Top tips for Lonely people

TOP TIPS FOR LONELY PEOPLE

I am excited because we are having a visitor on Tuesday. Well I say visitor, it’s the estate agent- he is coming to do the inspection for the landlord. I like to follow them round telling them all my news. They send a different one each time so it doesn’t matter if I say the same stuff that I did last time. Then I thought we all get lonely sometimes so here are some tips to stop the lonliness.

Invite tradesmen to the house to give you quotes for jobs. You don’t have to have the work done but it will give you someone different to talk to every day for months if you start at the beginning of the yellow pages and work your way through.

Invite the local estate agents one a day to give you a valuation. Have cookies to hand.

Get someone in to do the ironing- It costs little – you get your ironing done and some hopefully cheerful conversation as well. Me mother uses this method so it is tried and tested.

Reply to the people on the telly -after all these people have come into your very living room especially to talk to you. Don’t be rude and sit there looking blank. And don’t laugh at them, laugh with them when appropriate. Laughing raises serotin levels- it can be found also in chocolate and orgasms.

Wait until a shop is empty and the assistant looks really busy- (she/he probably isn’t- they like to pretend- and if she/he is really busy she/he be will glad of a break) and talk to her/him. They love to hear about your thrush and your piles (of ironing obviously) and your grandfathers golfing antics and your brothers, girlfriends best friends fathers goldfish. Honest, they do. Don’t forgot to tell them you will call in again to see them but don’t tell them when, we don’t want them hiding anywhere do we now? It is sometimes polite to buy a newspaper or a bar of chocolate so they don’t think you have just gone into pester them. If they sell papers or chocolate. The next time you go take your holiday snaps or the ones of your kids or your neighbour’s bush – whatever you have to hand. They just love to see other people’s photos. Much better now we can take digital pictures because instead of just 24 you can show them hundreds. Don’t forget to buy something (small). If they try to get rid of you, (but why would they?- they value your custom after all) ask them for something you know they don’t sell and insist they look for it. My grandmother once had the woman in Boots chemist empty all the cabinets looking for Scholls foot remover. When the woman couldn’t find any she said ‘you keep looking my dear and I will be back at 3 this afternoon’. You can keep them busy all day long. Trust me they love this. I heartily recommend the Toy Cupboard in Burnham on Sea. Kathy loves company.

Ring a random number and just chat to the person on the other end. They maybe as lonely as you. Withold your number by putting 141 in the front of the number you dial- you don’t want any nutters ringing you back!! If you can’t afford to do this (and you don’t mind the nutters ringing you back) keep ringing the number and hanging up- eventually they will call you back to see who you are and what you want. Or they might report to you trading standards, BT or the police. Either way its win win for you because you still get someone to talk to.

Ring tradesmen and companies and do the same. They have loads of time to kill.

When a wrong number rings you keep them chatting- that’s even better because they are paying for the call. If you need to get rid of them for any reason ask them to come and help you hide the body.

Pop into your local surgery and chat to the receptionist – they got masses of time to kill. Ever seen a busy one?  Don’t bother with the dentist- they have a way of shutting you up fast. Although if its just company you crave- go for it.

Sidle up to a hassled looking mum in the park- give her some parenting tips. She will be glad of the distraction.

Search out bus stops, preferably ones with seats. Chat to people waiting for the bus. Don’t get on the bus, unless a) you have some money and b) it’s too good a conversation to let go and you still have loads to tell them and c) if they look alright to go all the way with- I mean to the next stop.

Get local estate agents to come and value the house. It really doesn’t matter if you rent the house- they are not to know. Then don’t let them out until you have talked and talked to them and got all your news off your chest.

Offer anyone who comes to the house a cuppa tea or coffee and some biscuits (I find parcel men and post men are a bit harder to catch but it can be done). They will then feel obliged to stay and chat. You can drug their drink if you are particularly lonely that day and want them to stay a bit longer. You may need rope and gaffer tape in case they escape.

Get a mirror on the bedroom ceiling (we got one). It provides a good talking point and ice breaker. Of course you have to take them to the bedroom to see it, but it’s not a problem if you catch a good looker!!

Traffic wardens are always good to chat to. And you could be saving some poor bugger a parking fine.

Bus drivers used to be good to talk to but they sit behind anti-social glass now. I only know this because I nearly got on a bus by accident the other week.

Go for a walk where all the dog walkers are. All the dog walkers are nutters and will talk to anyone. Don’t walk anywhere with them though because you have to be careful because they always find the bodies.

Don’t talk to bird watchers or photographers though because we hate that!

Become a hospital visitor. If you are especially chatty pick someone who looks really to sick to answer back or ring a bell. Visit the stroke ward and stroke a few.  Or take a pack lunch and sit in A&E and just chat randomly to anyone.

Find out what day the library holds information and advice days and go and ask for information advice- you don't have to take any but you can chat for hours to different people. Tried and tested. Do it naked also.

Scout the town for day time weddings- tag on and follow them to the reception. I always find if you grab hold of someone in a wheelchair and make out they be your Uncle Harold/Auntie Maud - no-one ever knows. I did this once - grabbed an old lady in a wheelchair at the doctors and took her for a spin and we ended up at a wedding and a funeral. Good day had by all. I even took the nurses outfit back at the end of the day.

Talking of Doctors book yourself a double appointment with a different doctor every week and just go and chat. Works everytime.

Wind your window down at the traffic lights and chat to the person in the car next to you. They like that.

Go to your local furniture land. They always offer cookies and coffees. Sit down, put your feet up. Bobs your Uncle and Fannys your Aunt. They will talk to you for ages - they think you are buying furniture. Choose a different suite to sit on every day!

IF you need anymore tips- well just ask me ol' babbers. But don't ask me cos I ain't go no more for now.

Russia and the KFC, Poems and Squirty Soap, Boobie Jiggling at Weddings.

Well if ye been wondering what I been doing this week- yer tis. If ye ain't be wondering tis still yer!!

 SUNDAY-Two things today :About this yer blog of mine. Mines Mr Husband helps me promote them so I get followers and readers. That's followers not stalkers. Although tis true ye can never tell these days. Thankye muchly if ye are a follower, or a stalker. Tis a pleasure to have ye on board.. Well, I used to be big in Alaska. I looked at the stats last night. I have mixed feelings about being big in Russia. I don't even write Russian. Is it the KFC I wonder who are watching me? Putin and his mates? Tis very curious. I have more Russian followers than English. Curious indeedy.

I have told mines Mr Husband that I have ordered some more Elvis CDs to play on the way to Scotland and back so me and Elvis can have a good sing a long.  I couldn't tell really if that was a pleased look or not. Anyways in other news he is fitting an ejector button to my seat in the Jag. Curious indeedy.

 MONDAY: Don't you just hate that moment when you are sat on the loo and a good poem comes in yer head and all ye haves to hand is loo roll and squirty soap! (Note to self: Install notebook and paper in loo- all three of them!)

TUESDAY: I been on a little trek today. I had to go from Devon to Burnham to the dentist because she won't come to me misery guts she is. Mines Mr Husband was really worried about me going all that way on the motorway on me todd. 'Find a car doing a steady 68 and follow it- ye won't go wrong' he said, and no flashing- not lights nor boobies. I was miffed. Not on the motorway long and I clocked a nice shiny BMW doing 68- well 71 but ssssh don't tell Mines Mr Husband. Yep I was surprised too- a BWM going that slow. But I stuck behind him like glue. He couldn't shake me off with a shitty stick. And that guys is why I am in a place called Manchester!

WEDNESDAY AM: Sat here waiting for another Electric man- rope in one hand and fresh roll of gaffer in other.

WEDNESDAY PM:I bet ye all wondering how the electric man got on ain't ye? He was late for starters. When he comed I was impatient. I opened the door and said 'Eelectric man?'- he had EON on his shirt. He said 'No'. I said 'Have ye brought cake and cookies like it says on me door?'- I pointed the notice out cos these peoples aren't always observant. He said 'No- I come to mend the boiler'. I told him if he hadn't brought cake or cookies I didn't know to let him in or not. He said 'look missus I am a supervisor'. I thought 'ooo-er a supervisor' so I grabbed him by the time and dragged him up me hole'. Then he ran back saying he had to lock the van. He came back willingly. Then he was only yer an hour- he has all his equipment out all over me floor and then he said he had to go cos one of his nuts was sheared off. I don't know if he will come back and finish the job. I bet he will send someone else. The same one never comes twice here. Curious indeedy.

THURSDAY AM: Well another adventure looms- I thought I would grace the Doctor with my presence today. Tis a long while since I been up there and caused chaos and I thought today would be a good day. I will think of a reason for a visit when I get there and have gauged her mood at seeing me. Tis not always a happy one.Time to get the pea out.

THURSDAY PM:

 Well that was a funny mother in the doctors- all I Said was 'What a lovely ginger baby you have and what pronounced eyebrows she has- are they her own?'. Well the look she gave me you would think she had never been asked that before. Curious woman indeedy. (Her- not me!)

SATURDAY : Yer all been thinking I been quiet. Well we went to me muvvers and helped her trying on her wigs. Then this evening we went to a wedding. We was invited. Well when I say we was invited - we just turned up. When I say we went to a wedding well we just sat outside with chips. But I said to mines Mr Husband 'lets go in and join in'. He said 'we don't even know who's wedding it is'. I told him 'see her in the white frock thing - yeah her that looks like she fell in a vat of meringue- well tis her wedding'. He said 'Well we don't know her'. I said 'yeah but, please lets go in- they will have cake- I am sure they will have cake'. Anyways we compromised and he went off and got chips. I sneaked in and got cakes. Then we sat outside and watched the arguments. I bet it was someone we knew. I wanted to stay to the end but he said 'no cos you will get lairy and pull your top up and jiggle your boobies'. I don't think mines Mr Husband has been to many weddings. People like that they do! Booby jiggling.

If tis not enough for you go to You Tube- And look for me- Lillielou Lucas and see the latest video.

Two legs in one Hole and the End of the World

WHATS BEEN HAPPENING DOWN BY YER- TIS THIS......

SUNDAY: According to Mines Mr Husband luring passing people in with cake and tea and then tying them to chairs to stop them escaping is not an acceptable way to make friends. Always pissing on my rice krispies that man.

TUESDAY: Tis all excitement here today- we are having a visitor. The Electric board are coming to service the ol' boiler. I have gaffer tape and rope ready. 'Put knickers on please' said Mines Mr Husband. Of course I am not happy about that. But we was in the bedroom and as he pointed out I have always said I only do what I am told when I am in the bedroom. My word is my bond. So I put knickers on. NEVER AGAIN. Within seconds I was flat on the floor facedown. Mines Mr Husband came racing to my rescue. 'What the blood and stomach pills are ye doing woman?' he said. I was in shock. 'T'was the knickers', I said, 'thems feckers tripped me up'. He just looked at me in disbelief. He got down to help me up, 'I see what the problem is' he said. 'Ye haves two legs in one hole. They also be on back to front and sideways.  And upside down'  And then he delivered the biggest blow of all 'And inside out' (Ye can read what ye will into that!!) 'Inside out' I cried- 'oh no- not inside out. Tis bad luck to wear knickers inside out. I cannot possibly wear them now'. He look at me in disbelief again. 'Don't be daft- tis not bad luck' he laughed. 'Well look at the pickle I am in- that's not good luck is it'. He laughed. 'I kneed him in the nose'. Now he believes wearing ye knickers inside out is bad luck!

WEDNESDAY; The Electric man cames yesterday to doofer the boiler. I said to mines Mr Husband after he left 'He was a man of few words wasn't he?' Mines Mr Husband looked at me and said 'Well, I think he was trying to get a word in edgeways but I think the gaffer tape round his face was holding him back somewhat. Why did ye feel the need to use so much?'. 'Well' I says to him 'He said my fringe was a bit to cock so I thought gaffer tape was the answer here'. Mines Mr Husband looked at my fringe. He said 'it's not a bit to cock my luvver, it's a lot to cock- he has a very good point- so does the electric man'. Now Mines Mr Husband won't be able to get a word in edgeways all day and I am off to Homebase to get more gaffer tape!

MONDAY: Two random thoughts I woke up with going round in my head today:

Why do police have so many accidents and incidents. I keep seeing signs saying 'POLICE ACCIDENT or POLICE INCIDENT'. They should be more careful. The other thing that baffles is me when they say 'Eyewitnesses say they heard a loud bang'- so in this case then they are not eyewitnesses- they are Earwitnesses surely?

And who sells shoes only worn a handful of times? Surely that should be Footful?

'How do ye know what ye are going to say and do each day Beth?' people have asked me. Well I tell ye me ol' babbers. I usually don't until I have had me breakfast. Then I do what the Rice Krispies tell me. Mines Mr Husband has buggered that up though. He has bought me granola for me breakfast now. I don't understand this foreign muck half as much I tell ye. So I have no feckin idea what I am doing or saying today. Beths Top Tit for the day : whatever ye doos today just remember nobody is listening anyway- well not until ye farts.. so stop clenching thems buttocks and let yerself be heard!

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband said 'As the world is going to end tomorrow sex kitten how would you like to spend the afternoon?' He had a twinkle in his eye and a bit o' grit I think- he kept squinting at me. I thought for a minute and then I said ' Well, I think you might be thinking the same as me'. I squinted back. 'Shall we?' he said. He didn't have to ask twice. I had a lovely afternoon in Dunelm. He is sat on the end of his bed looking miffed.

FRIDAY: Exeter's news this week: 'A man and a woman were seen being led away by officers away from bushes next to the rear entrance to the park from the Royal Albert Memorial Museum.'  I should offer advice here- if you are going to be doing things by the rear entrance- keep away from the bush.

I read nuts are good to increase serotonin levels. I am exhausted from chasing mines Mr Husband all over the house. He is hiding in the bathroom shouting 'the article said walnuts woman, be away with ye to Tesco'. Always pissin on my granola that man.

SATURDAY:
I nearly fell off that feckin conveyor belt in Sainsbury's trying to prove to that woman that it were not me that peed in aisle 8. I sure she didn't believe me. Last time I try to be helpful I tell ye!

And remember this me ol' cockers- If at first you don't succeed then sky diving is probably not for you!

Rusty Nuts, Boobies Jiggling and Sheep Dip

Yep- that time of week again when I try to cheer ye all up. Amidst the doom and gloom there is always one nutter. Tis I.

SATURDAY PM: I says to mines Mr Husband 'I have to go to bed and have a kitty nap- all me energies is suddenly drained'- (some of ye will know this feeling only too well). When I got up again he asked if I was ok now cos I didn't look too good. I tells him, 'when I laid down I felt so bad I thought I was dying. I struggled to breath and some thing heavy was sitting on me chest. Me little ol' heart was racing twenty to the dozen. I thought I shall surely die. I couldn't move and I couldn't call thee. And I could have died and ye wouldn't have known cos ye thought I was asleep, and dead people don't make a noise'. He said 'Well they do me little pumpkin. They do fart loudly. But then you do that when ye are alive so it be true I won't be knowing the difference if ye are alive or dead'. 'Ah, the death rattle' I says- 'I have heard about that'. He shook his head and laughed. 'No my little pickled pumpkin', he says 'in your case its much more like death shake, rattle and roll with a bit of Elvis thrown in for good measure'. So the moral here is for me that when I fart when I am alive I think I should shout 'Jet Power' and just make sure I am not singing along with Elvis at the same time so that he knows he I am not yet dead.
I haven't given ye all a Beths top money saving tit for ages so here tis. If ye haves pickled onions- I mean who don't?- we all likes a pickled onion don't we?- well if ye finishes them up ye can pour the vinegar into the vinegar jar-bingo- money saved on vinegar. Ye can have that top tit for free from me!! Yer Welcome!

SUNDAY: Well don't know why I went to bed. Well I obviously do know why. But for all the sleep I had I may as well have gone to the seaside. Except it was too dark. No fecker wants to go the beach in the dark. God knows what was going on outside last night. On the plus side I did get me fringe cut. Well I did do it myself of course. It's a Buck trend. I know some of ye will be raising your eyebrows, (whether they be your own or not) heavens ward and rolling thems eyes. I know I could have a hairdresser do it. But I don't trust hairdressers. They do ask ye all ye business. Plus have ye ever tried to get a hairdresser to come and cut ye fringe at 3am? It be very hot already here in Devon- I am thinking Dunelm (Mines Mr Husband must need something- I could go and surprise him with a new jug or a bit of net curtain or something). Of course it be too warm for clothes so I thinks they people of Dunelm is in for a surprise today. If I am allowed back in. They may let me if I promise not to bounce on the bed- but to be fair tis their own fault- tis soooo inviting thems beds. (Note to self- not to smack the managers ass if he is bent down, or ask if I can take a closer look at his lunch box- or smack the supervisors ass if she is bent over- this got me throwed many times before). Then round to B&Q for more gorilla glue, string and nuts (just in case!!!!).
A Beth's Top Tit for today is : Never cut yer fringe at 3am in the morning with nail scissors (or a knife and fork) if ye are bleary eyed - or drunk. Yer Welcome!

MONDAY: AM Mines Mr Husband is sleeping off his night shift. The bin men are making such a racket. I said 'do ye have to make that racket, mines Mr Husband is trying to sleep'. They said they did, it could possibly not be helped. So I lifted me top and did the boobie jiggle. They are quieter now. The things I have to do..............I just hope mines Mr Husband appreciates it.

 PM I spent ages last night making ye all another video from the bath- as promised. Alas I forgot to switch the camera on.............doh. Blame the heat- it addles ones brains you know! So this is todays posting- unless I wake up enough to do another video- Mines Mr Husband is sleeping so I can't be going in the bathroom next to his bedroom. And thats where the bath is. In the bathroom. Cos thats how we roll here. We keeps the bath in the bathroom. Anyways will tell ye this we booked a nice end to our Scottish holiday- a week in Suffolk. A nice lady rang me from the booking place and asked me how I was. That was her first mistake- despite the fact I was midway getting Mines Mr Husbands dinner I told her how I was. Half an hour or so later, when I gave her run down of the week and how I was feeling, and how my cousin once gave the goldfish the kiss of life with a straw she said she was really ringing to confirm my booking. I confirmed it. I am good like that. Then she said that what she really was ringing for was to thank me for the deposit and remind that next week the rest would be taken out of my account. I said that was fine because that was the arrangement after all. Then she said what she had noticed was, was that I hadn't taken out extra insurance. Now this was the REAL reason she was ringing. I told her I didn't want insurance. No PPI in this house!! No siree. We don't buy Pork Pies. She said it was important because, get this, 'just supposing for instance, you or one of your guests should have an accident in the caravan during a WILD PARTY- (not that I am suggesting you will be having wild parties) and damage something- you would be liable to pay for it's replacement'. A wild party- me and my guest- mines Mr Husband. Well I peed meself a laffing. Have you ever met mines Mr Husband? I asked her. He be an ol age pensioner nearly. He don't move off end of sofa very often. He is tethered by his books. And I sit t'other (although not tethered nowadays- not now I got the new hoover and I can glide from room to room). We like a pair of bookends. Wild party indeed'. She laughed then she said 'Ok, not that then, but supposing you spill a bottle of red wine all over the carpet'. Again I laughed til I peed. 'We are not drinkers' I said. 'And if by some bizarre chance I decide to buy a bottle of red wine and I spill it on the carpet I will get a bottle of white and throw it on top'. (Tis a bonfide cleaning tip is that and a waste of wine!). She said that was another bad example. I don't know if she meant hers or mine! I have been known to set a bad example here and there. Then she asked what would we doing on this holiday exactly? Feckin nerve of it. I asked her 'Ever heard of fifty shades of grey?' She said she had. 'Everything in that book- that's what we shall be doing. But Don't worry ' I tells her ' I take me own clean sheets and me own rope and gaffer tape'. She hung up. Don't think she will be asking me about insurance again.

 TUESDAY; Stood at the open Windows photographing the beautiful full Buck moon. People start calling peekatchu. I thought oooer, people finding pokermans in my bush. That was when I realised had forgotten my clothes and all the neighbouring perverts were calling up to me. That's what happens when ye get naked by moonlight.

WEDNESDAY; Mines Mr Husband had grand plans for today but he be having trouble with sticky nuts- so looks like thats gone outta the window. I shall have to find him something easier to do today. Tis a nice breeze here today- me dress blew up over me head. Three of the neighbours had a stroke and the others missed. Mines Mr Husband has sent me indoors to put knickers on. He always pissin on me chips that man.x

THURSDAY; There I was last night, trying to do the sleep thing when my bedroom door opens and there is Mr Husband stood in the door way, partially clothed after also having been in bed. I was surprised to see him. Although I know he does live here too. 'Are you ok my little pumpkin?' he asked. To be honest I was puzzled, T'was only twenty minutes since we had parted company. 'Why? Of course I am- tis thee that's stood half naked in my room'. He said he had a peculiar thought about his rusty nuts whilst he was laying in his bed. 'Whatever floats ye boat', I said. He said he need to go out on to the drive to check his nuts because he thought something was wrong. 'Tis dark out there I said, go into the bathroom and put the light on- or better still wait til the morning and do it when the sun is up'. Then he asked me if I was ok again. 'Get back to thee bed', I insisted, 'and take thee nuts with thee'. Today he has woken and is unwell. He be full of cold. That means snot and bogies piled high to the door handles again. Bogey man always visits us when Mines Mr Husband is poorly and surrounds his bed with bogies. Off to Tesco now for lemons to stuff up his nostrils.x

FRIDAY: Well guys it's that time of the month when shopping is in order. Mines Mr Husband is soooo poorly. Man flu again I am afraid. He best not give it me. I fear I should get it- he actually coughed near my knee this morning. I felt the germs falling from the air! He is groaning and grunting about death and coffins. I said 'we will try sheep dip first', then if that don't work we will sort thee out a coffin but don't forget to leave me your pin number and the insurance policy'. Bit more grunting groaning going on in his corner!! I am going to tesco to do the naked wrecking ball thing now guys

 SATURDAY:Well mines Mr Husband is officially on 'holiday' this week. So much we had planned to do and now he is too poorly. The only thing that's going to get a day out is the Jag at the Jag hospital to be made better for our Autumn trek to the Highlands. I wasn't sure if Mines Mr Husband was alive today because there was no sound from his room- no snoring, coughing or farting. Quick pokerman in the eye with the fly swat and a tap on the knee caps with a toffee hammer soon had him up and out of that bed. Phew! 'Don't ye dare die yet' I tells him. 'Not till I got ye pin number'. Coughing and spluttering in a corner now again!

Steak and Blow Job Please

Are ye all wondering what I been up to this week. Week and a half I tell ye. This is what t'was like in our little corner of the world.:

 MONDAY I sent mines Mr Husband to the garden on a mission to find something nice for tea. He came back with two fuchsias and a dahlia bulb. 'No, go back and find something edible'. We do grow a bit of our own now. Well tomatoes and potatoes. Not that we have any tomatoes yet. The next thing I hear is him shouting- 'I have a big one, I have a big one'. Well ye can't be wasting opportunities at our times in life so I stripped off there and then and ran into the garden. I thought 'I bet he be stroking me clematis again'. When I got there he was holding up a potato. 'See, I got a big one' he repeated. 'Why are ye naked fruitcake?'. Some days the emotional mix of excitement and disappointment can be too much in this yer house I tells ye.

TUESDAY: Oh yay- excited much more than having triplets. Mines Mr Husband is letting me take my new doofer Hoover on holiday so I can glide from hotel to hotel. This is going to be a fandabdoozy holiday.

WEDNESDAY AM -Bedtime was a waste of time. I watched the sun go down. I watched it get back up. I was out at 5am (I know- too feckin early), in me nothings (well I had me orgasm socks on). I was out there in me garden boiling slugs. Cos that's how I roll. Now I want to go to sleep but I can't because we are taking the Jag to the Jag hospital for a new ouse and new hose. It has a temperature and a runny nose. Tis very poorly. Me, Elvis and the Pea have to follow Mr Husband to Taunton. He will be driving at 67mph and I will want to do slightly more (I won't say how much more in case the policemans are listening). But no fear I shall stay behind Mr Husband or I will get lost. I don't like following him. I tells him 'I am a leader me ol 'cocker, a leader not a follower. I likes to do me own thing I do'. I don't mind getting a bit lost cos that be when ye discover exciting things and places. True. But then I can't be getting lost when I supposed to following Mines Mr Husband or the poor divil will have to walk thousands of miles back home. And he got wonky feet already.  So I will follow him to the garage. Good girl that I be. Then I am going to me muvvers and favvers to cut their hair. Wish them luck- cos it be well known I ain't no hairdresser.

WEDNESDAY PM was an exceptionally long day given I never had any sleep the last night.  We took the car to the Jag hospital and paid a HUGE bill for it to be made better. Then they gived us a list as long as yer arm with things gone to pot and needs doing and another massive quote that is going to cost more than the car is worth. Heartbroken we are. I drived my little pea - well ye can't expect Mr Husband to walk for miles and miles. I am kind like that- I gived him a lift. On the way home I puts me toe down (Elvis told me to) and got in the outside lane. Tis true I drives a bit sharper than Mr Husband but I have always been nifty with an accelerator. I always wear a bra when driving so me nipples don't become jammed under the pedals. (Plus Mines Mr Husband worries than van drivers will be gawping down me blouse at me rather ample bosom if I don't wrap them up. I keeps all me bits wrapped up I do when I am driving.  'Go faster Way O' Down' Elvis cried. So I did. The faster I drived the louder Elvis singed.  Mr Husband said 'I was doing 190 to keep up with ye -ye was going to fast'. I said 'What ye on about - my thingy clock said 65 and ye shouldn't be doing such speeds- tis against the law' - he thinks I am telling porkies. Then Elvis suggested we look for a pokerman- something about in a viva in  Las Vegatables. Makes ye drive a bit erratic so it does. A couple of times we had to take short cuts. Not good on the motorway but alleviates the boredom. Me and Elvis was singing so loud and having such a good time we didn't hear any sirens or see any carnage. Or any pokermans. I had a good time anyways. Also mines muvver and favver are sporting new hair doos.

THURDSAY Mr Husband said 'Pumpkin'- (he calls me that as a term of endearment- not because I am pumpkin shaped- well that's what he says), 'Pumpkin' he says- 'do ye know what day tis?'. I thought 'eh up- a trick question'. He knows full well I get confussed over days sometimes. But not as often as mines little sister- she is always day confussed. I had a quick glance at the calendar. 'Mmm tis Thursday I think'- I says. 'NO' he says 'think harder'. I looked at the calendar again. Tis hard to work out when Elvis is staring seductively at ye. 'Friday' I says a bit more confidently.

Again he said no. In the end, by the time I got to Thursday again  I says 'Oh for feck sake, seems like some days must be missing off this calendar. Elvis still winking at me, making me think naughty thoughts. Tis true I was getting distracted at this point. Then suddenly he says (mines Mr Husband not Elvis) 'Tis steak and BJ day'. Well I be buggered. I thought we had already had that day twice this year. 'Well' I said 'Bis had that me ol' cocker we have no steak'. Then would you Adam and Eve it- He produced two lamb steaks- that to be honest passed for beef when they was on the plate. And usually Steak and BJ day we only have a bit o' sausage. We don't push the boat out. Anyways I let him cook it. I was too tired. Spent all day running naked through a field of daisies yesterday. Well that's by the by. Then after the steak I went upstairs to find him lying naked on MY bed. MY bed. He said 'ye knows what I wants now pumpkin- I wants me Blow Job'. I said 'fair enough'. Anyways I had the hair dryer too high a setting and now he is suffering with burns. Some really nice people here at the hospital. He won't ask for that again in a hurry I don't expect.

FRIDAY- we had the agent come to do her inspection. She walked in with a camera and informed us she would be taking pictures to prove she had been here. 'Do ye want us naked?' I asked her- immediately stripping. She seemed very worried especially when mines Mr Husband asked if she wanted a selfie with him and did she want one in every room. I asked her if she still wanted us naked. She said she didn't need to stay long at all and didn't even need to go upstairs. (Good job-thats where I grows me drugs and keeps all the illegal immigrants). She wanted out quick yesterday. Good job I had rope and gaffer tape to hand me thinks.

After wards, staying with the camera theme Mines Mr Husband took me in Currys- (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame) to buy a mop. But he treated me to a new camera for me holiday for me birfday. Tis true tis not until September but I am impatient. Also I wanted birfday cake but I have to wait for that - so he says. Still new camera is brilliant. I shall do him steak for tea more often. Also I shall give him a good blow job with the hair dryer again I shall.

Also I said to him, 'they have Turkey in the Co-op'. He said 'no my little pumpkin- they have the co-op in Turkey'. Different thing all together. Well who knew?

The things going on in the world is a bit shite at the moment me ol' babbers so keep smiling and keep loving each other. Don't be bickering over stupid things. As mines Mr Husband says 'Don't sweat the petty stuff and never pet the sweaty stuff'. He be a wise ol' git.

Orgasm socks, Big knickers and Hats

ANOTHER WEEK IN THE CRAZY WORLD OF BETH

TUESDAY: As me holiday draws ever near I am thinking I still don't have any new knickers to accompany on me trip. Mines Mr Husband, still looking tent size knickers. I bulk at such garments. He reminds me tis very nippy up there on that there Bens Nevis. 'Tis ok', I tells him, that means it will be windy in the valley and the exposed bushes shall take a good blow through'.  He says he don't like the idea of exposed bushes at all and now he is looking at harvest festival knickers (ye know the sort- all is safely gathered in- goggy catchers me granny called them) for me. I am sure tis a lie that knickers are worn regularly north of the border. I am going to be checking under all the kilts when I get there! I we will looking for old bag and pipes and unkempt bushes.

WEDNESDAY : Mines Mr Husband and I (note the regal undertones here) watched the programme about mediation last night. Unable to believe how pathetic some people are when it comes to agreeing over the divorce thing. We said that if we ever divorced then we wouldn't be so childish. I said 'I tell ye what ye have custody of your kids and I will have custody of mine'. He thought this was a super idea. Then I said 'And we will sell this house and have 50/50 each' He thought that was an even better idea. Then he said 'The only thing I be wondering- which one of us shall tell the Landlord?'.....................mmmm tricky- trust him to find a snag.

FRIDAY : Because we have something visits our garden in the night and re-arranges the egg shell on me border I got Mines Mr Husband to rig up the CCTV so it's filming me garden. I am having a lovely day today watching the bath mats and me britches flapping about on the garden line! That's my day sorted!

SATURDAY ;I was thinking about packing my bikinis for my holiday in Scotland. I do have some now. Well I have the bottoms. Mines little sister (not the one with the issues, the day confusion, the accidental blue hair, the part time camel toe (by her own admission) and tinny titsus in her ears) - no the other one with the big boobies, well she gave me some bikinis. Well she gave me the bottoms because she don't wear them. She kept the tops because she said we could look like twins in them. Also I think it is one of thems nice gestures like the sisters necklace- you know you have half each. But we skint bitches so we have done it with bikinis. Anyways I asked mines Mr Husband 'Do thems wear bikinis in Scotland'- of course they do he said. I jumped straight up to pack mine- then he added 'when they go to the swimming pool or on holiday to Spain and sometimes on the one hot day of the year they have- they have had already had it this year my ickle pickcle'. So no bikini for Scotland. Tis settled- I shall have to go naked!

MONDAY: There I am limping round B&Q  waiting for the things we are looking for to jump out at me to save me little legs. You know the kinda things. Velcro fastening for Mines Mr Husbands crack (in case the gorilla glue wears off on holiday), u shaped nail things (for same thing) and the odd plant that will look nice in me garden- it will look nice among all the other odd plants, when Mines Mr Husband says 'are ye in pain my little luvver?' I says to him ' Of course I am - I not be limping to try to get me shopping half the price ye know- I am in pain 24/7 ye knows'. He said 'ye don't very often say it do ye? I am yours Mr Husband, ye can tell me anything ye knows. Anything ye wants. I don't mind if ye grumbles about the pain'. What a lovely ol feller he is. 'Aw that be nice I said- can I tell ye absolutely anythin?'.  'Yes- ye can tell me anything at all' he said. 'Well I said 'I got wedgie and an itchy bum I think I got a splinter in it. Will ye take a quick look?'. That was before the man up the ladder fell off.  Not allowed in there either anymore!

SUNDAY: - I said to mines Mr Husband 'Oooer tis hot in yer in it don't ye thinks? Dos thee think its hot in yer?' He said 'Yeah but yer probably hotter than I cos ye are a woman of a certain age. Ye are menopausal aren't ye'. I had to agree with him- sweat running down from me four heads it was. Then he said 'Why don't ye takes yer hat and yer scarf  and yer gloves off me ol' babbers- ye won't sweat so much and ye will feel the benefits- tis height of summer ye knows'. I tell ye he is always pissing on me chips. I was trying 'em on to see if they still fits for me trip up Ben Nevis. Ye needs to be warm up there so ye doos. I be worried if I takes 'em off I will have growed out of 'em before I gets there and then I will be up there and puts them on in the first time since June and then they won't fits. He don't appreciate the planning that goes into a holiday that man!

THURSDAY: I made a video about the Orgasm Socks- ye can view it yer if ye needs to know about them or if ye got ten minutes to spare. Don't watch it if ye are prone to blushing or swooning. I don't want any of ye coming over all necessary on my blog. I don't want any of ye coming all over my necessary blog either!! Copy and paste one or both of the following links- but not a the same time................

https://youtu.be/bhY1Y5dYnY4
OR here  https://www.facebook.com/the.sex.kitten1

Hot Hunky and Experimenting in the Bedroom

MONDAY - Mines Mr Husband was very kind and took me shopping for holiday clothes today because he reckons they don't go big on nudity up Ben Nevis. He did suggest also I buy new knickers. Tell ye gals, never let a man in his declining years pick ye knickers. I be sure he thought he was picking us a tent- each! Needless to say I have come home knickerless!! The third week of our holiday shall be spent in Suffolk- I hear clothes are an optional extra there. Looking forward to that holiday.

TUESDAY- Tis Tuesdays turn to be forgetted. Cos that's how we roll down yer in Devon. We can miss complete days and not notice. Or care. We are indiscriminate about which day. Also we isn't too fussy.

 WEDNESDAY MORNING- (note we are having a Wednesday this week- not just a morning- but a daytime and an Evening!!). Tis going to be a big night in the Lucas household. Mines Mr Husband wants to come into my bedroom tonight to experiment. He has bought a new contraption. A harness none the less. Tis supposed to stop him snoring. Why he has gone to such expense I don't know when there is gaffer tape in his bed side drawer- along with his torch, his fuses, a screwdriver, string, scart leads and other such strange man type things. I am sure the gaffer tape would work just as well. Anyway he thinks this contraption, this harness is just the job. I think I have to rig it up and hang him upside from the ceiling on it. I am not sure if I want any dangling objects in my bedroom. I don't be liking clutter. Anyways I will let ye know how it goes. Today we are going to Slapped and Laid again. Have a super duper day me ol' babbers. And be good. Or don't get caught!!

WEDNESDAY BEDTIME - Well it's nearly time for the bedtime experiment. Mines Mr husband has said if he disturbs me I am to turf him out. I said 'don't feckin worry I will. Ye can go and sleep with Dane, the hot hunky husband at 51.' Quite rude he was and said 'I will most certainly not'. I said 'ok, suit yourself, I feckin will then'. Sulking in the bath now he is, cos he ain't gotta shed yet.

THURSDAY MORNING- Ye all wondering how it went last night- the experiment in the bedroom. It didn't end well. And neither of us ending up sleeping with Dane, the hot hunky husband at 51- shame for poor Dane. I hooked Mines Mr Husbands harness up to the ceiling and hung up him by one leg. He said 'feckin eeejit ye are woman. Tis not how this works- ye needs the other harness. I bought a BOGOFF deal.' So I ended up attaching two harnesses to the ceiling and left him dangling there. It didn't stop him snoring so I played pin the tail on the donkey for a while just to keep him awake. Then he started again. 'That'll do donkey, that'll do', I cried. Then I hit him with a stick- like you do the panchetta game. I did it until all his loose change and a couple of fillings fell out. Then he begged me to free him from the harness using our secret password 'Get me outta this feckin thing'. He went off to his room muttering- well crying. I am pleased to report that he don't want to experiment in my bedroom anymore!

 FRIDAY -This is why mines muvver and favver makes I laff:

Text from Muvver: Can I ring you?

Text back to Muvver : Mines Mr Husband is asleep so I will ring you.

Me- rings muvver: Hello you ok?

Muvver: Well yes- but we got a couple of problems with the computer. We are worried.

Me: What' wrong with it- we can't get up til next week mind.

Muvver: Well you know the last time you was here and I had trouble with the emails.

Me: Er- yep, you kept sending them to yourself. It works now though yeah?

Muvver: Well remember your Mr Husband sent one to my friend Sue to see if her email address was still valid and she said yes?

Me: Yes- well isn't it?

Muvver: Yes. Well I sent her an email. So she sent me a text to tell me my email was clogging up her computer.

Me: Why, what the hell did you write?

Muvver: Well somehow my computer has sent her 674 photographs from my albums.

Me: (laughing) - ha ha that's so funny. Oh dear- never mind. She will just have to delete them as they come through.

Muvver: Can she do that?

Me: Yes- it may take some time!

Muvver: Yes but I want them all back. How do I get them back? Can I stop them going to her now?

Me: No muvver. They will still be on your computer- unless you have deleted them?

Muvver: Oh- I don't know. How can I tell? How can they still be on the computer if I have sent them all to her? She has them all now!

Me: Don't worry, they will still be on your computer- we will look when we come up. So what else is happening?

Muvver: Well.... your dad and I ..... we have a sex buddy now.

Me: Wow!! Erm.... How, Why? Should you be telling me this??

Muvver: Well yes. We got one in Ukraine but we don't know how we got her. I mean we don't get any emails other than from Currys or Sue. So how did we get a sex buddy in the Ukraine?

Me: (stifling laffs)- I don't know. Did she email you? Did you look for her on a site that does sex buddies?

Muvver: She emailed us- it was in our junk box. We had seven emails so I opened them. And one was from our sex buddy. We didn't give her our email address. How did she get it?

Me: I expect she bought it from Currys. Why are you opening your emails in the junk folder?

Muvver: Cos we don't get any others.

Me: Oh dear that is sad. Well you don't want those ones. It might not be a her. It might be a him. (Muvver gave a gasp!) They could be after information. Or they could contain things that when opened will hurt your computer muvver. Please don't open any mail in the junk box. That's why the computer puts it in there.

Muvver: So what shall I do with this?

Me: Delete it.

Muvver: I do delete stuff but it goes in the Deleted box and then it stays there. I can't get rid of it. The deleted box is just stupid. There is no point to a deleted box if it doesn't delete it.

Me: Next week I will show how to empty it.

Then father walks in:

Favver:  (to my mum- quite excited)- Tell Beth I have a sex buddy in the Ukraine. (note the sex buddy had gone from 'ours' to just 'his'.

Muvver: I did tell her, she says we have to delete it. It might not be a her it might be a him. They might want our information. Or to hurt our computer.

Silence. He leaves the room.

I am sure I detected disappointment. You know what its like- you wait all your life for a sex and just when you think you got a sex buddy and somebody pisses on your chips. Sorry favver!!

SATURDAY -I know that one of the ten commandments is that you shouldn't cover they neighbours arse but when the pork pie shaped person across the road was bent over tending to the family  gateaux size from Iceland shaped ones box it was too much flesh for mines poor eyes to cope with first thing. Ewww- and that integrated bike rack. So I am sorry Lord but I had to throw a blanket over it!

IN THE NEWS  - So a peregrine chick in Suffolk is in rehab after a 23 ft fall from its nest I read today. They don't half start getting peed up at an early age in Suffolk doos them peregrines. He is just a chick and still on the nest. Shameful!

Thats all this week folks. Thanks for reading and sharing and my blogs. You guys rock.

In and out and Booby Jiggling

  MONDAY -Yesterday I took Mines Mr Husband to the garden centre for fathers day. I bought him some food for my bush. He was quite excited. In fact he was so excited, that whilst were browsing bushes he farted. One almighty rip roaring fart. He be a dirty fecker. I can't take him anywhere. It was sooo mighty, I kid ye not, he shot a little blackbird behind him. Peoples all round the garden centre laid down on the floor. Some were shouting'he got a gun, he got a gun- he is a terrorist'. I said 'be calm my friends, (I can call them that ..........now!) tis only Mines Mr Husband backfiring. His baffles have gone- he needs a new silencer (yes guys we need more gorilla glue!)- steady yer nerves and give it an hour or two before ye browses the bushes'.  The garden centre rang last night with a bill for all the dead plants and koi carp. So shall have to wear a disguise next time we go there!

 TUESDAY -Yesterday we visited mines muvver and mines favver. T'was pissing down. And they live in the middle of the countryside. T'was not a nice drive. But I was havin a nice sing-along with Beth and Elvis  when suddenly out of the bushes either side of the main road jumps two old peoples with signs saying 'VOTE LEAVE'.  'For feck sake ye pair of eejits I shouts. Ye nearly gave Elvis heart attack'. When we came back they had gone. They had left. On the plus side Mines Mr Husband got a new pair of a shoes and a nice rain hat and I got a new walking stick.

  WEDNESDAY - We didn't have Wednesday this week. Thats how we roll in this part of the world. Sometimes we miss complete days out!

  THURSDAY-Well we been and done the voting thingy.  Before I went I read the rules 'Political clothing in relation to the vote, such as a t-shirt saying 'Vote Leave' or 'Vote Remain', is not allowed as it could be deemed as intimidating.' I wanted to wear me shirt with me mate Dave on. I paid 20squids for to go to his party. Anyways as it happens this no political clothing does not mean show up naked. Who knew? You lives and learns you do! They was still cross with me and said 'thems the rules- and you have to abide by them'. I have read the rules again. Nowhere does it say you must not go naked.  When we comes out the little man says 'how did you vote?' - I said to him 'Don't be feckin nosey - tis secret'. He looked dejected. I showed him my boobies and jiggled them to cheer him up. Mines Mr Husband said that the little man was nothing to do with the voting- he was mending the road. Well  who knew? You lives and learns you do!

  FRIDAY-Whilst we was at the voting thingy yesterday we had a look at what is going on in the area. In our little corner of the world. Mines Mr Husband said ' see if there is anything that you can get involved pickle to get ye out the house a bit'. Didn't seem to be much to me. Not like Burnham where ye can go to the paper aeroplane championships or to the watching paint dry championships. Or even the tin hat society. Anyways here in Cranbook  all I could see was two things that caught my eye. There is a mother and baby coffee morning - as opposed to adult coffee I think. I am going to go. I need to borrow a baby. Also a fun day is on the cards with a pop up bar and face painting. I like a bit of pop up meself.  I Also see Whimple are having a masquerade ball.  It just says about wearing a mask. Yay- I can go naked but in disguise. I don't know why I never thought of this before. Off to buy a mask now! I always wanted one of thems.

  SATURDAY -Now ye all knows I like to share a top tit with ye. So yer is Beth's Top Tit. Well tis a recipe.  Tis a recipe for Champagne Ice Cubes. What ye do is ye gets a bottle of champagne and ye pours it into some ice cube thingymajigs and then ye has to put it into the freezer for so long- well until they are frozen lumps. Keep giving them a little poke. When ye finger don't be sinking in no more then they are probably done. Ye can then add them to any drink. I did this. My tea tastes feckin horrid. And mines Mr husband says his coffee tastes funny. Don't try it folks. Stick to plain ol tea and coffee but not in the same cup cos that tastes disgusting too- I found that out the hard way as well. Serves me right for trying new stuff out and not sticking to tried and tested methods. All this time saving stuff is crap. Anyways if ye don't have champagne (after all we know tis only the students who can afford this- or think they can!) ye can use vodka. (I won't- I don't like Vodka- not after that xmas at me sisters. Nuff said). Or ye can use Gin if thee likes a drop of gin. If ye are piss poor ye can use cheap lager. Or if ye can't afford lager- water will do just as well.

Epidermis, Whore Moans and Cake

Mines Mr Husband and I watched a programme about obesity- its a growing problem so they say. The man, a  scientific blokey said it was so bad it is reaching epidermis proportions. I don't like to the term obese- I prefer cake shape.  I look at people and try to determine wat cake shape they are- none of this crappy fruit shape like apples and pears. Although I know a few who are 'I don't give a fig' shape- although I call these 'I don't give a fart' shape. Anyways this scientific blokey thingy he said he discovered a fat Jean. I didn't think it was fair to pick on Jean- but then he found other cake shaped peoples as well- so t'was a bit fairer. Anyways they have developed an injection of whore moans to stop us eating so much cake- I don't seem interested that. I like cake. He did suggest that we could a go on a Mediterranean diet. I thought mmm- the Mediterranean- sounds good. So I got Mines Mr Husband to get the jag out and I am packing me bikini and me bath bats- which way is the Mediterranean?

Freshen up your Nunny

I been Tesco in the pea. I found the way and way back there, almost all by meself. Whoohoo. There was a woman next to me at the fruit thingy. She was iffling and piffling- melon or pineapple, melon or pineapple. I said 'for fecks sake Missus- just pick one- ye can always bring one back and change it for something else if ye don't like it'. Then I leaned in and told her 'ye does know that pineapple is good for ye- it keeps ye lady parts smelling fresh'. She looked at me in disbelief. I say 'tis true- google it- but don't make the mistake I made last year- I forgot to remove the green prickly bit of the top and it got stuck. I ended up in A & E for three hours and every one was looking at me nunny'.  I tell ye there is no way to sit on thems seats in there with a jammed pineapple up ye nunny. Ye have to lay across all the seats with ye legs in the air. Mines Mr Husband was telling everybody I was giving birth and that I had mated with an ooompah looompah. Anyways she bought a melon. Always a safer option I think......