Naked, Beards, and Crayons

Ramblings from Beths Corner of the world this week.

 I was doubled up in excruciating pain for four hours. I rang Mines Mr Husband 'Come home quick and take me to the hospital' I cried. 'What is the matter mines Little Pumpkin' he says- 'I'm in Labour, the baby is coming now' I tells him. He drops everything and rushes home. He gets halfway home and calls me 'Hang on' he says-  I tells him 'I am feckin hanging on- I am hanging from the curtain pole here waiting for ye to get your feckin arse back here'. He says 'We aren't having a baby- you don't even have a womb'. I said, 'Oh ah, that is true'. He says 'if you are still in pain I suggest you have a really good fart'. I did. I went round the house like a feckin balloon and that my friends is why I am telling you this from behind the TV.

 When I married my first husband over 33 years ago we had a gift of a set of steak knives from my cousin Jayne. When we split up he awarded me three of them- he is kind like that. However I have decided to buy us (me and my new hubby) a nice new set. I am browsing Amazon and am amazed to find they are multi task and are called Steak and Pizza Knives. Then I find a set called Brazilian Steak Knives. Now I am questioning what exactly are steak knives used for these days and what's wrong with wax? Or even just a razor?

Mines Mr Husband still has his business trip looming and in bed last night still he is asking me to go. Apparently he doesn't want to take a secretary. Strange man he is. I says to him- 'I don't wanna go cos I won't have the car and you will have to drop me off in Farnborough and I will have to mill around a cold shopping centre all day - and I can't do that with me dodgy hips'. (Aside from the fact I have to sleep in a very posh hotel with him snoring'). He looked forlorn. I says 'the only other option is that I come to work with you and torment everyone at FS'- then it came to me 'Yes' I says 'I know I could hob knob with the big knobs- I have a few things they would be interested to hear about the big fat slimy git- I could cause ructions'. He looked horrified. So do you know what he says? No? I will tell ye. He says 'I would rather you didn't cos it's not very career enhancing my little pumpkin'. I says to him 'That doesn't matter at all cos I don't have a career'. He says 'I am going to get in my own bed now'.

I have been to the Doctors yesterday. I made the appointment ages ago in case I was poorly. Ye haves to these days. We went to the snobby surgery in the village today. It doesn't have fish. Or a receptionist. Just magazines about Horses and Dogs. Horse and Hound Dog. They was playing classical music. I said to an old woman next to me 'I don't go much on that music- its a racket'- she said 'nor me, it's a bit heavy'. I said 'I think we should have an Elvis singalong'. She agreed. We was just deciding which Elvis song we should sing (I opted for Hound Dog in keeping with the magazine rack) and then an old man said 'The classical music was just his kinda of thing and he would appreciate it if we didn't spoil it'. That was when the fight broke out and the Dr came and took me away. I was just getting into that. She is always pissing on my cake her.

I told the Doctor I had earache and she said 'Have you been shoving Crayons in your ears again Elisabeth?'. (I haven't- just hair grips cos I thought the man at the chemist said they was ear grips'). Anyways despite assuring her I didn't put crayons in me ear holes she still said they was filled with wax and now I have to go and have them cleaned out. Yay- I Won't be deaf no more. I will be able to hear Elvis better. Whoohoo. Also she said 'Stop using volterol. Tis what is making your tummy painful. She is giving me Piri Piri rub instead and told me to just rub it on me Piri Piri with utmost care. She said that she is proud of me giving up cups of tea. I have told her about the cake addiction yet. She is always pissing on my cake her.

Also this week we have had the local newsletter. Well the Vicar wrote a nice little article about her new pink and purple hair do with a nice little mention of the hairdresser involved. I am not sure if it was a warning about her or not but I for one will certainly avoid her if that's what happens to yer hair. I guess the vicar will be writing a lot of these things until someone decides to build her a church.

Also it had a nice little article on the boy racers that dog the estate. No mention of an old woman in a little pea having a sing a long with Elvis. Still I be sure to outrun them policemans since I been watching lots of Interceptor programmes. I be getting lots of tips off them I do. Also they complained about the boy racers at the airport. Thats thems pilots is that. But to be fair they are allowed to race up and down the runway. They call it taking off and landing.

The town council are going to uncover the estates history. That shouldn't take too long - only three year old. T'was just a few farmers fields before then.

Also the town council are making some improvements. They have mended all the street lamps. And removed the dog litter bins. To be fair dogs don't have a lot of litter. So they didn't need them anyway.

 Finally they also showed all the pictures of the Pumpkin Party. I of course didn't get my picture in there. I wasn't invited because of my tendency to naked wrecking ball routines with me pumpkins and other peoples pumpkins as well. Next year I will wear a beard. They won't know its me then. I will get my picture of me in that magazine on me pumpkin by hook or by crook.

Tis rahter  is annoying when one of the main characters in your new, nearly finished book says 'Excuse me but could I have a different name please- I don't like the name Ernie'. I do like to please so I ended up going through names with him, Harold, Bertram, Dick, Hubert (nothing wrong with Hubert!), Arthur, George, Frederick, Albert, Abraham, Wally or - Colin. He said if that was the choice he would plump for Colin- as long as it was Colin Firth. For heavens sake- that would be sacrilege to cast him as Colin Firth. I can't have my fantasy ruined. So I told him ' Now look yer If you keep complaining about MY BOOK- I will kill you off. I am the Awfur remember'. Coming soon- BETHS NEW BOOK!! (We have decided on Mike-well I have)

  The last thing that happened this week :Mine's Mr Husband said he was popping upstairs to see a man about a dog. I heard him go in the bathroom. A few seconds later I heard a blood curdling scream. I didn't interfere. Well you don't do you when they have gone to see a man about a dog? A few seconds later I got a text from him. It read 'Pen is stuck'. So I text back 'Well use a pencil'. Mr Husband hasn't been down stairs for three hours now. Must be sharpening his pencil I guess. Or writing his memoirs. Think I will keep out of the way untill he emerges. Tis always the best course of action I think in these circumstances don't you.