Blowing, Sucking and Booby Jiggling

I been up the hospital for me tests and me photos. As soon as I got there I took mines clothes off. Mines Mr Husband said ' Put your clothes back on'. I said 'No- cos I am at the hospital and I have to take mines clothes off because the Dr wants to see mines chest and take a photograph'. He said 'Not in the car park he don't- and will you please stop draping yourself over the bonnets of cars. Now Cover that Kipper and Keep it warm'. When we got in the hospital he said 'Don't take your clothes off until the Dr asks you to'. Always pissing on my chips that man. I won't take him again there. Then when I was waiting they brought a dead looking person past. I said to the nurse 'Why are you bringing dead persons down here in the photo bit?' and she said 'She is not dead'. I poked her to make sure. She didn't move. So I tickled her toes. She didn't move. 'She looks a bit waxy to me -' I said to the nurse 'and she ain't be moving are you sure she ain't dead? -'. I put my hand over mouth to see if she was breathing. I seen that on the Telly to tell if someone is not dead yet. Then the bitch bit me. Not the nurse- the dead woman on the bed. Well she didn't bite. She didn't have teeth. But she did give me nasty suck. I said to the nurse 'you are right- she ain't dead -yet!' Then it was my turn to see the photograph woman and finally I was allowed to take my top off and stand in front of the machine. She said 'stop jiggling the boobs please'. I said 'I am not- it always happens when I take the over shoulder boulder holder off- they go in different directions like two wild jellies- here there and everywhere. Out of control'. Anyway when they eventually settled by me knees she took photographs. Then she sent me to the nurse to do me heavy breathing. I am good at that. I had to blow into a machine and don't stop. Just like when you have too much Baileys. She kept saying 'Blow- Don't suck'. I said 'I have always had trouble mixing up my blowing and sucking me dear- stick with it and don't give me a party popper or we will have trouble'. (Read the booky peoples, read the booky'). On the way out I asked the old man in the wheel chair if he want me to strip off to cheer him up. He said yes. So I did. He had a stroke. I have been asked not to attend again for safety of other patients. How Rude- What if I am ill?

Chest and Nuts Roasting By an Open Fire...........

You all be thinking I been quiet. Well not quite. I had been busy pushing my new book- SO IS THIS HEAVEN? Me, Elvis and Facebook. What ye means ye didn't know. Quick- get yerself to Amazon before January 5th and get yerself a copy half the price it will be in January. Free delivery if ye spends ten squids.  Ye won't be disappointed I tells ye.

Well we had a reasonable Christmas- although t'was true we had to travel yer, ther, and everywher.  At home 'twas just me and he. Roasting chest and nuts be an open fire. Singed bits all round. On the plus side Mines Mr Husband bought me a dick thing that I can talk into. This will come in handy when I am left alone when he goes to work.

Well according to my stars I was to have a frisky Christmas and a wonderful night with a lover. I thought Johnny Depp is coming round. Still waiting. Also I must say since I have had me lug holes cleared out I can hear so much better. I can hear her three doors down eating her Mr Husbands nuts now.

I waited for a parcel to be delivered Friday. Well three.. Yodel  brought one of them. They text me to say that they would be delivered before 9pm. Also there were 65 to be delivered before mine. I know I am no Carol Vorderman but I did some calculations and worked out that mine would be 66th. They have to deliver a parcel every three minutes according to mines Muvver. And she knows this stuff. She watches a lot of telly. I did some more calculations and this means mine would be delivered sometime later precisely. Yay- I had time to go to the loo without worrying that that will be the precise time he would knock the door. I do like a poop in peace. I also worked out that there should have been three delivery men. However, there were only two. So there is a space under me stairs still going begging..............

They got a Christmas tree by the shops here in Crankbrook. I did see it I did when I when I went to the Co-op. It has lots of presents round the bottom. Well I mean it HAD lots of presents round the bottom of it. On a different note I am happy. I got lots of presents for Christmas this year for myself.

I wonder why they never had any decorations on that tree. I bet some fecker stole them.

I seen all my lovely children. Mines Girl bought us something to share. A necklace and ear rings set. Mines Mr Husband is having the ear rings. I am going to pierce is nipples when he is asleep. If ye wonders what else happens to his nipples when he is asleep ye needs to buy my book so ye do.

Also her over the road trimmed up her bush with fairy lights. 'Twas all twinkly all over the festive period. And her down by muvvers she went and done her bush up to look like a xmas pudding. 'Tis true- me muvver took a picture of it. I do hope she don't going pouring brandy on it and setting it alight. 'Tis not good to have a burning bush. I had that once. The Doctor had to give me some cream for it.

I am going to do something nice with my bush next year.

Anyways me ol' cockers hopes ye all haves a nice 2017 and I can bring me little adventures to you all the time. Ye will all like that.