Bananas, Badgers and Testicles

Oh I have a real devil may care attitude today. Not only have I upset pathetic Ant Mcpartlin fans I have dared to load me own dishwasher! Obviously Mines Mr Husband has had to re-load it properly- but nevertheless I did it. I may carry on in this way- I might mix the recycling up later! Anyways you be wondering what else I been upto this week I bet. So here tis:

 Thursday :If I were to ask you who you thought I loved the most in the world today, you could be forgiven for saying it was you, or Mr Husband, or my children or my grandchildren or even my dog. My dog? WTF are you on about? You know I ain't got a dog. I got a pussy but we don't go there on cold days like today thank you. No siree. Tis none of these things that I love the most today. Anyways the person I love most in the world today is mines osteopaff. I have been in soooo much pain for two or more weeks now. No-one knew this because I just bare it. Also I get on with the pain. Although to be fair it did get too bad one day so I took two paracetomol. But mines wonderful osteopaff fitted me in with an appointment and found a bone out in mines neck and that mines pelvis had twisted . I blame jailhouse rock meself-  I was a listening to that in the week. Tis well known for sending Pelvis's into the ether is that. He laid me on that bed and he pulled, pushed and stuck things in me. Today I am floating like a piece of light fluffy bread. I can actually stand up straight and move me head from side to side. How cool is that? Mr Osteopaff I love you to the moon and back! However, today I have a pain betwixt the shoulder blades- I blame this on listening to Dolly Partons greatest tits. What with the weight of hers and mine combined.......................

 Friday: We was driving out to our muvvers and when we got close I sees two dead badgers. Whole. A pair. With eyes and everyfin. 'STOP' I shouts at Mines Mr Husband- 'tis a late birfday present for ye'. He says 'if it's someat dead, I don't want nuffin else'. I tells him its badgers. He likes badgers. 'You likes badgers' I says.  He says he likes them but he likes them living thank you very much. I says to him 'Well I can't do fecking bringing back to life miracles but I can recycle them' He said 'Look I had a nice pair of trainers for me birfday and I am happy with that'. 'I know that' I tells him- 'I thought ye would like a nice pair of slippers made with badger' I says. By then we was at me muvvers cos he wouldn't stop even when I lifted me top and flashed mines boobies. However the man coming in the opposite direction swerved and went in the hedge- silly sod. Anyways I got me mobility walker out and I went back up the road- I picked them up in me walker and brings them back. I got mines favver to put them in a carrier bag disguised as large spuds. Mines Mr Husband won't even know until he gets slippers! Also I seed me bestie Kim- I think she wants me to do her fringe.

Thursday : I said to mines Mr Husband 'I love kayaking in the bath'. He said 'You dyslexic fruit bat- yakking- it's yakking in the bath you love'. I said 'ho eayh'. Good job I got him or I could end up in a elkcip.

Monday I found out Guys you can get Botox for your Testicles. Tis called Scrotox. Don't be wasting your £'s. Just chuck an ice cube in your under crackers- that will do the same thing. I am going to try it out on Mines Mr Husband later.

Tuesday I had an electician. Well when I say had..........he came to look in me little cupboard. I must say these electrician blokes are nice are they not? Although I have to say they are not too happy when you take the cable and start tying them up to put in the cupboard under the stairs. 'Think of the kids missus' he said. I said 'I never think of my kids when I am tying up men to keep under the stairs. My kids just don't wanna know'. He said 'not your kids missus- mine- I gotta get to the childminder and pick them up- tis my turn'. I must be getting soft in me ol age cos I had to let him go. I showed him me boobies on the way out though and told him to come again- he is always wellcum here!

Final thought: I have read this week there is going to be a shortage of bananas. Well less of a shortage and more of an extinction. Thats going to play havoc with hers across the roads love life I fear. I just hope we don't have the same issue with cucumber or she is really going to be stuffed. (Or not as the case maybe.)

Sheared Nuts, Testicles and Pussy Galore

Thursday: Mmmm Bob has flat tyres. Not a happy girly I am not. Are Bob and I victims of  a tyre hater? Or have I been a numpty and driven both tyres over something sharp? This is putting pay to my adventures.

Monday: This morning I am  toying with running through the streets with me knickers on me head, whipping me nae nae shouting 'hot bananas' and 'Justice for Napoleon- give him his eye back'. Mr Husband said 'Nooo, don't do that- last time your boobies clapped together so hard the neighbours thought it was a massive thunder storm and took cover. And even the budgie hid under his sand sheet'. However, I never listen to him and I have cramp in me foot. What's a girl to do? You can't sit still with that!

Also today I am very pleased with Mines Mr Husbands yearly report from work. It says he has been very good. He has worked hard, and he has done all the jobs properly. He has used his initiative and he has shown good 'Leadership' skills!!  I know- I am confused too. So why has not got the promotion? ??? Then it said  he worked well with ALL of his team mates. They emphasised the ALL. I think this translates as praise for not killing the fat slimy git who steals other peoples promotions. I have advised him many times 'tie the fat barstewards laces together when he is at the top of the metal stairs and then give him a little nudge'. I would. But no- he has behaved so now he is bosses pet. I wondered why he was taking an apple to work everyday. There was me thinking it was to keep the Dr away! All in all- a good report. Good Boy. Star on the chart for him this week.

 Friday: Been to see mines little sister today (the one that likes a drop of gravy in her wine and goes braless in CO-OP). We took a van again. We was chuffed. Well I was. I was able to get Mines Mr Husband a whole Venison for tea. It was deaded as a doornail. Fresh too. Also seven Badgers, A fox fur, Two rabbits, A Buzzard and an Ant Eater. Then I found two bits of lorry tyre, a bag of sand and Sofa Cushion (also very deaded- not breathing at all and ready stuffed). Good job we had a van is what I say.  Plus, four times today mines Mr Husband has let me drive past Dunelm. All in all a good day. Apart from the flat tyres on Bob situation ;-(  )

Sunday morning: Well I am all at sixes and sevens and eights today. Me top and yoga pants are on back to front. I am like a feckin raggy doll. But Mines Mr Husband is going to turn me head round in a minute so all will be well. No wonder I got octopus new roger in me neck. Also last night Mines Mr Husband declared he wanted to experiment in my bedroom on me new bed. I agreed it would make a change. This only actually means he wants to sleep in me bed next to me for a night. The condition was that he didn't snore- I haves enuff trouble sleeping as tis. He was good. He only snored loud once and then I tickled his cracked with a wire brush. (Nothing else works very well since the gorilla glue thing! - if ye don't then ye will have to go to my blogspot, Depression, Aspergers and Hats. I tell ye I am big in Alaska. And Russia for some bizztsar reason. I think the Russians got the BFG keeping an eye on me. Also I rank number 4 on Google if ye should happen to google KNICKERS or Manky Wanky Donkeys). Anyways the experiment didn't work well and I ended up in his bed because I was in pain. Then later he woke up and come in to his bed. Then I got up and went back to my bed. Then he woke up this morning and came and got back in my bed. I never even used to have this much trouble with the kids! Anyways tonight is Sunday. I spends Sunday night at Johnny Depps. So all good there. Mines Mr Husband can have the pick of the beds. Anyways we off to Tesco now for a bit o' pork - hopefully I will get chance to do me wrecking ball routine. (If ye don't knows about that either ye best go to me blogs!!!) Be good and if ye can't be good- don't get caught!

 Sunday Afternoon: SO a disappointing trip to Tesco. I did get pork. But they have hidden all the space hoppers in a bid to stop my 'antics' the security man said. Also I am banned from the wrecking ball routine, twerking or whipping nae nae in store. He also mentioned that if I do any of the following it will be seriously frowned upon:

Nibbling all the cheeses in the chiller cabinet or wine and whiskey tasting. (Apparently some shit about not being able to sell opened bottles and packets).

Pinching or smacking random bottoms because they are bent over- male or female.

Climbing naked in the freezer (what's a menopausal gal supposed to do on hot days?)

Swapping babies from one trolley to another when mums have their backs turned. Or indeed removing tantrummy toddlers from the shop and standing them in the middle of the road outside. (Once I did that! Once. Or maybe twice- but not more- probably. Some people can't let anything go).

Adding expensive (or otherwise) goods to peoples trolleys when they are not looking (ditto removing items).

Modelling the swimwear or the underwear in the aisles (you would think they would be grateful- I do it for free!)

Or asking the Manager 'How's you're arse for cracking walnuts on this fine day sir?'

Or hijacking the tanoy and announcing an impromptu sale of everything just 10p. (I don't know why - it worked wonderfully well last time- they should employ me as sales manager full time).

And no standing with the fruit and veg and asking passers by if they would like to feel my lemons. I mean melons. Or asking them if they think cucumbers and bananas are rude fruit.

And finally I have to stop calling 'Trudi' - my friend Kathy Jones because she is not my friend Kathy Jones but she is Trudi. (They are lying. She is my friend Kathy Jones because she looks exactly like her and that's how I know!)

And then the security guard said 'Put your top down and stop jiggling your boobies at me- it doesn't work- I have seen it all stood yer on this door'. He is miserable fecker. He needs sacking.

They are just not enticing me to shop in their store me thinks! Every little helps!

TUESDAY:

Well I seem to be here again. So soon. All at sixes and sevens and eights. Possibly nines and tens as well. I know ye all be thinking 'Oh no, they been experimenting in the bedroom again'. Nope. Not going there again! Tis all this night shift stuff that Mr Husband engages in. I was doing ok until hers next door with the neatly trimmed bush and the wayward pussy tells me someone was trying her front door one night. I thought someone was trying mine one night too. But I concluded it was my mind being like my bladder. Overactive. I got up more times than I can count last night to check and double check doors and windows. I am no Carol Vorderman. I prefer to think of myself more like Rachel Riley. Anyways the result is a head like a mashed banana wired into a plug socket. Mines Mr Husband says 'you go to bed naked (apart from orgasm socks)- what would ye do if someone did break in?' I said 'chase them, jiggling my boobies and shouting "don't even think about it mate- I am menopausal and I haven't had any cake for six weeks". He thought about it for a second and he said 'Yep- that should do it'. On the plus side I am having an electric man today so I best clear the cupboard ready- and find me rope and gaffer tape.

The last time the Electrician came here he went outside to turn the water off. He came back in complaining he has sheared his nuts off in my bush looking for the stop cock. I hope there is no repeat of that today. Although it has to be said I haven't trimmed me bush for some considerable time. He could be in there quite a while today...........

 Later in the day: OMG- its the exact same electrician that sheared his nuts off in my bush before. He is still suffering. He said he will not even attempt to go in my bush this time. I need a specialist Electrician. Now my name is going on a big list on the office wall! I guess it comes under unruly bushes and nut shearers.

 Evening: An interesting visit from the Electric man. He walked and took one look at me and said 'oooh I think I have been yer before- can ye remember?' 'Can I remember? I haven't been able to think of nothing else' I tells him.  Then I reminded him 'Ya told me that ya wanted to replace me pipework. Ya removed me drawers (a bit cackhanded if ye asks me), then ya decides to fiddle with yer stop cock in me bush out in the street, sheared off yer nuts and then ya tries to replace me drawers and ya left them in a twist'. Me husband comes home and he wasn't happy but like most men ya disappeared into the ether not to be found again'. He said 'tis all coming back to me'. Anyway I am on a 'list' in the office now re: sheared nuts. He came back again to see me to tell me! Never apologised though for leaving me drawers in a twist. How Rude!

WEDNESDAY: 

I will be glad when mines Mr Husband finishes this shitty night shift - I am all over the place. I am here, there and everywhere. Not knowing whether I am coming or going. Sixes and sevens up to ninety threes and ninety fours. The night before last was sitting up nursing a migraine. Last night Wind. I started off by giving the neighbours a three gun salute outta the bedroom window which by dawn had escalated to chemical warfare. Not one fired back. We call this the element of surprise. I am a trained sniper me. I have took out half an estate and all before they knew what was happening. Last time I experiment with a bread roll topped with onions.. if we don't leave some people on the estate I won't have anyone to do case studies of humans on.

 Other news this week:

Whoop Whoop- I have lost some weight. I noticed me elbows are thinner. Thats what happens when  you stop eating cake.

I found out Pussy Galores name was not real. Nope. Her real name is Fanny Everywhere.

My muvver and favver don't bovver with sex anymore. She says they just roll their eyes at each other. Sometimes she can't even be bovvered to roll his back.

By Closing your eyes & rubbing a Kiwi fruit in one hand & a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference!

It also gets you banned from Tesco

The landlord tells me to get to grips with over grown bush. Its getting tangled round the legs of passersby now. He says 'just yank it out from the roots'. I am sure there must be a more pain free method!

 

Testicles for sale, Sex at ninety and Whipping.

Well I expect you all be thinking I been quiet. I been to the dentist this week. On Wednesday that was it.  (Not mines Mr Husband. He don't believe in such things as dentists or God or other such mysteries. Even on that day that he was 55 years and one week old.) Yep, that dentist she sure knows how to shut me up! I was grateful today that she got so obsessed with that feckin lump in me neck- I know- lumps in necks not really her field, but failed doctors and all that. I think she thought it might be a root from me tooth. I told her 'the doctor said its me nymphnode- it gets bigger and painful when I be poorly or stressed. And you be stressing me out with sticking all them sharp things in mines mouth and poking mines gums'. Smacked me nose on the ceiling a couple of times and bit her three times. And she washed the chair before I got in it (i think- t'was wet. Could have been old lady peed her pants- but I prefer to think she washed it down specially for me)- then it looked like I had peed me pants when I got out. Anyways I got clean teefs, all buffed up and varnished -ooer go me- like Rylan Clarkes now. Also she is writing to a masochist specialist bout me lump cos she don't like it. So why ye be grateful Beth I hear ye say? I be grateful cos she didn't notice I cut me fringe with the nail scissors before I went cos I am too mean to pay 50p to have it cut. Sadly mines mother noticed but didn't like to say anything! Well she did say if you paid 50p to have that fringe cut my girl I would ask for 49p back!

Tuesday t'was like this : I was laid there on floor when Mines Mr Husband came in. 'What ye doing down there mines little pickled parsnip and why are ye writhing like a beached a whale and pulling a face like ye sucking a sherbert lemon?' See now I don't have a house with a mirror on the ceiling I don't know what I look like. 'I be doing mines pelvic floor exercises- ye have to exercise ye pelvis on the floor', I tells him. 'But why?', the nosy bugger asked. 'So we can have sex at ninety' I tells him 'do ye not want sex at ninety?'. He didn't have to think about the answer to this. He said 'Of course I do, as long as someone else is driving cos it be dangerous otherwise'. Then he asked 'why are ye thrashing about, up and down?'. He bloody inquisitive that man. 'I am practicing pelvic thrusting for the hairpin bends', I told him. 'Ye don't need to worry about that he said', ye already have a grip like a bulldog clip and the hairpin bends will be of no danger to us'. I told him 'tis important, many an old person gets a bit of whiplash when having sex at ninety' (I greatly suspect- I have seen them in supermarkets having a job to stand up straight to get the peaches off the top shelf) 'and I don't want thee to have whipped lash or cream because I haven't done me exercises. He has now gone off to the other room for some sleep he said. Sex at ninety indeed- he gets exhausted thinking about it at 55.

On Thursday the day began like this :

Mines Mr Husband came into find me totally naked. He said 'Ooooer- sexy. You is completely naked- not even got your socks on- I like'. I told ye he be a nosy bugger. 'That mines husband', I said to him, 'is because this is because I am in the bath and this is how I gets in the bath- completely naked'. Then he wandered off muttering about how I should then put some water in the bath and it would all make more sense. Can't mind his own for five feckin minutes he can't. Then we went and photographed a kingfisher. So excited I was I nearly peed me pants.

Friday I discovered ye can get $35.000 for just one testicle. I don't know if ye has to give ye own- if this is so I am buggered. But if not I am currently making a list of ones I can donate. So don't feck me off or I can add ye to the list. Mines Mr Husband has been walking round with his in his hand just incase.

Today Mines Mr Husband says to me 'what ye doing little pickle? Why are ye searching Amazon now?' I told ye he be a nosy bugger. 'I am preparing for a chemical attack' I tells him. 'Why are we having beans for tea? I am going to be at work tonight so I will do all me chemical attacking at work'. Tis true his arse can be lethal if ye happens to get down wind of it. 'Ye won't be needing plastic sheeting, duck tape, wind up radios and whistles little pickle' he says. 'Oh ye are a daft arse (even if a smelly arse)', I says to him. 'I am preparing in case they Dayesh launch a chemical attack- they are mad feckers thems and I been reading about it'. I know he thinks I am bonkers but he won't when I gets me duck tape and me whistle out and chase him to the our designated safe place- specially chosen by moi- tis our bedroom. He will be safe in there I shall see to it personally.

That be it. What ye mean is that all? Well ye can always buy me little book The Three Little Pigs a Westcountry Tale for Adults- Go to Amazon and find me or go through me blogs and read thems all again.