Russia and the KFC, Poems and Squirty Soap, Boobie Jiggling at Weddings.

Well if ye been wondering what I been doing this week- yer tis. If ye ain't be wondering tis still yer!!

 SUNDAY-Two things today :About this yer blog of mine. Mines Mr Husband helps me promote them so I get followers and readers. That's followers not stalkers. Although tis true ye can never tell these days. Thankye muchly if ye are a follower, or a stalker. Tis a pleasure to have ye on board.. Well, I used to be big in Alaska. I looked at the stats last night. I have mixed feelings about being big in Russia. I don't even write Russian. Is it the KFC I wonder who are watching me? Putin and his mates? Tis very curious. I have more Russian followers than English. Curious indeedy.

I have told mines Mr Husband that I have ordered some more Elvis CDs to play on the way to Scotland and back so me and Elvis can have a good sing a long.  I couldn't tell really if that was a pleased look or not. Anyways in other news he is fitting an ejector button to my seat in the Jag. Curious indeedy.

 MONDAY: Don't you just hate that moment when you are sat on the loo and a good poem comes in yer head and all ye haves to hand is loo roll and squirty soap! (Note to self: Install notebook and paper in loo- all three of them!)

TUESDAY: I been on a little trek today. I had to go from Devon to Burnham to the dentist because she won't come to me misery guts she is. Mines Mr Husband was really worried about me going all that way on the motorway on me todd. 'Find a car doing a steady 68 and follow it- ye won't go wrong' he said, and no flashing- not lights nor boobies. I was miffed. Not on the motorway long and I clocked a nice shiny BMW doing 68- well 71 but ssssh don't tell Mines Mr Husband. Yep I was surprised too- a BWM going that slow. But I stuck behind him like glue. He couldn't shake me off with a shitty stick. And that guys is why I am in a place called Manchester!

WEDNESDAY AM: Sat here waiting for another Electric man- rope in one hand and fresh roll of gaffer in other.

WEDNESDAY PM:I bet ye all wondering how the electric man got on ain't ye? He was late for starters. When he comed I was impatient. I opened the door and said 'Eelectric man?'- he had EON on his shirt. He said 'No'. I said 'Have ye brought cake and cookies like it says on me door?'- I pointed the notice out cos these peoples aren't always observant. He said 'No- I come to mend the boiler'. I told him if he hadn't brought cake or cookies I didn't know to let him in or not. He said 'look missus I am a supervisor'. I thought 'ooo-er a supervisor' so I grabbed him by the time and dragged him up me hole'. Then he ran back saying he had to lock the van. He came back willingly. Then he was only yer an hour- he has all his equipment out all over me floor and then he said he had to go cos one of his nuts was sheared off. I don't know if he will come back and finish the job. I bet he will send someone else. The same one never comes twice here. Curious indeedy.

THURSDAY AM: Well another adventure looms- I thought I would grace the Doctor with my presence today. Tis a long while since I been up there and caused chaos and I thought today would be a good day. I will think of a reason for a visit when I get there and have gauged her mood at seeing me. Tis not always a happy one.Time to get the pea out.

THURSDAY PM:

 Well that was a funny mother in the doctors- all I Said was 'What a lovely ginger baby you have and what pronounced eyebrows she has- are they her own?'. Well the look she gave me you would think she had never been asked that before. Curious woman indeedy. (Her- not me!)

SATURDAY : Yer all been thinking I been quiet. Well we went to me muvvers and helped her trying on her wigs. Then this evening we went to a wedding. We was invited. Well when I say we was invited - we just turned up. When I say we went to a wedding well we just sat outside with chips. But I said to mines Mr Husband 'lets go in and join in'. He said 'we don't even know who's wedding it is'. I told him 'see her in the white frock thing - yeah her that looks like she fell in a vat of meringue- well tis her wedding'. He said 'Well we don't know her'. I said 'yeah but, please lets go in- they will have cake- I am sure they will have cake'. Anyways we compromised and he went off and got chips. I sneaked in and got cakes. Then we sat outside and watched the arguments. I bet it was someone we knew. I wanted to stay to the end but he said 'no cos you will get lairy and pull your top up and jiggle your boobies'. I don't think mines Mr Husband has been to many weddings. People like that they do! Booby jiggling.

If tis not enough for you go to You Tube- And look for me- Lillielou Lucas and see the latest video.

Two legs in one Hole and the End of the World

WHATS BEEN HAPPENING DOWN BY YER- TIS THIS......

SUNDAY: According to Mines Mr Husband luring passing people in with cake and tea and then tying them to chairs to stop them escaping is not an acceptable way to make friends. Always pissing on my rice krispies that man.

TUESDAY: Tis all excitement here today- we are having a visitor. The Electric board are coming to service the ol' boiler. I have gaffer tape and rope ready. 'Put knickers on please' said Mines Mr Husband. Of course I am not happy about that. But we was in the bedroom and as he pointed out I have always said I only do what I am told when I am in the bedroom. My word is my bond. So I put knickers on. NEVER AGAIN. Within seconds I was flat on the floor facedown. Mines Mr Husband came racing to my rescue. 'What the blood and stomach pills are ye doing woman?' he said. I was in shock. 'T'was the knickers', I said, 'thems feckers tripped me up'. He just looked at me in disbelief. He got down to help me up, 'I see what the problem is' he said. 'Ye haves two legs in one hole. They also be on back to front and sideways.  And upside down'  And then he delivered the biggest blow of all 'And inside out' (Ye can read what ye will into that!!) 'Inside out' I cried- 'oh no- not inside out. Tis bad luck to wear knickers inside out. I cannot possibly wear them now'. He look at me in disbelief again. 'Don't be daft- tis not bad luck' he laughed. 'Well look at the pickle I am in- that's not good luck is it'. He laughed. 'I kneed him in the nose'. Now he believes wearing ye knickers inside out is bad luck!

WEDNESDAY; The Electric man cames yesterday to doofer the boiler. I said to mines Mr Husband after he left 'He was a man of few words wasn't he?' Mines Mr Husband looked at me and said 'Well, I think he was trying to get a word in edgeways but I think the gaffer tape round his face was holding him back somewhat. Why did ye feel the need to use so much?'. 'Well' I says to him 'He said my fringe was a bit to cock so I thought gaffer tape was the answer here'. Mines Mr Husband looked at my fringe. He said 'it's not a bit to cock my luvver, it's a lot to cock- he has a very good point- so does the electric man'. Now Mines Mr Husband won't be able to get a word in edgeways all day and I am off to Homebase to get more gaffer tape!

MONDAY: Two random thoughts I woke up with going round in my head today:

Why do police have so many accidents and incidents. I keep seeing signs saying 'POLICE ACCIDENT or POLICE INCIDENT'. They should be more careful. The other thing that baffles is me when they say 'Eyewitnesses say they heard a loud bang'- so in this case then they are not eyewitnesses- they are Earwitnesses surely?

And who sells shoes only worn a handful of times? Surely that should be Footful?

'How do ye know what ye are going to say and do each day Beth?' people have asked me. Well I tell ye me ol' babbers. I usually don't until I have had me breakfast. Then I do what the Rice Krispies tell me. Mines Mr Husband has buggered that up though. He has bought me granola for me breakfast now. I don't understand this foreign muck half as much I tell ye. So I have no feckin idea what I am doing or saying today. Beths Top Tit for the day : whatever ye doos today just remember nobody is listening anyway- well not until ye farts.. so stop clenching thems buttocks and let yerself be heard!

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband said 'As the world is going to end tomorrow sex kitten how would you like to spend the afternoon?' He had a twinkle in his eye and a bit o' grit I think- he kept squinting at me. I thought for a minute and then I said ' Well, I think you might be thinking the same as me'. I squinted back. 'Shall we?' he said. He didn't have to ask twice. I had a lovely afternoon in Dunelm. He is sat on the end of his bed looking miffed.

FRIDAY: Exeter's news this week: 'A man and a woman were seen being led away by officers away from bushes next to the rear entrance to the park from the Royal Albert Memorial Museum.'  I should offer advice here- if you are going to be doing things by the rear entrance- keep away from the bush.

I read nuts are good to increase serotonin levels. I am exhausted from chasing mines Mr Husband all over the house. He is hiding in the bathroom shouting 'the article said walnuts woman, be away with ye to Tesco'. Always pissin on my granola that man.

SATURDAY:
I nearly fell off that feckin conveyor belt in Sainsbury's trying to prove to that woman that it were not me that peed in aisle 8. I sure she didn't believe me. Last time I try to be helpful I tell ye!

And remember this me ol' cockers- If at first you don't succeed then sky diving is probably not for you!

Hot Hunky and Experimenting in the Bedroom

MONDAY - Mines Mr Husband was very kind and took me shopping for holiday clothes today because he reckons they don't go big on nudity up Ben Nevis. He did suggest also I buy new knickers. Tell ye gals, never let a man in his declining years pick ye knickers. I be sure he thought he was picking us a tent- each! Needless to say I have come home knickerless!! The third week of our holiday shall be spent in Suffolk- I hear clothes are an optional extra there. Looking forward to that holiday.

TUESDAY- Tis Tuesdays turn to be forgetted. Cos that's how we roll down yer in Devon. We can miss complete days and not notice. Or care. We are indiscriminate about which day. Also we isn't too fussy.

 WEDNESDAY MORNING- (note we are having a Wednesday this week- not just a morning- but a daytime and an Evening!!). Tis going to be a big night in the Lucas household. Mines Mr Husband wants to come into my bedroom tonight to experiment. He has bought a new contraption. A harness none the less. Tis supposed to stop him snoring. Why he has gone to such expense I don't know when there is gaffer tape in his bed side drawer- along with his torch, his fuses, a screwdriver, string, scart leads and other such strange man type things. I am sure the gaffer tape would work just as well. Anyway he thinks this contraption, this harness is just the job. I think I have to rig it up and hang him upside from the ceiling on it. I am not sure if I want any dangling objects in my bedroom. I don't be liking clutter. Anyways I will let ye know how it goes. Today we are going to Slapped and Laid again. Have a super duper day me ol' babbers. And be good. Or don't get caught!!

WEDNESDAY BEDTIME - Well it's nearly time for the bedtime experiment. Mines Mr husband has said if he disturbs me I am to turf him out. I said 'don't feckin worry I will. Ye can go and sleep with Dane, the hot hunky husband at 51.' Quite rude he was and said 'I will most certainly not'. I said 'ok, suit yourself, I feckin will then'. Sulking in the bath now he is, cos he ain't gotta shed yet.

THURSDAY MORNING- Ye all wondering how it went last night- the experiment in the bedroom. It didn't end well. And neither of us ending up sleeping with Dane, the hot hunky husband at 51- shame for poor Dane. I hooked Mines Mr Husbands harness up to the ceiling and hung up him by one leg. He said 'feckin eeejit ye are woman. Tis not how this works- ye needs the other harness. I bought a BOGOFF deal.' So I ended up attaching two harnesses to the ceiling and left him dangling there. It didn't stop him snoring so I played pin the tail on the donkey for a while just to keep him awake. Then he started again. 'That'll do donkey, that'll do', I cried. Then I hit him with a stick- like you do the panchetta game. I did it until all his loose change and a couple of fillings fell out. Then he begged me to free him from the harness using our secret password 'Get me outta this feckin thing'. He went off to his room muttering- well crying. I am pleased to report that he don't want to experiment in my bedroom anymore!

 FRIDAY -This is why mines muvver and favver makes I laff:

Text from Muvver: Can I ring you?

Text back to Muvver : Mines Mr Husband is asleep so I will ring you.

Me- rings muvver: Hello you ok?

Muvver: Well yes- but we got a couple of problems with the computer. We are worried.

Me: What' wrong with it- we can't get up til next week mind.

Muvver: Well you know the last time you was here and I had trouble with the emails.

Me: Er- yep, you kept sending them to yourself. It works now though yeah?

Muvver: Well remember your Mr Husband sent one to my friend Sue to see if her email address was still valid and she said yes?

Me: Yes- well isn't it?

Muvver: Yes. Well I sent her an email. So she sent me a text to tell me my email was clogging up her computer.

Me: Why, what the hell did you write?

Muvver: Well somehow my computer has sent her 674 photographs from my albums.

Me: (laughing) - ha ha that's so funny. Oh dear- never mind. She will just have to delete them as they come through.

Muvver: Can she do that?

Me: Yes- it may take some time!

Muvver: Yes but I want them all back. How do I get them back? Can I stop them going to her now?

Me: No muvver. They will still be on your computer- unless you have deleted them?

Muvver: Oh- I don't know. How can I tell? How can they still be on the computer if I have sent them all to her? She has them all now!

Me: Don't worry, they will still be on your computer- we will look when we come up. So what else is happening?

Muvver: Well.... your dad and I ..... we have a sex buddy now.

Me: Wow!! Erm.... How, Why? Should you be telling me this??

Muvver: Well yes. We got one in Ukraine but we don't know how we got her. I mean we don't get any emails other than from Currys or Sue. So how did we get a sex buddy in the Ukraine?

Me: (stifling laffs)- I don't know. Did she email you? Did you look for her on a site that does sex buddies?

Muvver: She emailed us- it was in our junk box. We had seven emails so I opened them. And one was from our sex buddy. We didn't give her our email address. How did she get it?

Me: I expect she bought it from Currys. Why are you opening your emails in the junk folder?

Muvver: Cos we don't get any others.

Me: Oh dear that is sad. Well you don't want those ones. It might not be a her. It might be a him. (Muvver gave a gasp!) They could be after information. Or they could contain things that when opened will hurt your computer muvver. Please don't open any mail in the junk box. That's why the computer puts it in there.

Muvver: So what shall I do with this?

Me: Delete it.

Muvver: I do delete stuff but it goes in the Deleted box and then it stays there. I can't get rid of it. The deleted box is just stupid. There is no point to a deleted box if it doesn't delete it.

Me: Next week I will show how to empty it.

Then father walks in:

Favver:  (to my mum- quite excited)- Tell Beth I have a sex buddy in the Ukraine. (note the sex buddy had gone from 'ours' to just 'his'.

Muvver: I did tell her, she says we have to delete it. It might not be a her it might be a him. They might want our information. Or to hurt our computer.

Silence. He leaves the room.

I am sure I detected disappointment. You know what its like- you wait all your life for a sex and just when you think you got a sex buddy and somebody pisses on your chips. Sorry favver!!

SATURDAY -I know that one of the ten commandments is that you shouldn't cover they neighbours arse but when the pork pie shaped person across the road was bent over tending to the family  gateaux size from Iceland shaped ones box it was too much flesh for mines poor eyes to cope with first thing. Ewww- and that integrated bike rack. So I am sorry Lord but I had to throw a blanket over it!

IN THE NEWS  - So a peregrine chick in Suffolk is in rehab after a 23 ft fall from its nest I read today. They don't half start getting peed up at an early age in Suffolk doos them peregrines. He is just a chick and still on the nest. Shameful!

Thats all this week folks. Thanks for reading and sharing and my blogs. You guys rock.