Menopause, Mugwump and Gorilla Glue

A week with news of a shortage of hummus and wonky asparagus. What the feck is this world coming to!

Since I applied Gorilla Glue to Mines Mr Husbands crack I haven't heard as much as a squeak from him- until now that is. 'Face down, naked, on the bed'- I ordered. He didn't need telling twice thinking he was going to get a nice massage. 'Think of nice things like sandy beaches (cos pebbles beaches are pointless to be feckin honest), calm blue waters, lapping waves, lesbians covered in chocolate'- I tells him. He starts fidgeting. 'Ok- forget the chocolate' I says. Within a couple of minutes new Gorilla Applied. 'That it?' he asks- 'a tickle of me bum?'. 'I have fitted a new silencer to yer backend'. I tells him. Was he grateful. Was he feck. No pleasing that man.

The menopause is getting the better of me. Today alone ; I have been in raptures over a leaflet from the council outlining our new recycling regime. Muchly excited at that I can tell ye ; cried at the Jeremy Kyle show and I was only switching it over (to be fair I did the same yesterday-just after I snapped me hair brush in half- and she was a lovely woman- even had teeth); told the boy in the post office I was not paying £3.70 to send a small package first class and ordered him to get the packet through his little doofer measurer especially when I could see he wasn't trying. He wanted to cry I could tell. I bet he will go home and have a break down- he was on the verge; became very assertive and told the man up the garage to pull his finger out and get me new car sorted. I am thinking I will have to go and sit on his head until he complies. (Could be his lucky day depending on whether or not its my naked day or not) ; also laughed out loud til I peed me pants at Boris calling manky wanky Corbyn a Mutton headed Mugwump; and confused the Amazon delivery man so much that when he asked what number I was I asked him why he needed to know how old I was. I'm on a roll today.

ME AND THE AMAZON MAN

Waited in all day for the Amazon Logistics Man to deliver me new Vera DVD. When the door bell finally went I was half asleep. He held the biggest parcel and asked me if I could take it in for her two doors down.

Me: Ok.

Him: Thanks- I will put a card through to tell her. What's your first name?

Me: Lucas

Him: Lucas? Is that your first name?

Me: No-

Him: You said it was

Me: I know. I don't know why I said that. Its Elizabeth

Him; Oh- Well I will just call you Liz

Me: Oh- well call me what you like it- see if I care

Him: Laughing out loud ' Call you what you like- ok'.

Me: Look, you disturbed me and I was half asleep and I was expecting my parcel. Where is my parcel? Its only a small one.

Him;' Ok, I will look for it in a minute. What number are you?'

Me: '53- Why do you need my age?'

Him: 'No- your house number'

Me: 'Oh- erm I don't know'- turning round looking for the number on the door.

Him; Oh 21.

Me: Yeah- that sounds right. Have you got my parcel. You should have a little one for me.

Him: I will go and look for it and I may be back.

Me: You better mate- I am not here just to take in everybody else's parcels you know.

Two minutes later, I kid ye not- he moves the van a couple of yards to park outside my house!!! Finally gets my parcel and I shouts out 'see I told you you had a little one for me'.

He went off laughing. Now he thinks I am mad I am sure and I am just menopausal.

Davina, Bacon and Tit Bits

I be sure it ain't normal to fall asleep during ye workout but I do. Do ye all do that or is it just me? I bet Davina don't have this problem!  I ain't cut out for all this exercise malarky I tell ye. It ain't natural. I don't think it be good for me arferitis at all- it be hurting too much to get down on that exercise mat even. Then I have to roll round the living room looking for something to pull me poor aching tired body back up with. On the plus side I can see right under settee and today I found a pen top, a penny, a bit o bacon from me pizza t'other night, and a bit o chocolate. The bacon and the chocolate was still good to go- once I took the fluff off- tasty combination if I must say so mineself. Mines Mr Husband finds it all a bit disgusting. I says to him 'Ye would be glad enough to eat it if ye was hungry. And if ye would let me have a dog I wouldn't find bits of food on the floor cos he would beat me to it. And not only but also if I didn't have to get down and do these stupid workouts I wouldn't find 'em either cos I wouldn't see that far down'. I told him I ain't getting down for no more workouts. He said 'ye must me little pickled pumpkin- it be good for ye joints'. I told him straight the only thing that gets me down there is knowing I might find some food under the settee whilst I been down there-ye can find some tasty tit bits under there - ye can keep ye pen tops and ye pennies. (Secretly hoping he might put some cake down there everyday now to get me down there- and I won't be worrying about getting back up). I want to wish mines little sister (the one with the issues and the day confusion) all the best in her new adventures- don't be getting yeself into any trouble and keep away from the freaks!! We shall miss ye. xxxx

Nipples and Melted Chocolate

Don't you just love it gals - the euphoria when after a long day out you get home and rip that darn bra off and find all the lovely memories of the days meals? Yesterday I found a bit of Farley (don't be ye questioning me about my choice in cereal- I bought they on me holidays when I was with mines Little Sister (the one with the issues and day confusion)- and a blob of yogurt; a bit of pulled pork with chilli jam (stuck to me nipple); half a chip; bit of an onion ring (I think) and a chocolate button (melted, but still edible). Bra's definitely have their uses - without them not only would I have nipple burns from their rubbing along the ground but all me bits of dinner would have been lost to the seagulls!

Sliding down the trunk and filling the pussies.

I have been very busy. We had mines Mr Husbands little child down for the week. The six foot two one. The six foot two child - not week. That would just be silly. We didn't really know what to do with him. He wanted to see the local sights. I misunderstood this and mines Mr Husband made me put mines clothes back on - again. Three times he made me put mines clothes back on. So I said I could take him round the social housing part of the estate- there be some sights for sore eyes on there but mines Mr Husband said that he didn't want him traumatised so we decided to take him to the zoo. It be a heck of trek for mines poor body but I have a nifty mobile walker thingy that mines father gave me. So T'was not all lost. Plus I did want to see if I could get mines self a penguin to go with mines snow leopards and wonkey donkeys. I packed an empty bag and a tin of 'lure a penguin tuna' so I could sneak one in. Mines Mr Husband drove us and took us on a detour first of all and we became slightly geographically misplaced for a short while. I didn't ever thinks we would ever get there at this rate. In fact we didn't think we would get there for a few days. There were ever so many tantrummy, screamy, naughty step brats at the zoo who have all spent their short lives being super nanny disciplined. (To no real effect it seems at all). They was really getting on my tits and under mines feet. I clipped one round the ear as often as I could. Well not the same one. That just would have been cruel. Just random ones as they ran by screaming. 'Screaming is no place for a zoo, and the zoo is no place for children' I told them. I thought it would be a good idea to feed these brats to the big cats. As it happens it is frowned upon by society to feed the little darlings to the big cats. Did ye know that? Neither did I until this week. But I Tell ye what there was a few satisfied looking pussies at the zoo that day by the time I had finished. I even think some of the mothers looked quite pleased. And one even patted me on the back. Bit too hard and over enthusiastic if ye ask me. I nearly choked on me ice-cream. On reflection maybe she wasn't so pleased as I thought. Just can't tell with people can ye? I also had some fun sliding down the elephants trunk. Then I spotted the wrecking ball in the Elephants garden and that was when it all kicked off really because you know me and wrecking balls. Move over Miley. The clothes came off, my singing voice kicked it and the wrecking ball was going like a good un'. Although it has to be said that chain could have done with a clean- I now have rusty coloured chafing between my thighs. A crowd had gathered. Apparently that was not the kind of entertainment that they had lined up for that day but that was what I gave them. They had been waiting for a talk by all accounts about elephants and conversation. So every now and then between singing me song I would shout out random things like 'Look an elephant', or 'The elephant has a slippery trunk'. I even sang Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk in between verses of Wrecking Ball. Mines Mr Husband and his little child of six foot two, who was by now getting quite traumatised (because he dropped his phone in the crowd with all the excitement and he was afraid he may miss a text), tried to coax me back out of the elephant enclosure with buns. 'I will not be tempted' I cried throwing them to the elephant. 'I will need considerably bigger buns- with icing and cherries'. In the end I was tempted down with a rum and coke and a big bar of chocolate and picture of Johnny Depp Naked. Also I was made to put mines clothes back on. Pity really cos I was just getting warmed up! We were only allowed to stay because mines Mr Husband pleaded with the keepers to think of his little six foot two child who had been looking forward to a day out at the zoo with his daddy for 29 years. 'Don't break my little child's heart please' he pleaded. They let us stay on the condition that he kept a very close eye on me and give me medication again.! Cheek of it. Fifty feckin something I am. I thought I was doing the zoo a favour so I did. Bit of entertainment for the troops. Free entertainment at that. I managed to get all the way round without too much trouble. I was able to have a swing with the orang-utans without getting noticed- thank feck for orange cardigans at George that's what I say. I managed to sneak in a ride on a zebra by removing all mines clothes again. I sunbathed naked under a palm tree last week in Torquay and got stripy sunburn so I fitted in quite nicely with the Zebras. Then I had a ride on a ostrich. T'was nice and fluffy on my much chafed inner thighs. All the time Mines Mr Husband and his little child was too busy and Mines Mr Husband really failed the zoo keepers badly by taking his eye off the ball but I kept mine on his. I curled up and had a nap in the shadow of the giant tortoise - he had barely moved in an hour so I wasn't noticed. Well I almost got discovered by a small brat. 'Ooh look that tortoise is orange'- I heard the brat say. 'That's because that's the colour of mines feckin' cardigan you little eejit', I snarled at him. He cried. He was lucky the pussy in yonder enclosure was full.

I couldn't get a penguin because they didn't have any. What kind of a feckin zoo don't be having a penguin or two? But to my credit I did manage to procure mineself a pelican (nearly the same thing- it goes in water, eats fish and begins with a P), two meerkats, (although I did have to buy a considerable amount of insurance from them first)  and a crocodile - which I let loose first in the gift shop so that I wouldn't need to feed him for a few weeks. Also got meself a talking telescope so now I always have someone to talk to at home. Now I am definitely banned from that zoo but it be ok because mine own zoo is coming along very nicely and mines Mr Husband has been busy putting up nice secure fencing to stop would be crocodile thieves.  There be criminals on this estate- I read it in the papers.

Knickers, Mothers Tits and Baked Beans

Well glad another that's another week behind me. Soon be Christmas. I feckin hate Christmas. Had a shaky start to last week. A bit dark to start with but I got better as the week wore on. It's called kidnap if you take and borrow passing people off the street and tie them up to talk to them and show them photos of your kids. Add me on face book I pleaded then I can show you without you having to sit here. But it was nice to have real people in the house. Anyways they was having none of it. Mines Mr Husband told the policeman-'it's the menopause mate- it makes her lonely and makes her cry a lot'. Cheek of it. 'No, I protested, it's being lonely makes me do it'. I wasn't helping apparently.

I had a good day when MMH told me I was only 51, not 52. Nearly peed me pants with excitement. I was breaking in a new pair that day. TIP OF THE WEEK ; Never have a whole day out whilst breaking in new knickers. You may need to abandon them when they get too tight. Not allowed back in Waitrose now. (I wonder if they have been found yet. I hid them behind them behind the baked beans).

I got me new Lady Magnet. Mines Mr Husband says this will help with the Menopause. I can assure him it don't be needing any feckin help. It seems to be doing a good job all by itself.

I found out if you soap the bottom of your feet in the shower you can get quite a nasty bump on your head. Don't be doing that folks.

Me and mines Mr Husband spent the day photographing mines mothers tits. We are going back next week to see them fledge.

Also excited to find I have 8 new followers on twitter- Mines Mr Husband says 'they are not followers pickle, they are stalkers'. Who cares. At least I have some friends now.

I took mines Mr Husband to Dunelm for a little treat yesterday because he has been very good. I don't think he wanted to go but I thought it he would enjoy it when we got there! He noticed me getting in very close for a look at some things. He said 'you seem to be very attracted mines little pumpkin to shiny things today- don't be thinking of spending too much money'. How the feck can you go in Dunelm without thinking about spending too much money?? We only needed face cloths. Our water is so feckin hard down here I am sure it's from Bridgwater. Anyways I had to point out to him 'I am not attracted to shiny things- it's this feckin lady magnet thingamajig. I am stuck'. Anyways he prised me off most things but the shiny kitchen chair (with the purple pagan seat) I have had to keep. So we did have to spend some money because they wouldn't let us have it for free even though I pointed out it wouldn't leave me alone. Also a set of saucepans, a colander and some nice knives and a candelabra.

Roll on a new week. I am expecting two more delivery guys (whoopee) and I am seeing Gavin the Osteopath - think it will be a good week. I am ordering a man and van as well for the house move. (Mines Mr Husband is having the van and I am having the man). And I have plenty of chocolate and cake!!