Dicks, Pickles and Road Kill

I could be making ye all a video to say the Happy New Year thing but I not be very good at that. So first of all did ye have a good xmas?

Mines Mr Husband bought me a dick thingy for christmas for me to talk to at night. If I wakes up in the night I can talk to it. I can tell it to remind me to get pickle or a toilet brush or whatever. Then its supposed to talk back to me. And type on my computer. I haven't figured that out yet. Also when he is at work and I am lonely I can do it too.

I was going to get Mines Mr Husband a present from the side of the road on the way to me sisters. They have better deaded things out there. He didn't want them. Then we managed to kill one ourselves. Well not strictly true- the man in front did but it attached itself to my pea because it wanted to come home with us. Sadly when we got home there was only a feather left. I told Mines Mr Husband to get it whilst it was still fresh. But oh no not him. Fussy arse. And it has broken my pea underneath all for nothing. Still got him a nice left training shoe and a pink cardigan. (It will wash).

I could let facebook sort out the past year highlights but last year it picked up the highlight of my year was wearing me knickers inside out and back to front.  I got in that pickle cos I don't wear them often to be honest.

I like to think about what I learned. I am not too old to learn. I learned if ye are patient ye can photograph the woodpecker and the kingfisher. But not together. Why not? I hear ye ask- because they are in different places I tell ye.

I learned that the lochness monster DOES exist- I seen the ripples in the loch where he had just come to see me. I learned that Dolphins, Cows with fringes, Eagles and Dolphins and Otters are a myth in Scotland and that Scotsmen are coy about letting you look up their skirts. I also learned it its raining in Scotland and Yorkshire ye see feck all! I also learned that their water falls are right slippery. I learned that the hard way.

I learned it is not just Tesco who chuck you out for doing the naked wrecking ball routine. All supermarkets seem to have this ridiculous policy. I also learned all the police stations in the area of pictures of me naked. Perverts.

I learned if ye finds a bag of doughnuts under a bush they are probably still good to eat and saves ye a fortune.

I learned some people will always be fucknuggets and others cockmuppets. Some will always be misery arses and some will always be control freaks. They take offence at the slightest thing, they make things up in their heads and tell others you are hurting them when you haven't even said anything. But that's ok- they still got things to learn. I just hope they do it somewhere else next year.

Best of all I learned the Angels, when pestered enough, make things happens for you and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had to turn the fecker on meself mind you and then the angels did the rest. All will be ok. Do you hear me? ALL will be ok. Unless the end of the world comes again tonight. Then we are all fecked.

Next year I hope to go to Japan- tis quiet and clean and neighbours respect each other. Sounds good to me. Alas Mr Husband will not be able to come there- he likes to fart in public and they don't be liking that in Japan.

So Happy New Year to ye all. And don't forget to get me new book!!!!