Giving a Blow Job the right way....................

Another funny week

Tuesday - I can't believe what a misery arse mines Mr Husband is. Would you believe that now, not only I am not allowed to take my ironing board and exercise bike on holiday- he has actually made me unpack the ornaments and three pictures I had packed. He says we are going for a week and not feckin moving in. I know that ye eejit husband. I always think ye needs to make yeself feel at home on holiday. He said 'as it is ye have only booked us in three miles down the road, we can pop back if ye needs to see ye feckin ornaments'. Don't know why I bother sometimes!

Thursday - Oh my- you should see the tiny bit of clothes Mines Mr Husband has packed for holidays- whoopee- leaves room for ornaments!! Also he has packed swimming trunks- I have asked him 'what ye packs they for to go on holiday?' He said he might go swimming. 'Well', I said to him 'Ye haven't in 12 years, so I don't see it happening now'. So I took the swimming trunks and replaced with an ornament. Taking up feckin valuable ornament space with feckin trunks. What next? I asked if it was ok to take books. He said yes- I thought he would. He likes books. 'Good' I said 'how many boxes of books can I take?'. He looked at me (somewhat despairingly I thought) and said ' One. One book. Not one box'. Feckin cheers Mines Mr Husband- we only have the cookery books unpacked so far. I am opting for the 'greedy girls cookbook'. I am not letting him share mine. He might want to start experimenting in the kitchen and that always leads to heartburn.

Wednesday: So Far mines Mr husband has unpacked : The hand held cleaner; the bath mats; shower curtain; spare shower head; ornaments and three pictures; picture hanging set; hammer; set of saucepans (they always of have old knackered ones on holiday that your food sticks to); frying pan (ditto); set of basins; electric whisks; electric heater (WTF? it will be sure to be cold- and I know it is central heated but it might not be on!) However he has let me keep packed matches; pens; torch; and a ball of string.

Friday -

Well that was one of those nights that you wish you hadn't bothered to go to bed! Two hours sleep. Awake for five hours and one hour nap! And to top it all MMH was sat on the edge of his bed last night in his nuddy pants after his bath (cos that's how we bath in this house - call us old fashioned) I was just out of the shower also in my nuddy pants (cos that is also how we shower in this house) down on mines knees getting the hair dryer out (unbeknown to MMH) when he unwittingly asks for a blow job. I don't think he will be so quick to ask in future! He will at least check l am not holding my super duper hairdryer in my hand. I don't know whether it was the extra hot setting that did for him or the diffuser attachment. Either way it will be sometime before he can walk straight again!!

We did engage in some pillow talk last night (after the hairdryer incident) where it transpired that Mines Mr Husband lives with me and exercises great patience and tolerance. I asked why? Why the feck? He didn't seem to need much time to think about this. Apparently I have a lot of quacks and fur balls. One of them he suggests is that I am very clean but not very tidy. I pointed out that he is very tidy but not very clean- and I know which I would rather be! Cleanliness is next to Godliness me ol' granny used to say. She also used to say put clean knickers on when ye goes out in case ye gets hit by bus. I guess ye don't want all the passengers on the bus saying 'did ye see the state of her drawers?'. Anyways, not only but also, mines Mr Husband, now living dangerously continues that I lack 'logic'. What the feck??? 'I am,' I tell him, 'the most logical person I know of '. He says 'well ye don't now many peoples do ye?'. I have to remind him I am big in Alaska. Then he tells me I am beautiful (altogether now - AWW) then, get this, he claims that he is the one with the brains. 'Yes,' I says 'they are in your little furry balls' (which incidentally now dangle from his ears). I am not the one who went on a national game show with a head full of useless knowledge that didn't win us any money because I was sidetracked by a damsel in distress and therefore I forgot to use my brains. Now he is going to write me a list of all my quacks and fur balls. There could be another divorce statistic looming me thinks! He wants to be grateful we don't have enough feckin paper in this house for me to write a list of his!!

AND REMEMBER this guys - Happiness comes from within- that is why it is good to fart.

Sexy and Sultry Rude Girl

A funny old week- and in this order too........

Monday - Great evening in bed with Elvis again. No wonder me feckin hips are knackered. All that gyrating. All that singing, well the neighbours called it something else but I sure as hell don't remember feckin what. Can do it all again tomorrow night. I likes to be giving them a treat of my singing. I am sure that in time they will be enjoying it more. Last week according to mines Mr husband some came to the door with requests. 'What they request?' I asks him, getting me singing voice ready for more delightful sounds.  'That you shut the feck up' he says. He lied. They loves me really.

Friday - 'Happy Birthday to a wonderful sexy woman'- mines mr Husband read the text from my phone. I thought 'uh oh- here we go'. 'Why,' he asked, 'in Gawds feckin name have you sent yourself a birthday text'. 'Well', I said , 'I thought I may not get such a fabulous text from anyone else- and to be fair I didn't'. He left the room shaking his little bald head from side to side. I don't mean its bald from side to side- its more from top to bottom really. No he was shaking his head from side to side. He was muttering about little white jackets and straps. I think that's what he wants for his birthday. See what I can do- ever obliging am I!

Tuesday - Mines Mr Husband just asked if I know how to play chest. No sooner had he got the words out then I whipped me top off and me boobies out. 'No, no-' he cried- ' I said chess- not chest- you rude girl put your clothes back on'. I pouted (I have a very sultry sexy pout apparently- although its more likely to be wind these days!) 'lets not waste a good opportunity now I have them out' I pleaded- but no- he ran into the kitchen to do the dishes. I just don't understand mines Mr Husband sometimes!! On the plus side I think from now on I know how to get him to do the dishes....

Tuesday also -Watching Kate Middletons' hair dresser on cutting your own fringe- so you not supposed to cut it off in clumps! Mmm- can't see me changing that- I gotta cut what I can feckin see mate. Get the Kate Middleton look? Yeah- lets go for it- hopefully I will get meself a nice Prince William too......

Sunday - Mines Mr Husband thinks by evading the question 'Darling, how do I put the heating on myself' I will be thwarted. You would think after twelve years he should know me better. Ah- good old you tube- tonight when he is at work that thermostat is going to move up a notch or two and in the morning when I am forced out of bed at an ungodly hour when he decidest to clamber in and snore me out I shall be nice and warm as toasty. Don't mess with the Zohan and don't mess with the Beth!!

Saturday - I said to mines Mr Husband ' Seeing as I am struggling a bit with my mobility around the house I thought it would be super nice if we got a little helping hand around the house'. He knows it makes sense and it would save him having to wash up. He raised his bushy eyebrow- (yep guys- he hasn't done anything to his- they are all his own) he never spoke, he just raised his bushy eyebrow- with that 'well go on then, lets hear this' look. So I carried on. ' A maid we should have, a live in maid- to help me with dressing and undressing, showering and bathing, cooking and cleaning etc'. He raised his other bushy eye brow (yup- he still has both)- he looked more interested. His eyes lit up. 'And, erm where would this maid sleep my little pickled pumpkin?'- he looked a tad bit too hopeful if ye should ask me. 'In with me of

course- everything should be above board', I told him. He didn't seem sure. 'It shall be a naked maid'- I said. His bushy eyebrows stayed raised and his eyes lit up more and come out on stalks. 'Naked you say?' I nodded. Now he definitely looked more interested. 'Yep, naked' I continued- 'well apart from his dickie bow and his socks of course'- and that my friends is how the fight started.

Mines Mr Husband found out that I had packed the bath mat to take on holiday, (well I told him-I had to because he had to move the suitcase) but now he says that 'it is not normal to take your bath mats on holiday'. I said to him 'Bath mats need a feckin holiday too ye knows'. He ignored me and went on about how much the apartment was costing and it should be fully equipped so I was to unpack the bathmats, all the bedding, the shower curtain and the extra shower head. Also we only have a car and we are not hiring a feckin van just to go on holiday and why can't I be normal. I said 'I don't know why ye can't be feckin normal- I really don't'. Anyhows IMHO- ye can't be too careful when ye goes on holiday behinds other people. Other peoples can be dirty feckers and I don't want to be getting veruccas. Then he asked (cos he be damn nosy) why I kept staring at number 53 across the road and tutting. 'Tis because she at number 53, Mess (t'other half of Porky), she with the integrated bike rack (I have seen it when she was bent over pruning her bush) has left her kitchen cupboard door open and has gone out. And I am wondering why a) she has left it open - it is impairing my vision of her kitchen and b) where she has gone. Nobody tells me feckin anything g round yer.' Now he is tutting.

Tuesday - I learned they have name a place Wensleydale- you know after the cheese in Wallace and Grommit. I reckon they would feel right honoured to know that.