Two legs in one Hole and the End of the World

WHATS BEEN HAPPENING DOWN BY YER- TIS THIS......

SUNDAY: According to Mines Mr Husband luring passing people in with cake and tea and then tying them to chairs to stop them escaping is not an acceptable way to make friends. Always pissing on my rice krispies that man.

TUESDAY: Tis all excitement here today- we are having a visitor. The Electric board are coming to service the ol' boiler. I have gaffer tape and rope ready. 'Put knickers on please' said Mines Mr Husband. Of course I am not happy about that. But we was in the bedroom and as he pointed out I have always said I only do what I am told when I am in the bedroom. My word is my bond. So I put knickers on. NEVER AGAIN. Within seconds I was flat on the floor facedown. Mines Mr Husband came racing to my rescue. 'What the blood and stomach pills are ye doing woman?' he said. I was in shock. 'T'was the knickers', I said, 'thems feckers tripped me up'. He just looked at me in disbelief. He got down to help me up, 'I see what the problem is' he said. 'Ye haves two legs in one hole. They also be on back to front and sideways.  And upside down'  And then he delivered the biggest blow of all 'And inside out' (Ye can read what ye will into that!!) 'Inside out' I cried- 'oh no- not inside out. Tis bad luck to wear knickers inside out. I cannot possibly wear them now'. He look at me in disbelief again. 'Don't be daft- tis not bad luck' he laughed. 'Well look at the pickle I am in- that's not good luck is it'. He laughed. 'I kneed him in the nose'. Now he believes wearing ye knickers inside out is bad luck!

WEDNESDAY; The Electric man cames yesterday to doofer the boiler. I said to mines Mr Husband after he left 'He was a man of few words wasn't he?' Mines Mr Husband looked at me and said 'Well, I think he was trying to get a word in edgeways but I think the gaffer tape round his face was holding him back somewhat. Why did ye feel the need to use so much?'. 'Well' I says to him 'He said my fringe was a bit to cock so I thought gaffer tape was the answer here'. Mines Mr Husband looked at my fringe. He said 'it's not a bit to cock my luvver, it's a lot to cock- he has a very good point- so does the electric man'. Now Mines Mr Husband won't be able to get a word in edgeways all day and I am off to Homebase to get more gaffer tape!

MONDAY: Two random thoughts I woke up with going round in my head today:

Why do police have so many accidents and incidents. I keep seeing signs saying 'POLICE ACCIDENT or POLICE INCIDENT'. They should be more careful. The other thing that baffles is me when they say 'Eyewitnesses say they heard a loud bang'- so in this case then they are not eyewitnesses- they are Earwitnesses surely?

And who sells shoes only worn a handful of times? Surely that should be Footful?

'How do ye know what ye are going to say and do each day Beth?' people have asked me. Well I tell ye me ol' babbers. I usually don't until I have had me breakfast. Then I do what the Rice Krispies tell me. Mines Mr Husband has buggered that up though. He has bought me granola for me breakfast now. I don't understand this foreign muck half as much I tell ye. So I have no feckin idea what I am doing or saying today. Beths Top Tit for the day : whatever ye doos today just remember nobody is listening anyway- well not until ye farts.. so stop clenching thems buttocks and let yerself be heard!

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband said 'As the world is going to end tomorrow sex kitten how would you like to spend the afternoon?' He had a twinkle in his eye and a bit o' grit I think- he kept squinting at me. I thought for a minute and then I said ' Well, I think you might be thinking the same as me'. I squinted back. 'Shall we?' he said. He didn't have to ask twice. I had a lovely afternoon in Dunelm. He is sat on the end of his bed looking miffed.

FRIDAY: Exeter's news this week: 'A man and a woman were seen being led away by officers away from bushes next to the rear entrance to the park from the Royal Albert Memorial Museum.'  I should offer advice here- if you are going to be doing things by the rear entrance- keep away from the bush.

I read nuts are good to increase serotonin levels. I am exhausted from chasing mines Mr Husband all over the house. He is hiding in the bathroom shouting 'the article said walnuts woman, be away with ye to Tesco'. Always pissin on my granola that man.

SATURDAY:
I nearly fell off that feckin conveyor belt in Sainsbury's trying to prove to that woman that it were not me that peed in aisle 8. I sure she didn't believe me. Last time I try to be helpful I tell ye!

And remember this me ol' cockers- If at first you don't succeed then sky diving is probably not for you!