Nice Xmas, Beards and Santa.

Sooo back to work today for everyone- although mines Mr Husband has not been home yet because the big fat slimy granny murdering bastard who buys his wife aftershave for xmas and steals other peoples promotions from under thems nose is a giant prick. (Note here he hasn’t been near work for almost a fortnight- although in fairness he is probably helping her in doors with her beard). I am pleased because Jumping Jerk Flash, (aka Billy Banana no friends my next door idiot) is gone back to work- I keep going out and walking up and down the drive just because I can without the idiot popping up from behind the wall to scare me half to death. Today is the day when everywhere you go (and indeed the rest of the week) when everyone says ‘Did you have a nice xmas?’- and everyone says ‘yes, quiet. And you?’ (Not really caring if you did or not). Nobody says ‘Well not really- I over ate to keep up with Santa, I am up to debt in my neck and have to go bankrupt  because the kids would have suffered enormously (in my mind and to ease my conscience) if I hadn’t of bought them everything their little hearts desired’. Or ‘it was too painful for me because no-one wanted me cos I am a miserable fecker’. Or ‘No- we had aunty Violet again- she sat in the corner sucking on a lemon and farting every three seconds and blaming the cat and filling our room with an aroma of old lady and rich tea biscuits’. Or ‘I didn’t get anything I wanted for xmas- I am so pissed off with everybody’. Yes Guys I am sooo glad I don’t go to work! Of course I have to go to the shops- and we all know the till staff are trained to ask ‘Did you have a nice Xmas’- and I will say ‘Quiet, and You?’ And then she will say ‘Yes’- Now can you please get off the conveyer belt and put your clothes on. Something along those lines. I get that every time I do a shop these days. Some people have no sense of adventure.

Dicks, Pickles and Road Kill

I could be making ye all a video to say the Happy New Year thing but I not be very good at that. So first of all did ye have a good xmas?

Mines Mr Husband bought me a dick thingy for christmas for me to talk to at night. If I wakes up in the night I can talk to it. I can tell it to remind me to get pickle or a toilet brush or whatever. Then its supposed to talk back to me. And type on my computer. I haven't figured that out yet. Also when he is at work and I am lonely I can do it too.

I was going to get Mines Mr Husband a present from the side of the road on the way to me sisters. They have better deaded things out there. He didn't want them. Then we managed to kill one ourselves. Well not strictly true- the man in front did but it attached itself to my pea because it wanted to come home with us. Sadly when we got home there was only a feather left. I told Mines Mr Husband to get it whilst it was still fresh. But oh no not him. Fussy arse. And it has broken my pea underneath all for nothing. Still got him a nice left training shoe and a pink cardigan. (It will wash).

I could let facebook sort out the past year highlights but last year it picked up the highlight of my year was wearing me knickers inside out and back to front.  I got in that pickle cos I don't wear them often to be honest.

I like to think about what I learned. I am not too old to learn. I learned if ye are patient ye can photograph the woodpecker and the kingfisher. But not together. Why not? I hear ye ask- because they are in different places I tell ye.

I learned that the lochness monster DOES exist- I seen the ripples in the loch where he had just come to see me. I learned that Dolphins, Cows with fringes, Eagles and Dolphins and Otters are a myth in Scotland and that Scotsmen are coy about letting you look up their skirts. I also learned it its raining in Scotland and Yorkshire ye see feck all! I also learned that their water falls are right slippery. I learned that the hard way.

I learned it is not just Tesco who chuck you out for doing the naked wrecking ball routine. All supermarkets seem to have this ridiculous policy. I also learned all the police stations in the area of pictures of me naked. Perverts.

I learned if ye finds a bag of doughnuts under a bush they are probably still good to eat and saves ye a fortune.

I learned some people will always be fucknuggets and others cockmuppets. Some will always be misery arses and some will always be control freaks. They take offence at the slightest thing, they make things up in their heads and tell others you are hurting them when you haven't even said anything. But that's ok- they still got things to learn. I just hope they do it somewhere else next year.

Best of all I learned the Angels, when pestered enough, make things happens for you and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had to turn the fecker on meself mind you and then the angels did the rest. All will be ok. Do you hear me? ALL will be ok. Unless the end of the world comes again tonight. Then we are all fecked.

Next year I hope to go to Japan- tis quiet and clean and neighbours respect each other. Sounds good to me. Alas Mr Husband will not be able to come there- he likes to fart in public and they don't be liking that in Japan.

So Happy New Year to ye all. And don't forget to get me new book!!!!

Marmite, Nuts and No Knickers

 THIS WEEK AT THE NUT HOUSE!

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband said Why did you shout out "I'v got no knickers on" at the top of the stairs this afternoon? Well that confused me. 'Cos you told me too" I said. 'Yes' he said, 'but I meant at home, not at the top of the stairs in Marks and Spencers'. He never makes things feckin clear that man. I always have to work it out for meself!!

I don't think that mine's Mr Husband should suggest date nights and then complain when I trawl dating websites for some one to go with. He contradictory that man is.

Also: Mines Mr Husband has asked me if I want to go on a business trip with him in a few weeks. WTF?? 'Why can't ye takes yer secretary like every other man who goes on business?' I asked him. 'Cos I don't have a secretary' was all he could think of replying. Well tis true. He don't. Always pissin on my cornflakes that man!

THURSDAY;Well a while back mines son-in-law gived me a little tit for me cooking. Add marmite to stews and Bologneses for extra taste. Infact ye can add to anything he said. Let me tell you I have tried it and it's fecking horrible on yer rice krispies. My rice krispies are refusing to tell me what to do today. Thats cos they don't like Marmite! Also I added some to the bath last night. Not a good idea- when I got out mines Mr Husband thought I had smeared meself with chocolate for a kinky dare and chased me all over the house. He is now sulking cos he feckin hates marmite. That will teach him to keep his tongue in his mouth so it will.

ALSO -So there is a house full of PYT's (Pretty Young things) this week next door having a holiday and shenanigans. Mines Mr Husband has been pleading with me to cover him in Chocolate and throw him over the fence. 'I am horrified at the mere suggestion' I tells him- ' I simply cannot believe you expect me to waste my chocolate on such things- go round and knock on the door and wait to be invited in like normal people'. He is gone to the shed to sulk. This still worries me as we still don't have a shed.

WEDNESDAY ;Here we go- I so don't need a calender to know when we are nearing xmas. Here come the adverts. Get thee self a snow leopard or a mankywankydonkey with only three legs for the price of just three squids. Or why not treat theeself to a homeless person for christmas. To be truthful I did that a few year back now and he hasn't moved out yet- he says 'I am yer husband ye little pickled walnut and I am so staying'.(ooo- sorry Kim me ol' bean- didn't think then!! Best not mention pickled walnuts to yer Mr Husband). Although tis true I have taught him about soap, water, deodrant and such things. He only cost £26. A bargain at half the price. Anyways I have found him a nice jumper for Christmas this year. T'was just there at the side of the road. It needed a bit of attention- a few stitches and a good wash or two. Still has a tyre mark round middle but I said to him 'Will not show when tis on- every one gets a spare tyre round the middle when they gets older'. He is sulking still though. Can't win em all ye can't.

 TUESDAY: Mines Mr Husband is wanting me to lie down and take my temperature with his thermometer. Although why I have to strip I have no idea. He says he is baffled and thinks I am in need of medical attention because I went to the shops- Laura Ashley at that- went in, bought the one thing I wanted to buy. I didn't look at anything else. I didn't buy anything else. Although tis true I was quite taken with a nice tool box in Homebase as I went past and I do a have a bradawl and some electrical screwdrivers for doing things. And I really do like tool boxes. But I didn't buy it. Also I drove past Dunelm and didn't go in. I didn't even tempt myself with looking at the place. Now ye all thinks this is peculiar behaviour from me. But the truth is Mines Mr Husband hit me with a shock this week. He says he doesn't enjoy shopping- and he doesn't (in particular I note) enjoy shopping in Dunelm. He doesn't find it relaxing as I do. I am horrified. Mortified. All the days I have selflessly dragged around there with him trying to find him presents for Fathers Day, Christmas, Birthdays, Mothers days and all the days in between. I think he is the one who needs laying down and having his temperature taken and I won't tell ye where I will shoving thermometer.

SATURDAY: We went to visit mines little sister and on the way I stopped to get mines Mr Husband a nice fox. T'was dead. I thought would go nicely round his neck on a night out. It could start a fashion trend. He said 'no, thank you- I don't want it'. I said 'But you haven't got a fox yet - well not a whole one'. He refused point blank and made me get back in the car. Never let it be said that I am the mean one in this relationship- I do try me hardest.

MONDAY: Ye probably been thinking I been quiet for a Monday morning. Well I been out round the local shops making some friends and get this I have appeared in a movie. Mines Mr Husband didn't. He wasn't there. He wasn't in the mood for making friends or the movies. I asked them 'What ye doing- can I be in this film?'. They said they didn't need me. I said 'oh go on- I makes me own videos and everyfin. I have been on This morning (you know- the bulldog clip thing) and I am on Youtube Face whatsitappy thingy and I am big in Russia'. They said they didn't need me. I told them I wasn't going home until they at least let me audition for the part. They said they didn't need anyone at all. I said 'I knows, let me do a bit of Elvis singalong with Beth for ye- do anyone have any music?' They said 'no, now go away'. I ignored them. I said 'Oy you with the fluffy thingy candy floss on a stick- have ye got any Elvis music- or any music will do- I will just sing an Elvis song over the top?' He said 'no- get out of the way'. I told ye I was going to be big in Hollywood and ye gotta start somewhere so ye have. So then I surprised them all and stripped naked and danced and jiggled me boobies and me knees and sung Hound Dog anyway. And its not even naked singing and dancing day.Yay I will be famous- once one of yous kinds peoples sends some bail money. Thankyeees muchly.