Monks and Booby Jiggling

Well how's your week been- this is what mine has been doing:

SUNDAY:Mines Mr Husband took me out for the afternoon. I am not religious as ye knows. I been there, done that and had the guilt trip. The nearest I gets to religious is to say to Satan 'Get thee behind me' when I am outside the cake shop- and he usually pushes me in. Anyways mines Mr Husband takes me to the Abbey up Buckwhatsit. People go there for a religious experience. I didn't want one but its full of monks and I thought they may like a Beth experience. Mines Mr Husband had to remove his cap at the door. I asked if they would like me to remove something- please. They said not. I asked them to think again- I Was willing to remove my entire outfit. I even told them I had new knickers. The answer was still no. 'Bugger' I said- and they frowned and done the sign of the cross over me head. So I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies- it usually cheers men up. Not so Monks. I hope mines Ashley is not getting married in there because I don't think I will be allowed in again. Then Mines Mr Husband took me somewhere less controversial- the river Dart. I got me self a nice canoe. But Mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips. He said 'Fruitcake, give the man back his canoe and apologize for tipping him out'. I didn't tip him out. I lifted mines top and jiggled my boobies just as he was going past- he fell out of his own choosing. We are home now- not allowed on adventures for a while!!

MONDAY: So I see Littlewoods are selling breakfast cushions. Seems Porridge is out of fashion these days. I just don't know how I am going to get mines Mr Husband to swallow that one! Might need extra coffee.

TUESDAY: Yay, I made new friends today- although mines Mr Husband is always pissing on my chips- he says that tying people up and keeping them in the cupboard goes above being anti-social. I am not anti-social- quite the opposite in fact.

THURSDAY: A couple of  'not feeling it days'- but that's because mines Mr Husband is at work or asleep all this week and can't get close enough. Oh yeah, and I cut me fringe- I need to do serious top lifting and naked booby jiggling to distract peoples eyes from it. The man in Save the Bernardos shop had a panic attack when I did it. He is not used to any customers (although they did have 15 on the opening day) let alone naked booby jiggling ones .And now here I am, survived another week- but tis another week nearer to the holiday and I still have bath mats to get yet! Feeling a trip to Dunelm coming on..............

WEDNESDAY :Well her across the road, the family size gateaux from Iceland shaped one with the integrated bike rack, is having a baby. An actual baby. A real one! She didn't just have a baby shower for the cake. Neither did she offer me any. However, she left the kitchen windows open so I help me self. It  looked like self service to me so I didn't ask. Anyways, her blokey, the pork pie shaped one also with integrated bike rack (I seen it when he was bent over tending to her tulips in her box), he came and told mines Mr Husband they were having a baby shower cos they were having a baby. I thought t'was just cake. Anyway I said to mines Mr Husband 'When is it going to be born?'- he said 'I don't feckin know- I didn't ask'. I told him- 'well I needs to know- I don't want to be in that day- just in case I have to get involved. I had that problem in the last house when PYT (Pretty Young Thing) next door was having hers and things got late, and difficult and all I had to hand was a bread knife. So I asked him 'Is it a boy or a girl?'- he said he didn't know- he didn't ask and why did it matter. I said 'Because her next door at 23 got a boy- I don't want another boy- it will play havoc with my OCD. I like things to be evened out'. He said 'well we get what comes and its not our business anyway'. He was quite rude to me about it. So then I asked 'how much it weighted and he said he didn't ask because they haven't had it yet. And I was to stop asking so many questions. I still think its pretty damn inconsiderate not to consult the neighbours about planning a baby when we all live so close. People these days have no consideration for others!

Cut me hair with me new doofers with the spirit level on. Someat wrong with that spirit level if ye asks me. Wouldn't stay still. Anyways my advice to anyone buying one of them doofers to cuts thems hair is take your knickers off first. I expect when Mines Mr Husband gets up and comes round from the sleep experience (yep- feckin nights again!) he will advise me go to a hairdresser to get it straightened!

PM: Well mines Mr Husband is up- he has spotted me fringe. He just sighed and said 'oh dear, oh dear- oh dear!' I lifted me top and jiggled me boobies. It has distracted him from me fringe!

FRIDAY: So the lyrics are 'wave my last goodbye' and all this time I been singing wave my ass goodbye'. Thought it was strange. Learns someat new every day you doos.

SATURDAY: Well thats mines Mr Husband Happy. I finally emptied the fairy liquid bottle. He been waiting ages for that so he can build a rocket. Sshhh don't tell him but I refilled it three times! Little divil me.