Camel Toes, Neon Fish and Knickers

Hows it all going me ol' babbers. I am still at it. Adventuring and writing. Getting ready for the big adventure of me life. Well that will be death probably but that be another story. I found out this week tis a lot of money to take the cable car up the Ben Nevis on our holiday. They do have cake up there at the top. But Mines Mr Husband won't want to pay all that money to go up in the cable car so he won't. So I shall crawl up on me hands and knees so I shall. I just hope they still got cake by the times I gets there.

 Tuesday: That was a successful trip taking mines Mr Husband to the Doctor. I could be a Doctor. I told him what was wrong with him and what he needed- before he went. I could do that job. Then Mines Mr Husband came home and said 'I have a list of questions now'- I told him he better make another appointment. He said 'No, not for the Doctor- for you'- I felt highly honoured he respects my doctoring skills.  'Fire away' I says. Then he asks these non essential questions:

'Why did ye give all the little neon fish from the tank to the young boy?' - Well I wasn't expecting that but I thought he be working up to the important question. 'Well', I tells him - 'T'was one for every spot on his little face'. He said 'It was acne, he is a teenager'. Tis true, but it cheered  him up. The receptionist......... less so. Then he said 'And why did ye ask that old man if he had peed his trousers and had to borrow his wifes?'. Stupid question I thought. 'Because they was pink trousers and men don't wear pink trousers as a rule'. He said 'Well it matched his shirt'. Now I am worried because Mines Mr Husband has bought a pink shirt today (to match his eyes) and I am not keen on him buying pink trousers to match! Then he said 'And why did you ask that man stood up if it was because he had piles and couldn't sit down and worst of all why did you ask that dear old lady on the crutches if she was here to see the doctor about her camel toe?'. .. 'Because' - I said 'it was yuk, yuk yukkety'.  He said I am not allowed to go to the doctors next time he goes because I can't mind me own Fuk Fuk Fukkety buisness. Umph! Always pissing on me chips that man!!

Thursday: There is some asshole on a motorbike that keeps tearing round this estate at stupid times of sleepiness for the rest of us. But I have a soft spot for him- a swamp at bottom of road- dirty disgusting place tis. In the morning I shall lie in wait for him and flash and jiggle mines boobies. That should throw him.............straight into the swamp! Never let it be said boobies are not useful.

Well after watching years and years of the Air Ram hoover doofer thing now he has invented a bush trimmer. It is very quiet and very light- apparently. Well because I have the frymejelly thingy and I get achey arms I am thinking of getting one of these because apparently it is light enough you can hold it above your head to trim your bush! I thought I may be able to do me fringe and me eyebrows at the same time! Gotta be worth a try.

 Monday: Not long til me holidays now and we are discussing what we will be doing. Mines Mr Husband has suggested we have sex in different hotels. I said 'I am up for that if you are- as long as each different hotel I have it in the whoever is a hot hunk- I don't wanna be just having it with anybody'. Apparently that's not what he meant so he off to work grousing. T'was what I thought he meant. I will be just as happy if there is only cake.x

This arferitis is playing havoc with my fingers and I can't undo lids on things anymore.  'Take me top off' I said to mines Mr Husband. He did. That is why I am naked if you are wondering. We are at the bus stop and I did want the top taking off me drink but I ain't fussy I ain't.

 Saturday: We are experimenting tonight in the bedroom. My bedroom none the less. Yep- I have a new weapon to try in the snore war- tis new ear phones to listen to me Elvis through. I have had a little experiment this morning. Yep me and Elvis and a singalong with Beth and Elvis (just to try out the new earphones ye understands). I don't know if it the neighbours could hear anything or not- they are all gone out now- curious indeedy. On the plus side I didn't hear them go. So thems headphones must work.

FRIDAY: I am toying with going to Tesco and Dunelm all by myself today- I know I have to do the M5 bit to Tesco, and its not going it is coming back- maybe I should be better off just doing co-op- Oh I don't know- I wish I didn't have to make such decisions.....................Just checking traffic- looks like I gotta to avoid London Rd in Leicester. Mmm- tricky- its not exactly on my main route- well it shouldn't be but getting back from Tesco- tis easier to go with the flow.......

FRIDAY afternoon: Well tis very exciting here. I am celebrating with lemonade and a yogurt, I have not only been to Tesco but I have managed to get home. I managed to get home!! Without even going near London Road in Leicester. On the down side, they had turned Tesco completely back to front and I couldn't find anything I wanted. I nearly had a meltdown there and then. Us peoples with Aspergers cannot cope with the supermarket being turned back to front. On the plus side I got meself one and half new boyfirends. One was as old as the hills, one foot in the grave and one on a bar of soap- but we just clicked. I helped him choose new socks for the golf club (he said price wasn't important to him- I thought -'onto a winner ye are here Beth- he be wealthy'). I wasn't sure if it was a good time to talk orgasm socks- he didn't look as if he could cope with that. Especially not in Tesco. Then I help him choose his dandruff shampoo- he wanted the one that was smooth and shiny (for the golf club)- tis true he didn't have a lot of hair but he may not just have been using it on his head. I didn't ask. Tis not my place to pry into old men's personal hygiene habits. Then he helped me choose new knickers and incontinence pads. Seems we really clicked. Then I helped him choose sun tan lotion- for when he is at the golf club. It all happens at this feckin golf club. Then he wandered off - I think he got confused. In the meantime I met another old chap who helped me look for Pizza bases in not one but two aisles but we didn't click quite as much. Looking for Pizza bases is not the same as looking for knickers and socks together. Plus I think he had a wife. That could have made things a little awkward. Then I met up with the other one again in the saucy Aisle. I am in there guys I tell ye. And he got money. And he won't be a pain in the arse cos he will be at the golf club all day. Anyways I ain't been to Dunelm yet. I can't work out how to get to it without coming home and starting again. And I gotta go Co-op for stamps yet. All go yer tis.

Top tips for Lonely people

TOP TIPS FOR LONELY PEOPLE

I am excited because we are having a visitor on Tuesday. Well I say visitor, it’s the estate agent- he is coming to do the inspection for the landlord. I like to follow them round telling them all my news. They send a different one each time so it doesn’t matter if I say the same stuff that I did last time. Then I thought we all get lonely sometimes so here are some tips to stop the lonliness.

Invite tradesmen to the house to give you quotes for jobs. You don’t have to have the work done but it will give you someone different to talk to every day for months if you start at the beginning of the yellow pages and work your way through.

Invite the local estate agents one a day to give you a valuation. Have cookies to hand.

Get someone in to do the ironing- It costs little – you get your ironing done and some hopefully cheerful conversation as well. Me mother uses this method so it is tried and tested.

Reply to the people on the telly -after all these people have come into your very living room especially to talk to you. Don’t be rude and sit there looking blank. And don’t laugh at them, laugh with them when appropriate. Laughing raises serotin levels- it can be found also in chocolate and orgasms.

Wait until a shop is empty and the assistant looks really busy- (she/he probably isn’t- they like to pretend- and if she/he is really busy she/he be will glad of a break) and talk to her/him. They love to hear about your thrush and your piles (of ironing obviously) and your grandfathers golfing antics and your brothers, girlfriends best friends fathers goldfish. Honest, they do. Don’t forgot to tell them you will call in again to see them but don’t tell them when, we don’t want them hiding anywhere do we now? It is sometimes polite to buy a newspaper or a bar of chocolate so they don’t think you have just gone into pester them. If they sell papers or chocolate. The next time you go take your holiday snaps or the ones of your kids or your neighbour’s bush – whatever you have to hand. They just love to see other people’s photos. Much better now we can take digital pictures because instead of just 24 you can show them hundreds. Don’t forget to buy something (small). If they try to get rid of you, (but why would they?- they value your custom after all) ask them for something you know they don’t sell and insist they look for it. My grandmother once had the woman in Boots chemist empty all the cabinets looking for Scholls foot remover. When the woman couldn’t find any she said ‘you keep looking my dear and I will be back at 3 this afternoon’. You can keep them busy all day long. Trust me they love this. I heartily recommend the Toy Cupboard in Burnham on Sea. Kathy loves company.

Ring a random number and just chat to the person on the other end. They maybe as lonely as you. Withold your number by putting 141 in the front of the number you dial- you don’t want any nutters ringing you back!! If you can’t afford to do this (and you don’t mind the nutters ringing you back) keep ringing the number and hanging up- eventually they will call you back to see who you are and what you want. Or they might report to you trading standards, BT or the police. Either way its win win for you because you still get someone to talk to.

Ring tradesmen and companies and do the same. They have loads of time to kill.

When a wrong number rings you keep them chatting- that’s even better because they are paying for the call. If you need to get rid of them for any reason ask them to come and help you hide the body.

Pop into your local surgery and chat to the receptionist – they got masses of time to kill. Ever seen a busy one?  Don’t bother with the dentist- they have a way of shutting you up fast. Although if its just company you crave- go for it.

Sidle up to a hassled looking mum in the park- give her some parenting tips. She will be glad of the distraction.

Search out bus stops, preferably ones with seats. Chat to people waiting for the bus. Don’t get on the bus, unless a) you have some money and b) it’s too good a conversation to let go and you still have loads to tell them and c) if they look alright to go all the way with- I mean to the next stop.

Get local estate agents to come and value the house. It really doesn’t matter if you rent the house- they are not to know. Then don’t let them out until you have talked and talked to them and got all your news off your chest.

Offer anyone who comes to the house a cuppa tea or coffee and some biscuits (I find parcel men and post men are a bit harder to catch but it can be done). They will then feel obliged to stay and chat. You can drug their drink if you are particularly lonely that day and want them to stay a bit longer. You may need rope and gaffer tape in case they escape.

Get a mirror on the bedroom ceiling (we got one). It provides a good talking point and ice breaker. Of course you have to take them to the bedroom to see it, but it’s not a problem if you catch a good looker!!

Traffic wardens are always good to chat to. And you could be saving some poor bugger a parking fine.

Bus drivers used to be good to talk to but they sit behind anti-social glass now. I only know this because I nearly got on a bus by accident the other week.

Go for a walk where all the dog walkers are. All the dog walkers are nutters and will talk to anyone. Don’t walk anywhere with them though because you have to be careful because they always find the bodies.

Don’t talk to bird watchers or photographers though because we hate that!

Become a hospital visitor. If you are especially chatty pick someone who looks really to sick to answer back or ring a bell. Visit the stroke ward and stroke a few.  Or take a pack lunch and sit in A&E and just chat randomly to anyone.

Find out what day the library holds information and advice days and go and ask for information advice- you don't have to take any but you can chat for hours to different people. Tried and tested. Do it naked also.

Scout the town for day time weddings- tag on and follow them to the reception. I always find if you grab hold of someone in a wheelchair and make out they be your Uncle Harold/Auntie Maud - no-one ever knows. I did this once - grabbed an old lady in a wheelchair at the doctors and took her for a spin and we ended up at a wedding and a funeral. Good day had by all. I even took the nurses outfit back at the end of the day.

Talking of Doctors book yourself a double appointment with a different doctor every week and just go and chat. Works everytime.

Wind your window down at the traffic lights and chat to the person in the car next to you. They like that.

Go to your local furniture land. They always offer cookies and coffees. Sit down, put your feet up. Bobs your Uncle and Fannys your Aunt. They will talk to you for ages - they think you are buying furniture. Choose a different suite to sit on every day!

IF you need anymore tips- well just ask me ol' babbers. But don't ask me cos I ain't go no more for now.