Thursday: Mmmm Bob has flat tyres. Not a happy girly I am
not. Are Bob and I victims of a tyre
hater? Or have I been a numpty and driven both tyres over something sharp? This
is putting pay to my adventures.
Monday: This morning I am
toying with running through the streets with me knickers on me head,
whipping me nae nae shouting 'hot bananas' and 'Justice for Napoleon- give him
his eye back'. Mr Husband said 'Nooo, don't do that- last time your boobies
clapped together so hard the neighbours thought it was a massive thunder storm
and took cover. And even the budgie hid under his sand sheet'. However, I never
listen to him and I have cramp in me foot. What's a girl to do? You can't sit
still with that!
Also today I am very
pleased with Mines Mr Husbands yearly report from work. It says he has been
very good. He has worked hard, and he has done all the jobs properly. He has
used his initiative and he has shown good 'Leadership' skills!! I know- I am confused too. So why has not got
the promotion? ??? Then it said he
worked well with ALL of his team mates. They emphasised the ALL. I think this
translates as praise for not killing the fat slimy git who steals other peoples
promotions. I have advised him many times 'tie the fat barstewards laces
together when he is at the top of the metal stairs and then give him a little
nudge'. I would. But no- he has behaved so now he is bosses pet. I wondered why
he was taking an apple to work everyday. There was me thinking it was to keep
the Dr away! All in all- a good report. Good Boy. Star on the chart for him
this week.
Friday: Been to see mines little sister today
(the one that likes a drop of gravy in her wine and goes braless in CO-OP). We
took a van again. We was chuffed. Well I was. I was able to get Mines Mr
Husband a whole Venison for tea. It was deaded as a doornail. Fresh too. Also
seven Badgers, A fox fur, Two rabbits, A Buzzard and an Ant Eater. Then I found
two bits of lorry tyre, a bag of sand and Sofa Cushion (also very deaded- not
breathing at all and ready stuffed). Good job we had a van is what I say. Plus, four times today mines Mr Husband has
let me drive past Dunelm. All in all a good day. Apart from the flat tyres on
Bob situation ;-( )
Sunday morning: Well I am all at
sixes and sevens and eights today. Me top and yoga pants are on back to front.
I am like a feckin raggy doll. But Mines Mr Husband is going to turn me head
round in a minute so all will be well. No wonder I got octopus new roger in me
neck. Also last night Mines Mr Husband declared he wanted to experiment in my
bedroom on me new bed. I agreed it would make a change. This only actually
means he wants to sleep in me bed next to me for a night. The condition was
that he didn't snore- I haves enuff trouble sleeping as tis. He was good. He
only snored loud once and then I tickled his cracked with a wire brush.
(Nothing else works very well since the gorilla glue thing! - if ye don't then
ye will have to go to my blogspot, Depression, Aspergers and Hats. I tell ye I
am big in Alaska.
And Russia
for some bizztsar reason. I think the Russians got the BFG keeping an eye on
me. Also I rank number 4 on Google if ye should happen to google KNICKERS or
Manky Wanky Donkeys). Anyways the experiment didn't work well and I ended up in
his bed because I was in pain. Then later he woke up and come in to his bed.
Then I got up and went back to my bed. Then he woke up this morning and came
and got back in my bed. I never even used to have this much trouble with the
kids! Anyways tonight is Sunday. I spends Sunday night at Johnny Depps. So all
good there. Mines Mr Husband can have the pick of the beds. Anyways we off to
Tesco now for a bit o' pork - hopefully I will get chance to do me wrecking
ball routine. (If ye don't knows about that either ye best go to me blogs!!!)
Be good and if ye can't be good- don't get caught!
Sunday Afternoon: SO a disappointing trip to
Tesco. I did get pork. But they have hidden all the space hoppers in a bid to
stop my 'antics' the security man said. Also I am banned from the wrecking ball
routine, twerking or whipping nae nae in store. He also mentioned that if I do
any of the following it will be seriously frowned upon:
Nibbling all the cheeses in the
chiller cabinet or wine and whiskey tasting. (Apparently some shit about not
being able to sell opened bottles and packets).
Pinching or smacking random
bottoms because they are bent over- male or female.
Climbing naked in the freezer
(what's a menopausal gal supposed to do on hot days?)
Swapping babies from one trolley
to another when mums have their backs turned. Or indeed removing tantrummy
toddlers from the shop and standing them in the middle of the road outside.
(Once I did that! Once. Or maybe twice- but not more- probably. Some people
can't let anything go).
Adding expensive (or otherwise)
goods to peoples trolleys when they are not looking (ditto removing items).
Modelling the swimwear or the
underwear in the aisles (you would think they would be grateful- I do it for
free!)
Or asking the Manager 'How's
you're arse for cracking walnuts on this fine day sir?'
Or hijacking the tanoy and
announcing an impromptu sale of everything just 10p. (I don't know why - it
worked wonderfully well last time- they should employ me as sales manager full
time).
And no standing with the fruit and
veg and asking passers by if they would like to feel my lemons. I mean melons.
Or asking them if they think cucumbers and bananas are rude fruit.
And finally I have to stop calling
'Trudi' - my friend Kathy Jones because she is not my friend Kathy Jones but she
is Trudi. (They are lying. She is my friend Kathy Jones because she looks
exactly like her and that's how I know!)
And then the security guard said
'Put your top down and stop jiggling your boobies at me- it doesn't work- I
have seen it all stood yer on this door'. He is miserable fecker. He needs
sacking.
They are just not enticing me to
shop in their store me thinks! Every little helps!
TUESDAY:
Well I seem to be here again. So soon. All at sixes and
sevens and eights. Possibly nines and tens as well. I know ye all be thinking
'Oh no, they been experimenting in the bedroom again'. Nope. Not going there
again! Tis all this night shift stuff that Mr Husband engages in. I was doing
ok until hers next door with the neatly trimmed bush and the wayward pussy
tells me someone was trying her front door one night. I thought someone was
trying mine one night too. But I concluded it was my mind being like my bladder.
Overactive. I got up more times than I can count last night to check and double
check doors and windows. I am no Carol Vorderman. I prefer to think of myself
more like Rachel Riley. Anyways the result is a head like a mashed banana wired
into a plug socket. Mines Mr Husband says 'you go to bed naked (apart from
orgasm socks)- what would ye do if someone did break in?' I said 'chase them,
jiggling my boobies and shouting "don't even think about it mate- I am
menopausal and I haven't had any cake for six weeks". He thought about it
for a second and he said 'Yep- that should do it'. On the plus side I am having
an electric man today so I best clear the cupboard ready- and find me rope and
gaffer tape.
The last time the Electrician came here he went outside to turn the
water off. He came back in complaining he has sheared his nuts off in my bush
looking for the stop cock. I hope there is no repeat of that today. Although it
has to be said I haven't trimmed me bush for some considerable time. He could be
in there quite a while today...........
Later in the day: OMG- its the exact same electrician that sheared his nuts off in my bush
before. He is still suffering. He said he will not even attempt to go in my
bush this time. I need a specialist Electrician. Now my name is going on a big
list on the office wall! I guess it comes under unruly bushes and nut shearers.
Evening: An interesting visit from the Electric man. He walked and
took one look at me and said 'oooh I think I have been yer before- can ye
remember?' 'Can I remember? I haven't been able to think of nothing else' I
tells him. Then I reminded him 'Ya told
me that ya wanted to replace me pipework. Ya removed me drawers (a bit
cackhanded if ye asks me), then ya decides to fiddle with yer stop cock in me
bush out in the street, sheared off yer nuts and then ya tries to replace me
drawers and ya left them in a twist'. Me husband comes home and he wasn't happy
but like most men ya disappeared into the ether not to be found again'. He said
'tis all coming back to me'. Anyway I am on a 'list' in the office now re:
sheared nuts. He came back again to see me to tell me! Never apologised though
for leaving me drawers in a twist. How Rude!
WEDNESDAY:
I will be glad when mines Mr Husband finishes this shitty
night shift - I am all over the place. I am here, there and everywhere. Not
knowing whether I am coming or going. Sixes and sevens up to ninety threes and
ninety fours. The night before last was sitting up nursing a migraine. Last
night Wind. I started off by giving the neighbours a three gun salute outta the
bedroom window which by dawn had escalated to chemical warfare. Not one fired
back. We call this the element of surprise. I am a trained sniper me. I have
took out half an estate and all before they knew what was happening. Last time
I experiment with a bread roll topped with onions.. if we don't leave some
people on the estate I won't have anyone to do case studies of humans on.
Other news this week:
Whoop Whoop- I have lost some
weight. I noticed me elbows are thinner. Thats what happens when you stop eating cake.
I found out Pussy Galores name was not real. Nope. Her real name is Fanny Everywhere.
My muvver and favver don't bovver with sex anymore. She says they just roll their eyes at each other. Sometimes she can't even be bovvered to roll his back.
By Closing your eyes & rubbing a Kiwi fruit in one hand & a
testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference!
It also
gets you banned from Tesco
The landlord tells me to get to grips with over grown bush. Its getting tangled round the legs of passersby now. He says 'just yank it out from the roots'. I am sure there must be a more pain free method!
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