Revolutions, Polished Knobs and Karchared Cracks

Glad to say Christmas is behind us now- only another 51 weeks until the next one- unless we end up nuked by then by the loonies who now in charge of the world. So what ye be up to Beth I hear I ask. Well this is it- hang on to yer hats and get yerself a coffee- or a Baileys if ye haves any left:

SUNDAY: First I done me new years Revolutions:

Find New Supermarkets to try the Naked Wrecking Ball Routine. Practice twerking and whipping Nae Nae.

Find Shops with managers who are more tolerant to the above.

Keep up the Sing along with Beth and Elvis. Throw in a bit of 
Robbie for good measure. Get more Elvis and Robbie CDS. Lawfully.

Get new nail scissors to do fringe.

Practice fringe cutting more so it don't look like the toddler next door has been let loose with the hedge trimmer on it. 
Practice on passers by if necessary.

Write more books.

Find fresher dead animals for Mr Husband (stop him whinging so much)

Buy more orgasm socks- have more orgasms (but not in Tesco as don't want to be arrested)

Get in shape. Cake shape is good. Keep scales hidden- they are dangerous to your mental health and they tell lies.

Go to the gym more often- watch the hunks working out. 
Remember to take money for chocolate.

This year don't get into trouble for being in relationships with hunky men. Well, I mean, don't get caught stalking.

Try harder not to fart when the osteopath bends ye in half. Clench them buttocks Beth.

Be nicer to the neighbours, except the skinny bitch next door. It is perfectly acceptable to ram her front door sideways up her rectum if she continues to slam it. No law against it.

Remember a daily glass of Baileys is good for you. Packed with calcium and calcium is good for your bones.

Trim bush more regularly. No good having bush envy all the year when you see the neighbours have perfectly neatly trimmed bushes if ye don't make an effort with ye own.

Buy new over shoulder bolster holders to stop nipples sparking on pavement.
END OF REVOLUTIONS.

MONDAY:Tis nice to see so many people starting the year positive. I am no exception. First positive thing to put in me positive jar- I survived another apocalypse. Yay- go me!!

Today, with it being the first day of a new year and all such stuff, I am going to polish up all me knobs. One likes to start the new year with newly polished, shiny knobs. Yen I am going to suss out this living in Japan business- well I am off to get some seaweed. Same thing.

Note to self: Don't get the instructions 'Wrap your tinsel round me baubles mixed up with wrap your tonsils round me ball balls.'

TUESDAY: Feeling Amused and Pleased: I am simply in love with my new Karcher washer. It gets mould out of cracks and crusty bits off knobs. I waited until Mines Mr Husband was bent over and on went the Karcher.................... One clean- if a little surprised husband. All clean and ready for new application of Gorilla Glue. When he gets back from the hospital. Apparently you aren't supposed to do colonic irrigation at home. Well who knew?
Mmmm What to Karcher today?

WEDNESDAY: Steam cleaned in between Mines Mr Husbands toes with the Karcher yesterday. He said he doesn't know what to do with himself. He is so Karchered he can't sit down and he can't stand up. Currently crawling round on his knees. Shame really cos I was just about to do his belly button with it.

 THURSDAY: When I visit mines Muvver and Mines Favver tis very difficult to get a signal on my mobile doodah. Tis true signal is crap out in the sticks in thems house. Tis a well known fact. Well tis mostly well known to them. Finally after many years I have cracked it. I stand naked and on me head in the far corner with one leg out the window and t'other up the chimney and wiggle all me all toes. 'Do ye get a better signal then Beth I hear ye ask?'  Well to be honest with ye no it don't. But I can't send texts or make phone calls when I upside down and freezing me arse off.

FRIDAY: I like GP's behind closed doors. Although I think ours is more interesting. Well when I go it is. I gee them along and have a sing song. Last night though, whilst toasting with a glass of Bailey's to the young man who got dry from alcohol and turned his life around and I had tears in my eyes for the old dear who was told she could not have a slice of cake a day. No one needs to be told to cut the cake out or even cut the cake! No one needs this kind of negativity. Also Mines Mr Husband has hidden the Karcher after I steamed cleaned his bald patch. Don't know what I will do today. I just bought four new nozzles for it.

SATURDAY: Well, yesterday afternoon, I was just sitting there minding me own business- like you do and Mines Mr Husband suggested that I get one of my five a day. I said I was sure I didn't know what he was on about. He said 'they begin with ''F''  so they do'. Well that didn't take me long to work out- I was up over the stairs and stripped off naked and on the bed before you could say 'Jumping Jack Sprat'. 'I will be waiting up here for one of my five' I shouted. To be honest I thought five fecks a day were a bit ambitious at our times of life. A few minutes later I hear him coming up over the stairs,  and fully clothed too- and then he left a bowl of fruit salad by the bed for me and went back to his computer. What's all that about then??

AND FINALLY.......BETHS FIRST TOP TIT OF THE NEW YEAR- Don't put up Christmas trees and trimmings- then ye don't have the hard work of takings them down again. You're welcome.

Testicles, Bonfire Doodah and the Nun

Monday -Phew. Just been for a swim. Well I have had a bath with no clothes on. Same thing. Whilst I was there I realized it is Movember. Ya know what that means don't ye? A return to feel 'em Friday and suck 'em Saturday. Yes ye can go round feeling testicles willy nilly in the name of saving men from themselves. Oh much excitement here now. NOTE TO SELF: must not do it to store manager at tesco this year.

 Tuesday - Apparently calling security and getting the store emptied in Debenhams is unacceptable - well how the feck was I supposed to know I was in the luggage department. I only went in to browse the knickers. Apparently that's unacceptable too- called perversion or something. Nobody wants any fun anymore.

Thursday Also -Well I be hearing ye all asking for another of Beths Top Tips. Well I have more than one for ye today. First of all it be bonfire doodah- although its looking a tad on the moist side to me. And so is bonfire doodah. Pussies hate firework night. Keep your hand on your pussies, snaffle thems real tight and keep thems safe from big bangs. Second top tip if ye are havin a baby call it Gary cos they be on the wane. I don't care if it be a girl- we need some Garys. And thirdly tis this- don't fart and belch at the same time.' Why ever not?' I hear ye all ask. Well I will tell ye. Cos ye feels like ye body is being wrenched in two directions and it makes ye feel weird. I may put that it in my second book- 'The secret life of mines little sister (she is a nun!), rhubarb and brain farts. Watch later, going to post a bit from me first book to whet ye appetitties of all thems who can't be making up thems minds to buy one.

 Sunday -I always dread mines Mr Husband finishing nights because he suffers bear with sore head days- and so do I. On the plus side I can serve him his Christmas pudding (I know its November- but that's how we roll) with garlic mayonnaise instead of cream and doesn't mind. Doesn't notice, doesn't mind. Same thing.

Wednesday -Mines Mr Husband has been asking me (nicely) to let go of his testicles all the week. I tell him it's all in the name of Movember and keeping him safe.' I am feeling for lumps', I told him.' I found two'. Philip Schofield always tells us to feel for them in Movember.  Anyways Mines Mr Husband says its not good to do in the supermarket, council offices or park. I did find two lumps though. But they feel like brains to me to be fair. He says they are supposed to be there. I am telling all of ye because now I have found them I am not sure what I am supposed to do with them.

 Thursday -Mines Mr Husband is questioning my decision to get up early this morning and run around the garden naked in the rain. Decision? I am not sure it was a decision- more of an urge I would say. There was a pussy after me tits- I had to do it. What would you have done???

Keep ye eye for me- I will be back.......................