Rusty Nuts, Boobies Jiggling and Sheep Dip

Yep- that time of week again when I try to cheer ye all up. Amidst the doom and gloom there is always one nutter. Tis I.

SATURDAY PM: I says to mines Mr Husband 'I have to go to bed and have a kitty nap- all me energies is suddenly drained'- (some of ye will know this feeling only too well). When I got up again he asked if I was ok now cos I didn't look too good. I tells him, 'when I laid down I felt so bad I thought I was dying. I struggled to breath and some thing heavy was sitting on me chest. Me little ol' heart was racing twenty to the dozen. I thought I shall surely die. I couldn't move and I couldn't call thee. And I could have died and ye wouldn't have known cos ye thought I was asleep, and dead people don't make a noise'. He said 'Well they do me little pumpkin. They do fart loudly. But then you do that when ye are alive so it be true I won't be knowing the difference if ye are alive or dead'. 'Ah, the death rattle' I says- 'I have heard about that'. He shook his head and laughed. 'No my little pickled pumpkin', he says 'in your case its much more like death shake, rattle and roll with a bit of Elvis thrown in for good measure'. So the moral here is for me that when I fart when I am alive I think I should shout 'Jet Power' and just make sure I am not singing along with Elvis at the same time so that he knows he I am not yet dead.
I haven't given ye all a Beths top money saving tit for ages so here tis. If ye haves pickled onions- I mean who don't?- we all likes a pickled onion don't we?- well if ye finishes them up ye can pour the vinegar into the vinegar jar-bingo- money saved on vinegar. Ye can have that top tit for free from me!! Yer Welcome!

SUNDAY: Well don't know why I went to bed. Well I obviously do know why. But for all the sleep I had I may as well have gone to the seaside. Except it was too dark. No fecker wants to go the beach in the dark. God knows what was going on outside last night. On the plus side I did get me fringe cut. Well I did do it myself of course. It's a Buck trend. I know some of ye will be raising your eyebrows, (whether they be your own or not) heavens ward and rolling thems eyes. I know I could have a hairdresser do it. But I don't trust hairdressers. They do ask ye all ye business. Plus have ye ever tried to get a hairdresser to come and cut ye fringe at 3am? It be very hot already here in Devon- I am thinking Dunelm (Mines Mr Husband must need something- I could go and surprise him with a new jug or a bit of net curtain or something). Of course it be too warm for clothes so I thinks they people of Dunelm is in for a surprise today. If I am allowed back in. They may let me if I promise not to bounce on the bed- but to be fair tis their own fault- tis soooo inviting thems beds. (Note to self- not to smack the managers ass if he is bent down, or ask if I can take a closer look at his lunch box- or smack the supervisors ass if she is bent over- this got me throwed many times before). Then round to B&Q for more gorilla glue, string and nuts (just in case!!!!).
A Beth's Top Tit for today is : Never cut yer fringe at 3am in the morning with nail scissors (or a knife and fork) if ye are bleary eyed - or drunk. Yer Welcome!

MONDAY: AM Mines Mr Husband is sleeping off his night shift. The bin men are making such a racket. I said 'do ye have to make that racket, mines Mr Husband is trying to sleep'. They said they did, it could possibly not be helped. So I lifted me top and did the boobie jiggle. They are quieter now. The things I have to do..............I just hope mines Mr Husband appreciates it.

 PM I spent ages last night making ye all another video from the bath- as promised. Alas I forgot to switch the camera on.............doh. Blame the heat- it addles ones brains you know! So this is todays posting- unless I wake up enough to do another video- Mines Mr Husband is sleeping so I can't be going in the bathroom next to his bedroom. And thats where the bath is. In the bathroom. Cos thats how we roll here. We keeps the bath in the bathroom. Anyways will tell ye this we booked a nice end to our Scottish holiday- a week in Suffolk. A nice lady rang me from the booking place and asked me how I was. That was her first mistake- despite the fact I was midway getting Mines Mr Husbands dinner I told her how I was. Half an hour or so later, when I gave her run down of the week and how I was feeling, and how my cousin once gave the goldfish the kiss of life with a straw she said she was really ringing to confirm my booking. I confirmed it. I am good like that. Then she said that what she really was ringing for was to thank me for the deposit and remind that next week the rest would be taken out of my account. I said that was fine because that was the arrangement after all. Then she said what she had noticed was, was that I hadn't taken out extra insurance. Now this was the REAL reason she was ringing. I told her I didn't want insurance. No PPI in this house!! No siree. We don't buy Pork Pies. She said it was important because, get this, 'just supposing for instance, you or one of your guests should have an accident in the caravan during a WILD PARTY- (not that I am suggesting you will be having wild parties) and damage something- you would be liable to pay for it's replacement'. A wild party- me and my guest- mines Mr Husband. Well I peed meself a laffing. Have you ever met mines Mr Husband? I asked her. He be an ol age pensioner nearly. He don't move off end of sofa very often. He is tethered by his books. And I sit t'other (although not tethered nowadays- not now I got the new hoover and I can glide from room to room). We like a pair of bookends. Wild party indeed'. She laughed then she said 'Ok, not that then, but supposing you spill a bottle of red wine all over the carpet'. Again I laughed til I peed. 'We are not drinkers' I said. 'And if by some bizarre chance I decide to buy a bottle of red wine and I spill it on the carpet I will get a bottle of white and throw it on top'. (Tis a bonfide cleaning tip is that and a waste of wine!). She said that was another bad example. I don't know if she meant hers or mine! I have been known to set a bad example here and there. Then she asked what would we doing on this holiday exactly? Feckin nerve of it. I asked her 'Ever heard of fifty shades of grey?' She said she had. 'Everything in that book- that's what we shall be doing. But Don't worry ' I tells her ' I take me own clean sheets and me own rope and gaffer tape'. She hung up. Don't think she will be asking me about insurance again.

 TUESDAY; Stood at the open Windows photographing the beautiful full Buck moon. People start calling peekatchu. I thought oooer, people finding pokermans in my bush. That was when I realised had forgotten my clothes and all the neighbouring perverts were calling up to me. That's what happens when ye get naked by moonlight.

WEDNESDAY; Mines Mr Husband had grand plans for today but he be having trouble with sticky nuts- so looks like thats gone outta the window. I shall have to find him something easier to do today. Tis a nice breeze here today- me dress blew up over me head. Three of the neighbours had a stroke and the others missed. Mines Mr Husband has sent me indoors to put knickers on. He always pissin on me chips that man.x

THURSDAY; There I was last night, trying to do the sleep thing when my bedroom door opens and there is Mr Husband stood in the door way, partially clothed after also having been in bed. I was surprised to see him. Although I know he does live here too. 'Are you ok my little pumpkin?' he asked. To be honest I was puzzled, T'was only twenty minutes since we had parted company. 'Why? Of course I am- tis thee that's stood half naked in my room'. He said he had a peculiar thought about his rusty nuts whilst he was laying in his bed. 'Whatever floats ye boat', I said. He said he need to go out on to the drive to check his nuts because he thought something was wrong. 'Tis dark out there I said, go into the bathroom and put the light on- or better still wait til the morning and do it when the sun is up'. Then he asked me if I was ok again. 'Get back to thee bed', I insisted, 'and take thee nuts with thee'. Today he has woken and is unwell. He be full of cold. That means snot and bogies piled high to the door handles again. Bogey man always visits us when Mines Mr Husband is poorly and surrounds his bed with bogies. Off to Tesco now for lemons to stuff up his nostrils.x

FRIDAY: Well guys it's that time of the month when shopping is in order. Mines Mr Husband is soooo poorly. Man flu again I am afraid. He best not give it me. I fear I should get it- he actually coughed near my knee this morning. I felt the germs falling from the air! He is groaning and grunting about death and coffins. I said 'we will try sheep dip first', then if that don't work we will sort thee out a coffin but don't forget to leave me your pin number and the insurance policy'. Bit more grunting groaning going on in his corner!! I am going to tesco to do the naked wrecking ball thing now guys

 SATURDAY:Well mines Mr Husband is officially on 'holiday' this week. So much we had planned to do and now he is too poorly. The only thing that's going to get a day out is the Jag at the Jag hospital to be made better for our Autumn trek to the Highlands. I wasn't sure if Mines Mr Husband was alive today because there was no sound from his room- no snoring, coughing or farting. Quick pokerman in the eye with the fly swat and a tap on the knee caps with a toffee hammer soon had him up and out of that bed. Phew! 'Don't ye dare die yet' I tells him. 'Not till I got ye pin number'. Coughing and spluttering in a corner now again!

Steak and Blow Job Please

Are ye all wondering what I been up to this week. Week and a half I tell ye. This is what t'was like in our little corner of the world.:

 MONDAY I sent mines Mr Husband to the garden on a mission to find something nice for tea. He came back with two fuchsias and a dahlia bulb. 'No, go back and find something edible'. We do grow a bit of our own now. Well tomatoes and potatoes. Not that we have any tomatoes yet. The next thing I hear is him shouting- 'I have a big one, I have a big one'. Well ye can't be wasting opportunities at our times in life so I stripped off there and then and ran into the garden. I thought 'I bet he be stroking me clematis again'. When I got there he was holding up a potato. 'See, I got a big one' he repeated. 'Why are ye naked fruitcake?'. Some days the emotional mix of excitement and disappointment can be too much in this yer house I tells ye.

TUESDAY: Oh yay- excited much more than having triplets. Mines Mr Husband is letting me take my new doofer Hoover on holiday so I can glide from hotel to hotel. This is going to be a fandabdoozy holiday.

WEDNESDAY AM -Bedtime was a waste of time. I watched the sun go down. I watched it get back up. I was out at 5am (I know- too feckin early), in me nothings (well I had me orgasm socks on). I was out there in me garden boiling slugs. Cos that's how I roll. Now I want to go to sleep but I can't because we are taking the Jag to the Jag hospital for a new ouse and new hose. It has a temperature and a runny nose. Tis very poorly. Me, Elvis and the Pea have to follow Mr Husband to Taunton. He will be driving at 67mph and I will want to do slightly more (I won't say how much more in case the policemans are listening). But no fear I shall stay behind Mr Husband or I will get lost. I don't like following him. I tells him 'I am a leader me ol 'cocker, a leader not a follower. I likes to do me own thing I do'. I don't mind getting a bit lost cos that be when ye discover exciting things and places. True. But then I can't be getting lost when I supposed to following Mines Mr Husband or the poor divil will have to walk thousands of miles back home. And he got wonky feet already.  So I will follow him to the garage. Good girl that I be. Then I am going to me muvvers and favvers to cut their hair. Wish them luck- cos it be well known I ain't no hairdresser.

WEDNESDAY PM was an exceptionally long day given I never had any sleep the last night.  We took the car to the Jag hospital and paid a HUGE bill for it to be made better. Then they gived us a list as long as yer arm with things gone to pot and needs doing and another massive quote that is going to cost more than the car is worth. Heartbroken we are. I drived my little pea - well ye can't expect Mr Husband to walk for miles and miles. I am kind like that- I gived him a lift. On the way home I puts me toe down (Elvis told me to) and got in the outside lane. Tis true I drives a bit sharper than Mr Husband but I have always been nifty with an accelerator. I always wear a bra when driving so me nipples don't become jammed under the pedals. (Plus Mines Mr Husband worries than van drivers will be gawping down me blouse at me rather ample bosom if I don't wrap them up. I keeps all me bits wrapped up I do when I am driving.  'Go faster Way O' Down' Elvis cried. So I did. The faster I drived the louder Elvis singed.  Mr Husband said 'I was doing 190 to keep up with ye -ye was going to fast'. I said 'What ye on about - my thingy clock said 65 and ye shouldn't be doing such speeds- tis against the law' - he thinks I am telling porkies. Then Elvis suggested we look for a pokerman- something about in a viva in  Las Vegatables. Makes ye drive a bit erratic so it does. A couple of times we had to take short cuts. Not good on the motorway but alleviates the boredom. Me and Elvis was singing so loud and having such a good time we didn't hear any sirens or see any carnage. Or any pokermans. I had a good time anyways. Also mines muvver and favver are sporting new hair doos.

THURDSAY Mr Husband said 'Pumpkin'- (he calls me that as a term of endearment- not because I am pumpkin shaped- well that's what he says), 'Pumpkin' he says- 'do ye know what day tis?'. I thought 'eh up- a trick question'. He knows full well I get confussed over days sometimes. But not as often as mines little sister- she is always day confussed. I had a quick glance at the calendar. 'Mmm tis Thursday I think'- I says. 'NO' he says 'think harder'. I looked at the calendar again. Tis hard to work out when Elvis is staring seductively at ye. 'Friday' I says a bit more confidently.

Again he said no. In the end, by the time I got to Thursday again  I says 'Oh for feck sake, seems like some days must be missing off this calendar. Elvis still winking at me, making me think naughty thoughts. Tis true I was getting distracted at this point. Then suddenly he says (mines Mr Husband not Elvis) 'Tis steak and BJ day'. Well I be buggered. I thought we had already had that day twice this year. 'Well' I said 'Bis had that me ol' cocker we have no steak'. Then would you Adam and Eve it- He produced two lamb steaks- that to be honest passed for beef when they was on the plate. And usually Steak and BJ day we only have a bit o' sausage. We don't push the boat out. Anyways I let him cook it. I was too tired. Spent all day running naked through a field of daisies yesterday. Well that's by the by. Then after the steak I went upstairs to find him lying naked on MY bed. MY bed. He said 'ye knows what I wants now pumpkin- I wants me Blow Job'. I said 'fair enough'. Anyways I had the hair dryer too high a setting and now he is suffering with burns. Some really nice people here at the hospital. He won't ask for that again in a hurry I don't expect.

FRIDAY- we had the agent come to do her inspection. She walked in with a camera and informed us she would be taking pictures to prove she had been here. 'Do ye want us naked?' I asked her- immediately stripping. She seemed very worried especially when mines Mr Husband asked if she wanted a selfie with him and did she want one in every room. I asked her if she still wanted us naked. She said she didn't need to stay long at all and didn't even need to go upstairs. (Good job-thats where I grows me drugs and keeps all the illegal immigrants). She wanted out quick yesterday. Good job I had rope and gaffer tape to hand me thinks.

After wards, staying with the camera theme Mines Mr Husband took me in Currys- (he will take me anywhere that man- he has no shame) to buy a mop. But he treated me to a new camera for me holiday for me birfday. Tis true tis not until September but I am impatient. Also I wanted birfday cake but I have to wait for that - so he says. Still new camera is brilliant. I shall do him steak for tea more often. Also I shall give him a good blow job with the hair dryer again I shall.

Also I said to him, 'they have Turkey in the Co-op'. He said 'no my little pumpkin- they have the co-op in Turkey'. Different thing all together. Well who knew?

The things going on in the world is a bit shite at the moment me ol' babbers so keep smiling and keep loving each other. Don't be bickering over stupid things. As mines Mr Husband says 'Don't sweat the petty stuff and never pet the sweaty stuff'. He be a wise ol' git.

Davina, Bacon and Tit Bits

I be sure it ain't normal to fall asleep during ye workout but I do. Do ye all do that or is it just me? I bet Davina don't have this problem!  I ain't cut out for all this exercise malarky I tell ye. It ain't natural. I don't think it be good for me arferitis at all- it be hurting too much to get down on that exercise mat even. Then I have to roll round the living room looking for something to pull me poor aching tired body back up with. On the plus side I can see right under settee and today I found a pen top, a penny, a bit o bacon from me pizza t'other night, and a bit o chocolate. The bacon and the chocolate was still good to go- once I took the fluff off- tasty combination if I must say so mineself. Mines Mr Husband finds it all a bit disgusting. I says to him 'Ye would be glad enough to eat it if ye was hungry. And if ye would let me have a dog I wouldn't find bits of food on the floor cos he would beat me to it. And not only but also if I didn't have to get down and do these stupid workouts I wouldn't find 'em either cos I wouldn't see that far down'. I told him I ain't getting down for no more workouts. He said 'ye must me little pickled pumpkin- it be good for ye joints'. I told him straight the only thing that gets me down there is knowing I might find some food under the settee whilst I been down there-ye can find some tasty tit bits under there - ye can keep ye pen tops and ye pennies. (Secretly hoping he might put some cake down there everyday now to get me down there- and I won't be worrying about getting back up). I want to wish mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) all the best in her new adventures- don't be getting yeself into any trouble and keep away from the freaks!! We shall miss ye. xxxx