Bikinis, Boobs and Bargains

Monday was a nice day here in Sunny Devon in the South West of England- the sun was shining very brightly and still warm enough to go out without a coat. I enticed Mines Mr Husband to the outside world and we had a road trip to the beautiful Brixham where we watched Seals frolicking and the Beautiful Torquay where we watched Kestrels catching dinner. The evening we ended up on Paignton beach- we didn't wash up with the tide or anything- we droved there. We watched the sun set- not over the sea as Mines Mr Husbands promised but over yonder hills. Well he watched the sunset- I collected sea shells and tormented the waves with my 'shall I or shan't get me feet wet' method of collecting shells. Funny though, I was the only one the whole day who was in me bikini. Mines Mr Husband didn't want to wear his.

In Torquay the £1 shop had a sale. I was most thrilled. Mines Mr Husband couldn't see the point of everything being reduced to 90pence. But I said 'look 'ere mate if I buy 10 things I have saved a £1. You stick with me kid- I will show ye thrifty'. I bought two boxes of chocolate brazils and a huge box of jaffa cakes. Mines Mr Husband said 'that don't be looking very healthy shopping'. So I chucked in a dieting book. Still he grumbled. So I explained how healthy it truly was: 'Brazil Nuts are one of me five a day-healthy. Chocolate is made from Cocoa beans- a vegetable- healthy. Jaffa cakes contain Chocolate- see above; also orange jelly- Orange one of me five day- healthy; and sponge- contains eggs that are good for you and also come from chickens. This means I have practically got a roast dinner in this basket. And on top of that there is milk in chocolate and this means I am getting calcium for me bones which is important in old people- so I am willing to share my roast dinner with you'. He just sighed.

In Brixham I heard an old man say 'Come yer and let me take your top off'. I didn't need asking twice and by the time I reached him I already had me top off. Mines Mr Husband, ever vigilant grabbed hold of me and made me put it back on. 'Why you do that and jiggle your boobies to that old man?- he nearly had coroner'.  I was a bit confused if I am honest. I did think it was a bit of a racy suggestion for a place like Brixham. I thought it may have been his birthday or his last day on earth or something. I am all for helping someone have a good birthday or a last day on earth so I am. 'He asked me too', I told Mines Mr Husband. 'No he didn't' he said- 'he was talking to his wife- she couldn't get the top off her bottle of water'. Well how the feck was I supposed to know. I would like to think I brightened an old mans day.

Thems across the road have come home with thems new baby- I am still trying to get a peak. They keep her covered with a blanket. She must be well feckin ugly. I know it is a she because they told Mines Mr Husband it is called Grace. Unless they are calling boys Grace this day. 'Tell them to call her Gary' I said. 'The world is running out of Gary's' I said. He said it was up to them what they called their baby. I still think I should have been consulted. Anyways her, the mother, (the family sized gateau shape one from Iceland with the integrated bike rack that has just had the baby called Grace), has kept her bush in very good order. It is blooming and a real pleasure to see when I looks out me kitchen window. I takes me hat off to her. Some women let thems bushes go to wrack and ruin when they have a baby so they do.

Also this week- The Russians are coming.

In and out and Booby Jiggling

  MONDAY -Yesterday I took Mines Mr Husband to the garden centre for fathers day. I bought him some food for my bush. He was quite excited. In fact he was so excited, that whilst were browsing bushes he farted. One almighty rip roaring fart. He be a dirty fecker. I can't take him anywhere. It was sooo mighty, I kid ye not, he shot a little blackbird behind him. Peoples all round the garden centre laid down on the floor. Some were shouting'he got a gun, he got a gun- he is a terrorist'. I said 'be calm my friends, (I can call them that ..........now!) tis only Mines Mr Husband backfiring. His baffles have gone- he needs a new silencer (yes guys we need more gorilla glue!)- steady yer nerves and give it an hour or two before ye browses the bushes'.  The garden centre rang last night with a bill for all the dead plants and koi carp. So shall have to wear a disguise next time we go there!

 TUESDAY -Yesterday we visited mines muvver and mines favver. T'was pissing down. And they live in the middle of the countryside. T'was not a nice drive. But I was havin a nice sing-along with Beth and Elvis  when suddenly out of the bushes either side of the main road jumps two old peoples with signs saying 'VOTE LEAVE'.  'For feck sake ye pair of eejits I shouts. Ye nearly gave Elvis heart attack'. When we came back they had gone. They had left. On the plus side Mines Mr Husband got a new pair of a shoes and a nice rain hat and I got a new walking stick.

  WEDNESDAY - We didn't have Wednesday this week. Thats how we roll in this part of the world. Sometimes we miss complete days out!

  THURSDAY-Well we been and done the voting thingy.  Before I went I read the rules 'Political clothing in relation to the vote, such as a t-shirt saying 'Vote Leave' or 'Vote Remain', is not allowed as it could be deemed as intimidating.' I wanted to wear me shirt with me mate Dave on. I paid 20squids for to go to his party. Anyways as it happens this no political clothing does not mean show up naked. Who knew? You lives and learns you do! They was still cross with me and said 'thems the rules- and you have to abide by them'. I have read the rules again. Nowhere does it say you must not go naked.  When we comes out the little man says 'how did you vote?' - I said to him 'Don't be feckin nosey - tis secret'. He looked dejected. I showed him my boobies and jiggled them to cheer him up. Mines Mr Husband said that the little man was nothing to do with the voting- he was mending the road. Well  who knew? You lives and learns you do!

  FRIDAY-Whilst we was at the voting thingy yesterday we had a look at what is going on in the area. In our little corner of the world. Mines Mr Husband said ' see if there is anything that you can get involved pickle to get ye out the house a bit'. Didn't seem to be much to me. Not like Burnham where ye can go to the paper aeroplane championships or to the watching paint dry championships. Or even the tin hat society. Anyways here in Cranbook  all I could see was two things that caught my eye. There is a mother and baby coffee morning - as opposed to adult coffee I think. I am going to go. I need to borrow a baby. Also a fun day is on the cards with a pop up bar and face painting. I like a bit of pop up meself.  I Also see Whimple are having a masquerade ball.  It just says about wearing a mask. Yay- I can go naked but in disguise. I don't know why I never thought of this before. Off to buy a mask now! I always wanted one of thems.

  SATURDAY -Now ye all knows I like to share a top tit with ye. So yer is Beth's Top Tit. Well tis a recipe.  Tis a recipe for Champagne Ice Cubes. What ye do is ye gets a bottle of champagne and ye pours it into some ice cube thingymajigs and then ye has to put it into the freezer for so long- well until they are frozen lumps. Keep giving them a little poke. When ye finger don't be sinking in no more then they are probably done. Ye can then add them to any drink. I did this. My tea tastes feckin horrid. And mines Mr husband says his coffee tastes funny. Don't try it folks. Stick to plain ol tea and coffee but not in the same cup cos that tastes disgusting too- I found that out the hard way as well. Serves me right for trying new stuff out and not sticking to tried and tested methods. All this time saving stuff is crap. Anyways if ye don't have champagne (after all we know tis only the students who can afford this- or think they can!) ye can use vodka. (I won't- I don't like Vodka- not after that xmas at me sisters. Nuff said). Or ye can use Gin if thee likes a drop of gin. If ye are piss poor ye can use cheap lager. Or if ye can't afford lager- water will do just as well.