Naked Twerking and the Doctor

Well me ol babbers I was off to see the rumour doctor this week. Mines Mr Husband was taking me there. He will take me anywhere that man. He has no shame. He has gave me this list of instructions:

Do not strip off anywhere unless invited, and certainly not in the waiting room.

If the doctor invites you too strip there is no need to look so eager and do not say 'I will if you will- I will show you mine if you show me yours' - tis embarrassing.

Do not announce 'lets play lucky dip' and go around the waiting room asking if anyone wants to give you 50p for a look to see if you are wearing knickers or not.

Do not fiddle with anyone's walking or hearing aids.

Do not touch the fish tank and do not hand them out as prizes to people for being good in the Doctors room

Do not sit anyone's kids to muffle them.

Do not tell the receptionist to get a proper job when she refuses to replace' relaxing classic crap' as you put it with a bit of Elvis and do not sing Elvis songs and try and get the old peoples up to gyrate their hips. Especially people with broken hips and legs.

Just when I thought he had finished he added:

And if you see anyone laying in a bed or on a trolley DO NOT poke, prod or pull anything to see if they are alive!!

I thought I  am soooo going on my own to this appointment if he is going to piss on my chips!!

Just as we was walking into the Hospital Mines Mr Husband said 'Remember what I said earlier and Don't jiggle anything of yours and certainly not of anybody else's. And no twerking'. Umph!

The first thing the doctor said was 'why have you taken all your clothes off Mrs Lucas'. I said 'I thought you might want to do an internal'. He said 'No- I don't put your clothes back on please'. I said 'I wore me best matching undies so I did'. He raised one eyebrow and said 'Matching what?'- I said 'Well me knickers match me eyes and me bra matches me handbag'.

Anyways he says 'ye haves fryupmejelly'. I said 'I know- I just told ye that you deaf fecker'. He told me that mostly its psycho whatsit. And all I need is acrobatics and sleep. No more cake and no more Elvis late at night in bed. He fair upset me with that comment to be honest. I shan't go again. Even if he hasn't invited me. I still shan't go again! Waste of everybody's time. I could have stayed in bed for an hour more. Going for a jog now! (If mines Mr Husband gets me mobility walker out the car for me!)

Marmite, Nuts and No Knickers

 THIS WEEK AT THE NUT HOUSE!

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband said Why did you shout out "I'v got no knickers on" at the top of the stairs this afternoon? Well that confused me. 'Cos you told me too" I said. 'Yes' he said, 'but I meant at home, not at the top of the stairs in Marks and Spencers'. He never makes things feckin clear that man. I always have to work it out for meself!!

I don't think that mine's Mr Husband should suggest date nights and then complain when I trawl dating websites for some one to go with. He contradictory that man is.

Also: Mines Mr Husband has asked me if I want to go on a business trip with him in a few weeks. WTF?? 'Why can't ye takes yer secretary like every other man who goes on business?' I asked him. 'Cos I don't have a secretary' was all he could think of replying. Well tis true. He don't. Always pissin on my cornflakes that man!

THURSDAY;Well a while back mines son-in-law gived me a little tit for me cooking. Add marmite to stews and Bologneses for extra taste. Infact ye can add to anything he said. Let me tell you I have tried it and it's fecking horrible on yer rice krispies. My rice krispies are refusing to tell me what to do today. Thats cos they don't like Marmite! Also I added some to the bath last night. Not a good idea- when I got out mines Mr Husband thought I had smeared meself with chocolate for a kinky dare and chased me all over the house. He is now sulking cos he feckin hates marmite. That will teach him to keep his tongue in his mouth so it will.

ALSO -So there is a house full of PYT's (Pretty Young things) this week next door having a holiday and shenanigans. Mines Mr Husband has been pleading with me to cover him in Chocolate and throw him over the fence. 'I am horrified at the mere suggestion' I tells him- ' I simply cannot believe you expect me to waste my chocolate on such things- go round and knock on the door and wait to be invited in like normal people'. He is gone to the shed to sulk. This still worries me as we still don't have a shed.

WEDNESDAY ;Here we go- I so don't need a calender to know when we are nearing xmas. Here come the adverts. Get thee self a snow leopard or a mankywankydonkey with only three legs for the price of just three squids. Or why not treat theeself to a homeless person for christmas. To be truthful I did that a few year back now and he hasn't moved out yet- he says 'I am yer husband ye little pickled walnut and I am so staying'.(ooo- sorry Kim me ol' bean- didn't think then!! Best not mention pickled walnuts to yer Mr Husband). Although tis true I have taught him about soap, water, deodrant and such things. He only cost £26. A bargain at half the price. Anyways I have found him a nice jumper for Christmas this year. T'was just there at the side of the road. It needed a bit of attention- a few stitches and a good wash or two. Still has a tyre mark round middle but I said to him 'Will not show when tis on- every one gets a spare tyre round the middle when they gets older'. He is sulking still though. Can't win em all ye can't.

 TUESDAY: Mines Mr Husband is wanting me to lie down and take my temperature with his thermometer. Although why I have to strip I have no idea. He says he is baffled and thinks I am in need of medical attention because I went to the shops- Laura Ashley at that- went in, bought the one thing I wanted to buy. I didn't look at anything else. I didn't buy anything else. Although tis true I was quite taken with a nice tool box in Homebase as I went past and I do a have a bradawl and some electrical screwdrivers for doing things. And I really do like tool boxes. But I didn't buy it. Also I drove past Dunelm and didn't go in. I didn't even tempt myself with looking at the place. Now ye all thinks this is peculiar behaviour from me. But the truth is Mines Mr Husband hit me with a shock this week. He says he doesn't enjoy shopping- and he doesn't (in particular I note) enjoy shopping in Dunelm. He doesn't find it relaxing as I do. I am horrified. Mortified. All the days I have selflessly dragged around there with him trying to find him presents for Fathers Day, Christmas, Birthdays, Mothers days and all the days in between. I think he is the one who needs laying down and having his temperature taken and I won't tell ye where I will shoving thermometer.

SATURDAY: We went to visit mines little sister and on the way I stopped to get mines Mr Husband a nice fox. T'was dead. I thought would go nicely round his neck on a night out. It could start a fashion trend. He said 'no, thank you- I don't want it'. I said 'But you haven't got a fox yet - well not a whole one'. He refused point blank and made me get back in the car. Never let it be said that I am the mean one in this relationship- I do try me hardest.

MONDAY: Ye probably been thinking I been quiet for a Monday morning. Well I been out round the local shops making some friends and get this I have appeared in a movie. Mines Mr Husband didn't. He wasn't there. He wasn't in the mood for making friends or the movies. I asked them 'What ye doing- can I be in this film?'. They said they didn't need me. I said 'oh go on- I makes me own videos and everyfin. I have been on This morning (you know- the bulldog clip thing) and I am on Youtube Face whatsitappy thingy and I am big in Russia'. They said they didn't need me. I told them I wasn't going home until they at least let me audition for the part. They said they didn't need anyone at all. I said 'I knows, let me do a bit of Elvis singalong with Beth for ye- do anyone have any music?' They said 'no, now go away'. I ignored them. I said 'Oy you with the fluffy thingy candy floss on a stick- have ye got any Elvis music- or any music will do- I will just sing an Elvis song over the top?' He said 'no- get out of the way'. I told ye I was going to be big in Hollywood and ye gotta start somewhere so ye have. So then I surprised them all and stripped naked and danced and jiggled me boobies and me knees and sung Hound Dog anyway. And its not even naked singing and dancing day.Yay I will be famous- once one of yous kinds peoples sends some bail money. Thankyeees muchly.

Chips, Cake and Space Ships

That was an eventful couple of hours at the seaside tonight. First of all I seen a man walking a bit funny. 'Have ye had an unfortunate accident in yer under crackers?' I asked him. 'WTF?' he said - 'Well' I says to him, ye are walking a bit funny. Turns out his under crackers were a bit too tight. When we had a look he had his wife's on. Mmmm................Less said. Then we was walking along the seafront and someone said of mines Mr Husband 'He looks a bit chubby don't ye'. Well I seen red. I put me hands on me hips (took them off me walker I did) and I give him a Paddington hard stare so I did. 'Who you calling chubby, lard arse?' I asked him. (Menacingly I might add). He was a bit sheepish then he was. He said he hadn't called anyone chubby. Infact he swears blind he said, of the sea, 'He looks a bit choppy don't ye'. Well I do have a bit of trouble with mines ears these days so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 'Well I said to him, I will let thee off this time, but don't let it happen again'. Then there was the pregnant woman. I am aware of being sensitive and sometimes ye can ask one if she is pregnant and she ain't and she gets offended. So I tried a more sensitive approach. 'Who ate all the cakes and pies then?' I asked rubbing her belly. 'Ye needs to get that shifted- ye wants a join slimmers anonymouths or something'. That was when the fight started. Anyways turns out she was pregnant. Whoops! Then when was having tea two yobs walked near us and both spat- one on the ground and one over sea wall. I hate that. Swallow don't spit is my motto. Well me mothers really. Except she learnt it too late for six for us. Anyways I grabbed one and rubbed his nose in it  and told him he were a dirty git. I watched me mother do that to the cat. Not when he spit but when he shit in the chair behind her cushion. The other, well over the sea wall could have landed anywhere. As it happened it landed on seagull and he flew off. I noticed his trousies were half mast. The yob, not the seagull. Seagulls don't wear trousies. I hate that as well. Trousies half mast. Not the fact the seagulls don't wear them. Scuffy little fart. The Yob not the seagull. Nobody wanted to see his incredible hulk undercrackers. So I pulled them up hard, gave him a wedgie till he screamed then pushed him over the seawall. Then I chucked chips on him. He was lucky mines Mr Husband hadn't pissed on them cos he is always pissing on my chips. Wasn't all bad to be honest. I saw a space ship on the beach over yonder and the loch ness monster tethered up in the local pub. He has followed me home.

Highland Adventures- Little TIts, Nuts and Monsters

Morning of Day 1: Whoohoo- today's the day we start our adventures in Scotsman's land. Sooo excited. Mines Mr Husband is sleeping off his nightshift then we begin. Think I am driving us to Stoke on Trent. I expect he won't want that though. He will say he is fine to drive even if he ain't. Finished me packing. Just waiting for Mines Mr Husband to wake up again now. Waiting. And waiting. Whoohoo we are going to see the monster. Talking of monsters I must look up a Scotsman's kilt and get a picture for my rude mate Kim. I promised.

Afternoon of Day 1 :Arrived at first destination in Stoke on Trent. Mines Mr Husband drove. He said he would be alright to drive. Told thee.  Nice little room at the inn. Already picked a nice hedge for mine's Mr Husband to sleep under if he starts his snoring (which he will). I have already complained at reception. I wanted a room with a sea view. He said 'this is Stoke on Trent madam'. I don't know what that has to do with the price of cheese I am sure. Sat on the bed eating jammy Dodgers, drinking a nice cuppa Yorkshire. They don't do Yorkshire here. Tis Stoke on Trent. They have posh tea. Good journey here apart from the sheep incident at the services. But all good now, I can't abear to see 300 Shaun the sheeps in a lorry. Nearly kebabs for dinner there was. I flashed me boobies at the lorry driver farmer man, Mr Husband let the sheeps free. Good deed for the day. Not so according to the farmer and the policemans that came out. But they accepted I was just in high spirits on me holidays. No bail money require- this time.

Evening of Day 1: Tis ok guys. I found a bible in this room. I think they put it there for me to hit mines Mr Husband with when he starts snoring. And he will. And I will hit him with it.

Morning of Day 2 : Highlight so far of holiday is that Stoke on Trent has brilliant tesco but mines Mr husband wont let me stay there. Off to see the windymare now. Always pissin on my chips that man.

Evening of Day 2:  We went to Windymare. I was puzzled. I thought we had magically appeared in China. Millions of Chinese people. Funny experience. I only met one English man and he was very rude and very arrogant. So I stood on his toes and pulled the hair in his nose. Mines Mr Husband said 'Will ye please behave or I shall take ye home'. Damn cheek. Not my fault if a man is rude to me.

Then we went to Coniston. We had jammy Dodgers and tea in the services. Mine's Mr Husband wouldn't let me out the car to cheer up a bus load of pensioners going on holidays. I only wanted to do a Beth and Elvis Singalong and a tad boobie flashing. I thought it would be a nice gesture. He said it could cause heart attacks and strokes and such like things. I don't mind being stroked anyways. Always pissing on my cornflakes that man. Then we found a lake. He installed me by the lake. He will install me anywhere that man. He has no shame. 'Stay there while I get the cameras' he instructed. Don't upset the artist. He was painting away happy. When mine's Mr Husband came back the artist was just coming out of the water. I don't now why mines Mr Husband always jumps to conclusions and assumes that it is my fault. Mine's Mr Husband is insisting I apologize for flashing mine's wares at him and unnerving him. Sorry mate. And sorry about your canvas. And your easel. And your paint (but to be fair they are called water colours for a reason and you are supposed to add water). I am sure it will dry out. I only thought it brighten up your picture. We went to windymare as well but way to peopley for my liking. Also found Ruskin's grave today. I probably always wondered where it was but I must have forgotten that I wondered. That's me all over- Wondering stuff and then forgetting. Going to the Isle of Mull tomorrow. Look out Mull. I always wondered what it would be like on the Mull ever since the song. Ye know the one. Mull of Kintyre.

Morning of  Day 3: I am not one to complain but these beds are like slabs of reinforced concrete. Don't they know I am like the princess from princess and the pea! Bet Lenny Henry don't have this trouble.

Evening of Day 3 :Arrived on Mull-eventually. Someone (not me) miscalculated our timing from Carlisle to Oban but all is good. Bit knackered but the air is good. Wasn't even sick on the ferry- good girl me. Although I did take me kwells. Also I  Did take me clothes off and run up and down the deck cheering people up. Not allowed on that ferry on the way back. They feckin misery arses up here in the highlands. I am sure I seen the monster. I also saw a pod of Dolphins. Pointed them out to mines Mr Husband. He said 'no pumpkin- that be a pod of rocks- tis not the same'. Still I know what I saw.

Me new knickers are nice. Good fit and comfortable. Glad I brought them now.

Morning of Day 4: Twin beds here but Mines Mr Husband still snoring his head off- too tired to notice - much. Must be the air or the peat water or something. Ye spends all ye lives training yer Mr Husband not to pee in wardrobes and what happens when ye gets on holiday? Yer en-suite turns out to be a wardrobe in disguise. Mines poor Mr Husband had to slope backwards at 45 degree angle to pee. Not a good look for him. Hilarious for me. He wouldn't let me take a picture for thee. Misery ass. Always pissing on my chips and sometimes in the wardrobe. Shall have to break him of this habit before we get home!! Nice view of the landladies tits outta this window. The landlord has hung his nuts just in front of the bedroom window.

There is a Scotsman yer who wears a kilt. He won't let me look up his kilt. Miserable sod. I have hatched a plan though. I will lay under his van and wait until he climbs up into his seat and then I will take a selfie with him-from up under of course.

Off to explore the Mull. With knickers on.

Evening of Day 4: Isle of Mull tis a nice place. They be a bit careless with thems sheeps. They roam all over the road. Nearly had kebabs again. Tis very narrow roads and lots of old ladies driving camper vans? Weird or what. Perhaps they belong to an old ladies camper van club or something. I tell ye what they very over confident thems old ladies- they just drives at thee. Takes thee right off the road if thee ain't careful. Usually mines Mr Husband swears at such motorists. But he minds his P's and Q's with old ladies. (Good news for me in me advancing years).We did see some lovely Highland coos as well. I said to mine Mr Husband 'I thought the coos up here had fringes- I haven't seen any- tis bullshit'. He said 'no, I think ye will find tis hair'. Then we did see some, as if by magic. Like Mr Ben. They appeared. We seen lots of water and lots of trees and a bit more of the same besides. We seen a half a hot dog van- and that was closed. Too be fair she was off at the abattoir getting her burgers for the day. (I got inside information on that!) Oh and a heron. I seen a heron.

I held a tiny tit in my hand tonight. That was a beautiful experience. Now I know how men feel. Mines Mr Husband holding a tiny blue tit in thee hand is not the same.

Note to self: Scottish waterfalls are damn slippery. Ye could do yeself a mischief if ye slipped on ye arse. Pity ye didn't know this before yer arse found out the hard way!!

Morning of Day 5: Not a good night what with all mines bruises and such like stuff. Well I had breakfast with the Scotsman in a kilt. I thought the best way to get this photograph is to be up front! Ended up with a tyre track across me nose yesterday laying under his van. No consideration for photographers some people! Anyways I just asked outright if I could see if anything was worn under the kilt. He said it was all in working order. I asked if I could take a photo for my kinky friend Kim. He said 'Och aye. I will you show mine if you show me yours'. Seemed like a fair swap. Then mine's Mr Husband intervened and stopped me. Always pissing on my porridge that man and he knows I prefer cream. I hatched another plan. I thought drop something on the floor, get under the table to pick it up, Jocks your uncle and Fanny's your aunt. I dropped a sausage. The dog was quick as lightening and got it before it hit the floor. I looked at the Scotsman and said 'let that be a lesson to ye, don't let anything dangle where that dog is'. I could see it made his eyes water as T'was. The Scotsman jumped up and grabbed a hold of his sporran and said  'Och, I'm off to toss me caber'. And with that he was gone. Off to Ben Nevis today so may see another. Too much pain and too much bruising from yesterday to climb but there is cake at the top so I will crawl on me hands and knees. The things ye do for cake.

Evening of Day 5: Long journey today - went on two ferries. Mines Mr Husband made me stay in the car this time so I didn't cause troubles he said. Cheek. Saw some grand sights. Sadly Ben Nevis was hidden under a cloud so we only seen the cloud. Fort William doesn't have a Fort. I doubt it even got a William. Disappointing. Tis a scam to get ye there. A myth. We went to Loch Ness. I seen the monster under the water. He only allows certain people with special qualities to see him. Tis true. So whilst I was lucky to see him, well mines Mr Husband wasn't quite sooo lucky. I hope I get to see him again. He is 100% real.

Morning of Day 6: Today is my birthday. I be 21 and a bit. Mines Mr Husband says he bought me a card. But he lost it. Insert sad face here. Glad I brought the only one I had from my bestie Kim. Better make an effort then to find a Scotsman willing to let me look up his kilt and take a selfie. Or help me selfie. Whichever he prefers.

Evening of Day 6: Saw two bits of Dolphins. Least that's what we was told they was as they went past in the waters of Shaggering Point. Nice dinners in Scotland. You don't even have to have Haggis if you don't want it. I don't.

Morning of Day 7: Spent the night in damp room. Mines Mr Husband chose to snore ALL night. I thought I was sleeping with the monster. Well it sounded much like one. Had to listen to Elvis all night. Well first I listened to some soothing rian forest stuff and went off to sleep. Then I was waken suddenly with a bit of Jailhouse Rock. I had Elvis rocking and rolling- interspersed with sounds of the forests and waterfalls. Not such a good idea to mix the music up on this little music gadgety thing I bought. I would organise it if only I knew how!

Evening of Day 7: Went to Dunrobbin castle. Nope they haven't it seems. Name very misleading. What with what they charge for a cuppa coffee and the gift shop prices. Not even touched on what it costs to get it in. Upstairs there was a girl playing a harp. Bleeding racket. I asked her if she knew any Elvis. She said she didn't even know who Elvis was. I told her to shut that feckin noise up then. 'Tis me birfday weekend', I told her- I don't wanna listen to that noise on me birfday- I want Elvis. To be fair the fight didn't break out until I jammed her head in the strings. She shouldn't have wound me up! I am like a coiled spring on me birfday weekend. Waiting to go off any minute.

Evening of Day 8: Quite a bit of touring today. Still no Dolphins. Not any deer or Stags or otters. Or Eagles. All the wildlife up here is a myth. Apart from the monster. He is the only real thing ye will find. All I have see today is a few sea birds and a seals head. And to be fair I can see that at home. Well not at home in the house. Mines Mr Husband won't entertain such creatures in the house. Neither will the Landlord. We are not even allowed a gold fish. Although tis true I do have two bits of battered cos in the freezer- but that be our secret.

Morning of Day 9: Week one is already behind us. Feckin knackered we are. Today we go to caronshorns and Dunfermline and finish up at Edinburgh. Seems there are no Dundee cakes anywhere and a shortage of short bread, Scotsman in skirts, and wildlife. Tis all a myth. However the monster is deffo real. Tis wet and warm today and that's how tis going to stay by looks of it. Here us goes agin

Evening of Day 9: Been to Caronshorns. They have's it on spring watch so they do. I only seen it at 70 mph. Thats cos there is nowhere to stop. Mines Mr Husband also argued T'was too foggy to see it anyway so there be no point in stopping. Disappointed ain't the word I tell ye. I looked forward to this bit the mostest. Gutted. I was hoping to see a bearded tit. No beards. No tits.

On the plus side I was wrong - there be Whisky shops everywhere. The most interesting bit is that they have Shortbread shops everywhere. And they sell Dundee cake. Not on the beach though. I could get used to living close to one of these. Still the weather can be most inclement up here so they have to have something to cheer thems souls up. Nothing finer than a bit of shortbread and some whisky. And cake.

Morning of Day 10: I been awake all night wondering how many deaths occur in the night. Well I read most people die in bed. But I was wondering how many of thems is husbands murdered for snoring. Mine's Mr Husband said 'all ye haves to do is gently tilt mines head forward'. I did this. This is why I am off to Whitby on me own. Also this is why is head is trapped in the window at premiere inn.  

Evening of Day 10: All day on the road, feckin knackered. I only seen two interesting places I wanted to stop. Dunelm, well two if thems- so strickly speaking that's three places. Mine's Mr Husband wouldn't let me. Also I wanted to go to some pleasure gardens I seen. 'Ooer Mr Husband, we could go there for some pleasure'. He said 'No, no pleasure for you today you little poisoned Pandora'. Mmmm, seems someone still has the hump because I gently tilted his head forward and jammed it in the window. Always pissing on my pleasure seeking that man. We are now in York. Bye bye Shortbread shop land.

Morning of Day 11: Our room is on the ground floor this time. Mines Mr Husband is still pissing on my pleasure. He stopped me, no less than ten times, flashing and jiggling mines boobies at peoples in the car park. To be fair it looks more like a scrap yard this morning. Not my circus, not mines monkeys. Nowt to do with me. He is still like a bear with a sore head. All since this gently tilting his head forward and jamming it under the window thing. Boy can he hold a grudge. Worked though. He never made a sound last night. Today we explore Yorkshire. Tis very foggy so I don't know how much we will see. Seen feck all yesterday. Day wasted was that.

Evening of Day 11: I am told Yorkshire is a beautiful place. It has very friendly people and real tea. Proper Yorkshire tea. Never seen any scenery. Could barely see me hand in front me face all day. We went to Whitby though and seen Robins Hood Bay. No Dolphins though. Saw a sign for Conundrum but we was allowed in. Bit of a whatsit thing that.

Morning of Day 12: Still not seen much of Yorkshire. Going to see Last of the Summer Wine Country today.

Evening of Day 12: Melting in Holmfirth. Heat makes Mr Husband grumpy. I tried cheering him up by flashing mine boobies in the centre of town. All he said was 'now apologise to all the drivers in that pile up and promise not to do it again'. I apologized but I don't make promises I can't keep. Retired to hotel for nice Bath and a cool down. Also I been up Norah Battys place and Sids Cafe. Got ice cream on me nipples. Note to self - wear top when eating ice cream in Yorkshire on hot days.

Morning of Day 13: This hotels room is level with the motorway. It's not my fault if its too hot to wear clothes and passing motorists are looking in. They shud keep thems eyes on the road. Quite a queue out here. Sorry, I mean pile up. That's what I mean.

Happiness comes from within- that's why it feels good to fart!

Morning of Day 14: Last day of tour today- guessing much of it will be spent at trying to see nice stuff at 70mph. Well 68- mines Mr Husband likes to play it safe. And I guess there will be a fair bit of bad language. I expect mines Mr Husband may swear once or twice too at passing motorists. Unless they are old ladies. He has manners ye know. He has done all the driving. He says he is 'more than happy to'- whatever that means.

Evening of Day 14: Here in Kings Lynn. Sat here with a big chocolate birfday cake, courtesy of mines little sister- the one with the issues and the confusion and the constipation and the accidental blue hair. It serves 14 people. Well that's what it says on the box. I don't think so. That means sharing. And I don't like the idea of sharing chocolate cake. I had to carry it all the way here on my lap- apparently there is no room left anywhere in the car for anything else. That is because mines Mr Husband didn't let me pack it up. I have long since been known as champion of 100 things in a thruppence matchbox. I have applied this to all aspects of my life ever since becoming champion. Ask anybody. Tomorrow we are on the final leg of our journey- a caravan in Suffolk.

Evening of Day 15. I knew we were in Great Yarmouth the moment we had to stop at the lights to let a pirate cross the road. Tis how they roll in this part of the world. Got ice cream on me nipples again! Forgot the golden rule of keeping them covered when eating ice cream.

Caravan is nice. Sitting on the edge of a building site. Not soooo nice. It runs down hill. The caravan not the building site. Going to make feel bad is that.  I wasn't happy in the first place as we brought everything from the car as I see mines Mr Husband has unpacked before we left. I cannot find me Hoover doofer thingy, or me halogen oven. Or me ornaments. Can't even find me bush trimmer. On the plus side I do have a nice bit of fencing that he can erect around me caravan and a nice plant. Also still have me party hat and a balloon. Not forgetting me chocolate cake. Party in my bedroom tonight.

Morning of Day 16: Had some sleep on a child's single bed. Woke up with my nose stuck to the side of the caravan. The inside - not the outside. The inside of the caravan that is- not the inside of my nose. Do keep up. Well it may not have been very comfortable but at least it was quiet. And it didn't slope downhill like the double bed that mines Mr Husband occupied. He don't care if he sleeps up side down he don't. Tis all the same to him when he be snoring- he can't hear which direction up or down he is sleeping. Plus he was a bat in a former life. I am far more normal.

We are just going to chillass today. Whatever that is. I have seen other people say that. I thought 'sounds good to me'.  Then mines Mr Husband pointed out we have sit in the freezer and I can't be doing with a cold bum- no siree. Or cold feets. I hates colds feets. Thats why I brought loads and loads of orgasm socks. So we are not going to do anything much today. We tooooo tired.

Morning of Day 17: Another raggedy night on the childs bed. Was slightly better in that I actually found some bedding for it last night. Much more comfy and warm. Still woke up with me nose stuck to the side of the caravan. My nose shall be flat as a pancake by end of this week!

Evening of Day 17: It has been bob a job week here this week. I thought bit off considering tis me holidays. Also after the fiasco at the Scout Jumble where I bought them all for 10p each and then found out when I got home that I shouldn't have bought them at all I wasn't sure it was a good idea. I don't have a good record with the scouts. Still I managed to procure two little scouts to clean the caravan. These places are never cleaned to my high standards. As usual I ended up with the one with a snotty nose and a crusty toggle. I sent him back and asked for another. They sent one with bladder issues and a penchant for my Scottish cookies. I tackled the scout master directly in the end. He didn't seem to understand what I was saying. I think he was French. Mines Mr Husband says, 'He isn't the scout master- he is the chef from the restaurant over the road'. I don't give a feck who is- he can have his piddly scout back. They all looked a bit put out but I shall do my own cleaning and save money into the bargain.

Morning of Day 18 : Monday: Whoohoo- I love Mondays. Nookie day for us. Used to be Tuesdays. Mines Mr Husband moved the day to confuse me. Takes me ages to get into Nookie mindset. Now he has moved the feckin day. He promised me sex everyday of me holidays in a different hotel- alas I didn't find any hunks I fancied. Apart from the little man in the restaurant in Scotland who told me his wee legs had been going like the clappers and was aching. I offered to rub them down for him in my room. I even offered to give him a bath and I even offered to share some of my Epsom salts. He went off to order me dinner and I never seen him again. Then in another restaurant when I was scouting for hunks an old man was giving me the glad eye in that my eye was glad when he toddled off with another woman. That was mines Mr Husband settled for the night. So best get some more relaxing in today- tonight could be exhausting!

Morning of Day 18: Getting used to sleeping in the child's bed now. Woke up with me nose pressed against the side of the caravan again (still inside) and one of my arms in the overnight bag and my leg under the suitcase. Still mines Mr Husband was sleeping and snoring quite happily upside down in the big bed and that's all that matters to me. Thats cos I am a good and considerate wife.

Evening of  Day 18: - Been to Algebra. Was very bracing. Got naked to encourage people to get naked and go for swim. Not me of course- do ye thinks I am a nut job. I wasn't getting in that cold sea. No siree. I was just trying to encourage some of the others. But they all seemed to be giving me a wide berth. Mines Mr Husband said 'why did ye say to that woman in the shelter "clench your cheeks and move your fat arse up a seat or three" ?'. I said 'cos she was taking up too many seats with her cheeks spread out all over thems, and I bet she had no knickers on'. He looked me straight in the eye and said 'How rude'. 'Well precisely what I thought of her', I replied.  He said 'not her- you! I haven't been so embarrassed since - well since yesterday when you tapped that lady on the shoulder and told her she was the reason that some women should be stopped at the checkout from buying leggings'. 'That, my good man', I said 'was no lady- not with an arse like that- looks like she had smuggled two toddlers in her drawers'. Mines Mr Husband said he was considering divorcing me! Hmmm- now what?

Morning of Day 19: Getting used to this position in this little child's bed now. I didn't even want to get up this morning. Soooo tired. But a days adventures awaits. We are off to look at graves. You may say 'she has totally lost the plot'. But nope I haven't. I know where they all are. I checked with the doofer place before we left home.

Evening of Day 19: Had a really lovely day. The best yet. Ipswich has the most amazing Sainsbury's. I could easily live here.

Morning of Day 20: Heading for home. Too much holiday and too much adventuring. I think mines Mr Husband is worried we may have to spend the day in Sainsbury's again.

Evening of Day 20: It has been the longest day ever. In all of history. I swear. 7 hours of journey. Mines Mr Husband only let me out the car to pee. I wasn't allowed to interact with anyone. Or strip off. Or cheer people up. Our first stop- Sainsburys in Ipswich- I insisted for a pee- I did disobey him. I interacted with a woman in the loos. I said to her, through the cubicle door , 'Wow Mrs- that's some pee you are having. Sounds like a waterfall- didn't ye go before ye left home?'. She was going when I got in there and still going when I left. I said to her 'For goodness sake Mrs- stop will ye- we shall be flooded out and me feckin arm bands are at the bottom of the packing in the car'. She didn't answer. I noticed in the car park she came back to her car and she had a little shitsoo. Glad she never had that in there when I was in there! No place for little dogs.

Next Day back at home I reminisce: I did helped mines Mr Husband with the driving on the holiday. Well, when I say helped. He didn't let me have a go with the steering wheel or the pedals or the joy stick or anything like that. Its not as if I even drive on the path all of the time. Anyways he appointed me chief meerkat. Like when the chief meerkat stands on top of the hill to look out of for predators. Well I did that. I had to look out for errant motorists and pedestrians. Although he said he was pleased to give me this post I get the feeling sometimes he didn't really want me to do it. Once or twice I shouted to mind the sheeps in the fields and such like cows. He said they didn't pose a problem but they did on the Isle of Mull- they wandered willy nilly I remember. Once I shouted to make him stop for half a dead squirrel in the road. I said 'let me stop to get he for yer anniversary on Saturday'. He said he didn't want half a dead squirrel. I even offered to help look for the other half. I said 'look, he died grinning- he got a massive smile on his face'. He said 'He didn't die grinning- he looks like he died saying "eeeek- I am going to get run over". I prefer to think he died happy with his hands on his nuts. Alas his hands were in the air and I fear mines Mr Husband is right for once. Just once mind you. It appears the squirrels nuts were missing. It is our anniversary tomorrow- and I still haven't found him a present!

Just found out tomorrow is our seventh anniversary. Well I already knew it was seventh. But I found out Tis our wool and copper anniversary. Phew- that's has solved that problem of a present. I have three baskets of wool and he can choose a ball from that. He can have whichever one he wants. I am nice like that. Also may have a few coppers in me purse. Might let him have a couple of them.

OUR ANNIVERSARY : Mines Mr Husband has declined the gift of wool. He is such a misery guts at times. He even complained that I gave him a blank card. 'Tis blank for ye own message'- I tells him. 'Ye can write what ye likes in that'. He just looked at me blank as his card. Then he said 'Or I can give it ye back and ye can give it me again next year- this way ye can save some money' (he be a right tight arse when he is of the mind) and then he says 'or ye can save for ye next husband'. Well there is no answer to that on ye anniversary is there?

Windy Gussets, Orgasms and Buffed up Candlesticks

Adventures, Musings and Stuff that my head has had swooshing round in it.

Been exciting for me this week. The weather been all over the place. Here and there and all over. Windy gussets and sudden soakings. Half price dish sponges, a new washing up bowl (to take on me holidays), new orgasm socks (to take on me holidays), a new toofbrush (to take on me holidays- I not be like some dirty feckers who don't clean thems teef on holiday or any other time) and I today I am off to get more headphones (for me holidays if the bedroom experiment works) and some new bath mats (for me holidays- cos we still haven't done it) and a wedgie (for me holidays). Not only that but mines sister has found herself a man than don't snore. I am also keeping me eye out for one of these (to take on me holidays).

Well I expect ye are all wondering how the bedroom experiment went. Not well my friends, not well. T'was not so much a night of whips and chains as wires, cables and Velcro. Mines Mr Husband came in bedroom with a strappy contraption that he said is designed to shut yer cake 'ole.  He recommends this for men who's wives won't shut up!! Anyways on this thing goes, Velcro fastened, and he gets in my bed. That's half my bed gone! I like to sleep diagonally with loads of pillows supporting me. That was that outta the window long with my arse- T'was the only place left for it. Then Mines Mr Husband went to sleep and he started snoring. He breaks decibel metres. He could be banned from sleeping if the council heard it. So it was time for my part of the experiment. I threw the cover off and got me new super duper JVC headphones out. In vain, in the dark, I tried to find the hole- T'was very frustrating trying to find a little hole in the dark in the bed don't ye know. Then when I did find it the damn slippery thing kept sliding outta me ear hole. Cables all tangled round me neck. Then I found the music was playing but wasn't coming outta the headphones anyway and so Mines Mr Husband was woken to Elvis singing 'It ain't no big thing but it's growing'. Slightly insulted, he tried to go back to sleep. I finally managed to listen to some music but resulted to my solo beats. Still I couldn't sleep. Even had two sleepy tablets. In the end Mines Mr Husband got up and went back to his own bed because I was too fidgety for him! It's happening all over again tonight- all this so we don't have to book two hotel rooms on holiday!!

Well I am thinking of re-evaluating my relationship with mines Mr Husband. I said I was looking forward to seeing if there were any Dunelms on mines holidays. He said he is not. I don't really know if I can live with this kind of negativity. I may have to go on holiday with a different man- one who appreciates Dunelm on holiday.

We been up St Ottery Mary place today. Mines Mr Husband stopped outside the church and read, out loud, to me (cheek!) 'Confessions on a Saturday Here'. I inhaled that remark. Then we got home and he says 'I been thinking about that Confessions on a Saturday, fruitcake- maybe ye should go along'. Well I friggin never. He was thinking of sending me there. 'I already went last week whilst ye was at work', I tells him, 'but I ain't welcome there again, no siree'.  He looked horrified he did. 'Oh no, ye didn't did ye?' he asked. I nodded. 'Ye lifted yer top and jiggled yer boobies at father Dreary didn't  ye?'. I nodded. 'I did indeedy, he looked feckin miserable. Then I asked him I asked him if he would like me to buff up his candlestick. I lifted his cassock to have a look at it'. Then he shooed me out saying 'Go to hell Mary three times'. I think he had me confused with someone else to tell ye the truth. Well Mary to be exact. Mines Mr Husband shook his head in sorrow. He has gone to have time out in the shed he said. So I am asking ye all to check yer sheds-only we don't have one and I don't know the feck where he be!

She be a silly moo on Pointless- she thought Bermuda was a country. Every body knows that its not. Everybody knows it be a frickin triangle!

Is it just me or has anybody else noticed the roads are filled with these little friggin Fiat 500 things. They bloody everywhere. Are they free with cornflakes this year or someat? On the plus side they make my pea look like a mercedes!

Dear Philips Sonicare. I love my new electric toothbrush. My tongue had an amazing orgasm. I don't suppose you could make vibrators could you?

Camel Toes, Neon Fish and Knickers

Hows it all going me ol' babbers. I am still at it. Adventuring and writing. Getting ready for the big adventure of me life. Well that will be death probably but that be another story. I found out this week tis a lot of money to take the cable car up the Ben Nevis on our holiday. They do have cake up there at the top. But Mines Mr Husband won't want to pay all that money to go up in the cable car so he won't. So I shall crawl up on me hands and knees so I shall. I just hope they still got cake by the times I gets there.

 Tuesday: That was a successful trip taking mines Mr Husband to the Doctor. I could be a Doctor. I told him what was wrong with him and what he needed- before he went. I could do that job. Then Mines Mr Husband came home and said 'I have a list of questions now'- I told him he better make another appointment. He said 'No, not for the Doctor- for you'- I felt highly honoured he respects my doctoring skills.  'Fire away' I says. Then he asks these non essential questions:

'Why did ye give all the little neon fish from the tank to the young boy?' - Well I wasn't expecting that but I thought he be working up to the important question. 'Well', I tells him - 'T'was one for every spot on his little face'. He said 'It was acne, he is a teenager'. Tis true, but it cheered  him up. The receptionist......... less so. Then he said 'And why did ye ask that old man if he had peed his trousers and had to borrow his wifes?'. Stupid question I thought. 'Because they was pink trousers and men don't wear pink trousers as a rule'. He said 'Well it matched his shirt'. Now I am worried because Mines Mr Husband has bought a pink shirt today (to match his eyes) and I am not keen on him buying pink trousers to match! Then he said 'And why did you ask that man stood up if it was because he had piles and couldn't sit down and worst of all why did you ask that dear old lady on the crutches if she was here to see the doctor about her camel toe?'. .. 'Because' - I said 'it was yuk, yuk yukkety'.  He said I am not allowed to go to the doctors next time he goes because I can't mind me own Fuk Fuk Fukkety buisness. Umph! Always pissing on me chips that man!!

Thursday: There is some asshole on a motorbike that keeps tearing round this estate at stupid times of sleepiness for the rest of us. But I have a soft spot for him- a swamp at bottom of road- dirty disgusting place tis. In the morning I shall lie in wait for him and flash and jiggle mines boobies. That should throw him.............straight into the swamp! Never let it be said boobies are not useful.

Well after watching years and years of the Air Ram hoover doofer thing now he has invented a bush trimmer. It is very quiet and very light- apparently. Well because I have the frymejelly thingy and I get achey arms I am thinking of getting one of these because apparently it is light enough you can hold it above your head to trim your bush! I thought I may be able to do me fringe and me eyebrows at the same time! Gotta be worth a try.

 Monday: Not long til me holidays now and we are discussing what we will be doing. Mines Mr Husband has suggested we have sex in different hotels. I said 'I am up for that if you are- as long as each different hotel I have it in the whoever is a hot hunk- I don't wanna be just having it with anybody'. Apparently that's not what he meant so he off to work grousing. T'was what I thought he meant. I will be just as happy if there is only cake.x

This arferitis is playing havoc with my fingers and I can't undo lids on things anymore.  'Take me top off' I said to mines Mr Husband. He did. That is why I am naked if you are wondering. We are at the bus stop and I did want the top taking off me drink but I ain't fussy I ain't.

 Saturday: We are experimenting tonight in the bedroom. My bedroom none the less. Yep- I have a new weapon to try in the snore war- tis new ear phones to listen to me Elvis through. I have had a little experiment this morning. Yep me and Elvis and a singalong with Beth and Elvis (just to try out the new earphones ye understands). I don't know if it the neighbours could hear anything or not- they are all gone out now- curious indeedy. On the plus side I didn't hear them go. So thems headphones must work.

FRIDAY: I am toying with going to Tesco and Dunelm all by myself today- I know I have to do the M5 bit to Tesco, and its not going it is coming back- maybe I should be better off just doing co-op- Oh I don't know- I wish I didn't have to make such decisions.....................Just checking traffic- looks like I gotta to avoid London Rd in Leicester. Mmm- tricky- its not exactly on my main route- well it shouldn't be but getting back from Tesco- tis easier to go with the flow.......

FRIDAY afternoon: Well tis very exciting here. I am celebrating with lemonade and a yogurt, I have not only been to Tesco but I have managed to get home. I managed to get home!! Without even going near London Road in Leicester. On the down side, they had turned Tesco completely back to front and I couldn't find anything I wanted. I nearly had a meltdown there and then. Us peoples with Aspergers cannot cope with the supermarket being turned back to front. On the plus side I got meself one and half new boyfirends. One was as old as the hills, one foot in the grave and one on a bar of soap- but we just clicked. I helped him choose new socks for the golf club (he said price wasn't important to him- I thought -'onto a winner ye are here Beth- he be wealthy'). I wasn't sure if it was a good time to talk orgasm socks- he didn't look as if he could cope with that. Especially not in Tesco. Then I help him choose his dandruff shampoo- he wanted the one that was smooth and shiny (for the golf club)- tis true he didn't have a lot of hair but he may not just have been using it on his head. I didn't ask. Tis not my place to pry into old men's personal hygiene habits. Then he helped me choose new knickers and incontinence pads. Seems we really clicked. Then I helped him choose sun tan lotion- for when he is at the golf club. It all happens at this feckin golf club. Then he wandered off - I think he got confused. In the meantime I met another old chap who helped me look for Pizza bases in not one but two aisles but we didn't click quite as much. Looking for Pizza bases is not the same as looking for knickers and socks together. Plus I think he had a wife. That could have made things a little awkward. Then I met up with the other one again in the saucy Aisle. I am in there guys I tell ye. And he got money. And he won't be a pain in the arse cos he will be at the golf club all day. Anyways I ain't been to Dunelm yet. I can't work out how to get to it without coming home and starting again. And I gotta go Co-op for stamps yet. All go yer tis.

Monks and Booby Jiggling

Well how's your week been- this is what mine has been doing:

SUNDAY:Mines Mr Husband took me out for the afternoon. I am not religious as ye knows. I been there, done that and had the guilt trip. The nearest I gets to religious is to say to Satan 'Get thee behind me' when I am outside the cake shop- and he usually pushes me in. Anyways mines Mr Husband takes me to the Abbey up Buckwhatsit. People go there for a religious experience. I didn't want one but its full of monks and I thought they may like a Beth experience. Mines Mr Husband had to remove his cap at the door. I asked if they would like me to remove something- please. They said not. I asked them to think again- I Was willing to remove my entire outfit. I even told them I had new knickers. The answer was still no. 'Bugger' I said- and they frowned and done the sign of the cross over me head. So I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies- it usually cheers men up. Not so Monks. I hope mines Ashley is not getting married in there because I don't think I will be allowed in again. Then Mines Mr Husband took me somewhere less controversial- the river Dart. I got me self a nice canoe. But Mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips. He said 'Fruitcake, give the man back his canoe and apologize for tipping him out'. I didn't tip him out. I lifted mines top and jiggled my boobies just as he was going past- he fell out of his own choosing. We are home now- not allowed on adventures for a while!!

MONDAY: So I see Littlewoods are selling breakfast cushions. Seems Porridge is out of fashion these days. I just don't know how I am going to get mines Mr Husband to swallow that one! Might need extra coffee.

TUESDAY: Yay, I made new friends today- although mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips- he says that tying people up and keeping them in the cupboard goes above being anti-social. I am not anti-social- quite the opposite in fact.

THURSDAY: A couple of  'not feeling it days'- but that's because mines Mr Husband is at work or asleep all this week and can't get close enough. Oh yeah, and I cut me fringe- I need to do serious top lifting and naked booby jiggling to distract peoples eyes from it. The man in Save the Bernardos shop had a panic attack when I did it. He is not used to any customers (although they did have 15 on the opening day) let alone naked booby jiggling ones .And now here I am, survived another week- but tis another week nearer to the holiday and I still have bath mats to get yet! Feeling a trip to Dunelm coming on..............

WEDNESDAY :Well her across the road, the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one with the integrated bike rack, is having a baby. An actual baby. A real one! She didn't just have a baby shower for the cake. Neither did she offer me any. However, she left the kitchen windows open so I help me self. It  looked like self service to me so I didn't ask. Anyways, her blokey, the pork pie shaped one also with integrated bike rack (I seen it when he was bent over tending to her tulips in her box), he came and told mines Mr Husband they were having a baby shower cos they were having a baby. I thought t'was just cake. Anyway I said to mines Mr Husband 'When is it going to be born?'- he said 'I don't feckin know- I didn't ask'. I told him- 'well I needs to know- I don't want to be in that day- just in case I have to get involved. I had that problem in the last house when PYT (Pretty Young Thing) next door was having hers and things got late, and difficult and all I had to hand was a bread knife. So I asked him 'Is it a boy or a girl?'- he said he didn't know- he didn't ask and why did it matter. I said 'Because her next door at 23 got a boy- I don't want another boy- it will play havoc with my OCD. I like things to be evened out'. He said 'well we get what comes and its not our business anyway'. He was quite rude to me about it. So then I asked 'how much it weighted and he said he didn't ask because they haven't had it yet. And I was to stop asking so many questions. I still think its pretty damn inconsiderate not to consult the neighbours about planning a baby when we all live so close. People these days have no consideration for others!

Cut me hair with me new doofers with the spirit level on. Someat wrong with that spirit level if ye asks me. Wouldn't stay still. Anyways my advice to anyone buying one of them doofers to cuts thems hair is take your knickers off first. I expect when Mines Mr Husband gets up and comes round from the sleep experience (yep- feckin nights again!) he will advise me go to a hairdresser to get it straightened!

PM: Well mines Mr Husband is up- he has spotted me fringe. He just sighed and said 'oh dear, oh dear- oh dear!' I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies. It has distracted him from me fringe!

FRIDAY: So the lyrics are 'wave my last goodbye' and all this time I been singing wave my ass goodbye'. Thought it was strange. Learns someat new every day you doos.

SATURDAY: Well thats mines Mr Husband Happy. I finally emptied the fairy liquid bottle. He been waiting ages for that so he can build a rocket. Sshhh don't tell him but I refilled it three times! Little divil me.

Swinging Nuts, Orange Socks and Party Poppers

It all happens down by yer so it does!

WEDNESDAY:I bet ye all wondering how the electric man got on ain't ye? He was late for starters. When he comed I was impatient. I opened the door and said 'Eelectric man?'- he had EON on his shirt. He said 'No'. I said 'Have ye brought cake and cookies like it says on me door?'- I pointed the notice out cos these peoples aren't always observant. He said 'No- I come to mend the boiler'. I told him if he hadn't brought cake or cookies I didn't know to let him in or not. He said 'look missus I am a supervisor'. I thought 'ooo-er a supervisor' so I grabbed him by the time and dragged him up me hole'. Then he ran back saying he had to lock the van. He came back willingly. Then he was only yer an hour- he has all his equipment out all over me floor and then he said he had to go cos one of his nuts was sheared off. I don't know if he will come back and finish the job. I bet he will send someone else. The same one never comes twice here. Curious indeedy.

SATURDAY: Hers across the road, the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one with the integrated bike rack, well let me tell yous she is having a baby shower today. I think it means either she is having a baby: or she is having a shower of babies: or he is hosing her down in the yard- but to tell ye the truth these houses are only for skinny bitches and the showers nion impossible to get into without taking the doors off so he often hoses her down in the yard. To be fair she hoses him down as well.  Sometimes they takes them clothes off. Anyways I am put out they didn't consult me about this baby business. I don't want no more screamy brats in this street- no siree. And ye knows what happens when thems womens haves babies- they lets thems bushes go to wrack and ruin. T'wil be a sight for sore eyes outside this winder. And I guess this means all sorts of carrys on been going on in that house of late. I noticed they been going to bed early. I notice stuff like that.  There are lots of cars in the street today and lots of unknown peoples. I have made a few friends. I told them all I have new knickers. Mines Mr Husband said 'ye din't need to tell everybody'- but I am so pleased with me purchase I want to shout it from the roof top! If any of ye wants to see me knickers I can post a picture!!

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband came in and said 'I have caught a bug'. Caught a bug! 'Oh, ye dirty fecker I hope ye let it go again- or did ye put it in a jar?- Ye should let the bugs fly free don't ye know?'. He looked at me like I didn't know what he was saying. 'No, I caught a bug' he said again- 'I caught a stomach bug'. Well I tell ye I moved away sharpish. 'For feck's sake man- ye can keep that- and don't get near me with that fecker'. He looked a bit sad but I didn't care ' I have to work' he said. 'what can ye give me for the bug- can ye give me anything for me bug?' he asked. I said 'I can indeedy - I can give thee a cork'. So I did (with instructions accordingly). Well, T'was a party popper. I thought it would be much more fun. I don't think he noticed. Not yet anyways!

THURSDAY: Mines Mr Husband was in a rebellious mood last night. He went to work wearing nothing but his orange socks with the smiley face on. It caused quite a stir I can tell thee. Uproar. 'What's wrong with that?' I hear ye ask. Well I tell ye. He ain't supposed to wear orange socks to work! Also the smiley face is a definite no no-(the Big Fat Git who steals peoples promotions from under thems noses says so!). Feckin misery arses if you ask me!

WEDNESDAY PM:

Whenever I walk into the Dr's it's always the same. Take a seat Mrs Lucas- not next to the fish tank; and not in the children's play area; and don't sit at a table and order an all day breakfast. 'I won't' I said - 'that feckin menu is shite- last time I was in all you had on it was nicotine patches, flu injections and bereavement counselling'. 'Please Mrs Lucas, just take a seat'. Sounded a bit tetchy if ye ask me. I did like I was told and took a seat. I took it and sat in the corridor outside Dr Angry Jones room. She has a welsh name. She speaks English. The reception woman said 'you can sit here in the waiting room next to Mr Worth'. I said 'No fanks- he smells of rich tea biscuits and wee'. Anyways Dr Jones said my bloods weren't too good and now I have to see the rumour whatsit thingy doctor up the RDE place. I am not sure about that place. They carried out the wrong procedure on the wrong person the other day. It could be dangerous to go there it could!!

MONDAY: I just read that half of all women in the workplace are sexually harrassed. Jeez I must get me a job!

TUESDAY: One of those 'oh no not again' moments when you look out the window and see one of your mister husbands fat balls swinging all alone and then along comes two fat birds who start fighting over it! Then you have to go out and shoo them off. This is what my life is like somedays! Fat balls and fat birds and sheared off nuts- not to mention twisted drawers!