Top tips for Lonely people

TOP TIPS FOR LONELY PEOPLE

I am excited because we are having a visitor on Tuesday. Well I say visitor, it’s the estate agent- he is coming to do the inspection for the landlord. I like to follow them round telling them all my news. They send a different one each time so it doesn’t matter if I say the same stuff that I did last time. Then I thought we all get lonely sometimes so here are some tips to stop the lonliness.

Invite tradesmen to the house to give you quotes for jobs. You don’t have to have the work done but it will give you someone different to talk to every day for months if you start at the beginning of the yellow pages and work your way through.

Invite the local estate agents one a day to give you a valuation. Have cookies to hand.

Get someone in to do the ironing- It costs little – you get your ironing done and some hopefully cheerful conversation as well. Me mother uses this method so it is tried and tested.

Reply to the people on the telly -after all these people have come into your very living room especially to talk to you. Don’t be rude and sit there looking blank. And don’t laugh at them, laugh with them when appropriate. Laughing raises serotin levels- it can be found also in chocolate and orgasms.

Wait until a shop is empty and the assistant looks really busy- (she/he probably isn’t- they like to pretend- and if she/he is really busy she/he be will glad of a break) and talk to her/him. They love to hear about your thrush and your piles (of ironing obviously) and your grandfathers golfing antics and your brothers, girlfriends best friends fathers goldfish. Honest, they do. Don’t forgot to tell them you will call in again to see them but don’t tell them when, we don’t want them hiding anywhere do we now? It is sometimes polite to buy a newspaper or a bar of chocolate so they don’t think you have just gone into pester them. If they sell papers or chocolate. The next time you go take your holiday snaps or the ones of your kids or your neighbour’s bush – whatever you have to hand. They just love to see other people’s photos. Much better now we can take digital pictures because instead of just 24 you can show them hundreds. Don’t forget to buy something (small). If they try to get rid of you, (but why would they?- they value your custom after all) ask them for something you know they don’t sell and insist they look for it. My grandmother once had the woman in Boots chemist empty all the cabinets looking for Scholls foot remover. When the woman couldn’t find any she said ‘you keep looking my dear and I will be back at 3 this afternoon’. You can keep them busy all day long. Trust me they love this. I heartily recommend the Toy Cupboard in Burnham on Sea. Kathy loves company.

Ring a random number and just chat to the person on the other end. They maybe as lonely as you. Withold your number by putting 141 in the front of the number you dial- you don’t want any nutters ringing you back!! If you can’t afford to do this (and you don’t mind the nutters ringing you back) keep ringing the number and hanging up- eventually they will call you back to see who you are and what you want. Or they might report to you trading standards, BT or the police. Either way its win win for you because you still get someone to talk to.

Ring tradesmen and companies and do the same. They have loads of time to kill.

When a wrong number rings you keep them chatting- that’s even better because they are paying for the call. If you need to get rid of them for any reason ask them to come and help you hide the body.

Pop into your local surgery and chat to the receptionist – they got masses of time to kill. Ever seen a busy one?  Don’t bother with the dentist- they have a way of shutting you up fast. Although if its just company you crave- go for it.

Sidle up to a hassled looking mum in the park- give her some parenting tips. She will be glad of the distraction.

Search out bus stops, preferably ones with seats. Chat to people waiting for the bus. Don’t get on the bus, unless a) you have some money and b) it’s too good a conversation to let go and you still have loads to tell them and c) if they look alright to go all the way with- I mean to the next stop.

Get local estate agents to come and value the house. It really doesn’t matter if you rent the house- they are not to know. Then don’t let them out until you have talked and talked to them and got all your news off your chest.

Offer anyone who comes to the house a cuppa tea or coffee and some biscuits (I find parcel men and post men are a bit harder to catch but it can be done). They will then feel obliged to stay and chat. You can drug their drink if you are particularly lonely that day and want them to stay a bit longer. You may need rope and gaffer tape in case they escape.

Get a mirror on the bedroom ceiling (we got one). It provides a good talking point and ice breaker. Of course you have to take them to the bedroom to see it, but it’s not a problem if you catch a good looker!!

Traffic wardens are always good to chat to. And you could be saving some poor bugger a parking fine.

Bus drivers used to be good to talk to but they sit behind anti-social glass now. I only know this because I nearly got on a bus by accident the other week.

Go for a walk where all the dog walkers are. All the dog walkers are nutters and will talk to anyone. Don’t walk anywhere with them though because you have to be careful because they always find the bodies.

Don’t talk to bird watchers or photographers though because we hate that!

Become a hospital visitor. If you are especially chatty pick someone who looks really to sick to answer back or ring a bell. Visit the stroke ward and stroke a few.  Or take a pack lunch and sit in A&E and just chat randomly to anyone.

Find out what day the library holds information and advice days and go and ask for information advice- you don't have to take any but you can chat for hours to different people. Tried and tested. Do it naked also.

Scout the town for day time weddings- tag on and follow them to the reception. I always find if you grab hold of someone in a wheelchair and make out they be your Uncle Harold/Auntie Maud - no-one ever knows. I did this once - grabbed an old lady in a wheelchair at the doctors and took her for a spin and we ended up at a wedding and a funeral. Good day had by all. I even took the nurses outfit back at the end of the day.

Talking of Doctors book yourself a double appointment with a different doctor every week and just go and chat. Works everytime.

Wind your window down at the traffic lights and chat to the person in the car next to you. They like that.

Go to your local furniture land. They always offer cookies and coffees. Sit down, put your feet up. Bobs your Uncle and Fannys your Aunt. They will talk to you for ages - they think you are buying furniture. Choose a different suite to sit on every day!

IF you need anymore tips- well just ask me ol' babbers. But don't ask me cos I ain't go no more for now.