Camel Toes, Neon Fish and Knickers

Hows it all going me ol' babbers. I am still at it. Adventuring and writing. Getting ready for the big adventure of me life. Well that will be death probably but that be another story. I found out this week tis a lot of money to take the cable car up the Ben Nevis on our holiday. They do have cake up there at the top. But Mines Mr Husband won't want to pay all that money to go up in the cable car so he won't. So I shall crawl up on me hands and knees so I shall. I just hope they still got cake by the times I gets there.

 Tuesday: That was a successful trip taking mines Mr Husband to the Doctor. I could be a Doctor. I told him what was wrong with him and what he needed- before he went. I could do that job. Then Mines Mr Husband came home and said 'I have a list of questions now'- I told him he better make another appointment. He said 'No, not for the Doctor- for you'- I felt highly honoured he respects my doctoring skills.  'Fire away' I says. Then he asks these non essential questions:

'Why did ye give all the little neon fish from the tank to the young boy?' - Well I wasn't expecting that but I thought he be working up to the important question. 'Well', I tells him - 'T'was one for every spot on his little face'. He said 'It was acne, he is a teenager'. Tis true, but it cheered  him up. The receptionist......... less so. Then he said 'And why did ye ask that old man if he had peed his trousers and had to borrow his wifes?'. Stupid question I thought. 'Because they was pink trousers and men don't wear pink trousers as a rule'. He said 'Well it matched his shirt'. Now I am worried because Mines Mr Husband has bought a pink shirt today (to match his eyes) and I am not keen on him buying pink trousers to match! Then he said 'And why did you ask that man stood up if it was because he had piles and couldn't sit down and worst of all why did you ask that dear old lady on the crutches if she was here to see the doctor about her camel toe?'. .. 'Because' - I said 'it was yuk, yuk yukkety'.  He said I am not allowed to go to the doctors next time he goes because I can't mind me own Fuk Fuk Fukkety buisness. Umph! Always pissing on me chips that man!!

Thursday: There is some asshole on a motorbike that keeps tearing round this estate at stupid times of sleepiness for the rest of us. But I have a soft spot for him- a swamp at bottom of road- dirty disgusting place tis. In the morning I shall lie in wait for him and flash and jiggle mines boobies. That should throw him.............straight into the swamp! Never let it be said boobies are not useful.

Well after watching years and years of the Air Ram hoover doofer thing now he has invented a bush trimmer. It is very quiet and very light- apparently. Well because I have the frymejelly thingy and I get achey arms I am thinking of getting one of these because apparently it is light enough you can hold it above your head to trim your bush! I thought I may be able to do me fringe and me eyebrows at the same time! Gotta be worth a try.

 Monday: Not long til me holidays now and we are discussing what we will be doing. Mines Mr Husband has suggested we have sex in different hotels. I said 'I am up for that if you are- as long as each different hotel I have it in the whoever is a hot hunk- I don't wanna be just having it with anybody'. Apparently that's not what he meant so he off to work grousing. T'was what I thought he meant. I will be just as happy if there is only cake.x

This arferitis is playing havoc with my fingers and I can't undo lids on things anymore.  'Take me top off' I said to mines Mr Husband. He did. That is why I am naked if you are wondering. We are at the bus stop and I did want the top taking off me drink but I ain't fussy I ain't.

 Saturday: We are experimenting tonight in the bedroom. My bedroom none the less. Yep- I have a new weapon to try in the snore war- tis new ear phones to listen to me Elvis through. I have had a little experiment this morning. Yep me and Elvis and a singalong with Beth and Elvis (just to try out the new earphones ye understands). I don't know if it the neighbours could hear anything or not- they are all gone out now- curious indeedy. On the plus side I didn't hear them go. So thems headphones must work.

FRIDAY: I am toying with going to Tesco and Dunelm all by myself today- I know I have to do the M5 bit to Tesco, and its not going it is coming back- maybe I should be better off just doing co-op- Oh I don't know- I wish I didn't have to make such decisions.....................Just checking traffic- looks like I gotta to avoid London Rd in Leicester. Mmm- tricky- its not exactly on my main route- well it shouldn't be but getting back from Tesco- tis easier to go with the flow.......

FRIDAY afternoon: Well tis very exciting here. I am celebrating with lemonade and a yogurt, I have not only been to Tesco but I have managed to get home. I managed to get home!! Without even going near London Road in Leicester. On the down side, they had turned Tesco completely back to front and I couldn't find anything I wanted. I nearly had a meltdown there and then. Us peoples with Aspergers cannot cope with the supermarket being turned back to front. On the plus side I got meself one and half new boyfirends. One was as old as the hills, one foot in the grave and one on a bar of soap- but we just clicked. I helped him choose new socks for the golf club (he said price wasn't important to him- I thought -'onto a winner ye are here Beth- he be wealthy'). I wasn't sure if it was a good time to talk orgasm socks- he didn't look as if he could cope with that. Especially not in Tesco. Then I help him choose his dandruff shampoo- he wanted the one that was smooth and shiny (for the golf club)- tis true he didn't have a lot of hair but he may not just have been using it on his head. I didn't ask. Tis not my place to pry into old men's personal hygiene habits. Then he helped me choose new knickers and incontinence pads. Seems we really clicked. Then I helped him choose sun tan lotion- for when he is at the golf club. It all happens at this feckin golf club. Then he wandered off - I think he got confused. In the meantime I met another old chap who helped me look for Pizza bases in not one but two aisles but we didn't click quite as much. Looking for Pizza bases is not the same as looking for knickers and socks together. Plus I think he had a wife. That could have made things a little awkward. Then I met up with the other one again in the saucy Aisle. I am in there guys I tell ye. And he got money. And he won't be a pain in the arse cos he will be at the golf club all day. Anyways I ain't been to Dunelm yet. I can't work out how to get to it without coming home and starting again. And I gotta go Co-op for stamps yet. All go yer tis.