Revolutions, Polished Knobs and Karchared Cracks

Glad to say Christmas is behind us now- only another 51 weeks until the next one- unless we end up nuked by then by the loonies who now in charge of the world. So what ye be up to Beth I hear I ask. Well this is it- hang on to yer hats and get yerself a coffee- or a Baileys if ye haves any left:

SUNDAY: First I done me new years Revolutions:

Find New Supermarkets to try the Naked Wrecking Ball Routine. Practice twerking and whipping Nae Nae.

Find Shops with managers who are more tolerant to the above.

Keep up the Sing along with Beth and Elvis. Throw in a bit of 
Robbie for good measure. Get more Elvis and Robbie CDS. Lawfully.

Get new nail scissors to do fringe.

Practice fringe cutting more so it don't look like the toddler next door has been let loose with the hedge trimmer on it. 
Practice on passers by if necessary.

Write more books.

Find fresher dead animals for Mr Husband (stop him whinging so much)

Buy more orgasm socks- have more orgasms (but not in Tesco as don't want to be arrested)

Get in shape. Cake shape is good. Keep scales hidden- they are dangerous to your mental health and they tell lies.

Go to the gym more often- watch the hunks working out. 
Remember to take money for chocolate.

This year don't get into trouble for being in relationships with hunky men. Well, I mean, don't get caught stalking.

Try harder not to fart when the osteopath bends ye in half. Clench them buttocks Beth.

Be nicer to the neighbours, except the skinny bitch next door. It is perfectly acceptable to ram her front door sideways up her rectum if she continues to slam it. No law against it.

Remember a daily glass of Baileys is good for you. Packed with calcium and calcium is good for your bones.

Trim bush more regularly. No good having bush envy all the year when you see the neighbours have perfectly neatly trimmed bushes if ye don't make an effort with ye own.

Buy new over shoulder bolster holders to stop nipples sparking on pavement.
END OF REVOLUTIONS.

MONDAY:Tis nice to see so many people starting the year positive. I am no exception. First positive thing to put in me positive jar- I survived another apocalypse. Yay- go me!!

Today, with it being the first day of a new year and all such stuff, I am going to polish up all me knobs. One likes to start the new year with newly polished, shiny knobs. Yen I am going to suss out this living in Japan business- well I am off to get some seaweed. Same thing.

Note to self: Don't get the instructions 'Wrap your tinsel round me baubles mixed up with wrap your tonsils round me ball balls.'

TUESDAY: Feeling Amused and Pleased: I am simply in love with my new Karcher washer. It gets mould out of cracks and crusty bits off knobs. I waited until Mines Mr Husband was bent over and on went the Karcher.................... One clean- if a little surprised husband. All clean and ready for new application of Gorilla Glue. When he gets back from the hospital. Apparently you aren't supposed to do colonic irrigation at home. Well who knew?
Mmmm What to Karcher today?

WEDNESDAY: Steam cleaned in between Mines Mr Husbands toes with the Karcher yesterday. He said he doesn't know what to do with himself. He is so Karchered he can't sit down and he can't stand up. Currently crawling round on his knees. Shame really cos I was just about to do his belly button with it.

 THURSDAY: When I visit mines Muvver and Mines Favver tis very difficult to get a signal on my mobile doodah. Tis true signal is crap out in the sticks in thems house. Tis a well known fact. Well tis mostly well known to them. Finally after many years I have cracked it. I stand naked and on me head in the far corner with one leg out the window and t'other up the chimney and wiggle all me all toes. 'Do ye get a better signal then Beth I hear ye ask?'  Well to be honest with ye no it don't. But I can't send texts or make phone calls when I upside down and freezing me arse off.

FRIDAY: I like GP's behind closed doors. Although I think ours is more interesting. Well when I go it is. I gee them along and have a sing song. Last night though, whilst toasting with a glass of Bailey's to the young man who got dry from alcohol and turned his life around and I had tears in my eyes for the old dear who was told she could not have a slice of cake a day. No one needs to be told to cut the cake out or even cut the cake! No one needs this kind of negativity. Also Mines Mr Husband has hidden the Karcher after I steamed cleaned his bald patch. Don't know what I will do today. I just bought four new nozzles for it.

SATURDAY: Well, yesterday afternoon, I was just sitting there minding me own business- like you do and Mines Mr Husband suggested that I get one of my five a day. I said I was sure I didn't know what he was on about. He said 'they begin with ''F''  so they do'. Well that didn't take me long to work out- I was up over the stairs and stripped off naked and on the bed before you could say 'Jumping Jack Sprat'. 'I will be waiting up here for one of my five' I shouted. To be honest I thought five fecks a day were a bit ambitious at our times of life. A few minutes later I hear him coming up over the stairs,  and fully clothed too- and then he left a bowl of fruit salad by the bed for me and went back to his computer. What's all that about then??

AND FINALLY.......BETHS FIRST TOP TIT OF THE NEW YEAR- Don't put up Christmas trees and trimmings- then ye don't have the hard work of takings them down again. You're welcome.