Revolutions, Polished Knobs and Karchared Cracks

Glad to say Christmas is behind us now- only another 51 weeks until the next one- unless we end up nuked by then by the loonies who now in charge of the world. So what ye be up to Beth I hear I ask. Well this is it- hang on to yer hats and get yerself a coffee- or a Baileys if ye haves any left:

SUNDAY: First I done me new years Revolutions:

Find New Supermarkets to try the Naked Wrecking Ball Routine. Practice twerking and whipping Nae Nae.

Find Shops with managers who are more tolerant to the above.

Keep up the Sing along with Beth and Elvis. Throw in a bit of 
Robbie for good measure. Get more Elvis and Robbie CDS. Lawfully.

Get new nail scissors to do fringe.

Practice fringe cutting more so it don't look like the toddler next door has been let loose with the hedge trimmer on it. 
Practice on passers by if necessary.

Write more books.

Find fresher dead animals for Mr Husband (stop him whinging so much)

Buy more orgasm socks- have more orgasms (but not in Tesco as don't want to be arrested)

Get in shape. Cake shape is good. Keep scales hidden- they are dangerous to your mental health and they tell lies.

Go to the gym more often- watch the hunks working out. 
Remember to take money for chocolate.

This year don't get into trouble for being in relationships with hunky men. Well, I mean, don't get caught stalking.

Try harder not to fart when the osteopath bends ye in half. Clench them buttocks Beth.

Be nicer to the neighbours, except the skinny bitch next door. It is perfectly acceptable to ram her front door sideways up her rectum if she continues to slam it. No law against it.

Remember a daily glass of Baileys is good for you. Packed with calcium and calcium is good for your bones.

Trim bush more regularly. No good having bush envy all the year when you see the neighbours have perfectly neatly trimmed bushes if ye don't make an effort with ye own.

Buy new over shoulder bolster holders to stop nipples sparking on pavement.
END OF REVOLUTIONS.

MONDAY:Tis nice to see so many people starting the year positive. I am no exception. First positive thing to put in me positive jar- I survived another apocalypse. Yay- go me!!

Today, with it being the first day of a new year and all such stuff, I am going to polish up all me knobs. One likes to start the new year with newly polished, shiny knobs. Yen I am going to suss out this living in Japan business- well I am off to get some seaweed. Same thing.

Note to self: Don't get the instructions 'Wrap your tinsel round me baubles mixed up with wrap your tonsils round me ball balls.'

TUESDAY: Feeling Amused and Pleased: I am simply in love with my new Karcher washer. It gets mould out of cracks and crusty bits off knobs. I waited until Mines Mr Husband was bent over and on went the Karcher.................... One clean- if a little surprised husband. All clean and ready for new application of Gorilla Glue. When he gets back from the hospital. Apparently you aren't supposed to do colonic irrigation at home. Well who knew?
Mmmm What to Karcher today?

WEDNESDAY: Steam cleaned in between Mines Mr Husbands toes with the Karcher yesterday. He said he doesn't know what to do with himself. He is so Karchered he can't sit down and he can't stand up. Currently crawling round on his knees. Shame really cos I was just about to do his belly button with it.

 THURSDAY: When I visit mines Muvver and Mines Favver tis very difficult to get a signal on my mobile doodah. Tis true signal is crap out in the sticks in thems house. Tis a well known fact. Well tis mostly well known to them. Finally after many years I have cracked it. I stand naked and on me head in the far corner with one leg out the window and t'other up the chimney and wiggle all me all toes. 'Do ye get a better signal then Beth I hear ye ask?'  Well to be honest with ye no it don't. But I can't send texts or make phone calls when I upside down and freezing me arse off.

FRIDAY: I like GP's behind closed doors. Although I think ours is more interesting. Well when I go it is. I gee them along and have a sing song. Last night though, whilst toasting with a glass of Bailey's to the young man who got dry from alcohol and turned his life around and I had tears in my eyes for the old dear who was told she could not have a slice of cake a day. No one needs to be told to cut the cake out or even cut the cake! No one needs this kind of negativity. Also Mines Mr Husband has hidden the Karcher after I steamed cleaned his bald patch. Don't know what I will do today. I just bought four new nozzles for it.

SATURDAY: Well, yesterday afternoon, I was just sitting there minding me own business- like you do and Mines Mr Husband suggested that I get one of my five a day. I said I was sure I didn't know what he was on about. He said 'they begin with ''F''  so they do'. Well that didn't take me long to work out- I was up over the stairs and stripped off naked and on the bed before you could say 'Jumping Jack Sprat'. 'I will be waiting up here for one of my five' I shouted. To be honest I thought five fecks a day were a bit ambitious at our times of life. A few minutes later I hear him coming up over the stairs,  and fully clothed too- and then he left a bowl of fruit salad by the bed for me and went back to his computer. What's all that about then??

AND FINALLY.......BETHS FIRST TOP TIT OF THE NEW YEAR- Don't put up Christmas trees and trimmings- then ye don't have the hard work of takings them down again. You're welcome.

Camel Toes, Neon Fish and Knickers

Hows it all going me ol' babbers. I am still at it. Adventuring and writing. Getting ready for the big adventure of me life. Well that will be death probably but that be another story. I found out this week tis a lot of money to take the cable car up the Ben Nevis on our holiday. They do have cake up there at the top. But Mines Mr Husband won't want to pay all that money to go up in the cable car so he won't. So I shall crawl up on me hands and knees so I shall. I just hope they still got cake by the times I gets there.

 Tuesday: That was a successful trip taking mines Mr Husband to the Doctor. I could be a Doctor. I told him what was wrong with him and what he needed- before he went. I could do that job. Then Mines Mr Husband came home and said 'I have a list of questions now'- I told him he better make another appointment. He said 'No, not for the Doctor- for you'- I felt highly honoured he respects my doctoring skills.  'Fire away' I says. Then he asks these non essential questions:

'Why did ye give all the little neon fish from the tank to the young boy?' - Well I wasn't expecting that but I thought he be working up to the important question. 'Well', I tells him - 'T'was one for every spot on his little face'. He said 'It was acne, he is a teenager'. Tis true, but it cheered  him up. The receptionist......... less so. Then he said 'And why did ye ask that old man if he had peed his trousers and had to borrow his wifes?'. Stupid question I thought. 'Because they was pink trousers and men don't wear pink trousers as a rule'. He said 'Well it matched his shirt'. Now I am worried because Mines Mr Husband has bought a pink shirt today (to match his eyes) and I am not keen on him buying pink trousers to match! Then he said 'And why did you ask that man stood up if it was because he had piles and couldn't sit down and worst of all why did you ask that dear old lady on the crutches if she was here to see the doctor about her camel toe?'. .. 'Because' - I said 'it was yuk, yuk yukkety'.  He said I am not allowed to go to the doctors next time he goes because I can't mind me own Fuk Fuk Fukkety buisness. Umph! Always pissing on me chips that man!!

Thursday: There is some asshole on a motorbike that keeps tearing round this estate at stupid times of sleepiness for the rest of us. But I have a soft spot for him- a swamp at bottom of road- dirty disgusting place tis. In the morning I shall lie in wait for him and flash and jiggle mines boobies. That should throw him.............straight into the swamp! Never let it be said boobies are not useful.

Well after watching years and years of the Air Ram hoover doofer thing now he has invented a bush trimmer. It is very quiet and very light- apparently. Well because I have the frymejelly thingy and I get achey arms I am thinking of getting one of these because apparently it is light enough you can hold it above your head to trim your bush! I thought I may be able to do me fringe and me eyebrows at the same time! Gotta be worth a try.

 Monday: Not long til me holidays now and we are discussing what we will be doing. Mines Mr Husband has suggested we have sex in different hotels. I said 'I am up for that if you are- as long as each different hotel I have it in the whoever is a hot hunk- I don't wanna be just having it with anybody'. Apparently that's not what he meant so he off to work grousing. T'was what I thought he meant. I will be just as happy if there is only cake.x

This arferitis is playing havoc with my fingers and I can't undo lids on things anymore.  'Take me top off' I said to mines Mr Husband. He did. That is why I am naked if you are wondering. We are at the bus stop and I did want the top taking off me drink but I ain't fussy I ain't.

 Saturday: We are experimenting tonight in the bedroom. My bedroom none the less. Yep- I have a new weapon to try in the snore war- tis new ear phones to listen to me Elvis through. I have had a little experiment this morning. Yep me and Elvis and a singalong with Beth and Elvis (just to try out the new earphones ye understands). I don't know if it the neighbours could hear anything or not- they are all gone out now- curious indeedy. On the plus side I didn't hear them go. So thems headphones must work.

FRIDAY: I am toying with going to Tesco and Dunelm all by myself today- I know I have to do the M5 bit to Tesco, and its not going it is coming back- maybe I should be better off just doing co-op- Oh I don't know- I wish I didn't have to make such decisions.....................Just checking traffic- looks like I gotta to avoid London Rd in Leicester. Mmm- tricky- its not exactly on my main route- well it shouldn't be but getting back from Tesco- tis easier to go with the flow.......

FRIDAY afternoon: Well tis very exciting here. I am celebrating with lemonade and a yogurt, I have not only been to Tesco but I have managed to get home. I managed to get home!! Without even going near London Road in Leicester. On the down side, they had turned Tesco completely back to front and I couldn't find anything I wanted. I nearly had a meltdown there and then. Us peoples with Aspergers cannot cope with the supermarket being turned back to front. On the plus side I got meself one and half new boyfirends. One was as old as the hills, one foot in the grave and one on a bar of soap- but we just clicked. I helped him choose new socks for the golf club (he said price wasn't important to him- I thought -'onto a winner ye are here Beth- he be wealthy'). I wasn't sure if it was a good time to talk orgasm socks- he didn't look as if he could cope with that. Especially not in Tesco. Then I help him choose his dandruff shampoo- he wanted the one that was smooth and shiny (for the golf club)- tis true he didn't have a lot of hair but he may not just have been using it on his head. I didn't ask. Tis not my place to pry into old men's personal hygiene habits. Then he helped me choose new knickers and incontinence pads. Seems we really clicked. Then I helped him choose sun tan lotion- for when he is at the golf club. It all happens at this feckin golf club. Then he wandered off - I think he got confused. In the meantime I met another old chap who helped me look for Pizza bases in not one but two aisles but we didn't click quite as much. Looking for Pizza bases is not the same as looking for knickers and socks together. Plus I think he had a wife. That could have made things a little awkward. Then I met up with the other one again in the saucy Aisle. I am in there guys I tell ye. And he got money. And he won't be a pain in the arse cos he will be at the golf club all day. Anyways I ain't been to Dunelm yet. I can't work out how to get to it without coming home and starting again. And I gotta go Co-op for stamps yet. All go yer tis.

Orgasm socks, Big knickers and Hats

ANOTHER WEEK IN THE CRAZY WORLD OF BETH

TUESDAY: As me holiday draws ever near I am thinking I still don't have any new knickers to accompany on me trip. Mines Mr Husband, still looking tent size knickers. I bulk at such garments. He reminds me tis very nippy up there on that there Bens Nevis. 'Tis ok', I tells him, that means it will be windy in the valley and the exposed bushes shall take a good blow through'.  He says he don't like the idea of exposed bushes at all and now he is looking at harvest festival knickers (ye know the sort- all is safely gathered in- goggy catchers me granny called them) for me. I am sure tis a lie that knickers are worn regularly north of the border. I am going to be checking under all the kilts when I get there! I we will looking for old bag and pipes and unkempt bushes.

WEDNESDAY : Mines Mr Husband and I (note the regal undertones here) watched the programme about mediation last night. Unable to believe how pathetic some people are when it comes to agreeing over the divorce thing. We said that if we ever divorced then we wouldn't be so childish. I said 'I tell ye what ye have custody of your kids and I will have custody of mine'. He thought this was a super idea. Then I said 'And we will sell this house and have 50/50 each' He thought that was an even better idea. Then he said 'The only thing I be wondering- which one of us shall tell the Landlord?'.....................mmmm tricky- trust him to find a snag.

FRIDAY : Because we have something visits our garden in the night and re-arranges the egg shell on me border I got Mines Mr Husband to rig up the CCTV so it's filming me garden. I am having a lovely day today watching the bath mats and me britches flapping about on the garden line! That's my day sorted!

SATURDAY ;I was thinking about packing my bikinis for my holiday in Scotland. I do have some now. Well I have the bottoms. Mines little sister (not the one with the issues, the day confusion, the accidental blue hair, the part time camel toe (by her own admission) and tinny titsus in her ears) - no the other one with the big boobies, well she gave me some bikinis. Well she gave me the bottoms because she don't wear them. She kept the tops because she said we could look like twins in them. Also I think it is one of thems nice gestures like the sisters necklace- you know you have half each. But we skint bitches so we have done it with bikinis. Anyways I asked mines Mr Husband 'Do thems wear bikinis in Scotland'- of course they do he said. I jumped straight up to pack mine- then he added 'when they go to the swimming pool or on holiday to Spain and sometimes on the one hot day of the year they have- they have had already had it this year my ickle pickcle'. So no bikini for Scotland. Tis settled- I shall have to go naked!

MONDAY: There I am limping round B&Q  waiting for the things we are looking for to jump out at me to save me little legs. You know the kinda things. Velcro fastening for Mines Mr Husbands crack (in case the gorilla glue wears off on holiday), u shaped nail things (for same thing) and the odd plant that will look nice in me garden- it will look nice among all the other odd plants, when Mines Mr Husband says 'are ye in pain my little luvver?' I says to him ' Of course I am - I not be limping to try to get me shopping half the price ye know- I am in pain 24/7 ye knows'. He said 'ye don't very often say it do ye? I am yours Mr Husband, ye can tell me anything ye knows. Anything ye wants. I don't mind if ye grumbles about the pain'. What a lovely ol feller he is. 'Aw that be nice I said- can I tell ye absolutely anythin?'.  'Yes- ye can tell me anything at all' he said. 'Well I said 'I got wedgie and an itchy bum I think I got a splinter in it. Will ye take a quick look?'. That was before the man up the ladder fell off.  Not allowed in there either anymore!

SUNDAY: - I said to mines Mr Husband 'Oooer tis hot in yer in it don't ye thinks? Dos thee think its hot in yer?' He said 'Yeah but yer probably hotter than I cos ye are a woman of a certain age. Ye are menopausal aren't ye'. I had to agree with him- sweat running down from me four heads it was. Then he said 'Why don't ye takes yer hat and yer scarf  and yer gloves off me ol' babbers- ye won't sweat so much and ye will feel the benefits- tis height of summer ye knows'. I tell ye he is always pissing on me chips. I was trying 'em on to see if they still fits for me trip up Ben Nevis. Ye needs to be warm up there so ye doos. I be worried if I takes 'em off I will have growed out of 'em before I gets there and then I will be up there and puts them on in the first time since June and then they won't fits. He don't appreciate the planning that goes into a holiday that man!

THURSDAY: I made a video about the Orgasm Socks- ye can view it yer if ye needs to know about them or if ye got ten minutes to spare. Don't watch it if ye are prone to blushing or swooning. I don't want any of ye coming over all necessary on my blog. I don't want any of ye coming all over my necessary blog either!! Copy and paste one or both of the following links- but not a the same time................

https://youtu.be/bhY1Y5dYnY4
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