Yep- that time of week again when I try to cheer ye all up. Amidst the doom and gloom there is always one nutter. Tis I.
SATURDAY PM: I says to mines Mr Husband 'I have to go to bed and have a
kitty nap- all me energies is suddenly drained'- (some of ye will know this
feeling only too well). When I got up again he asked if I was ok now cos I
didn't look too good. I tells him, 'when I laid down I felt so bad I thought I
was dying. I struggled to breath and some thing heavy was sitting on me chest.
Me little ol' heart was racing twenty to the dozen. I thought I shall surely
die. I couldn't move and I couldn't call thee. And
I could have died and ye wouldn't have known cos ye thought I was asleep, and
dead people don't make a noise'. He said 'Well they do me little pumpkin. They
do fart loudly. But then you do that when ye are alive so it be true I won't be
knowing the difference if ye are alive or dead'. 'Ah, the death rattle' I says-
'I have heard about that'. He shook his head and laughed. 'No my little pickled
pumpkin', he says 'in your case its much more like death shake, rattle and roll
with a bit of Elvis thrown in for good measure'. So the moral here is for me
that when I fart when I am alive I think I should shout 'Jet Power' and just
make sure I am not singing along with Elvis at the same time so that he knows
he I am not yet dead.
I haven't given ye all a Beths top money saving tit for ages so here tis. If
ye haves pickled onions- I mean who don't?- we all likes a pickled onion don't
we?- well if ye finishes them up ye can pour the vinegar into the vinegar
jar-bingo- money saved on vinegar. Ye can have that top tit for free from me!!
Yer Welcome!
SUNDAY: Well don't know why I went to bed. Well I obviously do know why. But
for all the sleep I had I may as well have gone to the seaside. Except it was
too dark. No fecker wants to go the beach in the dark. God knows what was going
on outside last night. On the plus side I did get me fringe cut. Well I did do
it myself of course. It's a Buck trend. I know some of ye will be raising your
eyebrows, (whether they be your own or not) heavens ward and rolling thems
eyes. I know I could have a hairdresser do it. But
I don't trust hairdressers. They do ask ye all ye business. Plus have ye ever
tried to get a hairdresser to come and cut ye fringe at 3am? It be very hot
already here in Devon- I am thinking Dunelm
(Mines Mr Husband must need something- I could go and surprise him with a new
jug or a bit of net curtain or something). Of course it be too warm for clothes
so I thinks they people of Dunelm is in for a surprise today. If I am allowed
back in. They may let me if I promise not to bounce on the bed- but to be fair
tis their own fault- tis soooo inviting thems beds. (Note to self- not to smack
the managers ass if he is bent down, or ask if I can take a closer look at his
lunch box- or smack the supervisors ass if she is bent over- this got me throwed
many times before). Then round to B&Q for more gorilla glue, string and
nuts (just in case!!!!).
A Beth's Top Tit for today is : Never cut yer fringe at 3am in the morning
with nail scissors (or a knife and fork) if ye are bleary eyed - or drunk. Yer
Welcome!
MONDAY: AM Mines Mr Husband is sleeping off his night shift.
The bin men are making such a racket. I said 'do ye have to make that racket,
mines Mr Husband is trying to sleep'. They said they did, it could possibly not
be helped. So I lifted me top and did the boobie jiggle. They are quieter now.
The things I have to do..............I just hope mines Mr Husband appreciates
it.
PM I spent ages last
night making ye all another video from the bath- as promised. Alas I forgot to
switch the camera on.............doh. Blame the heat- it addles ones brains you
know! So this is todays posting- unless I wake up enough to do another video-
Mines Mr Husband is sleeping so I can't be going in the bathroom next to his
bedroom. And thats where the bath is. In the bathroom. Cos thats how we roll
here. We keeps the bath in the bathroom. Anyways will tell ye this we booked a nice end to our Scottish holiday- a week in Suffolk. A nice lady rang
me from the booking place and asked me how I was. That was her first mistake-
despite the fact I was midway getting Mines Mr Husbands dinner I told her how I
was. Half an hour or so later, when I gave her run down of the week and how I
was feeling, and how my cousin once gave the goldfish the kiss of life with a
straw she said she was really ringing to confirm my booking. I confirmed it. I
am good like that. Then she said that what she really was ringing for was to
thank me for the deposit and remind that next week the rest would be taken out
of my account. I said that was fine because that was the arrangement after all.
Then she said what she had noticed was, was that I hadn't taken out extra insurance.
Now this was the REAL reason she was ringing. I told her I didn't want
insurance. No PPI in this house!! No siree. We don't buy Pork Pies. She said it
was important because, get this, 'just supposing for instance, you or one of
your guests should have an accident in the caravan during a WILD PARTY- (not
that I am suggesting you will be having wild parties) and damage something- you
would be liable to pay for it's replacement'. A wild party- me and my guest-
mines Mr Husband. Well I peed meself a laffing. Have you ever met mines Mr
Husband? I asked her. He be an ol age pensioner nearly. He don't move off end
of sofa very often. He is tethered by his books. And I sit t'other (although
not tethered nowadays- not now I got the new hoover and I can glide from room
to room). We like a pair of bookends. Wild party indeed'. She laughed then she
said 'Ok, not that then, but supposing you spill a bottle of red wine all over
the carpet'. Again I laughed til I peed. 'We are not drinkers' I said. 'And if
by some bizarre chance I decide to buy a bottle of red wine and I spill it on
the carpet I will get a bottle of white and throw it on top'. (Tis a bonfide
cleaning tip is that and a waste of wine!). She said that was another bad
example. I don't know if she meant hers or mine! I have been known to set a bad
example here and there. Then she asked what would we doing on this holiday
exactly? Feckin nerve of it. I asked her 'Ever heard of fifty shades of grey?'
She said she had. 'Everything in that book- that's what we shall be doing. But
Don't worry ' I tells her ' I take me own clean sheets and me own rope and
gaffer tape'. She hung up. Don't think she will be asking me about insurance
again.
TUESDAY; Stood at the
open Windows photographing the beautiful full Buck moon. People start calling
peekatchu. I thought oooer, people finding pokermans in my bush. That was when
I realised had forgotten my clothes and all the neighbouring perverts were
calling up to me. That's what happens when ye get naked by moonlight.
WEDNESDAY; Mines Mr Husband had grand plans for today but he
be having trouble with sticky nuts- so looks like thats gone outta the window.
I shall have to find him something easier to do today. Tis a nice breeze here
today- me dress blew up over me head. Three of the neighbours had a stroke and
the others missed. Mines Mr Husband has sent me indoors to put knickers on. He
always pissin on me chips that man.x
THURSDAY; There I was last night, trying to do the sleep
thing when my bedroom door opens and there is Mr Husband stood in the door way,
partially clothed after also having been in bed. I was surprised to see him. Although
I know he does live here too. 'Are you ok my little pumpkin?' he asked. To be
honest I was puzzled, T'was only twenty minutes since we had parted company.
'Why? Of course I am- tis thee that's stood half naked in my room'. He said he
had a peculiar thought about his rusty nuts whilst
he was laying in his bed. 'Whatever floats ye boat', I said. He said he need to
go out on to the drive to check his nuts because he thought something was
wrong. 'Tis dark out there I said, go into the bathroom and put the light on-
or better still wait til the morning and do it when the sun is up'. Then he
asked me if I was ok again. 'Get back to thee bed', I insisted, 'and take thee
nuts with thee'. Today he has woken and is unwell. He be full of cold. That
means snot and bogies piled high to the door handles again. Bogey man always
visits us when Mines Mr Husband is poorly and surrounds his bed with bogies.
Off to Tesco now for lemons to stuff up his nostrils.x
FRIDAY: Well guys it's that time of the month when shopping
is in order. Mines Mr Husband is soooo poorly. Man flu again I am afraid. He
best not give it me. I fear I should get it- he actually coughed near my knee
this morning. I felt the germs falling from the air! He is groaning and
grunting about death and coffins. I said 'we will try sheep dip first', then if
that don't work we will sort thee out a coffin but don't forget to leave me
your pin number and the insurance policy'. Bit more grunting groaning going on
in his corner!! I am going to tesco to do the naked wrecking ball thing now guys
SATURDAY:Well mines
Mr Husband is officially on 'holiday' this week. So much we had planned to do
and now he is too poorly. The only thing that's going to get a day out is the
Jag at the Jag hospital to be made better for our Autumn trek to the Highlands. I wasn't sure if Mines Mr Husband was alive
today because there was no sound from his room- no snoring, coughing or
farting. Quick pokerman in the eye with the fly swat and a tap on the knee caps
with a toffee hammer soon had him up and out of that bed. Phew! 'Don't ye dare
die yet' I tells him. 'Not till I got ye pin number'. Coughing and spluttering
in a corner now again!
