Sheared Nuts, Testicles and Pussy Galore

Thursday: Mmmm Bob has flat tyres. Not a happy girly I am not. Are Bob and I victims of  a tyre hater? Or have I been a numpty and driven both tyres over something sharp? This is putting pay to my adventures.

Monday: This morning I am  toying with running through the streets with me knickers on me head, whipping me nae nae shouting 'hot bananas' and 'Justice for Napoleon- give him his eye back'. Mr Husband said 'Nooo, don't do that- last time your boobies clapped together so hard the neighbours thought it was a massive thunder storm and took cover. And even the budgie hid under his sand sheet'. However, I never listen to him and I have cramp in me foot. What's a girl to do? You can't sit still with that!

Also today I am very pleased with Mines Mr Husbands yearly report from work. It says he has been very good. He has worked hard, and he has done all the jobs properly. He has used his initiative and he has shown good 'Leadership' skills!!  I know- I am confused too. So why has not got the promotion? ??? Then it said  he worked well with ALL of his team mates. They emphasised the ALL. I think this translates as praise for not killing the fat slimy git who steals other peoples promotions. I have advised him many times 'tie the fat barstewards laces together when he is at the top of the metal stairs and then give him a little nudge'. I would. But no- he has behaved so now he is bosses pet. I wondered why he was taking an apple to work everyday. There was me thinking it was to keep the Dr away! All in all- a good report. Good Boy. Star on the chart for him this week.

 Friday: Been to see mines little sister today (the one that likes a drop of gravy in her wine and goes braless in CO-OP). We took a van again. We was chuffed. Well I was. I was able to get Mines Mr Husband a whole Venison for tea. It was deaded as a doornail. Fresh too. Also seven Badgers, A fox fur, Two rabbits, A Buzzard and an Ant Eater. Then I found two bits of lorry tyre, a bag of sand and Sofa Cushion (also very deaded- not breathing at all and ready stuffed). Good job we had a van is what I say.  Plus, four times today mines Mr Husband has let me drive past Dunelm. All in all a good day. Apart from the flat tyres on Bob situation ;-(  )

Sunday morning: Well I am all at sixes and sevens and eights today. Me top and yoga pants are on back to front. I am like a feckin raggy doll. But Mines Mr Husband is going to turn me head round in a minute so all will be well. No wonder I got octopus new roger in me neck. Also last night Mines Mr Husband declared he wanted to experiment in my bedroom on me new bed. I agreed it would make a change. This only actually means he wants to sleep in me bed next to me for a night. The condition was that he didn't snore- I haves enuff trouble sleeping as tis. He was good. He only snored loud once and then I tickled his cracked with a wire brush. (Nothing else works very well since the gorilla glue thing! - if ye don't then ye will have to go to my blogspot, Depression, Aspergers and Hats. I tell ye I am big in Alaska. And Russia for some bizztsar reason. I think the Russians got the BFG keeping an eye on me. Also I rank number 4 on Google if ye should happen to google KNICKERS or Manky Wanky Donkeys). Anyways the experiment didn't work well and I ended up in his bed because I was in pain. Then later he woke up and come in to his bed. Then I got up and went back to my bed. Then he woke up this morning and came and got back in my bed. I never even used to have this much trouble with the kids! Anyways tonight is Sunday. I spends Sunday night at Johnny Depps. So all good there. Mines Mr Husband can have the pick of the beds. Anyways we off to Tesco now for a bit o' pork - hopefully I will get chance to do me wrecking ball routine. (If ye don't knows about that either ye best go to me blogs!!!) Be good and if ye can't be good- don't get caught!

 Sunday Afternoon: SO a disappointing trip to Tesco. I did get pork. But they have hidden all the space hoppers in a bid to stop my 'antics' the security man said. Also I am banned from the wrecking ball routine, twerking or whipping nae nae in store. He also mentioned that if I do any of the following it will be seriously frowned upon:

Nibbling all the cheeses in the chiller cabinet or wine and whiskey tasting. (Apparently some shit about not being able to sell opened bottles and packets).

Pinching or smacking random bottoms because they are bent over- male or female.

Climbing naked in the freezer (what's a menopausal gal supposed to do on hot days?)

Swapping babies from one trolley to another when mums have their backs turned. Or indeed removing tantrummy toddlers from the shop and standing them in the middle of the road outside. (Once I did that! Once. Or maybe twice- but not more- probably. Some people can't let anything go).

Adding expensive (or otherwise) goods to peoples trolleys when they are not looking (ditto removing items).

Modelling the swimwear or the underwear in the aisles (you would think they would be grateful- I do it for free!)

Or asking the Manager 'How's you're arse for cracking walnuts on this fine day sir?'

Or hijacking the tanoy and announcing an impromptu sale of everything just 10p. (I don't know why - it worked wonderfully well last time- they should employ me as sales manager full time).

And no standing with the fruit and veg and asking passers by if they would like to feel my lemons. I mean melons. Or asking them if they think cucumbers and bananas are rude fruit.

And finally I have to stop calling 'Trudi' - my friend Kathy Jones because she is not my friend Kathy Jones but she is Trudi. (They are lying. She is my friend Kathy Jones because she looks exactly like her and that's how I know!)

And then the security guard said 'Put your top down and stop jiggling your boobies at me- it doesn't work- I have seen it all stood yer on this door'. He is miserable fecker. He needs sacking.

They are just not enticing me to shop in their store me thinks! Every little helps!

TUESDAY:

Well I seem to be here again. So soon. All at sixes and sevens and eights. Possibly nines and tens as well. I know ye all be thinking 'Oh no, they been experimenting in the bedroom again'. Nope. Not going there again! Tis all this night shift stuff that Mr Husband engages in. I was doing ok until hers next door with the neatly trimmed bush and the wayward pussy tells me someone was trying her front door one night. I thought someone was trying mine one night too. But I concluded it was my mind being like my bladder. Overactive. I got up more times than I can count last night to check and double check doors and windows. I am no Carol Vorderman. I prefer to think of myself more like Rachel Riley. Anyways the result is a head like a mashed banana wired into a plug socket. Mines Mr Husband says 'you go to bed naked (apart from orgasm socks)- what would ye do if someone did break in?' I said 'chase them, jiggling my boobies and shouting "don't even think about it mate- I am menopausal and I haven't had any cake for six weeks". He thought about it for a second and he said 'Yep- that should do it'. On the plus side I am having an electric man today so I best clear the cupboard ready- and find me rope and gaffer tape.

The last time the Electrician came here he went outside to turn the water off. He came back in complaining he has sheared his nuts off in my bush looking for the stop cock. I hope there is no repeat of that today. Although it has to be said I haven't trimmed me bush for some considerable time. He could be in there quite a while today...........

 Later in the day: OMG- its the exact same electrician that sheared his nuts off in my bush before. He is still suffering. He said he will not even attempt to go in my bush this time. I need a specialist Electrician. Now my name is going on a big list on the office wall! I guess it comes under unruly bushes and nut shearers.

 Evening: An interesting visit from the Electric man. He walked and took one look at me and said 'oooh I think I have been yer before- can ye remember?' 'Can I remember? I haven't been able to think of nothing else' I tells him.  Then I reminded him 'Ya told me that ya wanted to replace me pipework. Ya removed me drawers (a bit cackhanded if ye asks me), then ya decides to fiddle with yer stop cock in me bush out in the street, sheared off yer nuts and then ya tries to replace me drawers and ya left them in a twist'. Me husband comes home and he wasn't happy but like most men ya disappeared into the ether not to be found again'. He said 'tis all coming back to me'. Anyway I am on a 'list' in the office now re: sheared nuts. He came back again to see me to tell me! Never apologised though for leaving me drawers in a twist. How Rude!

WEDNESDAY: 

I will be glad when mines Mr Husband finishes this shitty night shift - I am all over the place. I am here, there and everywhere. Not knowing whether I am coming or going. Sixes and sevens up to ninety threes and ninety fours. The night before last was sitting up nursing a migraine. Last night Wind. I started off by giving the neighbours a three gun salute outta the bedroom window which by dawn had escalated to chemical warfare. Not one fired back. We call this the element of surprise. I am a trained sniper me. I have took out half an estate and all before they knew what was happening. Last time I experiment with a bread roll topped with onions.. if we don't leave some people on the estate I won't have anyone to do case studies of humans on.

 Other news this week:

Whoop Whoop- I have lost some weight. I noticed me elbows are thinner. Thats what happens when  you stop eating cake.

I found out Pussy Galores name was not real. Nope. Her real name is Fanny Everywhere.

My muvver and favver don't bovver with sex anymore. She says they just roll their eyes at each other. Sometimes she can't even be bovvered to roll his back.

By Closing your eyes & rubbing a Kiwi fruit in one hand & a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference!

It also gets you banned from Tesco

The landlord tells me to get to grips with over grown bush. Its getting tangled round the legs of passersby now. He says 'just yank it out from the roots'. I am sure there must be a more pain free method!

 

Strokes, Massage and Patriotic Pussy

SUNDAY: I had to call the nice policemans today to complain about he at number 29 sunbathing naked. The policemans said 'I can't see anything'. I tells him 'No, ye can't from yer ye dozy bugger- ye gotta climb on top of wardrobe to see him properly'.  He said he wouldn't be climbing on top of my wardrobe so he couldn't do anything about my complaint. Guess I shall just have to put up with it.

MONDAY: I have been to the osteopaff. He says I got a nice body. I told him,' you may as well put thems candles out'.  He says 'they are for ambience'. I tells him 'When you lift my legs above my head mate I will be providing ambience I can tell ye- and the last osteopaff I seen - well I blowed his candles out- and not from the top end'. Then he stuck akipumbter needles in me. Mines Mr Husband he gave me a bottle of water on the way home. I leaked liked a feckin colander. So that was a waste of time. Anyways he has promised me he will have me upright and walking in three weeks. So me climb of Everest is booked and I will stick a flag in it when I get there to let ye all know the osteopaff worked!

I am a bit achy. Mines Mr Husband suggest I have a nice relax in the bath. I am only in there ten minutes and he comes in and says 'Why don't you put some water in there pickle? And take your clothes off as well?' - 'Why don't you mind your own feckin business?' I says to him. He is gone to sulk in his shed. We still don't have a shed. Tis very worrying when he goes out to sulk in it.

TUESDAY: I been up to see the Dr again. She said she thinks I have had a mini stroke. Well that be a bugger. I said 'well that was good t'was only little then and I am ok'. She said 'Well no, because a mini stroke is often a warning that something else could happen'. Well cheer a gal up why don't you. Then she said 'I will need to keep a close eye on you'.  I tells well 'I will just pop home and get me suitcase packed'. She asked what for? I don't understand that woman sometimes. 'Cos I am coming home with you ain't I so you can keep a close eye on me'. Anyways she says 'You won't be needing to go home and get clothes'. Oooo-er, I think she is a bit kinky just between me you and the gatepost. Then she says 'You won't need to come home with me- we can keep an eye on you by you coming in to be checked regularly' I am currently camping naked in the waiting room. Tis not very quiet in yer I must say. And I do get some very funny looks when I pokes me head out of me tent first thing...............but better be safe than sorry.

WEDNESDAY: Sometimes I am lonely. I told mines Mr Husband this. He just carried on playing his scrabble. On his own. I know, I know.......... So I told him I want a dog. A little red, white and blue dog'. He said 'why red, white and blue?'. I said 'because then I won't be lonely'. He said 'But why Red, White and Blue? What difference does the colour make?' I said 'because people will stop and talk to me- he will be a centrepiece my Red, White and Blue dog and I shall call him "pussy" and then I shall say to passers by "would you like to stroke my dog" ' . Too be honest I don't even care if I just have a Blue dog- that would be different enough for me. Mines Mr Husband says that we probably won't get a blue dog very easily. He always pisses on my chips that man! Always gives up at the first hurdle. Not me, I am no quitter- that's why I don't stop eating chocolate.

THURSDAY: I have had three lots of bumph this week from Sun Life. They must have heard about me stoke.  I am so glad I don't live next door to that nosy feckin June who also collects your post and then brings it right into your house and waits for you to open it or else I may have even more bumph.

Also we been up the Muff again to get me chocolate shampoo, Mines Mr Husband takes care of it for me to stop me drinking me it should I be lured by the smell of chocolate in the dark of the night. He says he don't be wanting me farting chocolate bubbles all day......like last time. In the shop where I buys it there was a nice lady who greeted me. She said 'I am Mary- I do Massage'. 'Congratulations'- I says. Then she says 'I am offering a mini massage out the back- would you like one?' I says 'For fecks sake missus I only comes in for me chocolate shampoo'. She says 'Well the mini massage is free'. I tells her 'I am not sure I am wanting me mini massaged at this precise time- I only comes in for shampoo like I tells ye before'. Then she says 'I don't charge'. I says 'Do you want me naked or do ye just want me to show yer me mini?' Anyways whilst she was deciding I was undressed and stood in the middle of the buckwheat and quinoa awaiting further instruction- singing Wrecking Ball and whipping me nae nae. Then she said she couldn't fit me in- she remembered she had to be somewhere else. Waste of everyone's feckin time. However I did get chance to show me stripping and naked dancing skills to a whole new lot of people. Win Win.

FRIDAY MORNING: Well we shall have snow for sure. Mr Husband has declared he needs to go to the dentist. The last time he went there Queen Victoria was on the throne, Bruce Forsyth was just beginning his career in showbiz, London burned because some asshole baker left the bread in too long and the pied piper was piping. Dear God if you are listening please send us a few thousand pound cos this is gonna be an expensive do. Its like the dark hole of calcutta in that there mouth I tell ye.

FRIDAY: I have been good. Salad for tea. It being Friday we normally have Krispies. Not rice Krispies you feckin eejits. No Krispies fish and chips- the best in the UK- supposedly. But you know two weeks ago I had a mini stroke so tonight my head was saying salad. My heart was saying Krispies. Mines Mr Husband says 'your heart should be saying salad- it needs salad'. So salad it was. But now I am thinking- well I am going die sooner or later (I know- don't be sad- you are too!!) and I am now thinking- I wish I had had Krispies. Who wants to feckin die eating salad anyway? Guess what I am having for tea tomorrow not. (There won't be a lettuce leaf in sight!!) I am going to go out of this world with a glass of Baileys in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other. I will go out sideways ,naked. No need for clothes.

SATURDAY : The Dr tells me I have a slow metabolism caused by a knackered thyroid which means I can't lose the cake shape easy. Protein however speeds metabolism up. Bear with me- you are getting a feckin free science lesson here. I could eat more eggs, tuna, or chicken. Or lesgummys or such stuff.  But I mentioned to Mines Mr Husband I am sure in Tesco they have bottled protein- I sawed it with my very own eyes. He said 'well, that's for fitness freaks my little peach'. I said 'Yay- I am a fitness freak so I can have some'. Then he said 'No- you freak out when you hear the word fitness- tis not the same'. So eggs it is then. I shall pop them in a cake- win win.

Final thought for the week: I am not sure if Mr Juicy playing 'If you go down in the woods today' is appropriately themed or named for an ice cream man in today's culture!

Dirty Gertie, Slack Alice and the Bee Hive

Well me mate Theresa was calling by yesterday to go shoe shopping. Only she changed her mind at the last minute. Something about an election or something. I was at a loose end when Dirty Gertie called. Do ye remember me mate Dirty Gertie? Yeah that's the one. The one with the Vajazzle. Yes- the one who had the infection. Dirty minger hers is. Well she called me yesterday. She wanted me to go to the beauty salon place. I said 'they ain't feckin miracle workers ye knows'. Anyways she said she was going for that new treatment I was talking about. You know- the wasp nest up the nunny. Apparently her fancy man Trevor wanted her to go. Yep thats right hers got a fancy man. Met him up 'Grab a Granny' night up the bingo. He got funny eyes- they always be looking both ways for Wednesday. He also got a limp. An old war wound he says. He wasn't even born in the war. He just a lazy shite. He and Dirty Gertie been rowing cos she wants him to have his tattoos on his knuckles removed. 'I love me mam' it says. But he said he wouldn't be unfaithful to his mam for no woman so instead he painted I love Gertie on his Robin Reliant. He got I LOV down one side and E G on the front and R A T down the other side and two big X X on the back.  He dyslexic as well. Then on the bonnet he tried to paint a union Jack to show his loyalty to the King and Crown, (thats the pub- not the Royal Family) but he smudged it and then he tried to wipe it off with spit. He be a dirty fecker. Then he wiped it with his sleeve. Tis a right ol mess now- and the bonnet. Plus he only had blue paint. No red and no white. Still Gertie loves him. He sits on her balcony (up the tower block up town where she lives) swigging cider and vapourizing (all the rage now) singing along with the spice girls. I can't even repeat what he said he wouldn't like to do that Posh Spice on Friday night and a Saturday morning. 'Pure Heaven' is how Gertie gushes over him. Anyways she came round yesterday and she says that Trev wants her to go and have her Slack Alice tightened and she also heard about this Wasp nest up the slack Alice and wanted me to take her up the beauty salon. So I am a good friend so I did.

She was only in there a few minutes when she let out an almighty scream. She come out- she could hardly walk. I said 'ooooo, did it sting a bit'. She said 'no- they said they didn't have a wasp nest big enough'. Oooo-er. Dirty Gertie. Slack Alice or What!! Anyways she said 'I had to have an alternative'. Yep- tis true- I could see the legs of the beehive sticking out the legs of her drawers. Good job Winnie the Pooh lives so far away is what I say. Had to put her upside in the car to get her home. Good job I got a topless car is what she say!! She say- Trevor hasn't been home all night. He has an allergy to bees apparently. Guess that's another romance over before it Bee Gun.

Recycling, Nunny balancing and Wasp Nests!

 Been wondering where I been at for two weeks- being adventerous and what not as usual. Here's the latest round up for me fans. I did lose a follower in the week. Bit careless but I think it was the spy from the Russian BFG so all is good!

Friday: We are having new recycling thingy here. We will be allowed to recycle cardboard at last. We have nice big bags issued. Its says put your address on it- gives you a space even. Then it says wash and squash. Mines Mr Husband says 'are you putting the address on it'. 'Too feckin right' I says. I know what they are like round here. I will be conscientious (ooo-er looking me using big words), and I will be washing and squashing and squashing and washing and thems dirty fecker round yer won't be washing and squashing. Then when thems bags are all dirty and stinky they will be swapping for mine- washed and squashed, squashed and washed'. He thinks it won't happen but I remind him of Wheelie Bin Gate- Our bin was stolen from under his nose! Thats why we take it turns of a night to sit outside and guard the new bin! I don't want the same scenario with my new conscientiously (oooo-er twice now) washed and squashed bag! No siree!!

Sunday: I been up the Tesco today already. All the neighbours still sleeping. 'Why, Beth, on a Saturday, on Beths naked, dancing and sing-a-long with Elvis day are ye at Tescos?' I hear ye all ask. Well tis true I gives it a wide berth on a Saturday. Tis usually too peoply but Mr Husband needs food for his shift. He is actually covering this month for Fat Slimy Git who steals other peoples promotions! He is holidaying in Africa. I hope he gets too close to something hungry. A hippo or something. And talk about rubbing salt and pepper and vinegar and tomato sauce into the wound!! Mr Husband will do it though cos he does as he is told. Mostly. Anyways they don't expect me on a Saturday up there. I am glad I went now. They was playing 'Wrecking Ball'. And you know what that means guys. It means strip off and grab the nearest space hopper. So I did. I had soooo much fun. I got off with a caution! Not off  the space hopper- off the public disorder fence. I caught them right off guard this time. Then, my friend from the Toy Cupboard Kathy was operating at the checkout. She said 'I am not your friend Kathy- stop grabbing me and kissing me- my name is Trudi'. She pointed to her badge. To be fair it did say Trudi but that can be anybodys badge. Namely Trudi's.  I worked in morrisons. I used to borrow Bens badge. You just gotta have a badge on. So I think Kathy just borrowed Trudi's badge to throw me off the scent. Then she tried to throw me off the scent by talking to me about her ironing. I thought- 'hmmm- this don't sound like Kathy'. Then she said she hated ironing. That just convinced me it was Kathy. She told me her husband goes to work naked. Well what she said was he didn't wear shirts. So I think he goes naked. She also said she need  her chair higher cos she is short ass. Then I knew for definite it was Kathy. I still hugged her before Mr Husband dragged me out the shop. I am not allowed to go to her checkout again. Insert sad face here.

 

 Monday:So Gwyneth Paltrow is into putting rocks in her noo noo to balance her chakras and help her meditate. In my book this is no no. With my bulldog grip this means sudden release I have killed half a dozen passers-by, four cats and a budgie. And knocked a policemans hat off. Also messes with your Ying and Yang someat chronic.The other latest craze I hear is to insert a wasps nests into your noo noo (although it does burn for a while apparently) to tighten it up. Well the very thoughts of it makes me do that. Please don't try it home. No- do it in the open air in the country side where no one can hear you scream!!! I am no Doctor Christian but what I say is Pelvic floor exercises all the way ladies- as per my advertisement on 'This Morning' show. SAY NO TO ROCKS AND WASPS NESTS!!!

Saturday: Mines Mr Husband and I been discussing our wills and stuff. We do from time to time. A little review because we are happy to talk about death and stuff. We are also sensible. I also get anxious about being left alone and no way of surviving. Anyways turns out he is worth more dead than alive. Tis true. On an entirely un-related subjected how many ways are there to dispose of a corpse?

 TUESDAY: Me, Bob and Elvis been for a little adventure on our own. We found the garden centre. I was so excited to have actually found it I nearly drove right out again. Also nearly peed my pants with excitement. But having no spare ones with me decided against it. However, coming home Bob got me and Elvis lost and we went goodness knows where and to be honest I thought Bobs driving was a bit erratic and left a bit to be desired. He even clipped the kerb coming out of the garden centre and nearly tipped us up. Good job we didn't go topless. He has now parked very wonky on the drive. I think thats enough excitement for one day!! Poor old Elvis is all shook up!

Wednesday: WD40 was cheap in Tesco for a massive tin. So I said to mines Mr Husband 'buy one, tis good fer yer nuts when they go rusty'. So he bought one. At the checkout the good looking young man who was checkout operating my shopping looked at it. I said 'tis good value and tis good for yer rusty nuts'. He said he didn't have rusty nuts. I said 'Let me check'. That was all I said - well and I did get behind the conveyer with him. And I may have been a bit too much hands on. Anyways thats me not allowed in Tesco again!

Mines Mr Husband said to me 'Why have you got this big pack of sausages out my little pickle'. He can be a nosy fecker. 'Cos I am doing Cock o van for tea'. He said 'what, with sausages?'. I said 'Duh- Cock- tis the nearest thing I can find that's similar'. Honestly no imagination when cooking that man. (Especially since I banned Worcester Sauce- read the booky peoples).

Oh I did panick this morning when I looked in the mirror -'OMFG'- I cried in distress- 'My face is swollen over night'. Mines Mr Husband comes running. 'No, pickle' he said- 'You have the magnify mirror there- turn it over'. Phew! Thank feck for that. I thought someone had pumped me up whilst I had been asleep.

Tursday: When we was in Cornwall mines Mr Husband said 'Look a shop just selling Ice cream. Would you like one?' I never pass the opportunity by to have one. No not me. Or an Ice cream. He said 'look, 31 flavours fresh from Marshfield Farm' it says. 'Which one do you like'. Well I says 'Not, the freshly made Hay, or the Cow Pat or the Pig Swill'.  I settled for Black Cherry. Who knew Black Cherry was a farm flavour?

We went on the Ferry when we was in Cornwall- to get from one side to other. I said to Mines Mr Husband 'Wasn't I a good girl? I wasn't sick, or panicky and I didn't pee me pants'- he said 'Well to be fair there wasn't time, we was only on two minutes. It's called Roll on, Roll off'. I told him -hmmm- I have had men like that. I didn't know it applied to ferrys as well. You lives and learns so you do.

Time for a Beths hot top tit. If ye are menopausal (I am don't ya know)- or a hot man even, I can highly recommend a convertible (Car that is not man- although given the right one..............). Top off,  bombing along the motorway at high speed (no more than 70 of course- what kinda law breaker do ya think I am?) and having a sing- along with Elvis. Can't beat it for cooling yer hot bits down!

Blowing, Sucking and Booby Jiggling

I been up the hospital for me tests and me photos. As soon as I got there I took mines clothes off. Mines Mr Husband said ' Put your clothes back on'. I said 'No- cos I am at the hospital and I have to take mines clothes off because the Dr wants to see mines chest and take a photograph'. He said 'Not in the car park he don't- and will you please stop draping yourself over the bonnets of cars. Now Cover that Kipper and Keep it warm'. When we got in the hospital he said 'Don't take your clothes off until the Dr asks you to'. Always pissing on my chips that man. I won't take him again there. Then when I was waiting they brought a dead looking person past. I said to the nurse 'Why are you bringing dead persons down here in the photo bit?' and she said 'She is not dead'. I poked her to make sure. She didn't move. So I tickled her toes. She didn't move. 'She looks a bit waxy to me -' I said to the nurse 'and she ain't be moving are you sure she ain't dead? -'. I put my hand over mouth to see if she was breathing. I seen that on the Telly to tell if someone is not dead yet. Then the bitch bit me. Not the nurse- the dead woman on the bed. Well she didn't bite. She didn't have teeth. But she did give me nasty suck. I said to the nurse 'you are right- she ain't dead -yet!' Then it was my turn to see the photograph woman and finally I was allowed to take my top off and stand in front of the machine. She said 'stop jiggling the boobs please'. I said 'I am not- it always happens when I take the over shoulder boulder holder off- they go in different directions like two wild jellies- here there and everywhere. Out of control'. Anyway when they eventually settled by me knees she took photographs. Then she sent me to the nurse to do me heavy breathing. I am good at that. I had to blow into a machine and don't stop. Just like when you have too much Baileys. She kept saying 'Blow- Don't suck'. I said 'I have always had trouble mixing up my blowing and sucking me dear- stick with it and don't give me a party popper or we will have trouble'. (Read the booky peoples, read the booky'). On the way out I asked the old man in the wheel chair if he want me to strip off to cheer him up. He said yes. So I did. He had a stroke. I have been asked not to attend again for safety of other patients. How Rude- What if I am ill?

Frolic in the bluebells

AT BETHS THIS WEEK

 Tuesday: Bob and me are off for a topless adventure this morning. Well depends on how warm it is. If it's not very warm Bob won't take his top off but I will. When I say adventure we are going to the Doctors. We like to go a couple of hours earlier for parking. Its very difficult to navigate Bob past the blood pressure thingymajig and the fish tank in the waiting room. I don't take no notice of that traffic warden woman at the desk- cleverly disguised as a receptionist. We also like to be early to make new friends. Other peoples waiting to see the Dr. I like to find out what ails them. See if they really need a Doctor or whether they just need to see the pharmacist. Or the hospital. Or the coroner. I like to think of myself as volunteer triage. All doctors surgeries need a patient like me- likes to help out. Could save the NHS thousands so we could. So I tell ye all this again- Be good and if ye can't be good- don't get caught!

Monday: Today was a lovely day- until Mines Mr Husband pissed on my chips. He said of a beautiful size 22 top I picked up 'that would be too tight on you babe I am afraid'. Afraid- be very afraid - the ultimate insult. The day got better after that- when I went to the harbour and found a nice man with a boat and a breeze block. Now I am filling out insurance forms. And here's a little message to the foreign bint for whom I wasn't walking fast enough for because you had to get to TKMAX before everyone else (Yes you with the thigh gap the width of the severn bridge and the slack Alice)- Don't push disabled people because they cannot walk fast enough- it's bad manners. I don't walk fast because I can't- Every inch of my body is pain every minute of the day and my hips and spine are arthritic. You spiteful wench. I hope your next shit is a hedgehog and I hope a thousand camel toes invade your armpits. You may behave like that in Manilla but we don't here in the UK. On the plus side Bob performed very well- so far so good- may keep him. Bob, Elvis and Beth could be coming to a town near you!!

Time for a Beths top tit. If you watch your tv programmes all through the day on the plus one channel you have gained an extra a hour because by the end of the day you would have forgotten your on the plus one channel.

Wednesday: Mines Mr Husband is taking me for a frolic in the blue bells. Bob is coming. We are having a threesome in the bluebells. Just hope there ain't no dog shit.

Thursday AM: Well we went to frolic in a capret of blue bells- only it was so much a carpet more of a rug- well a door mat. They are very sparse in our woods. And it wasn't so much of a frolic as a bit of hand holding- and I did sit on a log. Then Mines Mr Husband joined me. Mines Mr Husband kept saying 'Please keep your clothes on- someone might be watching you and you may get splinters in your Lulu. I said to him 'Well there be no point in getting naked in the woods if no one is watching- tis boring'. Tis true at that time of night tis mostly squirrels who do give you some funny looks when you gets naked. I said to mines Mr Husband 'getting naked in the woods ain't for everyone- especially men and especially with so many squirrels about- they be collecting nuts wholesale'. Mines Mr Husband said he would keep his hand on his because he didn't want to be digging them back up. I did see also a couple of bears in the wood- well I seen where they shitted. Behind the trees cos thats be where they go. Mines muvver told me that and she don't lie. Also I am sure I seen some crocodiles. Mines Mr Husband said 'we don't have crocodiles in the woods, especially in England'. I don't know how he knows this for sure. I am sure he tells me this so I won't get better photographs than him. I have planned to go to the woods by myself one day and see if I can get these photos and bring back the proof. Yes- then I shall piss on his apple pie and see how he likes it.

 Thursday : So my son rings me tonight and tells me my new car, Bob, is what is formally or even informally known as a 'hairdressers car'. That's ok by me. I was thinking of offering fringe mutilation. I mean trimming. Yes, trimming that's what I mean. Now who's first? Form an orderly queue and no fighting or bum pinching.

 Sunday: I had a message from a Bailey Carter last night to tell me I am an imbecile. It's a false profile by the seems of things but it made me laff. You imbecile it said. Anyways Bailey Carter, if you are reading this, whoever you are I just want you to know this: when people piss me off I usually put their name on a bit of paper in me knife drawer. However lately I realised there was more names in the drawer than knives. So what I did I threaded a bit of string through all said bits of paper and hung them in the lav. Every time I go I pick one to wipe me arse on. Yours is on the top. You're welcome!

 Friday: I complained to mines Mr Husband 'I never win the Euro Millions'- and true to form he pissed on me apple crumble right there and then and he said 'That's because you never buy a ticket'. So this is how he is - always nit picking over small details.

Been to see the Dr again. She had a spare appointment and I thought 'why not'. Stupid traffic warden (cunningly disguised as a receptionist) made a fuss about Bob being parked next to her table. I took no notice. Bob has to be kept in the warm and dry. I asked the Dr to take a look at my chest. She did. I didn't do the jiggly booby thingy. She doesn't like it. Anyways she spun me round three times so fast and pointed me in the direction of the hospital I felt sick. Me eyes were pointing in different directions and me eyebrows had swapped places. Also me knees are sore from mines boobies hitting them as we twirled round. The upshot is she says I have to go hospital on Monday for some tests (maybe I can jiggle my boobies them there! I do have to have a picture of them taken- this not for the first time but not usually by the hospital) and then she said 'Just keep being yourself Elisabeth'. (only she said Elisabeth with a 'Z' cos that's how she spells it). What kind of advice is that I ask thee? Who the fecking else can I be if not myself? And is it meant to be a cure? Curious indeedy that Dr.

Enjoy the weekend me ol babbers and I will catch thee soon.

Strawberries, Champagne and HRT

Mines Mr Husband says to me 'I want to cover you in champagne and strawberries and eat them off you'. Ooooer. He can be so rude sometimes. I was lost for words for a few moments whilst I thought about it. 'Could ye not use Baileys instead?' I asked. He said 'Now look here this is my fantasy not yours'. Oooer. Then he said 'What would you like to cover me in?' So six foot of soil is not the right answer. I know that now! Blame the doctor- tis her fault. Tis ever since she mentioned HRT for me menopause. If ye are wondering what HRT is- tis Husband Replace Therapy. Tis true. Anyways we off to Tesco now for Champagne. We have Strawberries. Well they are tinned but still they are strawberries.

Menopause, Mugwump and Gorilla Glue

A week with news of a shortage of hummus and wonky asparagus. What the feck is this world coming to!

Since I applied Gorilla Glue to Mines Mr Husbands crack I haven't heard as much as a squeak from him- until now that is. 'Face down, naked, on the bed'- I ordered. He didn't need telling twice thinking he was going to get a nice massage. 'Think of nice things like sandy beaches (cos pebbles beaches are pointless to be feckin honest), calm blue waters, lapping waves, lesbians covered in chocolate'- I tells him. He starts fidgeting. 'Ok- forget the chocolate' I says. Within a couple of minutes new Gorilla Applied. 'That it?' he asks- 'a tickle of me bum?'. 'I have fitted a new silencer to yer backend'. I tells him. Was he grateful. Was he feck. No pleasing that man.

The menopause is getting the better of me. Today alone ; I have been in raptures over a leaflet from the council outlining our new recycling regime. Muchly excited at that I can tell ye ; cried at the Jeremy Kyle show and I was only switching it over (to be fair I did the same yesterday-just after I snapped me hair brush in half- and she was a lovely woman- even had teeth); told the boy in the post office I was not paying £3.70 to send a small package first class and ordered him to get the packet through his little doofer measurer especially when I could see he wasn't trying. He wanted to cry I could tell. I bet he will go home and have a break down- he was on the verge; became very assertive and told the man up the garage to pull his finger out and get me new car sorted. I am thinking I will have to go and sit on his head until he complies. (Could be his lucky day depending on whether or not its my naked day or not) ; also laughed out loud til I peed me pants at Boris calling manky wanky Corbyn a Mutton headed Mugwump; and confused the Amazon delivery man so much that when he asked what number I was I asked him why he needed to know how old I was. I'm on a roll today.

ME AND THE AMAZON MAN

Waited in all day for the Amazon Logistics Man to deliver me new Vera DVD. When the door bell finally went I was half asleep. He held the biggest parcel and asked me if I could take it in for her two doors down.

Me: Ok.

Him: Thanks- I will put a card through to tell her. What's your first name?

Me: Lucas

Him: Lucas? Is that your first name?

Me: No-

Him: You said it was

Me: I know. I don't know why I said that. Its Elizabeth

Him; Oh- Well I will just call you Liz

Me: Oh- well call me what you like it- see if I care

Him: Laughing out loud ' Call you what you like- ok'.

Me: Look, you disturbed me and I was half asleep and I was expecting my parcel. Where is my parcel? Its only a small one.

Him;' Ok, I will look for it in a minute. What number are you?'

Me: '53- Why do you need my age?'

Him: 'No- your house number'

Me: 'Oh- erm I don't know'- turning round looking for the number on the door.

Him; Oh 21.

Me: Yeah- that sounds right. Have you got my parcel. You should have a little one for me.

Him: I will go and look for it and I may be back.

Me: You better mate- I am not here just to take in everybody else's parcels you know.

Two minutes later, I kid ye not- he moves the van a couple of yards to park outside my house!!! Finally gets my parcel and I shouts out 'see I told you you had a little one for me'.

He went off laughing. Now he thinks I am mad I am sure and I am just menopausal.

Truffle Ass, Big Knickers and Biscuits

Little whiles since I updated but we have had family drama and it is true drama needs an audience. Sometimes the players pull you in and suddenly you realise- not your circus and not your monkeys. Its fair to say I have pissed some people off this month by opening my gob and letting the truth out- which apparently hurts. So I have rested from social media and the family and I am recharging the atoms.  So what have ye all missed then?

I don't know- I feel weird about the world also at the moment- you got the truffle assed orange head oompah loompah man toddler who is running America and the little cock waffle with a funny hair cut from N Korea dancing about each other like to two kids with their fists up in a playground spoiling for a fisty cuffs- only a million times more dangerous. You got the other fuck nugget with another funny hair cut from China trying to bang their heads together and the other ass wipes from the other countries over there waiting to shout 'fight- everybody- quick its a fight'. I am here wondering what the difference is between cod liver oil and caster oil and whether I should stop worrying about that and run down the street naked shouting 'Jesus wants for me a sunbeam'- or to hold Mines Mr Husbands hand, sing Kumbyah and then put me head between me legs and kiss me arse goodbye. Decisions, decisions. In the meantime I think it is good  nip to Tesco and top up the malteser supply. May as well go naked. Nothing to lose now.

The Easter bunny came in our house. That's it. He be a dirty fecker.

Also a new car, called Bob, came to live with me. We are going for topless adventures with Elvis, but at the moment it is in the garage having a couple of little jobs doing. I like going to the garage. Tis next to a gym and there is always hunky men working out outside. Sometimes I lift my top and jiggles mines boobies. Tis true there has been one or two groin strains but they should be keeping thems on minds on what they are doing. Also Mines Mr Husband has been pissing on my chips and he wouldn't let me bring Bob in and park him on the rug. Bob is lovely and needs parking on the rug. I just can't understand why that man won't let me bring Bob in.

Also I had new knickers. Mines Mr Husband treated me - however they are big girl pants for tough days. In fact they are so big they comes to and covers me chins. Bridget Jones got a lot to answer for so she has. Also got me a big roll of polythene. I am ready for a chemical attack almost. Just need to get some gaffer tape and I am ready.

 There was much excitement one night here as I was awaiting delivery of a new gravy separator the next day. One more sleep. Yep I know how to live the life here. It will be more exciting for the delivery driver though cos I may just lift me top. If he gets here early I may not even be dressed. It can go one of two ways- he can be really thrilled or he could be really distressed. Who knows? Just rang Mines Mr Husband and told him it was good time to make a baby and he best get home pronto. He said 'there is a never a good time fruitcake- you haven't got a womb'. Tis true. I said 'no- this is true but I do have a cornflake pack and some sticky back plastic'. He says he would love to help but he got a ladder that needs his going up and down! I tried!

Oh yes and I am going to be a great aunty. I will the crazy one but without smelling of rich tea biscuits and cats wee.

I did an online test that told me I was a red wood tree in a former life. I lived 200 years. And now I suppose I am actually a wardrobe and a chest of drawers.

Also I wonder how many women wake their husbands in the middle of the night for a cuppa tea? I used to send my ex husband down to make tea frequently. He never argued- he just did it. Now Mines Current Mr Husband- different kettle of fish. Not that I have ever even dared to wake him and send him for tea. He isn't fond of being woken in the night- I gathered that long ago. Anyways I have asked him what would be an acceptable to reason to waken him in the night and it transpires tis these things:

Life or death (house on fire etc)

If I am very ill and may need medical treatment

If there is an intruder- although an intruder would probably have me to fear first

If there is a cow on the roof.

Do you see tea on that list? Do you see just for a chat because I am awake and bored? Do you see 'I have run out of maltesers, this is an emergency' ?

Nope. I think the list is clear enough. Always pissing on me chips that man.

 I put the new DVD - Yoga for over 50's. (apparently not to do it if you are in poor health or pregnant). After just ten minutes I had to turn it off. Mines Mr Husband asked 'why, fruitcake turning off the Yoga so soon'.  'Well', I tells him, quite breathless at that, 'I am fecking exhausted and aching'. He looked at me puzzled. 'But', he says, 'You were only watching it- you weren't actually doing it'. Typical of him to split hairs. 'Well', I tells him, 'that proves tis no good for ye'. Think I may put that in the never watch again pile.

Hoseasons are offering holidays with unexpected touches. I like unexpected touches- particularly if they are from hunks.

Mines Mr Husband asked me to trim me bush so that he could drive his car up the drive. He said 'yer bush needs trimming- tis hanging all over the sides How am I expect to put me car in garage'. I had to get him to help- I just couldn't get down that low. Looks better now. However, we left the top long- now if the electric man wants to come he is going to have to root around in my bush to find me cubby hole.

Pains in my chest and I say to Mines Mr Husband 'I think I got a heart thing going on'. He said 'Ye needs some spray for under ye tongue'- he handed me some spray. He is very efficient like that. I sprayed it. Bleach is feckin horrid under yer tongue.

Have a cake- have a kit kat. My new mantra. May stand outside slimming world with that one. I already give them rewards for losing weight. Well they do need an incentive. One group has already moved and gone underground because 'of that pesky woman outside giving out cakes'. Life is too feckin short not to eat cake.

I also had a new experience yesterday. They say new experiences are good for you. I used a Unisex Loo. Torquay have installed unisex loos! I always said I would never succumb- but needs must when the bladder is full and the next nearest loo is a mile away. Tis very hard to walk that far with yer legs crossed. So I took the bull by the horns and in I went. I am glad I did too- for two reasons- because a) I didn't pee my pants and 2) there were some very hunky guys in there. When I came out mines Mr Husband said 'Were you ok? You were a long time!' I said 'Of course I was ok- after I had a wee I hung around to see if I could help'. He looked puzzled -'help?' he asked. 'What is there to help with?'- I explained 'You know- in case anyone needed "anything" holding'. He sighed and said 'In future when you need a wee you have one at the ladies at the other end of town- and I hope you didn't do booby jiggling and flashing'. I said nothing. He is always pissing on my chips that man!

And that be it me ol babbers- catch ya all laters.................

Oooo-er  - just one more thing -I am loving my horoscope this week - it talks of Deep Erotica, Naughty in tents and Uranus exploration and adventure. Not sure what to do this week...............