Recycling, Nunny balancing and Wasp Nests!

 Been wondering where I been at for two weeks- being adventerous and what not as usual. Here's the latest round up for me fans. I did lose a follower in the week. Bit careless but I think it was the spy from the Russian BFG so all is good!

Friday: We are having new recycling thingy here. We will be allowed to recycle cardboard at last. We have nice big bags issued. Its says put your address on it- gives you a space even. Then it says wash and squash. Mines Mr Husband says 'are you putting the address on it'. 'Too feckin right' I says. I know what they are like round here. I will be conscientious (ooo-er looking me using big words), and I will be washing and squashing and squashing and washing and thems dirty fecker round yer won't be washing and squashing. Then when thems bags are all dirty and stinky they will be swapping for mine- washed and squashed, squashed and washed'. He thinks it won't happen but I remind him of Wheelie Bin Gate- Our bin was stolen from under his nose! Thats why we take it turns of a night to sit outside and guard the new bin! I don't want the same scenario with my new conscientiously (oooo-er twice now) washed and squashed bag! No siree!!

Sunday: I been up the Tesco today already. All the neighbours still sleeping. 'Why, Beth, on a Saturday, on Beths naked, dancing and sing-a-long with Elvis day are ye at Tescos?' I hear ye all ask. Well tis true I gives it a wide berth on a Saturday. Tis usually too peoply but Mr Husband needs food for his shift. He is actually covering this month for Fat Slimy Git who steals other peoples promotions! He is holidaying in Africa. I hope he gets too close to something hungry. A hippo or something. And talk about rubbing salt and pepper and vinegar and tomato sauce into the wound!! Mr Husband will do it though cos he does as he is told. Mostly. Anyways they don't expect me on a Saturday up there. I am glad I went now. They was playing 'Wrecking Ball'. And you know what that means guys. It means strip off and grab the nearest space hopper. So I did. I had soooo much fun. I got off with a caution! Not off  the space hopper- off the public disorder fence. I caught them right off guard this time. Then, my friend from the Toy Cupboard Kathy was operating at the checkout. She said 'I am not your friend Kathy- stop grabbing me and kissing me- my name is Trudi'. She pointed to her badge. To be fair it did say Trudi but that can be anybodys badge. Namely Trudi's.  I worked in morrisons. I used to borrow Bens badge. You just gotta have a badge on. So I think Kathy just borrowed Trudi's badge to throw me off the scent. Then she tried to throw me off the scent by talking to me about her ironing. I thought- 'hmmm- this don't sound like Kathy'. Then she said she hated ironing. That just convinced me it was Kathy. She told me her husband goes to work naked. Well what she said was he didn't wear shirts. So I think he goes naked. She also said she need  her chair higher cos she is short ass. Then I knew for definite it was Kathy. I still hugged her before Mr Husband dragged me out the shop. I am not allowed to go to her checkout again. Insert sad face here.

 

 Monday:So Gwyneth Paltrow is into putting rocks in her noo noo to balance her chakras and help her meditate. In my book this is no no. With my bulldog grip this means sudden release I have killed half a dozen passers-by, four cats and a budgie. And knocked a policemans hat off. Also messes with your Ying and Yang someat chronic.The other latest craze I hear is to insert a wasps nests into your noo noo (although it does burn for a while apparently) to tighten it up. Well the very thoughts of it makes me do that. Please don't try it home. No- do it in the open air in the country side where no one can hear you scream!!! I am no Doctor Christian but what I say is Pelvic floor exercises all the way ladies- as per my advertisement on 'This Morning' show. SAY NO TO ROCKS AND WASPS NESTS!!!

Saturday: Mines Mr Husband and I been discussing our wills and stuff. We do from time to time. A little review because we are happy to talk about death and stuff. We are also sensible. I also get anxious about being left alone and no way of surviving. Anyways turns out he is worth more dead than alive. Tis true. On an entirely un-related subjected how many ways are there to dispose of a corpse?

 TUESDAY: Me, Bob and Elvis been for a little adventure on our own. We found the garden centre. I was so excited to have actually found it I nearly drove right out again. Also nearly peed my pants with excitement. But having no spare ones with me decided against it. However, coming home Bob got me and Elvis lost and we went goodness knows where and to be honest I thought Bobs driving was a bit erratic and left a bit to be desired. He even clipped the kerb coming out of the garden centre and nearly tipped us up. Good job we didn't go topless. He has now parked very wonky on the drive. I think thats enough excitement for one day!! Poor old Elvis is all shook up!

Wednesday: WD40 was cheap in Tesco for a massive tin. So I said to mines Mr Husband 'buy one, tis good fer yer nuts when they go rusty'. So he bought one. At the checkout the good looking young man who was checkout operating my shopping looked at it. I said 'tis good value and tis good for yer rusty nuts'. He said he didn't have rusty nuts. I said 'Let me check'. That was all I said - well and I did get behind the conveyer with him. And I may have been a bit too much hands on. Anyways thats me not allowed in Tesco again!

Mines Mr Husband said to me 'Why have you got this big pack of sausages out my little pickle'. He can be a nosy fecker. 'Cos I am doing Cock o van for tea'. He said 'what, with sausages?'. I said 'Duh- Cock- tis the nearest thing I can find that's similar'. Honestly no imagination when cooking that man. (Especially since I banned Worcester Sauce- read the booky peoples).

Oh I did panick this morning when I looked in the mirror -'OMFG'- I cried in distress- 'My face is swollen over night'. Mines Mr Husband comes running. 'No, pickle' he said- 'You have the magnify mirror there- turn it over'. Phew! Thank feck for that. I thought someone had pumped me up whilst I had been asleep.

Tursday: When we was in Cornwall mines Mr Husband said 'Look a shop just selling Ice cream. Would you like one?' I never pass the opportunity by to have one. No not me. Or an Ice cream. He said 'look, 31 flavours fresh from Marshfield Farm' it says. 'Which one do you like'. Well I says 'Not, the freshly made Hay, or the Cow Pat or the Pig Swill'.  I settled for Black Cherry. Who knew Black Cherry was a farm flavour?

We went on the Ferry when we was in Cornwall- to get from one side to other. I said to Mines Mr Husband 'Wasn't I a good girl? I wasn't sick, or panicky and I didn't pee me pants'- he said 'Well to be fair there wasn't time, we was only on two minutes. It's called Roll on, Roll off'. I told him -hmmm- I have had men like that. I didn't know it applied to ferrys as well. You lives and learns so you do.

Time for a Beths hot top tit. If ye are menopausal (I am don't ya know)- or a hot man even, I can highly recommend a convertible (Car that is not man- although given the right one..............). Top off,  bombing along the motorway at high speed (no more than 70 of course- what kinda law breaker do ya think I am?) and having a sing- along with Elvis. Can't beat it for cooling yer hot bits down!

Blowing, Sucking and Booby Jiggling

I been up the hospital for me tests and me photos. As soon as I got there I took mines clothes off. Mines Mr Husband said ' Put your clothes back on'. I said 'No- cos I am at the hospital and I have to take mines clothes off because the Dr wants to see mines chest and take a photograph'. He said 'Not in the car park he don't- and will you please stop draping yourself over the bonnets of cars. Now Cover that Kipper and Keep it warm'. When we got in the hospital he said 'Don't take your clothes off until the Dr asks you to'. Always pissing on my chips that man. I won't take him again there. Then when I was waiting they brought a dead looking person past. I said to the nurse 'Why are you bringing dead persons down here in the photo bit?' and she said 'She is not dead'. I poked her to make sure. She didn't move. So I tickled her toes. She didn't move. 'She looks a bit waxy to me -' I said to the nurse 'and she ain't be moving are you sure she ain't dead? -'. I put my hand over mouth to see if she was breathing. I seen that on the Telly to tell if someone is not dead yet. Then the bitch bit me. Not the nurse- the dead woman on the bed. Well she didn't bite. She didn't have teeth. But she did give me nasty suck. I said to the nurse 'you are right- she ain't dead -yet!' Then it was my turn to see the photograph woman and finally I was allowed to take my top off and stand in front of the machine. She said 'stop jiggling the boobs please'. I said 'I am not- it always happens when I take the over shoulder boulder holder off- they go in different directions like two wild jellies- here there and everywhere. Out of control'. Anyway when they eventually settled by me knees she took photographs. Then she sent me to the nurse to do me heavy breathing. I am good at that. I had to blow into a machine and don't stop. Just like when you have too much Baileys. She kept saying 'Blow- Don't suck'. I said 'I have always had trouble mixing up my blowing and sucking me dear- stick with it and don't give me a party popper or we will have trouble'. (Read the booky peoples, read the booky'). On the way out I asked the old man in the wheel chair if he want me to strip off to cheer him up. He said yes. So I did. He had a stroke. I have been asked not to attend again for safety of other patients. How Rude- What if I am ill?

Frolic in the bluebells

AT BETHS THIS WEEK

 Tuesday: Bob and me are off for a topless adventure this morning. Well depends on how warm it is. If it's not very warm Bob won't take his top off but I will. When I say adventure we are going to the Doctors. We like to go a couple of hours earlier for parking. Its very difficult to navigate Bob past the blood pressure thingymajig and the fish tank in the waiting room. I don't take no notice of that traffic warden woman at the desk- cleverly disguised as a receptionist. We also like to be early to make new friends. Other peoples waiting to see the Dr. I like to find out what ails them. See if they really need a Doctor or whether they just need to see the pharmacist. Or the hospital. Or the coroner. I like to think of myself as volunteer triage. All doctors surgeries need a patient like me- likes to help out. Could save the NHS thousands so we could. So I tell ye all this again- Be good and if ye can't be good- don't get caught!

Monday: Today was a lovely day- until Mines Mr Husband pissed on my chips. He said of a beautiful size 22 top I picked up 'that would be too tight on you babe I am afraid'. Afraid- be very afraid - the ultimate insult. The day got better after that- when I went to the harbour and found a nice man with a boat and a breeze block. Now I am filling out insurance forms. And here's a little message to the foreign bint for whom I wasn't walking fast enough for because you had to get to TKMAX before everyone else (Yes you with the thigh gap the width of the severn bridge and the slack Alice)- Don't push disabled people because they cannot walk fast enough- it's bad manners. I don't walk fast because I can't- Every inch of my body is pain every minute of the day and my hips and spine are arthritic. You spiteful wench. I hope your next shit is a hedgehog and I hope a thousand camel toes invade your armpits. You may behave like that in Manilla but we don't here in the UK. On the plus side Bob performed very well- so far so good- may keep him. Bob, Elvis and Beth could be coming to a town near you!!

Time for a Beths top tit. If you watch your tv programmes all through the day on the plus one channel you have gained an extra a hour because by the end of the day you would have forgotten your on the plus one channel.

Wednesday: Mines Mr Husband is taking me for a frolic in the blue bells. Bob is coming. We are having a threesome in the bluebells. Just hope there ain't no dog shit.

Thursday AM: Well we went to frolic in a capret of blue bells- only it was so much a carpet more of a rug- well a door mat. They are very sparse in our woods. And it wasn't so much of a frolic as a bit of hand holding- and I did sit on a log. Then Mines Mr Husband joined me. Mines Mr Husband kept saying 'Please keep your clothes on- someone might be watching you and you may get splinters in your Lulu. I said to him 'Well there be no point in getting naked in the woods if no one is watching- tis boring'. Tis true at that time of night tis mostly squirrels who do give you some funny looks when you gets naked. I said to mines Mr Husband 'getting naked in the woods ain't for everyone- especially men and especially with so many squirrels about- they be collecting nuts wholesale'. Mines Mr Husband said he would keep his hand on his because he didn't want to be digging them back up. I did see also a couple of bears in the wood- well I seen where they shitted. Behind the trees cos thats be where they go. Mines muvver told me that and she don't lie. Also I am sure I seen some crocodiles. Mines Mr Husband said 'we don't have crocodiles in the woods, especially in England'. I don't know how he knows this for sure. I am sure he tells me this so I won't get better photographs than him. I have planned to go to the woods by myself one day and see if I can get these photos and bring back the proof. Yes- then I shall piss on his apple pie and see how he likes it.

 Thursday : So my son rings me tonight and tells me my new car, Bob, is what is formally or even informally known as a 'hairdressers car'. That's ok by me. I was thinking of offering fringe mutilation. I mean trimming. Yes, trimming that's what I mean. Now who's first? Form an orderly queue and no fighting or bum pinching.

 Sunday: I had a message from a Bailey Carter last night to tell me I am an imbecile. It's a false profile by the seems of things but it made me laff. You imbecile it said. Anyways Bailey Carter, if you are reading this, whoever you are I just want you to know this: when people piss me off I usually put their name on a bit of paper in me knife drawer. However lately I realised there was more names in the drawer than knives. So what I did I threaded a bit of string through all said bits of paper and hung them in the lav. Every time I go I pick one to wipe me arse on. Yours is on the top. You're welcome!

 Friday: I complained to mines Mr Husband 'I never win the Euro Millions'- and true to form he pissed on me apple crumble right there and then and he said 'That's because you never buy a ticket'. So this is how he is - always nit picking over small details.

Been to see the Dr again. She had a spare appointment and I thought 'why not'. Stupid traffic warden (cunningly disguised as a receptionist) made a fuss about Bob being parked next to her table. I took no notice. Bob has to be kept in the warm and dry. I asked the Dr to take a look at my chest. She did. I didn't do the jiggly booby thingy. She doesn't like it. Anyways she spun me round three times so fast and pointed me in the direction of the hospital I felt sick. Me eyes were pointing in different directions and me eyebrows had swapped places. Also me knees are sore from mines boobies hitting them as we twirled round. The upshot is she says I have to go hospital on Monday for some tests (maybe I can jiggle my boobies them there! I do have to have a picture of them taken- this not for the first time but not usually by the hospital) and then she said 'Just keep being yourself Elisabeth'. (only she said Elisabeth with a 'Z' cos that's how she spells it). What kind of advice is that I ask thee? Who the fecking else can I be if not myself? And is it meant to be a cure? Curious indeedy that Dr.

Enjoy the weekend me ol babbers and I will catch thee soon.

Strawberries, Champagne and HRT

Mines Mr Husband says to me 'I want to cover you in champagne and strawberries and eat them off you'. Ooooer. He can be so rude sometimes. I was lost for words for a few moments whilst I thought about it. 'Could ye not use Baileys instead?' I asked. He said 'Now look here this is my fantasy not yours'. Oooer. Then he said 'What would you like to cover me in?' So six foot of soil is not the right answer. I know that now! Blame the doctor- tis her fault. Tis ever since she mentioned HRT for me menopause. If ye are wondering what HRT is- tis Husband Replace Therapy. Tis true. Anyways we off to Tesco now for Champagne. We have Strawberries. Well they are tinned but still they are strawberries.

Menopause, Mugwump and Gorilla Glue

A week with news of a shortage of hummus and wonky asparagus. What the feck is this world coming to!

Since I applied Gorilla Glue to Mines Mr Husbands crack I haven't heard as much as a squeak from him- until now that is. 'Face down, naked, on the bed'- I ordered. He didn't need telling twice thinking he was going to get a nice massage. 'Think of nice things like sandy beaches (cos pebbles beaches are pointless to be feckin honest), calm blue waters, lapping waves, lesbians covered in chocolate'- I tells him. He starts fidgeting. 'Ok- forget the chocolate' I says. Within a couple of minutes new Gorilla Applied. 'That it?' he asks- 'a tickle of me bum?'. 'I have fitted a new silencer to yer backend'. I tells him. Was he grateful. Was he feck. No pleasing that man.

The menopause is getting the better of me. Today alone ; I have been in raptures over a leaflet from the council outlining our new recycling regime. Muchly excited at that I can tell ye ; cried at the Jeremy Kyle show and I was only switching it over (to be fair I did the same yesterday-just after I snapped me hair brush in half- and she was a lovely woman- even had teeth); told the boy in the post office I was not paying £3.70 to send a small package first class and ordered him to get the packet through his little doofer measurer especially when I could see he wasn't trying. He wanted to cry I could tell. I bet he will go home and have a break down- he was on the verge; became very assertive and told the man up the garage to pull his finger out and get me new car sorted. I am thinking I will have to go and sit on his head until he complies. (Could be his lucky day depending on whether or not its my naked day or not) ; also laughed out loud til I peed me pants at Boris calling manky wanky Corbyn a Mutton headed Mugwump; and confused the Amazon delivery man so much that when he asked what number I was I asked him why he needed to know how old I was. I'm on a roll today.

ME AND THE AMAZON MAN

Waited in all day for the Amazon Logistics Man to deliver me new Vera DVD. When the door bell finally went I was half asleep. He held the biggest parcel and asked me if I could take it in for her two doors down.

Me: Ok.

Him: Thanks- I will put a card through to tell her. What's your first name?

Me: Lucas

Him: Lucas? Is that your first name?

Me: No-

Him: You said it was

Me: I know. I don't know why I said that. Its Elizabeth

Him; Oh- Well I will just call you Liz

Me: Oh- well call me what you like it- see if I care

Him: Laughing out loud ' Call you what you like- ok'.

Me: Look, you disturbed me and I was half asleep and I was expecting my parcel. Where is my parcel? Its only a small one.

Him;' Ok, I will look for it in a minute. What number are you?'

Me: '53- Why do you need my age?'

Him: 'No- your house number'

Me: 'Oh- erm I don't know'- turning round looking for the number on the door.

Him; Oh 21.

Me: Yeah- that sounds right. Have you got my parcel. You should have a little one for me.

Him: I will go and look for it and I may be back.

Me: You better mate- I am not here just to take in everybody else's parcels you know.

Two minutes later, I kid ye not- he moves the van a couple of yards to park outside my house!!! Finally gets my parcel and I shouts out 'see I told you you had a little one for me'.

He went off laughing. Now he thinks I am mad I am sure and I am just menopausal.

Truffle Ass, Big Knickers and Biscuits

Little whiles since I updated but we have had family drama and it is true drama needs an audience. Sometimes the players pull you in and suddenly you realise- not your circus and not your monkeys. Its fair to say I have pissed some people off this month by opening my gob and letting the truth out- which apparently hurts. So I have rested from social media and the family and I am recharging the atoms.  So what have ye all missed then?

I don't know- I feel weird about the world also at the moment- you got the truffle assed orange head oompah loompah man toddler who is running America and the little cock waffle with a funny hair cut from N Korea dancing about each other like to two kids with their fists up in a playground spoiling for a fisty cuffs- only a million times more dangerous. You got the other fuck nugget with another funny hair cut from China trying to bang their heads together and the other ass wipes from the other countries over there waiting to shout 'fight- everybody- quick its a fight'. I am here wondering what the difference is between cod liver oil and caster oil and whether I should stop worrying about that and run down the street naked shouting 'Jesus wants for me a sunbeam'- or to hold Mines Mr Husbands hand, sing Kumbyah and then put me head between me legs and kiss me arse goodbye. Decisions, decisions. In the meantime I think it is good  nip to Tesco and top up the malteser supply. May as well go naked. Nothing to lose now.

The Easter bunny came in our house. That's it. He be a dirty fecker.

Also a new car, called Bob, came to live with me. We are going for topless adventures with Elvis, but at the moment it is in the garage having a couple of little jobs doing. I like going to the garage. Tis next to a gym and there is always hunky men working out outside. Sometimes I lift my top and jiggles mines boobies. Tis true there has been one or two groin strains but they should be keeping thems on minds on what they are doing. Also Mines Mr Husband has been pissing on my chips and he wouldn't let me bring Bob in and park him on the rug. Bob is lovely and needs parking on the rug. I just can't understand why that man won't let me bring Bob in.

Also I had new knickers. Mines Mr Husband treated me - however they are big girl pants for tough days. In fact they are so big they comes to and covers me chins. Bridget Jones got a lot to answer for so she has. Also got me a big roll of polythene. I am ready for a chemical attack almost. Just need to get some gaffer tape and I am ready.

 There was much excitement one night here as I was awaiting delivery of a new gravy separator the next day. One more sleep. Yep I know how to live the life here. It will be more exciting for the delivery driver though cos I may just lift me top. If he gets here early I may not even be dressed. It can go one of two ways- he can be really thrilled or he could be really distressed. Who knows? Just rang Mines Mr Husband and told him it was good time to make a baby and he best get home pronto. He said 'there is a never a good time fruitcake- you haven't got a womb'. Tis true. I said 'no- this is true but I do have a cornflake pack and some sticky back plastic'. He says he would love to help but he got a ladder that needs his going up and down! I tried!

Oh yes and I am going to be a great aunty. I will the crazy one but without smelling of rich tea biscuits and cats wee.

I did an online test that told me I was a red wood tree in a former life. I lived 200 years. And now I suppose I am actually a wardrobe and a chest of drawers.

Also I wonder how many women wake their husbands in the middle of the night for a cuppa tea? I used to send my ex husband down to make tea frequently. He never argued- he just did it. Now Mines Current Mr Husband- different kettle of fish. Not that I have ever even dared to wake him and send him for tea. He isn't fond of being woken in the night- I gathered that long ago. Anyways I have asked him what would be an acceptable to reason to waken him in the night and it transpires tis these things:

Life or death (house on fire etc)

If I am very ill and may need medical treatment

If there is an intruder- although an intruder would probably have me to fear first

If there is a cow on the roof.

Do you see tea on that list? Do you see just for a chat because I am awake and bored? Do you see 'I have run out of maltesers, this is an emergency' ?

Nope. I think the list is clear enough. Always pissing on me chips that man.

 I put the new DVD - Yoga for over 50's. (apparently not to do it if you are in poor health or pregnant). After just ten minutes I had to turn it off. Mines Mr Husband asked 'why, fruitcake turning off the Yoga so soon'.  'Well', I tells him, quite breathless at that, 'I am fecking exhausted and aching'. He looked at me puzzled. 'But', he says, 'You were only watching it- you weren't actually doing it'. Typical of him to split hairs. 'Well', I tells him, 'that proves tis no good for ye'. Think I may put that in the never watch again pile.

Hoseasons are offering holidays with unexpected touches. I like unexpected touches- particularly if they are from hunks.

Mines Mr Husband asked me to trim me bush so that he could drive his car up the drive. He said 'yer bush needs trimming- tis hanging all over the sides How am I expect to put me car in garage'. I had to get him to help- I just couldn't get down that low. Looks better now. However, we left the top long- now if the electric man wants to come he is going to have to root around in my bush to find me cubby hole.

Pains in my chest and I say to Mines Mr Husband 'I think I got a heart thing going on'. He said 'Ye needs some spray for under ye tongue'- he handed me some spray. He is very efficient like that. I sprayed it. Bleach is feckin horrid under yer tongue.

Have a cake- have a kit kat. My new mantra. May stand outside slimming world with that one. I already give them rewards for losing weight. Well they do need an incentive. One group has already moved and gone underground because 'of that pesky woman outside giving out cakes'. Life is too feckin short not to eat cake.

I also had a new experience yesterday. They say new experiences are good for you. I used a Unisex Loo. Torquay have installed unisex loos! I always said I would never succumb- but needs must when the bladder is full and the next nearest loo is a mile away. Tis very hard to walk that far with yer legs crossed. So I took the bull by the horns and in I went. I am glad I did too- for two reasons- because a) I didn't pee my pants and 2) there were some very hunky guys in there. When I came out mines Mr Husband said 'Were you ok? You were a long time!' I said 'Of course I was ok- after I had a wee I hung around to see if I could help'. He looked puzzled -'help?' he asked. 'What is there to help with?'- I explained 'You know- in case anyone needed "anything" holding'. He sighed and said 'In future when you need a wee you have one at the ladies at the other end of town- and I hope you didn't do booby jiggling and flashing'. I said nothing. He is always pissing on my chips that man!

And that be it me ol babbers- catch ya all laters.................

Oooo-er  - just one more thing -I am loving my horoscope this week - it talks of Deep Erotica, Naughty in tents and Uranus exploration and adventure. Not sure what to do this week...............

Open Letter To a Foolish One.....................

Dear 'Maureen'

From the day you came into my life I knew you were never going to be an ordinary addition to the family even though I was only two. It is true your decision to move about as you grew worried me- perhaps I had a sixth sense! I knew you would be trouble as soon as you started moving. We had a close relationship though and we played together a lot. It was you and I always. Playing grown ups. Playing the piano in the window sill. Making a den in the built in cupboard in the bedroom. Me being messy and you tidying up. Comforting each other when we thought there were Monsters and Men under the bed.

You were always the life and soul of the party- loud and laughing. Kind and generous to a fault. Give anyone the last the thing you had. These qualities you still own. However, you loved to hog the limelight- you like attention and by Jove you got it- it didn't matter how you did it- acting the fool until you got shouted out, starting a fight, crying continually until mother had to cover her poor ears. Ripping her hair out. But it was all attention. And you lapped it up. I never cared for it myself. I like my own world cos they know me there.

Even as more additions joined the family you were determined to keep your place. We certainly knew we had you. Your personality developed over time. As well as wanting to be centre of attention you were a strong, wilful but fun character. You liked to be argumentative. You liked to have the last word ALWAYS. Your defiance was strong to the point you would stare mother out whilst carrying out a defiant act.

You never believed that curiosity killed the cat- you could never let anything lay. You had to know what was going on and who was saying what. You wanted fairness. Everything had to be fair. Not necessarily so that everyone had the same- but just so that no-one had anything more than you. Not even one crumb. Yes, they could have less but certainly not more. Even a kiss at xmas for me resulted in a lifetime of misery for you. Misery you caused by your own unfounded jealousy because you thought I had another present. I won't bother to tell you yet again I didn't because you will never believe it not as long as you got an hole in your jacksy. You always argue you are not jealous. But the constant need for fairness is born from the green eyed monster. No- don't argue - it is. No- No I said No- No last word is mine this time.

You were friendly to everyone but could be spiteful in equal measure. I know you will hate me saying that but it is true. Being the sociable creature you are you had many friends and enemies, again in equal measure. You were not afraid to make friends. You were not even afraid to speak to the strangest of strangers despite how hard mother worked to impress upon you that some strangers could be dangerous. We didn't realise that this would continue throughout your lifetime. Your attraction to strange and dangerous. And often men. You were never afraid to approach them.

You never had it easy at school- we all understand that yet there many occasions when you were the one who started fights and then expected me to take up the gauntlet and run with it to get you out of a sticky mess. But more often than not, me being much more timid ended with the bruises and bloody noses because you had kindly volunteered me to fight your battles with your enemies bigger siblings after school. You caused such a huge problem on one occasion that we even ended moving house which resulted in years of misery for the entire family. All because you couldn't help yourself.  Just couldn't keep it buttoned.

By the time you reached your teenage years we found out you had a problem with your health that required you to wear a body brace up to your chin. We hated seeing you like that. Our parents cried and worried and had far too many sleepless nights and hospital visits - yet again probably in equal measures. We had to protect you then. And we did. Fiercely. You became the subject of much bullying because of it and even accusations of flirting with someone's husband because you were unable to move your head properly. Although it has to be said once you started blossoming as a young woman there was plenty of flirting at that and more than once with boyfriends of mine. It became somewhat a relief when you managed to bag a husband of your own.

You settled down out of our town with him and had your family but we seen each other weekly mostly. Our child rearing methods were somewhat different and my children were mostly easy to care for and well behaved. On more than one occasion you told me how unfair it was that my kids were so good and how lucky I had been. Well that was not luck- that was hard work I will tell you. Yes - that's the secret. Hard work, discipline, routine and knowing that whatever they were given was worked hard for and they had to appreciate it and look after it. I am proud of my children and the way I raised them. You always said thought it wasn't fair.

You gave your kids free reign. Your choice. We are all different. I respect that. However this free reign was a problem especially when visiting other people then you complained when they got told off. It wasn't fair was it? Other people expecting your children and your husband to behave in their homes. Damn cheek of it. You complained that your children weren't as loved as mine. That wasn't fair either was it? It was just that I lived closer to the family, we did have more to do with each other. But you chose to move away. You chose to keep your family at arms length. You chose to be more social where you lived. You kept busy. You made friends and enemies. You had fun days out and fights with your friends. You had to be the centre of everything going on and if people didn't like it or invite you, you always felt slighted. It was unfair. Your husband let it all go over his head. He had more important things to think about like working hard to quell your inner discontent. Keeping up with the Joneses and the Smiths was hard work if it was going to be fair.

And then there was bound to be a wedding you invited yourselves to and needed new outfits for. We all giggled about it but now we see this it was all apart of this nature of yours- needing to be fair. Curiosity. The need to have everyone all getting along and everyone joining in- especially you.  Jeez we don't want you missing anything. That simply wouldn't do.

Little did we realise that twenty years down the line it would all fall apart most dramatically.

We always all knew you had flirted with danger- namely other men and had a bit of fun. We hoped it ended it there for the sake of your family. But we knew that over time your life had become one long fight and one long misery- bloody people wanting to pick on you all and fight with you all the time. Not your fault was it?  So when someone else showed you a bit of affection (you were always a sucker for a bit of flirting and a bit of attention) and made the point you could have much more fun you had no qualms about taking him up on the offer. Danger, thrill, excitement freedom. It came with a hefty price tag though.

Your own little family thrown into disarray, even the abandonment of a young child- the thrill of a new relationship was worth the risk. Oh and what a risk. Even before you left you realised were with a man who was dangerous. A man who beat women and took drugs. A man who care only for himself and trampled on everyone else. A man who beats to get what he wants. Yet a man who can be so charming (apparently) that he is irresistible. He takes your breath away. He makes your heart beat with a passion like you have never felt before. He makes terrorists look like pussy cats. Thrill. Danger. Excitement. Even being beat is attention.

Over the years with him you provided more distress and more worry for the entire family- as well as your own family still being in distress. Did you care though? Oh yes, of course you did. It was fair. You like fair. Well let me let you into a secret- it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair on them. It wasn't fair on the rest of the family. I have tried to understand what you were going through and tried to apply a voice of reason. Comfort. Sense. Understanding. Patience. Yet you have used every excuse in the book to stay with a man who can only be described as a monster. The details are too horrific for an open letter.

Countless times you have called one or another of the family for help to be freed. The entire family has felt pain, fear, worry, sleepless nights, even marital discontent with partners fed up with the whole sorry saga. In turn we have sat and consoled and comforted two very hurt and distressed parents. Two parents who have gone above and beyond to help you- at YOUR request. Then how do you repay them? How do you repay the rest of us? You tell that Monster that we all forced to you leave. That we all pressured you to leave. That we thrust our kindness upon you. We opened our homes and hearts and forced you to partake. Such utter BULLSHIT. Your constant pleading caused us to get involved and get you free. Then what did you do?? You ran straight into the arms of another Monster causing even more pain and worry for everyone. You told him the same lies as you told the rest of us. You caused more rows and more fights. You played him off against neighbours and us. Yet again, we picked you up, dusted you off and sorted you out. The pain you have caused to our parents alone is shameful. And even lies to your loyal best friend because you don't trust her. I wouldn't want to be your best friend.

Finally when everyone thought you got what you wanted, your own place, your own space with all our help you turn round and go straight back to Monster number one!! I cannot even begin to tell you the pain you have caused. Not to me though. I am disappointed. I knew all along. You knew I knew too! You had every intention of going back ever since someone told you the best thing to do was have your own place and still keep a relationship going with the monster because it was better. You have both missed the point of  'getting free' from domestic violence. We have all spent the last ten years walking on egg shells. Laying awake worrying all night. Mother and Fathers health have deteriorated greatly just with the worry of it. YOU ARE KILLING THEM! Does that make you happy?  I saw the pain in fathers eyes this week- I heard the pain in your daughters voice - I heard of the tears shed by one brother and the sheer frustrated righteous anger of another to name a few.. How could you? Well I will tell how you can.

You are deceitful. You are cold. You are calculating and manipulative. You only care about YOU. You only care about thrill, danger and excitement and fair. You have made your bed now- you lie on it. Don't call us- any of us. The next time you are laid beaten and bleeding and raped and unconscious, or locked in box for hours on end festering in your own bodily fluids- you deal with it! We are all washed up. ALL WASHED UP.  You can't have the penny and the bun. You cannot create a storm and then not expect it to rain.

 And by the way does Monster number one know about Monster number two- or that last week when you were here you were looking for Monster number two behind Monster number ones back?  I wonder............................

Got the point? Was it fair? Doubt it.

It needles you now, even stuff that happened twenty, thirty, forty and more years ago. Stuff you never felt was fair. Stuff you didn't have control over. Things you wanted to know the ins and outs of. The cats arse and such like. You cannot rest until you know. And that is how I know you will eventually unblock us and read this. So I know you are wondering if we are all talking about you behind your back. I know that will bother you more than any beating you could have. Let me put your mind at rest. We did. We talked. We cried. We comforted each other and our parents. Then we resolved to not let you take up any more room in our heads. So this letter is it. It's how we feel! You are no longer taking up thought space. We are getting on with our lives now. Hope you will be happy in yours now. With the monster. Without any of us. Without your kids and grand kids. Hope you are have achieved what you wanted! And I hope the Monsters in the bed are worth it.

Your  Frustrated Sister 'Christine'.

Autopsy, Pickled onions and Furry balls

I wonder if ye are all wondering what my book is like? Well are ye? Perhaps ye needs a little taster of it to see if ye thinks ye might likes to buy it. So yer tis-

......... Today they did an auto topsy thingy on my body. I watched because I am nosy. I wondered what I was like inside. I am shocked to be honest. My blood isn't blue after all. Well who knew. I guess this means I am not related to the queen after all. Mines Muvver always swore blind we was. When she used to get the best china out she would say 'See what it says on the bottom, ''Royal Albert''. That's our Albert is that'. She swore blind we had 'Royal Albert' printed on all our bottoms. Sadly I was too cake shaped to see mine.

All me other bits looked to be in quite good order. All functioning perfectly well. Well apart from the fact I am deaded. If it weren't for that they would be functioning perfectly well. Me heart was well not beating, but sort of heart shaped. The other bits looked like they was laid out on a plate for a fry up. But all very healthy. Deaded but healthy. Although there was quite a lot of string around me soppygus. Don't know how that got there.

The woman from Silent Witness was surprised that my stomach was like a treasure trove of stuff. Bits of paper (I sometimes was a bit impatient unwrapping sweets and also there was me secrets I had to eat so the KFC and the MFI didn't find out what I wrote); they found a half a plastic spoon- I wondered where that went; a small battery from me watch (I had only meant to hold it momentarily in me mouth and then the cat farted and killed the budgie with a ball bearing he had off the xmas cake last year - made me jump it so it did), half a dozen sixpences or so from xmas puddings over the years, three mouldy pickled onions (yum- I love pickled onions and marmite), a bit of tinsel from that party trick I did three Christmas's ago and finally they found a fur ball with bits of glitter. No idea how that got there!! I never knew anyone with furry balls, let alone furry glittery balls. It would explain why when I farted I emitted little puffs of glitter..............

 WANTS TO READ MORE?
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Top TIts, Dead Pheasants and Quality Sausage

Tis that time of the week again- ok, so I know I missed one or two- I am menopausal don't you know? I can't be expected to remember everything. So this is how went this last couple of weeks.

We had a lovely day at Doodle Dwarf last week. I just couldn't understand why Mines Mr Husband kept asking stupid questions all day. Like a feckin annoying toddler.

 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'. I said 'I don't feckin know- ye are the one driving!'

Then all day long pointless questions!

'Why do you keep telling people you are menopausal?' (Well because they don't know by looking at me)

'Why do you keep stripping off and telling everyone you have new knickers at home?' (Because I am menopausal and a little bit rude - and who doesn't like to hear about new knickers?)

'Why is there a dead pheasant in the boot?' (This he claims was no good as it would be covered in exhaust fumes from the roadside from where I retrieved it- to feckin fussy he is- it was lovely and fresh-ish)

'Why is there a half bottle of disgusting smelling lemonade in the boot?' (Another brilliant find of mine on the roadside near the pheasant- and I thought it was wine!)

'Why did you steal two flower pots with little fir trees in from outside that womans front door' (I didn't steal them- I thought she left them at the road side for the taking).

'Why do we have 14 different hub cabs in the boot and half a tyre?' ( More brilliant gifts found at the roadside for Mines Mr Husband- who was proving to be a tad ungrateful yesterday as it happens).

'Why is there a comatose iguana in the foot well?' (He fell outta tree and nearly killed I and I couldn't reach to put him back. Tis well known they do this in Winter)

'Why do you have a half a mars bar in each of your shoes'. (Really! I think thats a bit impertinent- not his business I would argue!)

Anyways I did lots of walking just like Dr Angry Hard Jones told me to do- no prescription for Easter Gin or Baileys - just exercise because she told me I was a beast. She is getting cheeky that woman!

FRIDAY: We had a busy day this day. We went to Homebase. After we spent much time extolling the virtues of Gorilla Glue with the young lady behind the till, and giving her lessons in why she should look out for comatose iguanas falling out of trees on these sunny days we left her (looking a tad confused if I may say so) and headed over to Morrisons. I am not allowed in tesco anymore not since getting naked and getting stuck to the freezer by me nipples. Reminding them that I am 'Menopausal don't you know' and allowed by law to strip off and climb in the freezer cut no ice with them I tell ye. Morrisons seem a little bit liberal probably owing to the fact that 1) I used to be an exemplary employee (mostly) and B) they have so few customers they are just glad for anyone to visit. Mines Mr Husband dragged me past all of the cakes so I wouldn't get cream on me nipples. Then after that he suggested a muffin (which I declined owing to the fact I am on a diet) he took me up the muff. We went to get some seeds for breakfast (yes guys this is what we have become reduced into this house-  breakfast is stuff that looks like it has come out of the bottom of budgie cage and seed) and we talked to the man in there about iguanas and the generation  of miniature terrorists we have now in charge. (Note: he doesn't chase shoplifters- being menopausal not needed as an excuse). Then we had fish and chips on the seafront. I was very rebellious today and didn't buy a parking ticket- ssshhhh- and I fed a seagull with the batter off me fish. Then on the way home Mines Mr Husband, driving my pea, charged at his ol friend Nick on the road. Enough to cause wet pants was that. His not mine. I had me legs crossed. Soon I am going to get in the bath. I may even take my clothes off again. And put water in. Thats the mood I am in today. And not a crumb of cake in sight.

THURSDAY: Oooo-er missus it's blowing round your goolies this morning. Storm Doris is upon us. I am laid here in nothing but me nuddy pants and orgasm socks letting Doris give me a lashing. Who knew the menopause could be this much fun. Although this grass is a bit damp if I must say so myself and the neighbours are all gawping. Or they could be looking for their wheelie bins. I know where mine is. I been on Wheelie Bin duty all night. Can't trust thems feckers round here. If ye are going out today don't forget ye umbrella. My hot top tit is though don't use it. Tis too draughty.

TUESDAY: More people are killed by Sausages each year than by terrorists. Fact. (Not even an alternative fact- that's un- alternative fact). More Americans are killed by gun wielding toddlers than by terrorists. Fact. (Not even an alternative fact- that's un- alternative fact). I think I would rather take me chance with the sausage. As long its a good quality sausage. What I say is if ye are going to have a sausage makes sure it be a good quality sausage. I think the menopause is responsible for my randomness.

MONDAY: I am joining the gym today. Well when I say joining I am going to look through the window at the hot sweaty hunks. I developed this habit when I went to Exmuff and realised there was a gym right there with huge windows to the floor. Ye can sit on the seats along the estuary with yer chips watching the hot hunks working out. Brings ye out in hot flushes so it does. Mines Mr Husband watches the birds.

And finally time for a Beths hot top tit: If ye are cold and shivering and suffering from the winter cold locate a menopausal woman and go and sit with her all day. I promise ye will be warms as toasties. Failing that give thee self a blow job with yer hairdresser. I mean Hairdryer- hairdryer thats what I means..............

Sex In Tents, Tight Holes and Alternative Facts.

Tis been another busy week at Beths- a bit of this and a bit of that. Something to take ye mind off the turmoils of the world.


MONDAY: I missed sex intents last week but according to my stars I am getting a second chance at sex intents this week and their is a square in your anus and also I am going to invest with someone in a financial thing and I am going to get engaged and he will find joy in my happy place. I knew it- I feckin knew- Johnny Depp is on the way...........

TUESDAY: If ye don't farts ye internally combusts. So go on- ye knows he wants to- Let It Go.....even if ye are on the tube or on a bus or in a queue. Brought to you by Beths top tits and alternative facts!

WEDNESDAY: I was off out this morning me ol babbers. I had a bit of a doodah with a knob last night and it came right off in me hand. I can't understand it- I am usually very good with knobs. Still at least it wasn't the landlords this time. I pulled that off when I moved in and that was when we had to buy gorilla glue- and ye all know what I am like with gorilla glue. This knob can't have gorilla glue though so off we go to Argos. And if I am extra lucky Dunelm cos we will be very close.

THURSDAY:  I went going to see Dr Angry Hard Jones this morning. I told ye I got dressed in the dark and ended up with half me naughty Santa outfit on. Well bugger me if when I got to the surgery the receptionist wasn't dressed like a feckin xmas tree. I chatted to her for twenty minutes about me Elf - everything from Piles to Corns and told her me most intimate stuff- Ye knows stuff ye can tell ye mother. Then the Dr called me and asked why I had a half a naughty Santa costume on. I said 'that's rich coming from someone who has a receptionist dressed as a Christmas tree'. She says they don't have a receptionist today- that is the Christmas tree- the caretaker has got round to taking it down yet. I tells her 'I wondered why she didn't kick off when Mines Mr Husband squeezed two of her baubles'. (Also the woman in the post office asked I had left the reindeer outside. What's all that about!!)

Anyways the good news is that Dr Angry Hard Jones says that tis ok for me to get naked in Tesco and Sainsbury's but probably not Waitrose. It seems having the menopause is a legit reason to strip off. Well she didn't use them exact words- she said something about less clothes. Same thing.

FRIDAY: Mines Mr Husband has been on the first aid doodah thingy at work. Tis a requirement. He has told me what they learned what to do with burns and cuts and fits and what not. He tried to test my extensive knowledge:

Him: What do you if someone has a burn
Me: Put it under water (drowning not really acceptable- depends on who)
Him: What you do if someone is cut thems self?
Me; Put it underwater (see above re: drowning)
Him: What you do if someone is having a fit
Me: Put them underwater (same drowning rules apply)
Him: You can't say put everything in water.
Me: Sounds acceptable to me.
Him: What if someone is having a panic attack?
Me; Find carrier bag and put over head (theirs) then slap them hard
Him: What if someone is choking?
Me: Throw water at them and distract them
Him: I don't suppose you know what to do with anyone having a heart attack then?
Me: Bring towels and water?
Him: That’s when someone is giving birth
Me: How would you know- they are both painful in equal measure
Then I said to him 'Worries me in case you had a heart attack at work and no-one was there at night and you was alone. You could die'
He said 'I could do that alone in that back bedroom on my own'
Me: You are still not sleeping in my room
Him: How would you know if I was having a heart attack
Me: I would find out sooner or later like when I didn't get me cuppa tea the next morning.
Him: What would you do if you found me having a heart attack?
Me: Tell you to cough (I read it on interwebs- alternative fact!)
Him: I don't think that’s legit first aid. What else would you do?
Me: Ring 111 to see what they think
Him: No 999.
Me: Ok. If you think it is serious enough. Then I will put kettle on and make tea and look for insurance policy.
Him: Is that it? Make tea?
Me: Yes and have cake- no point in panicking- we didn't win two world wars by panicking. Anyway I watch 999 what’s your emergency and you are not supposed to do anything to anyone having a heart attack.
Him: Unless their heart has stopped. And then what will you do? Supposing my heart has stopped?
Me: Well not a lot I can do in that case is there. Make a cup of tea, and look for the insurance policy. And cake.
Him: What about 999 and CPR?
Me: What about tea and cake?
Him: No
Me: Water on it? Towels?
He went to bed shaking his head and rolling his eyes. I thought he was having a fit so I slapped him and threw a bottle of water at him. Now he has a lump on his head.

SATURDAY: We had a new sideboard. I watched from a distance. Mines Mr Husband doesn't, on account of being a man (he is I checked- well I sneaked a peak when he was in the shower), doesn't usually do instructions. I was, to be honest, expecting to end up with a sideboard, a coffee table and a flat cap. I mean a cat flap. After much huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning and a flurry of words like 'this hole is too small and this thing is too stiff' and even a 'go away and mind your own business' (to me!! HOW RUDE)- we have a sideboard and coaster. I was a bit disappointed we didn't get a coffee table and if we had of had a cat he would be sorely disappointed we didn't get a cat flap. If any of the neighbours were listening I do hope they realise that a new sideboard was being constructed - I don't want them thinking Christian Grey had come to visit.

And sadly still no sex intents. Maybe next week if the mood hasn't passed.