Polished Uterus, Missing Ovaries and Easter Gin.

I been up the lady hospital today. I was having a few problems so I was.If ye are a man or a bit squeamish ye may want to put yer fingers in yer ears. First Doctor poked around then declared she was perplexed because she couldn't locate the uterus. I said 'If ye read the notes ye would see I don't have one'. 'Oh' she said 'What happened to it?'. I tells her 'I takes it out for polishing on a Sunday, the phone rings, I puts it down and then when I goes to get it what da ya know Mines Mr Husband has feckin tidied up and its never to be seen again'. She said 'That explains the lack of ovaries then'. I said 'Ye gods ye ain't so good at the note reading thing are ye? Read the notes. I kept thems little feckers  for a rainy day'. Ye never knows when ye are going to be needing an ovary. She says ovaries without a uterus just floats around all over the shop. Anyways she still can't find them. I tells 'You need to look in me ears me dear, ye shall surely see them then, that's how Dr Anderson located them a few years back'. Tis true he did. I told him I had the earache and he looked in and asked 'When you had your uterus removed did you keep your ovaries? ' I was up and outta that chair. He could see them I am sure. Anyways this doctor woman kept looking for me ovaries and sure as eggs is eggs (preferably unfertilised because I don't have a uterus)- well she still couldn't find them. So if anyone finds a couple of ovaries floating around- they be mine. Then the Dr had a look- she was of foreign extraction- she said she could see me sister. I said 'oh me giddy goats trousers on toast- I don't have a feckin sister- I am an only child me'. She said 'no- I said you have a cist here'. She declared I have a 'perfect cervix that has never had children'- So I am childless it seems. Has anyone told my kids this? Also she said 'You am now no longer menopausal'- well that was feckin quick I must say- I only started that.  'Look yer', I said 'I was enjoying that and now I have no defence if I strangles anyone. Or shoplifts. Or gets naked in the freezer in Tesco. Or flashes me boobies without as much as thought. Anyways she says 'you haven't got enough easter gin' and she gived me easter gin. I gived it back. I told her I am strictly a Baileys girl. No easter gin in this house!  So all good here ladies. (And gentlemen who are not squeamish).

Top TIts, Dead Pheasants and Quality Sausage

Tis that time of the week again- ok, so I know I missed one or two- I am menopausal don't you know? I can't be expected to remember everything. So this is how went this last couple of weeks.

We had a lovely day at Doodle Dwarf last week. I just couldn't understand why Mines Mr Husband kept asking stupid questions all day. Like a feckin annoying toddler.

 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'. I said 'I don't feckin know- ye are the one driving!'

Then all day long pointless questions!

'Why do you keep telling people you are menopausal?' (Well because they don't know by looking at me)

'Why do you keep stripping off and telling everyone you have new knickers at home?' (Because I am menopausal and a little bit rude - and who doesn't like to hear about new knickers?)

'Why is there a dead pheasant in the boot?' (This he claims was no good as it would be covered in exhaust fumes from the roadside from where I retrieved it- to feckin fussy he is- it was lovely and fresh-ish)

'Why is there a half bottle of disgusting smelling lemonade in the boot?' (Another brilliant find of mine on the roadside near the pheasant- and I thought it was wine!)

'Why did you steal two flower pots with little fir trees in from outside that womans front door' (I didn't steal them- I thought she left them at the road side for the taking).

'Why do we have 14 different hub cabs in the boot and half a tyre?' ( More brilliant gifts found at the roadside for Mines Mr Husband- who was proving to be a tad ungrateful yesterday as it happens).

'Why is there a comatose iguana in the foot well?' (He fell outta tree and nearly killed I and I couldn't reach to put him back. Tis well known they do this in Winter)

'Why do you have a half a mars bar in each of your shoes'. (Really! I think thats a bit impertinent- not his business I would argue!)

Anyways I did lots of walking just like Dr Angry Hard Jones told me to do- no prescription for Easter Gin or Baileys - just exercise because she told me I was a beast. She is getting cheeky that woman!

FRIDAY: We had a busy day this day. We went to Homebase. After we spent much time extolling the virtues of Gorilla Glue with the young lady behind the till, and giving her lessons in why she should look out for comatose iguanas falling out of trees on these sunny days we left her (looking a tad confused if I may say so) and headed over to Morrisons. I am not allowed in tesco anymore not since getting naked and getting stuck to the freezer by me nipples. Reminding them that I am 'Menopausal don't you know' and allowed by law to strip off and climb in the freezer cut no ice with them I tell ye. Morrisons seem a little bit liberal probably owing to the fact that 1) I used to be an exemplary employee (mostly) and B) they have so few customers they are just glad for anyone to visit. Mines Mr Husband dragged me past all of the cakes so I wouldn't get cream on me nipples. Then after that he suggested a muffin (which I declined owing to the fact I am on a diet) he took me up the muff. We went to get some seeds for breakfast (yes guys this is what we have become reduced into this house-  breakfast is stuff that looks like it has come out of the bottom of budgie cage and seed) and we talked to the man in there about iguanas and the generation  of miniature terrorists we have now in charge. (Note: he doesn't chase shoplifters- being menopausal not needed as an excuse). Then we had fish and chips on the seafront. I was very rebellious today and didn't buy a parking ticket- ssshhhh- and I fed a seagull with the batter off me fish. Then on the way home Mines Mr Husband, driving my pea, charged at his ol friend Nick on the road. Enough to cause wet pants was that. His not mine. I had me legs crossed. Soon I am going to get in the bath. I may even take my clothes off again. And put water in. Thats the mood I am in today. And not a crumb of cake in sight.

THURSDAY: Oooo-er missus it's blowing round your goolies this morning. Storm Doris is upon us. I am laid here in nothing but me nuddy pants and orgasm socks letting Doris give me a lashing. Who knew the menopause could be this much fun. Although this grass is a bit damp if I must say so myself and the neighbours are all gawping. Or they could be looking for their wheelie bins. I know where mine is. I been on Wheelie Bin duty all night. Can't trust thems feckers round here. If ye are going out today don't forget ye umbrella. My hot top tit is though don't use it. Tis too draughty.

TUESDAY: More people are killed by Sausages each year than by terrorists. Fact. (Not even an alternative fact- that's un- alternative fact). More Americans are killed by gun wielding toddlers than by terrorists. Fact. (Not even an alternative fact- that's un- alternative fact). I think I would rather take me chance with the sausage. As long its a good quality sausage. What I say is if ye are going to have a sausage makes sure it be a good quality sausage. I think the menopause is responsible for my randomness.

MONDAY: I am joining the gym today. Well when I say joining I am going to look through the window at the hot sweaty hunks. I developed this habit when I went to Exmuff and realised there was a gym right there with huge windows to the floor. Ye can sit on the seats along the estuary with yer chips watching the hot hunks working out. Brings ye out in hot flushes so it does. Mines Mr Husband watches the birds.

And finally time for a Beths hot top tit: If ye are cold and shivering and suffering from the winter cold locate a menopausal woman and go and sit with her all day. I promise ye will be warms as toasties. Failing that give thee self a blow job with yer hairdresser. I mean Hairdryer- hairdryer thats what I means..............

Knickers, Mothers Tits and Baked Beans

Well glad another that's another week behind me. Soon be Christmas. I feckin hate Christmas. Had a shaky start to last week. A bit dark to start with but I got better as the week wore on. It's called kidnap if you take and borrow passing people off the street and tie them up to talk to them and show them photos of your kids. Add me on face book I pleaded then I can show you without you having to sit here. But it was nice to have real people in the house. Anyways they was having none of it. Mines Mr Husband told the policeman-'it's the menopause mate- it makes her lonely and makes her cry a lot'. Cheek of it. 'No, I protested, it's being lonely makes me do it'. I wasn't helping apparently.

I had a good day when MMH told me I was only 51, not 52. Nearly peed me pants with excitement. I was breaking in a new pair that day. TIP OF THE WEEK ; Never have a whole day out whilst breaking in new knickers. You may need to abandon them when they get too tight. Not allowed back in Waitrose now. (I wonder if they have been found yet. I hid them behind them behind the baked beans).

I got me new Lady Magnet. Mines Mr Husband says this will help with the Menopause. I can assure him it don't be needing any feckin help. It seems to be doing a good job all by itself.

I found out if you soap the bottom of your feet in the shower you can get quite a nasty bump on your head. Don't be doing that folks.

Me and mines Mr Husband spent the day photographing mines mothers tits. We are going back next week to see them fledge.

Also excited to find I have 8 new followers on twitter- Mines Mr Husband says 'they are not followers pickle, they are stalkers'. Who cares. At least I have some friends now.

I took mines Mr Husband to Dunelm for a little treat yesterday because he has been very good. I don't think he wanted to go but I thought it he would enjoy it when we got there! He noticed me getting in very close for a look at some things. He said 'you seem to be very attracted mines little pumpkin to shiny things today- don't be thinking of spending too much money'. How the feck can you go in Dunelm without thinking about spending too much money?? We only needed face cloths. Our water is so feckin hard down here I am sure it's from Bridgwater. Anyways I had to point out to him 'I am not attracted to shiny things- it's this feckin lady magnet thingamajig. I am stuck'. Anyways he prised me off most things but the shiny kitchen chair (with the purple pagan seat) I have had to keep. So we did have to spend some money because they wouldn't let us have it for free even though I pointed out it wouldn't leave me alone. Also a set of saucepans, a colander and some nice knives and a candelabra.

Roll on a new week. I am expecting two more delivery guys (whoopee) and I am seeing Gavin the Osteopath - think it will be a good week. I am ordering a man and van as well for the house move. (Mines Mr Husband is having the van and I am having the man). And I have plenty of chocolate and cake!!