Orgies, Twerking and a touch of the Piftics

 WEDNESDAY: Well yesterday I was able to convince Mines Mr Husband that he would enjoy a trip to Dunelm to get Bath Mats. First he resisted saying that Fathers Day was truly long gone, as was his birthday, and also no need to buy bath mats for holiday- blah blah blah- heard all the reasons not to go. Also he had a touch of the piftics yesterday so I had to do my best kitty eyes and my best sexy, sultry pout. Eventually he agreed to take me in Dunelm (he will take me feckin anywhere that man- he has no shame). Soon as I got there I spied the very inviting bed. I started stripping. 'T'is hot in yer' I complained. Do ye know what Mines Mr Husband said? No? Well I tell ye what he said. He said 'If you take one thing off we are going home'. That's what he said. Well there I am going round a boiling hot shop and not allowed to take off me hat, or gloves, or scarf or ski jacket. Like feckin boil in the bag cod I was (Without the smell I add hastily). Mines Mr Husband actually enjoyed himself when he got into- I took him in the baking dept (he a bit of bread baker so he is)- he even bought his self a new baking sheet. Anyways I occupied meself by going and looking everyone else's basket. 'Do ye really need that?' 'Will ye be hiding that from your Mr Husband when ye gets home?' 'Did ye know they are just a pound in the pound shop?' 'Did ye know that Homebase got a sell and bedding sets just a fiver?' I made some new friends by initiating these conversations. Anyways the manager wasn't none to pleased and asked me to stop. I said I was sorry 'do ye want to see me boobies?'. She said she didn't. So I made up for it by sneaking around and adding stuff to peoples basket. Dunelm made a few extra sales yesterday and all thanks to me!!

 THURSDAY: Well I have to say its been a day and three quarters of a half today. Doing our Mr Tumnus shots in the woods- we realised nude photography is a shock to some- people covering thems kids eyes and running in all directions. 'Put your clothes back on' I begged Mines Mr Husband- 'ye are causing distress'. We did get a nice photo of some little squirrels playing with them nuts and Mines Mr Husband even played hide and seek with one. He was lucky they didn't go for his nuts! I assume the cold weather had something to do with this.

We went for fish and chips. I was asked not to take chips of peoples plates in the fish shop- or fish or sausages. Not allowed back in there!

Her at number 12 got her pumpkins out on the doorstep- Mr Husband noticed first. He always notices things like that first. 'Bit premature'. I told her. She wasn't listening. I had to shout it through her letterbox.

Also we took our beloved Jag to the garage for MOT. Tomorrow we go to collect it. We shall wear black and I might, even out of respect for it, wear knickers. The horrible man told us he wouldn't even MOT it. It is too deaded to MOT. We are deeply saddened- 8 years we have loved that car like it was our own. Well it is our own. I am glad that Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment. One of us crying a flood will be enough!!!

SATUDAY; Well I can only say its been a terse and fractions week. Me recovering from the dreaded lurgy and Mines Mr Husband recovering from nights- he did have a touch of the piftics midweek. Yesterday was the saddest day for a very long time for us. When I say Mines Mr Husband doesn't do emotional attachment- apparently that only applies to human beings and cats (although he is quite attached to my pussy). Cars, computers and books he does do. So we are both grief stricken over the demise of our beloved Jag. He drove it back from the garage- the man had written horrid things about it on the paperwork. I followed him back in the pea. Mines Mr Husband in the Jag- not the horrid man at the garage. That would be stalking. I am not that weird- unless its Johnny Depp or Colin Firth- that's different. The Jag looked sad. Elvis was singing 'There goes my everything'. Elvis was crying. Tears streaming down his face. Then he sang 'Only the Strong Survive'. The end of era. We sat numb, silent and sad ALL DAY. I need CAKE!!! Even when her over at the corner got her puppies out Mines Mr Husband didn't cheer up. He didn't even want to stroke them. His eyes looked as sad as theirs and his ears almost as floppy. On the plus side the Jag passed its emission tests. Less so Exeter town centre which is still ablaze!
Today is national cat day- so pussies everywhere getting lots of attention. (We hope).
Crankbrook is having its Pumpkin Party and Ball- I am not allowed to go on account of the cock ups last year when I arrived naked on my mine doing my wrecking ball routine. Apparently it is a family function not a feckin orgy. I got Ogre and Orgy mixed up again! The year before that they had a toga party and I went dressed as a goat. Tis me dicksleckyswhatsit that does it to me!
Don't forget to turn ye clocks back an hour. Ye gets an extra hour in bed. I already practiced this morning. I am quite excited because this means for the first time ever the clock in the pea will be right. Now all I have to do is remember not to add an hour every time I look at it!
MONDAY: Mines Mr Husband took me in Homebase this morning- he fecking take me anywhere- he has no shame. He bought me a new doofer thingy- which I will have to show ye all when tis charged up. It has tools and everyfink. I bought him some long nose pliers to pluck them tricky hard to get little feckers that gets up his nose- hairs that is, not people. He said he was going to buy me a pair to pluck the hairs on me moustache. He always finkin of me that man. He is too sweet.

Two legs in one Hole and the End of the World

WHATS BEEN HAPPENING DOWN BY YER- TIS THIS......

SUNDAY: According to Mines Mr Husband luring passing people in with cake and tea and then tying them to chairs to stop them escaping is not an acceptable way to make friends. Always pissing on my rice krispies that man.

TUESDAY: Tis all excitement here today- we are having a visitor. The Electric board are coming to service the ol' boiler. I have gaffer tape and rope ready. 'Put knickers on please' said Mines Mr Husband. Of course I am not happy about that. But we was in the bedroom and as he pointed out I have always said I only do what I am told when I am in the bedroom. My word is my bond. So I put knickers on. NEVER AGAIN. Within seconds I was flat on the floor facedown. Mines Mr Husband came racing to my rescue. 'What the blood and stomach pills are ye doing woman?' he said. I was in shock. 'T'was the knickers', I said, 'thems feckers tripped me up'. He just looked at me in disbelief. He got down to help me up, 'I see what the problem is' he said. 'Ye haves two legs in one hole. They also be on back to front and sideways.  And upside down'  And then he delivered the biggest blow of all 'And inside out' (Ye can read what ye will into that!!) 'Inside out' I cried- 'oh no- not inside out. Tis bad luck to wear knickers inside out. I cannot possibly wear them now'. He look at me in disbelief again. 'Don't be daft- tis not bad luck' he laughed. 'Well look at the pickle I am in- that's not good luck is it'. He laughed. 'I kneed him in the nose'. Now he believes wearing ye knickers inside out is bad luck!

WEDNESDAY; The Electric man cames yesterday to doofer the boiler. I said to mines Mr Husband after he left 'He was a man of few words wasn't he?' Mines Mr Husband looked at me and said 'Well, I think he was trying to get a word in edgeways but I think the gaffer tape round his face was holding him back somewhat. Why did ye feel the need to use so much?'. 'Well' I says to him 'He said my fringe was a bit to cock so I thought gaffer tape was the answer here'. Mines Mr Husband looked at my fringe. He said 'it's not a bit to cock my luvver, it's a lot to cock- he has a very good point- so does the electric man'. Now Mines Mr Husband won't be able to get a word in edgeways all day and I am off to Homebase to get more gaffer tape!

MONDAY: Two random thoughts I woke up with going round in my head today:

Why do police have so many accidents and incidents. I keep seeing signs saying 'POLICE ACCIDENT or POLICE INCIDENT'. They should be more careful. The other thing that baffles is me when they say 'Eyewitnesses say they heard a loud bang'- so in this case then they are not eyewitnesses- they are Earwitnesses surely?

And who sells shoes only worn a handful of times? Surely that should be Footful?

'How do ye know what ye are going to say and do each day Beth?' people have asked me. Well I tell ye me ol' babbers. I usually don't until I have had me breakfast. Then I do what the Rice Krispies tell me. Mines Mr Husband has buggered that up though. He has bought me granola for me breakfast now. I don't understand this foreign muck half as much I tell ye. So I have no feckin idea what I am doing or saying today. Beths Top Tit for the day : whatever ye doos today just remember nobody is listening anyway- well not until ye farts.. so stop clenching thems buttocks and let yerself be heard!

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband said 'As the world is going to end tomorrow sex kitten how would you like to spend the afternoon?' He had a twinkle in his eye and a bit o' grit I think- he kept squinting at me. I thought for a minute and then I said ' Well, I think you might be thinking the same as me'. I squinted back. 'Shall we?' he said. He didn't have to ask twice. I had a lovely afternoon in Dunelm. He is sat on the end of his bed looking miffed.

FRIDAY: Exeter's news this week: 'A man and a woman were seen being led away by officers away from bushes next to the rear entrance to the park from the Royal Albert Memorial Museum.'  I should offer advice here- if you are going to be doing things by the rear entrance- keep away from the bush.

I read nuts are good to increase serotonin levels. I am exhausted from chasing mines Mr Husband all over the house. He is hiding in the bathroom shouting 'the article said walnuts woman, be away with ye to Tesco'. Always pissin on my granola that man.

SATURDAY:
I nearly fell off that feckin conveyor belt in Sainsbury's trying to prove to that woman that it were not me that peed in aisle 8. I sure she didn't believe me. Last time I try to be helpful I tell ye!

And remember this me ol' cockers- If at first you don't succeed then sky diving is probably not for you!