Truffle Ass, Big Knickers and Biscuits

Little whiles since I updated but we have had family drama and it is true drama needs an audience. Sometimes the players pull you in and suddenly you realise- not your circus and not your monkeys. Its fair to say I have pissed some people off this month by opening my gob and letting the truth out- which apparently hurts. So I have rested from social media and the family and I am recharging the atoms.  So what have ye all missed then?

I don't know- I feel weird about the world also at the moment- you got the truffle assed orange head oompah loompah man toddler who is running America and the little cock waffle with a funny hair cut from N Korea dancing about each other like to two kids with their fists up in a playground spoiling for a fisty cuffs- only a million times more dangerous. You got the other fuck nugget with another funny hair cut from China trying to bang their heads together and the other ass wipes from the other countries over there waiting to shout 'fight- everybody- quick its a fight'. I am here wondering what the difference is between cod liver oil and caster oil and whether I should stop worrying about that and run down the street naked shouting 'Jesus wants for me a sunbeam'- or to hold Mines Mr Husbands hand, sing Kumbyah and then put me head between me legs and kiss me arse goodbye. Decisions, decisions. In the meantime I think it is good  nip to Tesco and top up the malteser supply. May as well go naked. Nothing to lose now.

The Easter bunny came in our house. That's it. He be a dirty fecker.

Also a new car, called Bob, came to live with me. We are going for topless adventures with Elvis, but at the moment it is in the garage having a couple of little jobs doing. I like going to the garage. Tis next to a gym and there is always hunky men working out outside. Sometimes I lift my top and jiggles mines boobies. Tis true there has been one or two groin strains but they should be keeping thems on minds on what they are doing. Also Mines Mr Husband has been pissing on my chips and he wouldn't let me bring Bob in and park him on the rug. Bob is lovely and needs parking on the rug. I just can't understand why that man won't let me bring Bob in.

Also I had new knickers. Mines Mr Husband treated me - however they are big girl pants for tough days. In fact they are so big they comes to and covers me chins. Bridget Jones got a lot to answer for so she has. Also got me a big roll of polythene. I am ready for a chemical attack almost. Just need to get some gaffer tape and I am ready.

 There was much excitement one night here as I was awaiting delivery of a new gravy separator the next day. One more sleep. Yep I know how to live the life here. It will be more exciting for the delivery driver though cos I may just lift me top. If he gets here early I may not even be dressed. It can go one of two ways- he can be really thrilled or he could be really distressed. Who knows? Just rang Mines Mr Husband and told him it was good time to make a baby and he best get home pronto. He said 'there is a never a good time fruitcake- you haven't got a womb'. Tis true. I said 'no- this is true but I do have a cornflake pack and some sticky back plastic'. He says he would love to help but he got a ladder that needs his going up and down! I tried!

Oh yes and I am going to be a great aunty. I will the crazy one but without smelling of rich tea biscuits and cats wee.

I did an online test that told me I was a red wood tree in a former life. I lived 200 years. And now I suppose I am actually a wardrobe and a chest of drawers.

Also I wonder how many women wake their husbands in the middle of the night for a cuppa tea? I used to send my ex husband down to make tea frequently. He never argued- he just did it. Now Mines Current Mr Husband- different kettle of fish. Not that I have ever even dared to wake him and send him for tea. He isn't fond of being woken in the night- I gathered that long ago. Anyways I have asked him what would be an acceptable to reason to waken him in the night and it transpires tis these things:

Life or death (house on fire etc)

If I am very ill and may need medical treatment

If there is an intruder- although an intruder would probably have me to fear first

If there is a cow on the roof.

Do you see tea on that list? Do you see just for a chat because I am awake and bored? Do you see 'I have run out of maltesers, this is an emergency' ?

Nope. I think the list is clear enough. Always pissing on me chips that man.

 I put the new DVD - Yoga for over 50's. (apparently not to do it if you are in poor health or pregnant). After just ten minutes I had to turn it off. Mines Mr Husband asked 'why, fruitcake turning off the Yoga so soon'.  'Well', I tells him, quite breathless at that, 'I am fecking exhausted and aching'. He looked at me puzzled. 'But', he says, 'You were only watching it- you weren't actually doing it'. Typical of him to split hairs. 'Well', I tells him, 'that proves tis no good for ye'. Think I may put that in the never watch again pile.

Hoseasons are offering holidays with unexpected touches. I like unexpected touches- particularly if they are from hunks.

Mines Mr Husband asked me to trim me bush so that he could drive his car up the drive. He said 'yer bush needs trimming- tis hanging all over the sides How am I expect to put me car in garage'. I had to get him to help- I just couldn't get down that low. Looks better now. However, we left the top long- now if the electric man wants to come he is going to have to root around in my bush to find me cubby hole.

Pains in my chest and I say to Mines Mr Husband 'I think I got a heart thing going on'. He said 'Ye needs some spray for under ye tongue'- he handed me some spray. He is very efficient like that. I sprayed it. Bleach is feckin horrid under yer tongue.

Have a cake- have a kit kat. My new mantra. May stand outside slimming world with that one. I already give them rewards for losing weight. Well they do need an incentive. One group has already moved and gone underground because 'of that pesky woman outside giving out cakes'. Life is too feckin short not to eat cake.

I also had a new experience yesterday. They say new experiences are good for you. I used a Unisex Loo. Torquay have installed unisex loos! I always said I would never succumb- but needs must when the bladder is full and the next nearest loo is a mile away. Tis very hard to walk that far with yer legs crossed. So I took the bull by the horns and in I went. I am glad I did too- for two reasons- because a) I didn't pee my pants and 2) there were some very hunky guys in there. When I came out mines Mr Husband said 'Were you ok? You were a long time!' I said 'Of course I was ok- after I had a wee I hung around to see if I could help'. He looked puzzled -'help?' he asked. 'What is there to help with?'- I explained 'You know- in case anyone needed "anything" holding'. He sighed and said 'In future when you need a wee you have one at the ladies at the other end of town- and I hope you didn't do booby jiggling and flashing'. I said nothing. He is always pissing on my chips that man!

And that be it me ol babbers- catch ya all laters.................

Oooo-er  - just one more thing -I am loving my horoscope this week - it talks of Deep Erotica, Naughty in tents and Uranus exploration and adventure. Not sure what to do this week...............