Strokes, Massage and Patriotic Pussy

SUNDAY: I had to call the nice policemans today to complain about he at number 29 sunbathing naked. The policemans said 'I can't see anything'. I tells him 'No, ye can't from yer ye dozy bugger- ye gotta climb on top of wardrobe to see him properly'.  He said he wouldn't be climbing on top of my wardrobe so he couldn't do anything about my complaint. Guess I shall just have to put up with it.

MONDAY: I have been to the osteopaff. He says I got a nice body. I told him,' you may as well put thems candles out'.  He says 'they are for ambience'. I tells him 'When you lift my legs above my head mate I will be providing ambience I can tell ye- and the last osteopaff I seen - well I blowed his candles out- and not from the top end'. Then he stuck akipumbter needles in me. Mines Mr Husband he gave me a bottle of water on the way home. I leaked liked a feckin colander. So that was a waste of time. Anyways he has promised me he will have me upright and walking in three weeks. So me climb of Everest is booked and I will stick a flag in it when I get there to let ye all know the osteopaff worked!

I am a bit achy. Mines Mr Husband suggest I have a nice relax in the bath. I am only in there ten minutes and he comes in and says 'Why don't you put some water in there pickle? And take your clothes off as well?' - 'Why don't you mind your own feckin business?' I says to him. He is gone to sulk in his shed. We still don't have a shed. Tis very worrying when he goes out to sulk in it.

TUESDAY: I been up to see the Dr again. She said she thinks I have had a mini stroke. Well that be a bugger. I said 'well that was good t'was only little then and I am ok'. She said 'Well no, because a mini stroke is often a warning that something else could happen'. Well cheer a gal up why don't you. Then she said 'I will need to keep a close eye on you'.  I tells well 'I will just pop home and get me suitcase packed'. She asked what for? I don't understand that woman sometimes. 'Cos I am coming home with you ain't I so you can keep a close eye on me'. Anyways she says 'You won't be needing to go home and get clothes'. Oooo-er, I think she is a bit kinky just between me you and the gatepost. Then she says 'You won't need to come home with me- we can keep an eye on you by you coming in to be checked regularly' I am currently camping naked in the waiting room. Tis not very quiet in yer I must say. And I do get some very funny looks when I pokes me head out of me tent first thing...............but better be safe than sorry.

WEDNESDAY: Sometimes I am lonely. I told mines Mr Husband this. He just carried on playing his scrabble. On his own. I know, I know.......... So I told him I want a dog. A little red, white and blue dog'. He said 'why red, white and blue?'. I said 'because then I won't be lonely'. He said 'But why Red, White and Blue? What difference does the colour make?' I said 'because people will stop and talk to me- he will be a centrepiece my Red, White and Blue dog and I shall call him "pussy" and then I shall say to passers by "would you like to stroke my dog" ' . Too be honest I don't even care if I just have a Blue dog- that would be different enough for me. Mines Mr Husband says that we probably won't get a blue dog very easily. He always pisses on my chips that man! Always gives up at the first hurdle. Not me, I am no quitter- that's why I don't stop eating chocolate.

THURSDAY: I have had three lots of bumph this week from Sun Life. They must have heard about me stoke.  I am so glad I don't live next door to that nosy feckin June who also collects your post and then brings it right into your house and waits for you to open it or else I may have even more bumph.

Also we been up the Muff again to get me chocolate shampoo, Mines Mr Husband takes care of it for me to stop me drinking me it should I be lured by the smell of chocolate in the dark of the night. He says he don't be wanting me farting chocolate bubbles all day......like last time. In the shop where I buys it there was a nice lady who greeted me. She said 'I am Mary- I do Massage'. 'Congratulations'- I says. Then she says 'I am offering a mini massage out the back- would you like one?' I says 'For fecks sake missus I only comes in for me chocolate shampoo'. She says 'Well the mini massage is free'. I tells her 'I am not sure I am wanting me mini massaged at this precise time- I only comes in for shampoo like I tells ye before'. Then she says 'I don't charge'. I says 'Do you want me naked or do ye just want me to show yer me mini?' Anyways whilst she was deciding I was undressed and stood in the middle of the buckwheat and quinoa awaiting further instruction- singing Wrecking Ball and whipping me nae nae. Then she said she couldn't fit me in- she remembered she had to be somewhere else. Waste of everyone's feckin time. However I did get chance to show me stripping and naked dancing skills to a whole new lot of people. Win Win.

FRIDAY MORNING: Well we shall have snow for sure. Mr Husband has declared he needs to go to the dentist. The last time he went there Queen Victoria was on the throne, Bruce Forsyth was just beginning his career in showbiz, London burned because some asshole baker left the bread in too long and the pied piper was piping. Dear God if you are listening please send us a few thousand pound cos this is gonna be an expensive do. Its like the dark hole of calcutta in that there mouth I tell ye.

FRIDAY: I have been good. Salad for tea. It being Friday we normally have Krispies. Not rice Krispies you feckin eejits. No Krispies fish and chips- the best in the UK- supposedly. But you know two weeks ago I had a mini stroke so tonight my head was saying salad. My heart was saying Krispies. Mines Mr Husband says 'your heart should be saying salad- it needs salad'. So salad it was. But now I am thinking- well I am going die sooner or later (I know- don't be sad- you are too!!) and I am now thinking- I wish I had had Krispies. Who wants to feckin die eating salad anyway? Guess what I am having for tea tomorrow not. (There won't be a lettuce leaf in sight!!) I am going to go out of this world with a glass of Baileys in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other. I will go out sideways ,naked. No need for clothes.

SATURDAY : The Dr tells me I have a slow metabolism caused by a knackered thyroid which means I can't lose the cake shape easy. Protein however speeds metabolism up. Bear with me- you are getting a feckin free science lesson here. I could eat more eggs, tuna, or chicken. Or lesgummys or such stuff.  But I mentioned to Mines Mr Husband I am sure in Tesco they have bottled protein- I sawed it with my very own eyes. He said 'well, that's for fitness freaks my little peach'. I said 'Yay- I am a fitness freak so I can have some'. Then he said 'No- you freak out when you hear the word fitness- tis not the same'. So eggs it is then. I shall pop them in a cake- win win.

Final thought for the week: I am not sure if Mr Juicy playing 'If you go down in the woods today' is appropriately themed or named for an ice cream man in today's culture!