut out for that kind of adventure. We be too old I told him. It's played havoc with me dodgy hip and me feets and legs are fair knackered.

I did lay down on the top of the cliff to take some photographs. 'What ye doing down there fruitcake?' mines Mr Husband' asked. 'Why?, what's it gotta do with thee?' I asked. He paused. Then he said 'Nuffin. It's just ye are laid in cow pat'.  He had a point. I Told him to put his point away - we didn't all wanna see that thing in daylight. Then he took me on the beach-I tell ye he will take me anywhere that man. T'was very busy- peoples having holidays all over the beach and peoples surfing. I didn't like the beach being so cluttered with peoples. So I shouted shark- look shark- a few times- sharks do live in the water in Cornwall don't ye know. That emptied the place. We was able to enjoy the beach to ourselves- me and him and the shark.

When we got home I took all mines clothes off and got in the bath. That's how we roll in this house. And bath. I even put water in the bath.  Oh yes, we knows how to live it up in this house. Then mines Mr Husband called up all excited 'Ye books have arrived, ye books have arrived from New York'. I was so excited I flapped around in the bath like a flappy thing on a flappy day in the bath full of water. I am muchly pleased because they weren't going to arrive until xmas. Impressed I am. Have ye not bought yet? Quick get yeself over to Amazon and order ye copy.

Finally this week learned that twerking is soooo last year. Oh noooooooooooo! I likes me twerking I do. It's all about whipping your nae nae now- sounds too painful for me to even contemplate. Don't be telling mines Mr Husband though- he shall be wanting to give it a go half way down a cliff side. Oh and very lastly tis all excitement in this house. Tonight is the pumpkin party at the village hall. Mines Mr Husband has entered me. In the Pumpkin party (ye dirty minded feckers). He told them 'Mines Mrs Wifey is a pumpkin- a little pickled- but she will do a nice twerk for ye'. I might not. I might just go and whip me nae nae.