Naked Twerking and the Doctor

Well me ol babbers I was off to see the rumour doctor this week. Mines Mr Husband was taking me there. He will take me anywhere that man. He has no shame. He has gave me this list of instructions:

Do not strip off anywhere unless invited, and certainly not in the waiting room.

If the doctor invites you too strip there is no need to look so eager and do not say 'I will if you will- I will show you mine if you show me yours' - tis embarrassing.

Do not announce 'lets play lucky dip' and go around the waiting room asking if anyone wants to give you 50p for a look to see if you are wearing knickers or not.

Do not fiddle with anyone's walking or hearing aids.

Do not touch the fish tank and do not hand them out as prizes to people for being good in the Doctors room

Do not sit anyone's kids to muffle them.

Do not tell the receptionist to get a proper job when she refuses to replace' relaxing classic crap' as you put it with a bit of Elvis and do not sing Elvis songs and try and get the old peoples up to gyrate their hips. Especially people with broken hips and legs.

Just when I thought he had finished he added:

And if you see anyone laying in a bed or on a trolley DO NOT poke, prod or pull anything to see if they are alive!!

I thought I  am soooo going on my own to this appointment if he is going to piss on my chips!!

Just as we was walking into the Hospital Mines Mr Husband said 'Remember what I said earlier and Don't jiggle anything of yours and certainly not of anybody else's. And no twerking'. Umph!

The first thing the doctor said was 'why have you taken all your clothes off Mrs Lucas'. I said 'I thought you might want to do an internal'. He said 'No- I don't put your clothes back on please'. I said 'I wore me best matching undies so I did'. He raised one eyebrow and said 'Matching what?'- I said 'Well me knickers match me eyes and me bra matches me handbag'.

Anyways he says 'ye haves fryupmejelly'. I said 'I know- I just told ye that you deaf fecker'. He told me that mostly its psycho whatsit. And all I need is acrobatics and sleep. No more cake and no more Elvis late at night in bed. He fair upset me with that comment to be honest. I shan't go again. Even if he hasn't invited me. I still shan't go again! Waste of everybody's time. I could have stayed in bed for an hour more. Going for a jog now! (If mines Mr Husband gets me mobility walker out the car for me!)

Boobies, Knickers, and Fashion Faux Pas

Ye all been thinking that I been very quiet this week. Well I been very busy. Monday I did visit mines Mother and Father and Mines children and mines Mr Ex husband and mines sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion).T'was when mines Mr Husband found he was having car issues and T'was just before his nipples fell off! Then Tuesday I went to Tesco- tis always a long day. I don't want to start Jam Sponge Pudding Gate again but Mines Mr Husband also pointed not only do thems food banks want JSP they want feckin custard to go with it. Mines Mr Husband won't let me go to tesco again if I am going to rant all the way home he said. Also I stripped off and tried new PJ's on in Aisle 3. Made the manager cross so I did- he has warned me about this before. I said 'No ye didn't- T'was when I tried knickers on before'. Yesterday we went Torquay. As soon as we got there Mines Mr Husband saw the bouncy castle. Then it started 'I wanna go on the bouncy castle, Please let me go on the bouncy castle'. Nag, nag, nag. Then he said 'No- mines little fruitcake- no bouncy castle for you. The last time you bounced too hard and that little child bounced off and went over the sea wall didn't he?' I reminded him T'was not my fault if a stupid mother puts a child on a bouncy castle. Who is that stupid I Ask you? They are not places for children. No Siree. Then he said ' The answer is still no. You got that bladder thingy problem and soon as ye jumps and downs its like a feckin flood. Plus that there squeaking I am sure was your rear end and not the bouncy castle. If ye asks to go on it again I will put you in the car and take you back home. And keep your clothes on'. I only pointed out one fashion faux pas on this trip - all I said was 'Jeez woman, are you feckin mad? A white dress, with a navy bra? and orange knickers with blue spots? Don't ye have any fashion sense? ' I thought she was a tad irritable meself- (probably PMT) but fortunately I am good at ducking. DUCKING I said. I thought 'mmm, good jobs mines Mr Husband got a bit of padding round his middle or that could have really hurt him'. Mines Mr Husband often commends me on my ducking skills. I think that's what he said. Then we saw the Red Arrows. The weather was a bit iffy and they said they didn't know if the Red Arrows would come. So I thought 'well I have never been one to be put off by a drop of rain' and I climbed on the sea wall and Mines Mr Husband said 'Come down off of there at once'. I said 'no, if the red arrows don't come all these peoples will be disappointed so I am going to show them my boobies'. The man from the BBC was on the sea wall. I am sorry he fell off when I lifted my top. T'was a shock for him. Anways the red arrows came and the one that went round the garden on Sunday- I am sure he waved and shouted out 'Show us ye knickers sex kitten'. So I did. I am sorry the man from the BBC fell off the wall again. Today I helped mines Mr Husband mend the car because I am the brains in this outfit. Also had to protect mines nipples. Going to be somewhat quieter now I thinks cos mines Mr Husband is working - Saturday is coming and is sing along with Beth and Elvis day but mines Mr Husband will be sleeping so I guess I will just be miming. 

Cracks, Labias flapping and crabs................

Mines Mr Husband took me for a little amble yesterday- on account of him being at work the rest of the week and to stop boredom and rigamortis setting in for me whilst he is there. We started off in a grand little place called Shaldon and somehow ended up in Torquay- we are quite fond of Torquay. However, he has told me I cannot again unless I issue the following apologies- so here goes: Apologies to

To the little fat kid whom I asked for a lick of his ice cream- despite your refusal I did manage to get the chocolate flake. In my defence I have to say I do have a chocolate addiction. And I am sorry for telling you the Karma bogey man would get you if you didn't share.

To the old man and the old woman on the bench- I shouldn't have told you the grim reaper was stood behind you just to get you to move off that bench - to be fair it did backfire a bit because as it turns out he was stood behind you- and to the old lady- I am sorry to hear about your loss.

To the girl in the lime green boob tube dress thingy- I probably shouldn't have told you that it was two sizes to small and we could see you your two sizes too small thong, a spare tyre and almost all of your white?? bra and your bra labels 34b flapping around in the breeze. I bet with that thong being two sizes too small your labels on your bra weren't the only thing flapping in the breeze.

To ALL of the party size gateaux from Iceland shaped women with legs like tree trunks who thought for some reason it would be a good idea to wear mini skirts and size 12 shorts and treat us all to thigh slapping and severe flesh wobbling and crack flashing I apologise for pointing it out- although really? Come on- I know you are on holiday but just because you are party size gateaux from Iceland shaped you can't where is my sense of decency where other people are eating. Nuff said.

To the young man carrying the rather large (empty) crab bucket- I probably shouldn't have pointed out that the girl you were with would soon fill that for you if you carried on dating her- and I know you think I might not know her from Adam but trust me on this- she is definitely not Adam!

To the two mothers on the seafront who were busy looking at their phones- I swapped your babies over but you probably still haven't looked up yet. The baby in the blue sun hat needs his arse changing btw.

I cannot apologise to the young man who I am sure was Harry Styles for winking and twerking in your one direction. Serves you right for smiling in mine!

Also I cannot apologise to the young man to whom I gave my hairbrush- 'Just got out of bed hairstyle, and can you see last nights pizza's and a used condom in it'- Torquay is not the place to sport it. I spent all feckin day trying to get people to look respectable and sort themselves out and then you come along and spoil the whole town with that hair. Get a grip man- or a packet full and pin some of it into place.

To mines Mr Husband - I hope these apologies suffice and please take me again...........