Marmite, Nuts and No Knickers

 THIS WEEK AT THE NUT HOUSE!

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband said Why did you shout out "I'v got no knickers on" at the top of the stairs this afternoon? Well that confused me. 'Cos you told me too" I said. 'Yes' he said, 'but I meant at home, not at the top of the stairs in Marks and Spencers'. He never makes things feckin clear that man. I always have to work it out for meself!!

I don't think that mine's Mr Husband should suggest date nights and then complain when I trawl dating websites for some one to go with. He contradictory that man is.

Also: Mines Mr Husband has asked me if I want to go on a business trip with him in a few weeks. WTF?? 'Why can't ye takes yer secretary like every other man who goes on business?' I asked him. 'Cos I don't have a secretary' was all he could think of replying. Well tis true. He don't. Always pissin on my cornflakes that man!

THURSDAY;Well a while back mines son-in-law gived me a little tit for me cooking. Add marmite to stews and Bologneses for extra taste. Infact ye can add to anything he said. Let me tell you I have tried it and it's fecking horrible on yer rice krispies. My rice krispies are refusing to tell me what to do today. Thats cos they don't like Marmite! Also I added some to the bath last night. Not a good idea- when I got out mines Mr Husband thought I had smeared meself with chocolate for a kinky dare and chased me all over the house. He is now sulking cos he feckin hates marmite. That will teach him to keep his tongue in his mouth so it will.

ALSO -So there is a house full of PYT's (Pretty Young things) this week next door having a holiday and shenanigans. Mines Mr Husband has been pleading with me to cover him in Chocolate and throw him over the fence. 'I am horrified at the mere suggestion' I tells him- ' I simply cannot believe you expect me to waste my chocolate on such things- go round and knock on the door and wait to be invited in like normal people'. He is gone to the shed to sulk. This still worries me as we still don't have a shed.

WEDNESDAY ;Here we go- I so don't need a calender to know when we are nearing xmas. Here come the adverts. Get thee self a snow leopard or a mankywankydonkey with only three legs for the price of just three squids. Or why not treat theeself to a homeless person for christmas. To be truthful I did that a few year back now and he hasn't moved out yet- he says 'I am yer husband ye little pickled walnut and I am so staying'.(ooo- sorry Kim me ol' bean- didn't think then!! Best not mention pickled walnuts to yer Mr Husband). Although tis true I have taught him about soap, water, deodrant and such things. He only cost £26. A bargain at half the price. Anyways I have found him a nice jumper for Christmas this year. T'was just there at the side of the road. It needed a bit of attention- a few stitches and a good wash or two. Still has a tyre mark round middle but I said to him 'Will not show when tis on- every one gets a spare tyre round the middle when they gets older'. He is sulking still though. Can't win em all ye can't.

 TUESDAY: Mines Mr Husband is wanting me to lie down and take my temperature with his thermometer. Although why I have to strip I have no idea. He says he is baffled and thinks I am in need of medical attention because I went to the shops- Laura Ashley at that- went in, bought the one thing I wanted to buy. I didn't look at anything else. I didn't buy anything else. Although tis true I was quite taken with a nice tool box in Homebase as I went past and I do a have a bradawl and some electrical screwdrivers for doing things. And I really do like tool boxes. But I didn't buy it. Also I drove past Dunelm and didn't go in. I didn't even tempt myself with looking at the place. Now ye all thinks this is peculiar behaviour from me. But the truth is Mines Mr Husband hit me with a shock this week. He says he doesn't enjoy shopping- and he doesn't (in particular I note) enjoy shopping in Dunelm. He doesn't find it relaxing as I do. I am horrified. Mortified. All the days I have selflessly dragged around there with him trying to find him presents for Fathers Day, Christmas, Birthdays, Mothers days and all the days in between. I think he is the one who needs laying down and having his temperature taken and I won't tell ye where I will shoving thermometer.

SATURDAY: We went to visit mines little sister and on the way I stopped to get mines Mr Husband a nice fox. T'was dead. I thought would go nicely round his neck on a night out. It could start a fashion trend. He said 'no, thank you- I don't want it'. I said 'But you haven't got a fox yet - well not a whole one'. He refused point blank and made me get back in the car. Never let it be said that I am the mean one in this relationship- I do try me hardest.

MONDAY: Ye probably been thinking I been quiet for a Monday morning. Well I been out round the local shops making some friends and get this I have appeared in a movie. Mines Mr Husband didn't. He wasn't there. He wasn't in the mood for making friends or the movies. I asked them 'What ye doing- can I be in this film?'. They said they didn't need me. I said 'oh go on- I makes me own videos and everyfin. I have been on This morning (you know- the bulldog clip thing) and I am on Youtube Face whatsitappy thingy and I am big in Russia'. They said they didn't need me. I told them I wasn't going home until they at least let me audition for the part. They said they didn't need anyone at all. I said 'I knows, let me do a bit of Elvis singalong with Beth for ye- do anyone have any music?' They said 'no, now go away'. I ignored them. I said 'Oy you with the fluffy thingy candy floss on a stick- have ye got any Elvis music- or any music will do- I will just sing an Elvis song over the top?' He said 'no- get out of the way'. I told ye I was going to be big in Hollywood and ye gotta start somewhere so ye have. So then I surprised them all and stripped naked and danced and jiggled me boobies and me knees and sung Hound Dog anyway. And its not even naked singing and dancing day.Yay I will be famous- once one of yous kinds peoples sends some bail money. Thankyeees muchly.