Well me ol babbers I was off to see the rumour doctor this
week. Mines Mr Husband was taking me there. He will take me anywhere that man.
He has no shame. He has gave me this list of instructions:
Do not strip off anywhere unless invited, and certainly not
in the waiting room.
If the doctor invites you too strip there is no need to look
so eager and do not say 'I will if you will- I will show you mine if you show
me yours' - tis embarrassing.
Do not announce 'lets play lucky dip' and go around the
waiting room asking if anyone wants to give you 50p for a look to see if you
are wearing knickers or not.
Do not fiddle with anyone's walking or hearing aids.
Do not touch the fish tank and do not hand them out as
prizes to people for being good in the Doctors room
Do not sit anyone's kids to muffle them.
Do not tell the receptionist to get a proper job when she
refuses to replace' relaxing classic crap' as you put it with a bit of Elvis
and do not sing Elvis songs and try and get the old peoples up to gyrate their
hips. Especially people with broken hips and legs.
Just when I thought he had finished he added:
And if you see anyone laying in a bed or on a trolley DO NOT
poke, prod or pull anything to see if they are alive!!
I thought I am soooo
going on my own to this appointment if he is going to piss on my chips!!
Just as we was walking into the Hospital Mines Mr Husband
said 'Remember what I said earlier and Don't jiggle anything of yours and
certainly not of anybody else's. And no twerking'. Umph!
The first thing the doctor said was 'why have you taken all
your clothes off Mrs Lucas'. I said 'I thought you might want to do an
internal'. He said 'No- I don't put your clothes back on please'. I said 'I
wore me best matching undies so I did'. He raised one eyebrow and said
'Matching what?'- I said 'Well me knickers match me eyes and me bra matches me handbag'.
Anyways he says 'ye haves fryupmejelly'. I said 'I know- I
just told ye that you deaf fecker'. He told me that mostly its psycho whatsit.
And all I need is acrobatics and sleep. No more cake and no more Elvis late at
night in bed. He fair upset me with that comment to be honest. I shan't go again.
Even if he hasn't invited me. I still shan't go again! Waste of everybody's
time. I could have stayed in bed for an hour more. Going for a jog now! (If
mines Mr Husband gets me mobility walker out the car for me!)
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