Autopsy, Pickled onions and Furry balls

I wonder if ye are all wondering what my book is like? Well are ye? Perhaps ye needs a little taster of it to see if ye thinks ye might likes to buy it. So yer tis-

......... Today they did an auto topsy thingy on my body. I watched because I am nosy. I wondered what I was like inside. I am shocked to be honest. My blood isn't blue after all. Well who knew. I guess this means I am not related to the queen after all. Mines Muvver always swore blind we was. When she used to get the best china out she would say 'See what it says on the bottom, ''Royal Albert''. That's our Albert is that'. She swore blind we had 'Royal Albert' printed on all our bottoms. Sadly I was too cake shaped to see mine.

All me other bits looked to be in quite good order. All functioning perfectly well. Well apart from the fact I am deaded. If it weren't for that they would be functioning perfectly well. Me heart was well not beating, but sort of heart shaped. The other bits looked like they was laid out on a plate for a fry up. But all very healthy. Deaded but healthy. Although there was quite a lot of string around me soppygus. Don't know how that got there.

The woman from Silent Witness was surprised that my stomach was like a treasure trove of stuff. Bits of paper (I sometimes was a bit impatient unwrapping sweets and also there was me secrets I had to eat so the KFC and the MFI didn't find out what I wrote); they found a half a plastic spoon- I wondered where that went; a small battery from me watch (I had only meant to hold it momentarily in me mouth and then the cat farted and killed the budgie with a ball bearing he had off the xmas cake last year - made me jump it so it did), half a dozen sixpences or so from xmas puddings over the years, three mouldy pickled onions (yum- I love pickled onions and marmite), a bit of tinsel from that party trick I did three Christmas's ago and finally they found a fur ball with bits of glitter. No idea how that got there!! I never knew anyone with furry balls, let alone furry glittery balls. It would explain why when I farted I emitted little puffs of glitter..............

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